Snifter Anyone
Picture the scene 1981, home from school, no one in as my mother was not yet home from work. “Yes I had my own key.” I can hear the tree huggers and do gooders wringing their hands in disbelief as we all know the world is awash with kiddy fiddlers and sexual deviants I must have been lucky not to have been rodgered silly by an army of ponces mustn’t I?
“Bollocks” I say. I could do what I wanted like watch T.V., eat cakes, drink coke and even do my homework had been that way inclined.
Anyway back on point, on this occasion I was not alone my pal’s Bounce and Oss were with me. We watched T.V, as some feeble-minded cretin on screen told us how to make Christmas cards or some other unwanted nonsense out of toilet roll holders, washing up liquid bottles and sticky back plastic. The crap on offer was definitely not holding our attention so Oss’s attention was drawn to a table in the far corner of the room. On said table was a small silver coloured tray placed upon which was a whiskey decanter and four crystal glasses.
Oss “Is that whiskey in that bottle?”
Me “ No, my mother says its cold tea so there is no point in us drinking it!”
Oss “Na, she’s just told you that, lets have a sniff to see.”
Turns out it was whiskey in the decanter, however upon fears of death by thick ears I refused to allow the alcohol to be imbibed. Oss and Bounce were sure I had become as Oss put it in his own eleven-year-old mockney rhyming slang a “Horses hoof”. Well I couldn’t lie down in the face of this challenge it just would not be right or proper.
Me “You can’t touch that its in plain view all the time so she’ll know if any has gone missing, there is a bottle of vodka open in the kitchen.”
Job done as I felt they did not really want to try booze, as I knew they both thought it tasted absolutely rank.
Oss “ Come on then lets have one then.”
Through to the kitchen we went, my mother had in the glasses cupboard some shot glasses, one was fetched down by standing on the kitchen table in the absence of a step ladder, well we were only eleven and not tall enough to reach the top cupboards un aided where all of the goodies were kept out of the reach of clambering young hands.
The shot glass was filled to the brim.
Oss “Right I’m first” he paused to sniff the contents. “Oooo smells strong” he then pinched his nostrils with one hand as if he were about to be administered a doze of the dreaded cod liver oil and guzzled down the booze. He coughed, he sneezed, his eyes streamed, he attempted to speak but no sound came from his lips, after four or five mouthfuls of water from the kitchen tap eyes still streaming he proclaimed “Magic, the rooms spinning”
Oh yes “great” I could hardly wait to drink the stuff.
Oss “Your turn.” He said passing a glass full of our arch nemesis to me.
I bit the bullet and met my fate head on drinking the glass in one go, I coughed like a fishwife, water was streaming in to my mouth and as we all know this is the precursor to heaving my stomach contents all over said pal’s and mothers kitchen. With Showlin Monk like control of mind and body I managed to restrain my stomachs churnings and avoid the horrors of projectile vomiting.
Me “That’s how to do it, just like drinking lemonade.” What a liar I am.
Oss “Righteeo, your go” looking at Bounce.
Bounce “I’m off to the toilet, pour me one and I’ll show you how it’s really done!”
This was all of the time Oss needed to play a truly horrendous practical joke on the trusting yet foolish Bounce. The vodka was not poured in to the glass during his toilet break; instead vinegar was its replacement.
“Hold your nose as you drink it” were Oss’s instructions to Bounce as he re entered the kitchen “It’s the smell that gets you it doesn’t taste that bad”
I half wanted to speak up at this point and avoid a large cleaning job but alas the other half of me wanted to see what would happen.
Bounce the trusting fool grabbed the glass and necked the contents; we both watched wide eyed as to see what would ensue.
“Aaaaaargh” Bounce spluttered clasping his hand to his mouth, puke flew out from between his fingers and down his nose as if being shot out from a car jet wash covering himself and the kitchen floor in rancid brown spew. He stumbled over to the kitchen sink still barfing, after a good five minutes of spluttering and several gallons of water from the tap he turned round.
“That stuffs fucking horrible, I’m never going to drink that again!”
Now that we knew our comrade was not actually going to require hospital treatment myself and Oss virtually pissed our pants with uncontrollable laughter unable to speak for a good couple of minutes.
“O yeah, really funny. I don’t know how you two can keep that fucking stuff down, you couple of bastards!” Bounce said clearly not very amused with our lack of compassion for his plight.
Bounce then left leaving us to clear up the kitchen, which now resembled a Mediterranean public toilet. We however could not believe he had not twigged to the fact he had just drunk a shot of vinegar. Windows were fully opened; detergent, mop, bucket, sponges and air freshener were vigorously applied until no sign of our illicit boozing were apparent.
We had gotten away with it, Bounce to this day is blissfully unaware of the contents of the glass and to my knowledge has never sampled Mr. Smirnoff’s fine product fearing it to have the same effect on him as Mr. Sarson’s. As for myself I still will not take a drink form Oss some twenty-five years later unless I am completely confident of its source.
A contest entry
- Entertain me. by Token Massacre.
350 points, ended December 9, 2006, 20 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - blah..... by LostSoulOfRage.
300 points, ended January 6, 2007, 18 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Harry Potter and / or Charmed by xxRainbowDawnxx.
100 points, ended February 24, 2007, 21 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Comment Contest by Rebel Rebel.
400 points, ended January 10, 2007, 10 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Anything Goes by KitKatBar.
350 points, ended February 11, 2007, 44 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Send Me Your Short Shorts! by whichcraft.
145 points, ended December 3, 2007, 32 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 38 of 38
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It needs some work, but it was funny!
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Exellent
This was such a good story! I really enjoyed it!
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Fucking superb!
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LOL, the end was priceless, about never taking a drink from Oss.
The only problem I saw was that at points you were missing a few commas. Also how for many things that were said you would put things like,
Me “That’s how to do it, just like drinking lemonade.
I think you should the 'said' there or something else. Just Me "That's how to do it' dosn't sound very good.
But very funny, and the end really made me laugh a good deal.
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The Comment King.
Thanks for entering the Comment Contest. This contest has been long over due, judging from your gang of Comments down here. I bet 2,456 points were given out to the authors for their comments to this story. Smile. -
thnx for entering and srry it took so long to comment,
okay this is a really good story i really enjoyed it. very interesting.
good job and keep up the great work. good luck. -
hmm
when i posted comment my name came out to be Wingless Hawk...i had changed it to HCBSA experience06 though.....thats strange, on allpoetry and allphilosophy its HCBSA experience06 and i logged in with that name just now...hmm..w/e. yeah good story man, amazing.beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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AMMMMMMAZING
HAHHAHAHAHAH FUCKING HILARIOUS!!! I seriously LOVED this peace, so amazinly well written and it was a well put together and constant theme that led to a perfect climax and conclusion. And the characters were extremely well put together with personality and everything that well suits well written characterization, and the dialog was 100% realistic based around the 11 year old mind. Amazing writing ability you have, omg, its so good, i lvoed this story. from the BEGGINING to the END it was hypmotizing. I could not stop reading it from teh start, and im being compeletly honest and seroius, it was so good i could not stop reading it until it ended. and im an easily discouraged person, but this was 100% encouraging. i LOVED it! By the way, im Wingless Hawk i changed my name recently...and you commented on my story Rebels in Long Island hoping for me to return the favor. I totally had it in mind i just needed to find the time. IM sorry it took so long, i hope you werent discouraged from having anything to do with me because of any belief that i was completely ignoring you. Im not like that. I love this story so much, that tomarrow after school im going to read another one of your amazing works! OMG such a good writer! What can i say! AMAZING!
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Smart
This reminded me of a messed up screenplay, but it is too intelligent to digest for most readers. Nevertheless, I laughed at the last part:
"As for myself I still will not take a drink form Oss some twenty-five years later unless I am completely confident of its source."
Have you ever considered writing columns? I hope your Christmas was merry and your New Year full of promise. Peace.
beginning: 3, language: 5, plot: 1, ending: 5, dialog: 3, characters: 2.
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p1: "“Yes I had my own key.”" The quotation marks are unneccessary, I would just remove them.
p3: "I was not alone my pal’s Bounce and Oss were with me." pals, not pal's.
p5: "she’s just told you that, lets have a sniff" let's, not lets.
p7: "You can’t touch that its in plain view" it's, not its.
p9: "Come on then lets have one then" let's, not lets.
p10: "reach the top cupboards un aided where all of the goodies" unaided, not un aided.
p12: "Magic, the rooms spinning" room's, not rooms.
p15: "water was streaming in to my mouth" into, not in to.
Apart from those small errors, this was a good short story, you describe it well. However, I would advise reading it through and adding in commas etc to make it flow better.
Keep writing!
&&.hearts;_x
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Splendid!!
Wow!! Was that you first attempt? Really great and very amusing! i just love your sense of humour and hope you don't grow up too quick!! Get back to me with your comments I would love to know what you think!
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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lol, i really like this one too, better than the haunted house one even! from the very first sentence i was amused and wanted to see what would happen. I guess you were a very mischeivous child... you and your friends must have had some times, lol. i think that again, your wording and the way you set up the story is very well done, as is your humor.
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It's a bit strange to see how you set the dialogue, a bit informal, though it's entertaining to see because sometimes, when I'm pre-writing, that's how it comes out because of the urgency. I liked how it unfolded.
Interesting names, too.beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 5, dialog: 3, characters: 4.
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You have a really good start to this story. It has good potential but there's also some improvement needed. There was one sentence I didn't really get..Oss “ Come on then lets have one then.”11..I think it must have been a typo mistake..Just like what Kokaze said, you can use some more rounds of editing. However, the dialogue was really smooth among the characters. Good job on that! Overall, I think this does have potential. The beginning started out great but towards the end, it sort of faltered. I hope you find this helpful. Keep on writing!
beginning: 4, language: 3, plot: 3, ending: 3, dialog: 4, characters: 3.
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1. Quotation marks aren't really necessary, actually. It might look better if you removed them. Also, that last sentence is a bit of a mess. It's definitely a run-on sentence, so you should put a period after "deviants." Backtracking, you need a comma after "disbelief," and another one before "mustn't I?"
2. Comma after "Bollocks," but once again, as the protagonist isn't actually talking face to face to a person, you really don't need the quotation marks. Comma after "wanted", and another one after "homework." Also, your wording is a bit awkward. Maybe replace "that way" with "so," to try and do confusion control.
4. Comma after "anyway." After "alone" you could have a semicolon there, or a colon, or even a period, but you have to have something. Replace the comma after the V in TV with a period, because you don't need a comma there. Don't you hate english grammar? Comma after "cards." I have absolutely no idea why "washing up" is there, so it's probably just me being clueless. "Crap" painfully juxtaposes with the semi-formal tone we've been seeing so far. Maybe use another word?
*sighs* I'm out of time again. Remind me that proofreading is neither necessary nor efficient, next time I decide to do so -
Great Potential
Hi there!
I think your story has a lot of potential. When I started reading the style put me off a bit, but as I got further in, the plot was able to hold my interest. I must admit it takes a lot to get me to laugh out loud while reading a story, but this got me laughing pretty good. I see you've been given some good advice already about dialogue, grammar, and spelling. I would really love to see this polished up a bit and hope you do so. If you'd like some more concrete ideas of how to improve this I'd be glad to offer my advice, for whatever it's worth. Just IM me any time over on AllPoetry.
Best wishes,
~J.
beginning: 2, language: 3, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 1, characters: 2.
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hehe
interesting i must say
definately not my style of writing but that is ok
as with anyone else, there are places that you can work more on to make this story much better.
keep writing
Josh -
Gosh that sounds like somthing my friends would do. I could just see Bounce's face when he drank the vinagar. *begins to laugh*
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GREAT
Hey this is goOod! ( yet all your stories are!) I loved it, that seems all i can say! I LOVED It! it made me laugh too, really nice, It is great!
beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 4, characters: 4.
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boys!
Reminds me of something my brother's would do when they were kids! wait... no they would probably do that now to! This story was hilarious, kept my interest the whole way through with the wit and action you provided. I especially liked the spew scene, graphic as it was!
Thank you for commenting on my poem. I am off to read your other story now.
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this is really good. it's hilarious, i love it.
instead of putting Oss "Is that whiskey in that bottle?" try puttig it like, "Is that whiskey in that bottle?" Oss asked. something like that, it would help the structure of the story a lot.
u also had a couple of commas missing in some places, but other than that this was a very good story. very funny.
u could also go back through and add more to the structure, it was kinda off.
good job and keep up the great work.
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That was really great. I loved it. Picturing the three deciding whether or not to drink the stuff was a great image, and then having him drink vinegar. Great job with this story. I had a really enjoyable time reading it. Keep up the writing. God Bless!
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My thoughts.
I enjoyed it. Three boys playing around. Sounds like trouble and it was. And they got away with it! Reminded me of Stephen King's pie eating contest scene where the guy barfs. And the barfing scene in The Great Santini.
Cod liver oil. Gotta remember that one from childhood.
I am glad that the boy never wanted to taste liquor again, actually he never had...just vinegar.
This story had humor in it enough to make me want to sample ya other posted story here.
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HAHAHA! That was hilarious! I love the plot...I'd love to see this happen in real life..lol My drinking memories never contained vinigar, but they did contain that medicine you use to force yourself to puke. Yea, we put that into a coke bottle and shook it up and told someone to drink it. At the time it was hilarious..although we could've put the kid in the hospital. But he survived and the joke was as grand as ever. Careful what you do to others though..to the hospital they could go!
This was absolutly a riot though. There were a few places where commas were left out and what not, but none the less it was to die for!
Great job! Good luck in the contests!
~Chelsey~
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Ha, I certainly enjoyed it.
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Definately an interesting start. In paragraph 4 it looks like you missed a period to end the sentence between --I was not alone-- and My pal's Bounce and Oss. Love the description of the commercial.
I have never understood why "smart" adults would ever think that making up stories about liquor in full view of inquisitive minds ever made sense. I am chuckling over the reality of parental logic at times.
Lol, love paragraph 17. Much reminds me of the time I took a swig of vanilla only to find it does not taste nearly as good as it smells.
Ooo and I thought girls could be mean.
Had I only known what you boys were doing 
It is a great story, though probably disturbing to any parents reading. Hopefully those of parental persuasion will realize that leaving liquor on a counter and calling it tea is not a deterent but an invitation for the curious to investigate further
I really enjoyed reading it.beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 4, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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This was an interesting read. You had a few grammar problems but no biggie. Changing the vodka to vinegar was very amusing. I hope you continue to post stories on SW. Good job and good luck in the contests you've entered.
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The beginning is a little confusing as you don't identify who the character is or their age until later. It's an interesting story, while I had some difficulty understanding some of what you were trying to get across it was still entertaining. I thank you for taking the time to enter my contest. Good luck.
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Amusing
This was very amusing and it was a lovely read! It flowed well and it was just a very entertaining. Wonderful...and well normally I find people who write humor aren't very funny, but you did a wonderful job with this! It was a very funny story... Great story! -
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funny
This was a very funny story..you've done incredible with it..the details are very good. You pulled the reader in from the start to finish..way to go..
Karibeginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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have been off on holiday and have written up a couple more during my trip which I wsill post on Thursday.
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Thank you very much, Kari.
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Thank you very much, Kari.
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Nice funny twist with the vinegar. Dialogue needs more correcting
Hi Jsdk;
Hello and welcome to SW! If you ever need anything just come talk to me. If you need help immediately please feel free to instant message me.
Now for your story! I think you have a good story started here. There seems to be a good theme to your story. It looks like you have a good story idea that has a lot of potential to be developed further. There does seem to be a need to use more descriptive information and detailing to help to better tell your story and give the reader more information to make the reader more excited about your story.
I think you demonstrate a natural knack for writing and your story seems to flow nicely and can be read by the reader at a nice reading pace. You should make as much use as you can of spelling and grammar software on your personal computer system to always make your stories look polished and professional and to ensure there are no spelling or grammar problems in your stories.
It is always a good idea for new members to consider writing a story to be submitted into the New Members Monthly Writing Contest. This contest is featured on the front page of the site which is seen by all members when they login to the site. While this is usually restricted to the month during which you joined, if you put in the effort to write a story for the contest and you do not meet this requirement I would be glad to make a special exception to allow you to make an entry into this contest. Just send me an instant message and I am sure we can get you into the contest.
Good work and again welcome to SW!
Paul
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That was a good story. Wow...and he still doesn't know that he drank vinegar? I thought he would catch on.
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Funny
Good job, it made me laugh. -
umm... I am completely lost in your story...
Have you written a story about drinking? Well, that sure was unique!
There are several spelling and grammar errors here and there you might want to correct. Also, you might want to review your conversation parts too... They are a bit... confusing.
Anyway, you have had a nice try...
Keep at it, write and write and you'll eventually improve!
Good Luck and Happy Writing!
~Kenny~
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