the screaming of silence (pt2)

"Get up Get up!" mrs.colon's shrieked bargin into the room. Today was madison's first day of school, she was in grade 11 and was actually very good at school when she tried, but she hated school with a passion. mr. colon's was seated comfortably in his chair at the kitchen table after madison was ready and was shocked to see the change in atire from the day before. Madison was dressed in a fishnest shirt with a long black skirt and she looked nothing like the day before, but mr. colons just smiled with a sort of approval. On the drive to school in the family size van that smelled so new that madison knew the colon's had bought it for her arrival, she thought of everything that could possibly go wrong in her usual pessimistic attitude that susan had tried so hard to abolish. When she finally arrived the butterflies came as she walked into the brady bunch looking school full of pink fuzzy girls and polite boys that made her sick. She walked cautiously but rebeliously to intimadate the others not to approach, you see due to her past she had placed a concreat wall lined in bricks around her that no one could break. She sat in the office and waited chewing the nail of her index finger impatiantly. Finally a short bald man with a red face stood before her with a young female student about her age, dressed in all black with arm bands and black and red hair, she was to madison, a saviour, "This is christabella, she is to show you around," stated the blad man, christabella seemed to shiver at the sound of her name and madison just chuckled. "Well this is your class," christa said bitterly, madison hardly had the chance to speak before she stormed off, " you seem to be the only sane looking one around her, we should do lunch." madison spoke with such boldness that christa couldn't say no. Sitting in class she waited for that bell to sound, but it seemed to take hours for a minute to pass, when finally it rang. All the blond haired students flowed out into the halls and ran to the cafateria, but madison sat by her locker and waited. Christa walked up and smiled fakely and they were off. That first day the two found out they had much in comment, including an abusive past and they found themselves drawn to one another. That night she ran home with a smile and stories to tell around the dinner table, and dreams...not nightmares to dream at night, if she only knew the fate that awaited her coldly.1

~to be continued.~

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  • DustyOldHalo
    January 4, 2007

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    and was shocked to see the change in atire from the day before.

    What shocked her?

    Also, the only thing her new mom did was rush in shriek for her to get up and then she ... what?

    I think this portion should be a little more detailed with not only her new parents, but with her school.

    Slow it down a little give the readers a feel for what is going on.

    The story is good, but it's more like an outline effect than an actual story.

    Outline of
    Get up in morning, mom shrieks, dad smiles but looks differnt
    Goes to school.
    Acts tough to keep them from know she's uncertain.
    Meets new friend
    they hit if off.

    Now, it needs to be fleshed out more.

    But I don't want you to get the impression I don't like it. I like it enough to want to see it improved upon.

    Holler if you'd like a hand at it. I'm available.

    beginning: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5.