Stanley had the misfortune of being born a tape dispenser. His parents weren't tape dispensers; they were human and perfectly normal, except for being the two sides of a split personality. So it was a miracle that Stanley was born at all, considering. A cruel, Scotch-brand miracle.1
While he was still a child, Stanley's father killed his mother (or vice versa, either way it amounted to the same thing). Little orphan Stanley was sent to the orphanage, not to be adopted, but because they had a very low budget for supplies. They barely had enough money to keep the children in chains.2
One day, as Stanley was being used to gag another child, he realized that maybe he could help his fellow orphans. He waited until night, then created a key out of tape and unlocked the children's chains. He led them in a great march to the home of the mayor, who angrily threw things at them for waking him up so late.3
The children, uncivilized and dehumanized, quickly disorganized and reverted to their primal instincts. In other words, they started pissing on stuff. Stuff like Stanley. Before he could express his dissatisfaction with the situation, the orphans all devoured each other to feed their malnutritioned bellies. A policeman happened by at that moment and found Stanley in the midst of a dozen dead orphans. Things weren't looking good for Stanley.4
In prison, everyone was nice to Stanley. They held the cell door for him, looked away when he used the toilet, and picked up the soap when he dropped it, often at their own risk. Machine Gun Manfred traded his life sentence for Stanley's death penalty. Then Child Porn Charlie swapped his ten years for Stanley's life. Soon, Stanley was down to one night for vagrancy. They let him out the next day.5
He moved into an office, where he quickly began affairs with all of the secretaries. Coincidentally, they all had bondage fetishes, which worked out rather well for him, being a tape dispenser and all. It seemed like things were finally working out. That's when Stanley was hit by lightning. And shot. And stabbed. And strangled. And sodomized. And exploded. And crushed. And eaten by a sasquatch. Simultaneously. That's what you get when you kill orphans. The end.
Author notes
Um, yeah.
In a list
A contest entry
- Sci-Fi or Fantasy... Basically anything goes. by The Shadow Knight.
175 points, ended December 12, 2006, 12 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Just Enter The Contest!!! by xxRainbowDawnxx.
100 points, ended January 2, 2007, 32 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Comment Contest by Rebel Rebel.
400 points, ended January 10, 2007, 10 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Police action story by missy18.
138 points, ended January 17, 2007, 4 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - write me an emo story by Fluffykins.
325 points, ended February 12, 2007, 13 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - cannibalism. Lots os points by Elvenfairy.
200 points, ended November 1, 2007, 5 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please put me out of my non-misery
Comments
1 - 42 of 42
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I enjoy random writing like this, it always keep me in a good mood. Thank you very much!
language: 5, plot: 4.
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Fantastic!!!
I entered a contest you happened to be in and read this. And it made me laugh for about three days. I've only just stopped hiccuping for long enough to comment.
Well done, I say!
-Jess xxx
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this was... interesting...
lol, it was kind of funny. Thanks for entering my contest -
Wow....Stanley is a Tape dispenser, that was something. And being hit by lightning, shot, stabbed,strangled,sodomized,exploded,crushed and eaten by a sasquatch simultaneously is really weird and funny. Liked it.Great job!
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LOL! I love Stanley. He is hot. And I love him. Almost as much as you. Favorite part...
That's when Stanley was hit by lightning. And shot. And stabbed. And strangled. And sodomized. And exploded. And crushed. And eaten by a sasquatch. Simultaneously. That's what you get when you kill orphans. The end.
^ That pretty much says it all.
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I would love to see more of Stanley stories. It was amazing. I laughed. I cried. I spilled my lemonade on my good pants...but it was all worth it.
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hehe very cute ^_^
ah, i loved the part where the orphans devoured eachother and they thought that stanley killed them.It was great! -
you need to finish it ok
i really liked it and i hope you finish the rest of it!!!!! great storybeginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Um. Finish it? I thought it was finished...
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that must have been the weirdest thing i have ever read.... a tape dispenser?? good idea though
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Well then! This was hilarious, and very different. I like the line that says, "Little orphan Stanley was sent to the orphanage, not to be adopted, but because they had a very low budget for supplies." I can just imagine the mayor's surprise when he wakes up and sees a giant tape dispenser, leading a rally of orphan children. I think "malnutritioned" should be "malnourished", by the way.
Awesome story.
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OMG THIS IS HILARIOUS!!! I will finish it later!!!! I love it!!!
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ok
It was ok for just being funny and silly. it did not have the meat I was looking for. I did enjoy it it mad me lol good job. -
Verry stupidly funny
This story was probably one of the stupidest I have ever read, but the one that gave me the most laughs! Congrats! And I will sincerely always remember Stanley the Tape dispencer. -
BRAVO
Where do you keep coming up with this stuff it is freakin hilarious. Man you should send your stuff to magazines and publications like that. Tres Bien !
Can't get enough. -
The story is very blunt and full of sarcastic cynicism, I mean you put orphans in chains and made them eat each other. I like it, its entertaining, makes you want to keep reading.
The whole mother/father split personality confused me. The fourth paragraph is confusing, but only because there are words missing.
The cynicism in the end is HILARIOUS. He dies a horrible death. -
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I can understand the split personality thing confusing you, because it's impossible. The parents were a single person, who had a split personality (one being the mother, one being the father). I don't think there are any words missing though, they look like they're all there.
But you're right, horrible death IS hilarious.
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Oh to be born a tape dispenser! That was interesting to say the least! You had me laughing. Looking forward to more great reads.
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oh wow..first of all wat is a sasquatch? and i did laf at the story i think it was pretty funny..such a violent end though lol well every1 has their ways of rotong stories, but i like your story..its a lil wierd but its coo
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A sasquatch is like Bigfoot. I'm guessing rotong was supposed to be writing, but rotong would be a pretty cool word. I'm stealing it.
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You shook the twitches out of me!
well, not quite, but while I was laughing no one could tell that I was simultaneously writhing from an itch on my back. I am now going to go and read all your other stuff in the hope that my itch will go away permanently. Thanks for the snickering...
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You're welcome, next time I'll try to shake harder.
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Produced quite a stir among the critics.
Your humor is the keenest on Storywrite. You write it the way I like to read it. Welcome to the Comment Contest. You will give all Trophies a run for their money. -
Altho this is fantasy/humour based I think this is pretty accurate. As in, what a tape dispenser would really think if alive. Love the personification, brilliant write. Thanks for entering and good luck in the contest.
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WOW!
I should stop laughing before my lungs start bleeding. If I die I want all my sister's things to go to the poor and I wan't all my stuff buried with me so voodo practicioners centuries from now will be able to raise me from the dead as a blood sucking leech loving fiend!!!! XD Please ignore that xD -
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Bleeding lungs are bad. I should include some sort of fine print that says I'm not responsible for lung-bleeding caused by my stories. Then you couldn't sue me, but you'd probably send future voodoo practitioners after me and...maybe I should ignore that. Thanks!
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Right, wow, that was really weird, that's all I have to say. I did enjoy reading it though. Good write. Good luck in the contest. God Bless!
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Oh man I totally loved this story. It was hilarious!!! I was laughing through the whole thing. It was well written and again I loved it. Keep up the good work.
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Hell, I wish I could write a short as good as this one! xD
I'm still laughing hysterically.
You have to love that 'dead orphans' is enough to make everyone laugh.
It was wonderful.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, characters: 5.
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Genius!
Pure and simple, this is the best thing that I've read in a LONG while.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Today I'm basically just rumaging thru the new stories to get my addiction to points sated. I get to "to keep the children in chains" and I think, wait, I know this guy....go and look at name and sure enough it is you--again.
Gotta finish reading it....
Okay, Rebel Rebel's comment is perfect. I think this year instead of Inuit tales being told around the Christmas table, I'm going to use your tales. My parents will end up tossing me from the house, disowning me and blaming each other's side of the family for my bad genes.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, characters: 5.
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Guess I'd better start recording these then. I mean I'm sure everybody's sick of "The Night Before Christmas" by now.
If your parents kick you out, I apologize, but at least you'll be left with that warm fuzzy feeling inside. And soon, they'll think back to the stories, and start to giggle...and then laugh...and then they'll let you back in to tell them again.
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very awesome! laughed me asshole off
keep up the good work
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Terribly sorry, I hope you're able to reattach it. I hear Scotch tape does wonders with that kind of thing.
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Random Rules!
Just as long as it doesn't get out of hand!
I like it! I agree with Shadow Blade. Lol. Good work Brent! Tell me if there is anything more like this that you have written. I would very much like to read it.
beginning: 4, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 4, dialog: 4, characters: 5.
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Well...there's Dead Russians. And The Umbrella Graveyard. And State of the Union. And The Olives of Wrath. Shoot, almost all of them are like it. Haha. Glad you enjoyed this, hope you'll read some more.
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Okay...?
That was probably one of the most random stories I have ever read.
I LOVED IT!!!
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Wow. It's incredibly sad how Stanley died, for a moment there I thought we were soul mates.
This was hilarious, I loved it. Good job!
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Well there was a moral there. Like...don't be unlucky. And you're lukki. So no problem. As for the soul mates bit, I'm afraid tape dispensers are a little lacking in the love department, so it might be better for both of you that it ended. Or he ended.
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This should be put on audio tape.
It will be so hard this year to wrap the Christmas gifts without thinking about Stanley. He lived such a fast and exciting life. Reminds me of The Prisoner in the Iron Masking Tape. Wink. If I believed in re-incarnation I believe that Stanley would be coming back to us.
language: 5.
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Well
If you were to put it on audio tape, it would make a great Christmas present. You could even include a tape dispenser, kind of like a pet rock. Kids would love it. Unless they're orphans.
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I laughed so hard
I laughed so hard I almost got crap all over the monitor. This was really funny. It was so absolutely nuts that I couldn't stop from reading. This is definitely the best one from you yet, according to me at least.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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