mind over matter

* Sitting alone in a bar, again, I just don’t understand it. How is it that I am so special yet every one ridicules me? Every one that cares about me I have to piss off to keep them away so I don’t hurt them even worse, every one takes one look at me and they are scared. Do I give off violence? Is it that pent up, all of my frustration I have bottled up inside of me along with every emotion I have ever felt? Dose it radiate so much that when I smile at a small girl that her mother grabs her by the wrist and pulls her away whispering something horrible to scare the girl away from me, the child looking back with sadness in her eyes. Does she see who I really am in her trustworthy innocence does she know that I am not a monster that wont lash out….damn alcohol fucks with your head. A hand going to his forehead rubbing his fingers against the tension there. A gig in thirty minuets in a full bar of people that hate him already, but love his music. He laughed gently and muttered to himself under his breath* “Another night in hell looking to haven waiting for an angel to vanquish Satan so that I can go home…” * The man beside him turns to him with a glass of fermented barley and water thinking he’s smooth as silk and looks at him like he knows what he’s talking about*“What was that buddy?” * With out even acknowledging him I stand up and walk to stage door opening it with a turn of my wrist and looking up I find my drummer kissing my rhythm guitarist and look back down from the beautiful girl kiss that stupid bastard, but he played the drums damn well and I needed him to get my message across. He noticed me after she broke off the kiss. She look like she had just been caught doing something bad and flushed a bright red and tried to squirm out of his grip but he just leaned against the wall and smiled holding her to him by her hip looking at me like “yeah what are you gana do about it.” She started to explain why she was kissing him after I had just asked her out and she said she didn’t want a relationship with some one in the band and I just laughed and said it was ok, now she was caught in a lie that she couldn’t hide and I just smiled and looked at her and honestly said.*“ Don’t worry about, just don’t let it get in the way of your solo rift got it , Rosy?”*She blinked* “ Your letting me have it, I though that was Jamie’s rift? I’ve been fighting with him for years to play that, did he say it was ok?* I smiled and strapped on my bass tuning it to the deepest possible note drop G that would make this bar rattle on a volume of three.* “He doesn’t have to say that you can, I do, I’m the center point of this band, if I wasn’t here nothing would get done and all of you know it. Jamie can play a rhythm solo as you play that rift, he likes improvising remember.” * I chucked a pair of heavy drumsticks at Wesley . They hit his chest with a hard thud making him let go of Rosy.* “Don’t fucking pass out on me tonight Wes or I’m gana have to beat you over the head with my mic stand got it?!”* He nodded* “Yes sir boss man…what ever you say.” *He said as he staggered off to land on his drum set. Jamie already set up I took in a deep breath caught him up on what happened and he made up a rhythm part in five minuets, which is what I would expect. Jamie was my best friend lead guitarist and the only one that could even come close to understanding me.* “ Lets sober these drunk fuckers up Bones.” * He smiled at his nick name and I raised and eye brow as his slid his volume knob up to ten and I did the same, turning my mic on screaming as loud as I could going into a deep demonic growl. He played earsplitting solo making a few of the glasses on the bar break all over the bar, this of course got every young person up on there feet and I started playing my bass with a deep, brutal dive bomb G note and announced my band.* “ Good morning Trion we are Thought Vain and you better get up off of your fucking feet because were gana shake your asses out of those seats!!!”* We played and we rocked as usual ,got paid, Jamie got laid Rosy went home with Wes and I sat at the bar counting my money silently and shoved it into my pocket with a sigh. I signed a few autographs from some brave biker fans and got a free drink from the girl that took Jamie back to her place for the night. Here I am alone again…sober this time and I’m thinking the same thing….where do I need to be and why am I here if this is not where that is? I look at my hand and flex my forearm clenching my fist felling the power surge though me. Life is hard when your different…that’s what normal people say, life sucks when you’re a freak, that’s what weird people say…me…I’m a monster and I’m alone like one should be. I take a few steps forward and jump, three stories down waiting to hit the cement felling my heart race faster at my fear of heights melts into adrenaline flooding my body as I hit the ground, the cement , not my knees, buckle and I look around before walking on… I laugh to myself under my breath* mind over matter equals power…..and loneliness…* 1