Conversations

Kailey pushed her fists deeper into the silky sheets covering the double mattress. She could feel Seth's warm hands stroking her arms. The heat radiated off of them like a lotion onto her skin. Yet his touch made her want to cry.

“What happened to us?” It was a casual question behind strained feelings that began to seep out through her words.

Seth looked into her eyes as if her hadn't heard the question. Then the people outside the room hit the wall and laughed. Kailey was sure she would hear all about the wild fun she missed while she was hiding during the party in the aftermath.

“We used to be so close...” Kailey's words trailed on as she repositioned herself so that she was sitting in the center of the bed. Seth remained leaning against the wall. “And now you avoid me.”

“I don't avoid you. We just don't see each other that much anymore.”

“Yeah, that's because you walk away whenever I get close. I don't get you.” She never did though. “I don't get why last summer had to change everything.”

“That's not what did it.” She waited so patiently for him to give the reason pushing back how hard it really was. “It was how I felt afterwards.”

Kailey felt a death stare creeping up but looked away. He hadn't really admitted anything yet. “So,” She took a gulp to hide the tears. “What do you feel about us now? Truthfully.”

Seth looked at her and never turned away. Her eyes so damp glistened in the dim light provided by only the leaky door frame and the moon high above the two restless minds. “I am sorry.”

She knew he was. She knew that all the times he had lead her on were unintentional. That they were half hearted and always taken back afterwards. What he didn't know was that she never got it to stick in her hopeful mind till now. “I am so sorry.” Seth took a deep breath.

“I ...” Kailey hated all her thoughts, all the words in her head waiting to be expressed, and all those that she knew were going to come from the man she loved. Why did it have to be him? “I know.”

Seth hesitated with his words and spoke them cautiously. “Did you really love me?” Kailey's face darted away.

A tear fell and she blinked ferociously to hold the rest back while she debated on the truth. “I did.”

“And do you still?” Seth spoke in a whisper and reached down for her chill hands to grasp in his own. His touch made her jump as she desperately held the much needed cry in her throat. Then their eyes met.

“I never stopped. I tried so hard and I just couldn't.” Kailey's face fell into her hands as she whimpered as softly as she could. It only lasted for a moment but in that time Seth reached over to her and pulled her body close to his.

Kailey calmed herself and pulled away from the embrace. “How can you complain we aren't close when you push me away from you. I'm trying.”

“Seth, you don't even get how hard I try to make things right again. I want to be close with you, but like how we were before. We used to talk. It was when things got physical that it all went to hell.” Kailey settled in again and waited for some sort of reply.

Seth gave a deep sigh and leaned back along the wall. “Why don't you want to be with me if you love me?” A chill crept up Kailey's spine as the question was asked. She had asked herself the same so many times. And every time the same answer came up.

“You don't love me back.” The words were spoken slowly though there was little time between question and answer.

Kailey could tell she had startled Seth and he was momentarily speechless so she went on. “I know you think you know what you want when you don't, but I remind myself all the time that I can't fake a half asked relationship. No matter how much I love you, I make myself live with the realization that I can't be with someone who doesn't feel the same way I do.” Kailey had held those feelings in for so long and that fact alone that they had been expressed was so comforting and relieving to her.

She stood and smiled at Seth. All he could do was stare back while she moved across the room. “It was always you who wanted to stay friends when you found out how I feel. So why is it so hard now to go back to that?” Kailey strolled back over to the edge of the bed.

“I don't know. I guess my feelings have changed some too.” Seth couldn't bare to look at the face that he had hurt with such simple words.

Another roar sounded out muffled from the doorway. Both Seth and Kailey pondered on how carefree and fun the conversations must be outside the depth of their contemplation. Only a few feet away everyone was laughing.

“But you don't love me.” Kailey spoke her statement almost as a question though she was content with what she believed.

Seth glanced at the girl so close to him and yet even closer in heart. “I don't know...” He spoke so low Kailey could hardly hear him. Deep down he really didn't want her too. Even if he didn't love her he cared enough that he didn't want to hurt her.

“I'll take that as a 'no'.” Her words brought the volume in the room back up. Kailey turned away once again and could feel Seth's hand take hold of hers to keep her close. For only a moment she took the time to decide whether or not to rip away from the clutch.

“I don't know what else to say to you,” Seth's eyes narrowed in. “But I do know I care about you. What else do you want me to say?” Seth turned away from the sorrowing little girl he felt too ashamed to face.

Kailey turned toward the door and took the steps with pride. She walked out on what she knew was wrong and headed for her car. She couldn't say that it was a fun party, but what it had done for her heart, her everything was worth missing anything that people could brag about. She had her own boasting to do. That she could live without love.