Forgotten Paradise
By: Nathan Ward
The cold steel door opened and two dark figures descended the clanking metal staircase. The smell hit both sets of nostrils with a powerful odor making an unaccustomed nose burn and twitch, only one felt this pain. The two ink blots drew closer to their destination with every step, all the while one knew not where he was going. The sniveling of another can be heard in the distance, along with the sound of unspeakable terror. The smell was as that of boiled blood, and nearly as repulsive as the face of the man that held my chains. I sit on a small shelf in the corner; I’m lucky to have the seat I do so I may let my legs stretch out with the fear of them being stomped on by some grotesque ogre. My guards name is Vlad, at least that’s what the others call him. He’s a hulking beast-of-a-man with a face that only the brutality of war could produce. The flesh of his face looks to have been ripped from the bone in a brutal, savage way. This pattern gave his the appearance of a skull with eyes. We are not permitted to talk unless it is in the form of an unintelligible scream, once a man spoke something of his wife and child and the guards held him down, and with a pair of glowing red tongs they pulled out his tong out at the base. I could see the face of our tormentors’ while this was going on; I don’t think they enjoy what takes place in this hell-devoured-hole. I’m beginning to believe that there is no one who takes pleasure form their surroundings, maybe we are all prisoners.
The horrific picture around me grows more and more clear as my once tender eyes become jaded by the flame light room. I could see other groups of men with their shackles and own personal tyrants, who all wore black hoods. Why is it that all of the other guards wore a mask but ours? Was it due to his horrid disfigurement? I attempt not to think of my current situation; I try to remain asleep for most of my days, seeing as sleep is my only escape from this rotten hole. I often have the same dream: it is of my darling wife, Elizabeth, sitting in an immaculate garden surrounded by the sound of a summer silence and the sent of jasmine. No matter how often this dream visits me, I will never tire of its lovely vision. I am only awakened by my dear friend, Vlad, who is kind enough to wake me for my rock-hard bread and boiling hot water. I wonder, does he sleep, eat or even blink, I have never seen him leave or do anything but glare at us. What kind of man can do this? Maybe he’s not a man maybe he’s… maybe it’s best I not dwell on that thought. I would hate to think of the reality, should I be right.
Every thing has become clear as day; I can see stone walls where the stone has been filed down by water making it a smoky, cloudy white material dimly lit by the fire. I can see bits of yellow gold embedded in the ground where the tormentors walk faintly shimmering in the dirt. I can’t help but wonder why there would be gold flakes in this ungodly hell. Do those who walk among us have so much wealth that they can pass a bit of gold by with out kneeling down to at least gaze at it? Where am I, why is it that I get a calming feeling that every thing is going to be all right?
“Where am I?”
One of the guards looks in my direction, my heart pounds in my chest rushing blood and pure fear through my body. Did he hear me? He makes his way toward my shelf. He heard me! What will he do? Other black figures trudge their way to help him. What will they do? They grab a set of glowing red chains. What will I do?
Red and black scars run up and down my body, the flesh from my bones is beginning to melt off and for some reason I don’t feel pain when the meat of my body tears away. When my flesh decays and falls off, I feel more of a release, why is this? I’m not sure where exactly I am, but now I know that this is no place of evil torment, this is not pain no it is more like purification. I’m not sure where I am but I know that I can call it home.
- The Editors Corner group list • next in list
A contest entry
- Entertain me. by Token Massacre.
350 points, ended December 9, 2006, 20 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Feathers of Dreams by Golden Guardian.
615 points, ended March 2, 2007, 14 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Be a Storyteller by The Imagined.
400 points, ended January 22, 2007, 18 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Kill me! by QueenWolf.
450 points, ended February 1, 2007, 16 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Anything Goes by KitKatBar.
350 points, ended February 11, 2007, 44 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - I'm bored, so anything. by Loonamist.
175 points, ended February 19, 2007, 43 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - What looks like a writer, acts like a writer and talks like a writer? A writer, duh! by EtherealButterfly.
250 points, ended March 2, 2007, 39 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - I WANT A GOOD CLIFFHANGER!! by Taylor Renee.
145 points, ended April 16, 2007, 74 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Scary Me!! Even Though I Hate Being Scared by Zach...thats me.
550 points, ended October 24, 2007, 10 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
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Really very descriptive. No matter how i try i can never seem to write like this. I love good descriptive stories and I also love good entertaining stories and this fit the category nicely. Good Job!
~Claire~ -
After just mentioning the word 'brutality' (first paragraph)you might want to change the word 'brutal' in the next sentence. You miss-spelled tongue (you wrote 'tong') but I still knew what you were saying. There are a few spelling and grammar mistakes but that's just editing.
This is very dark O.o
Your description is vivid. It's really good. And what you've said about your character, how he escapes in his dreams, is very realisitic. It's what I would do.
This is gripping toward the end. Wow, a great ending too. I take it he's dying? Wow. Intense.
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I have read and commented on this previously. The story still needs structural editing and there are grammar and punctuation problems throughout. I think if you took the time and really expanded on this piece, it would grab some serious attention. This has a lot of potential.
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I loved this, it was interesting and caught my attention right off the bat. Wonderfully done.
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What a way to grab attention. I like this very much. Good job and good luck!
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Interesting. I'm not really sure how to react to it. Pretty good detail and nice technique; really gets the reader into the story. Thanks!
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This is good. Although, you could break up the big paragraphs into smaller ones. Thorough details..flow and voice is plausible..descriptions are good although sometimes, they get wordy. Anyways, you have a good story but some things will need some work on. Otherwise, good job!
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nice... I like it.. would be nice with some more paragraphs... Good luck!
Penny x x x -
Spooky.
A scary story. A tale to keep one awake long after Hell's bedtime. Those red hot tongs really get my attention. Those dark things really made a fashion statement. And then we shift to the purifying factor. No pain; no gain. Is best to leave you with your flesh falling off after you have given us such a good story.
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This is a well-formatted, detailed story. The paragraphs are thorough, the plot is plausible, and the grammar and spelling are in check. The ending is abrupt and it's a little graphic, but that's all right. Your talent as a writer shows.
Good luck, good job, and thank you for entering.
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very good! A little unexpected AND has thrills in it. Good imagery. You're a good storyteller.
A couple probs with spelling that, of course, a spell checker won't catch. But you might consider getting a beta reader to go over it for you?
last sentence mistake really does take away from what should be a haunting thought. [hate. not hat] grin.....
beginning: 5, plot: 2, ending: 5, characters: 4.
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Thank you for taking the time to enter my contest. In order to be considered for the finalists you'd need to go over your story however and check your spelling and grammar, as it is a prerequisite in my contest. I believe this is an interesting start to a story with much possibility if you let your imagination go and add to the detailing. Good luck and thanks again
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Intriguing.
I like it. It leaves me wanting more and I cant wait to read what happens next.
beginning: 2, language: 4, plot: 3, ending: 3, dialog: 5, characters: 3.
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the 1st word needs to be the! there are also more typos...but good plot. really great job.
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You have a very good handle on imagery in your writing. You have a few typos and punctuation problems but no biggie there. This is a very interesting story line and I'd love to see it expanded. If you do write more of it IM me and let me know and I'll come read it again. Good job!
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