This is a work in progress that I am not even close to finishing. Also, it is a complete work of fiction, especially in the fact that my best friend is nothing like Denise. And if my best friend was dating someone, I would totally stay away from him.1
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Evan stands in the doorway, puffing a cheap cigarette.3
The smoke drifts away lazily, marking the currents of the warm breeze. 4
“You want one?” he asks, searching his pockets for a lighter.5
“Don’t want to smell like smoke,” I decline, loving the smell of the smoke just out of his lungs and watching him blow a narrow stream out of his mouth. Somehow, whenever he lights up, the smoke goes everywhere. Secretly, I love everything about him, but in this moment he seems somehow flawed. Maybe it’s because he’s starting to get antsy because he’s looking through the pockets of his jeans and his carton of cigarettes has somehow disappeared and he’s starting to swear and his swearing isn’t turning me on; it’s making me want to wash his mouth out with soap. I stole the carton. Instead of buying his girlfriend a Valentine’s Day present last year, he bought himself a dime bag and some Marlboros and stayed holed up in his room all day, the smoke pouring out from under the door. Everything of his is starting to stink of stale smoke. I thought the whole oohhh-I’m-buying-a-lighter-to-be-hot-shit thing was just a phase last year, but it turned out to be an addictive phase.6
“Fuck, Elizabeth, where are they?” he looks at me like he’s seeing me for the first time. I remember now how much I love him. I give him an innocent look and kiss him so that he forgets about his craving. Doesn’t work. Shit. I’m dating his brother, and I think his flavor of the (short!) week is my best friend. He pulls away for a second and I can feel his breath and taste ashtray in my mouth and I get really scared for some reason. But it’s his older brother and my best friend is a bitch and everyone thinks I’ve been around the block. He pulls me closer.7
I have a headache.8
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I try calling my mom on her cell phone. I dial, and she picks up, but I can’t hear anything except a really loud noise so I just hang up. About ten seconds later my cell phone is ringringringing and she wants to know what’s up, is everything ok, did you need anything? I say no and ask her when she’s gonna be home. The phone cuts off. I wonder if the satellites are down or if she's out on the town again and doesn't want me to tell social services, like last time. 10
I turn back to Evan and let him kiss me and hate the feeling of his hands as they go up my shirt. Denise would be heartbroken.11
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I find my best friend, Denise, sitting outside the front door, a little drunk. Evan left a long time ago, just before it got dark and now it’s pitch black outside so I don’t think she saw anything. She is crying though. She’s seventeen, two years older than I am, but I am already much more mature than her. Someone at school told her she was fat and ugly and that she has so many pimples that it looks like someone dropped a pizza on her face. She is only a few pounds overweight and she isn’t horrendously ugly and she started on Accutane a year ago so none of the comments were exactly true, but Evan is really hot and the girls in their Evan and Denise’s grade have been wondering lately why they have been together for so long since Denise is such a prude. Truth is, Evan cheats on her every chance he gets, but he chooses girls that know how to keep their mouths shut. I don’t think I’m going to let him come over when I’m home alone anymore. I’m starting to feel guilty. Denise’s self esteem has been a lot lower lately and I’m wondering a little bit if some of the girls are starting to talk. 13
I call Evan’s older brother and break up with him. Sliminess probably runs in their family. 14
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One of Evan’s bitches comes with him the next time I am home alone. She’s really very gorgeous and he asks me if she could join in the festivities since this will be our last time together since I have such a thing up my ass now about him and Denise. I shut the door behind them and make sure it’s locked. 16
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My new boyfriend, Dean, and I are at the movies and when I come out to get another bag of popcorn because he’s just so very hungry, my cell phone rings. The caller ID doesn’t show anything. All I hear is crying on the other end. Shit, I wish the reception was better. I walk out the front doors of the theatre and down the sidewalk a little, being careful to stay under the awning because it’s raining a little bit and I can’t afford a new cell phone right now. 18
Something drops in my stomach.19
“Denise?”20
I think I can discern something about cheating and other girls and oh-my-god-he-broke-up-with-me-when-I-finally-slept-with-him. I walk back inside to get Dean.21
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Author notes
Tell me what you think!
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
1 - 20 of 20
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wow.. i like it... its really different.. great job! i think im going to read the other one now.. read my story plz and tell me how to make it better! great job!
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This story reminds high-school's times
We - my friends and I - just really hate the 'bitch' girls and always fell for boy like Evan, yeah, very sad I know.
I liked this write, you did it well!
Mari
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good!
man thats sad. Ill look back later when this is done. Ill leave a comment so I can find it, so please parden the little note im leaving myself here, I don't know how to save stories to read later, or whatever your soposed to do here.
This one is the one to come back to. -
As much as it hurts me to say this, this sounds like something one of my friends would do. Hehe. I liked it. It's something that could actually happen, and good idea with putting it's a complete work of fiction at the top. Best Of Luck. ~Poetic Pixie
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Hmmm...an interesting beginning to a story that could actually be pretty long, when you think about it. This sounds like one of those angsty-teen-writes, but it was told in a manner that suggests the narrator is far more mature than just any teen (whether that's a good thing or not, who knows?). Anyways, I didn't really notice any errors in this, so...yeah lol. Good luck.
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This is a great write, it pulled me in and I would love to see where you plan on going with this. It's a great write, and i love the pont of view. great job. Great luck in the contest.
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This is a work in progress and there is "so He Says II" posted on my author page. thanks for the comment!!
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Beautiful
This is really good, I actually got to like the characters a lot, and I enjoyed it.
One thing. It ends to abruptly. So abruptly in fact I was dissapointed that it didn't continue longer. Also, towards the end you get a little sketicher on everything, like maybe your rushing to get it done or something, and that takes away from it because it just stops and I really think that's a bad place to stop it. It feels incomplete, like not being able to orgasm (excuse the comparison) but having everything before the finish. So that makes it not so good.
Maybe fix that. Otherwise, really awesome. -
Superb
THAT BASTARD! This was an amazing story. I really enjoyed this. I know how this is I'm usually the Denise though. This story had me. I don't usually read stories that are in diary form, except those stories written by that one lady that did Bridget Jones' Diary, but I really liked this one. I know you didn't ask and I shouldn't try to fix it because it's not broken, but I really liked the imagery and description at the beginning and I was kinda sad to see it didn't last through the whole thing, but I still like it a lot. Awesome Job! -
It reads like a true soap opera highschool romance. Where everybody is going behind the back of everybody else. Actually I can relate to this work. After highschool; I lived that kind of desparate and vindictive life.
It is good writing; but needs something to pull it all together. I understand that it is a work in progress, so I'm sure you know what I mean.
Keep on writing.
~Bezoar -
wow. this is truly amazing. you are going to have to IM me when you write more. i really want to know what happens to denise and evan. evan sounds like a scumbag. if i ever knew anybody like him, i would stay away. see, you can tell how much i like your story. it is actually getting me worked up in denise's defense. anyway, i'll keep checking to see if you've written anything else.
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That was excellent. Please continue with the story, it was great!
Peace
~SS~ -
Interesting.......
Very well written. I'm personally more into poetry but this is really engrossing. Great sense of what seems real but is interesting enough to make a good story. -
i really liked this...IM me when you post the next bit, please?
love,
caity -
I'm not a story reading person but this one kinda just sucked me right in..theres so much activity, confusion, heartbreak, regret all wound into a neat well written plot. I cant wait to read more. great work!
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this was good... i liked how it was gritty and real but there were still intircate details. does that make sense? anywas, rock on... this is sweet...
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lol, thanks unnormal!!! I'm working on figuring out how to continue this, and hopefully i'll get the next chapter on today.
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Truely Great! :)
Hey, thanks for the comment on my story thingy !
This is F*****G amazing, you deserve like a medal or better still a Blue Peter Badge! I can't wait for the next bit, its like waiting for the next Harry Potter (I like Harry Potter btw) Well done, you truely are a great writer !
Laterz kati x -
I think this is really good. THe characters are fun, and this is kind of those "the world sucks, live with it" attitudes that just seem to work in stories. I love the descriptions, too. Nice job, and I hope you keep up with this until it's finished.
Amanda -
i like it a lot. i can't wait for more!!!! you dragged me into this story. i want to know what going to happen! i think you did a great job of describing the characers. ^_^
~Iz (who is at work at the moment, but who is goofing off)
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