electric mnemonic

a click... an electronic splurge of motions... an unexplainable happening...indecipherable... incredible. 1

A red infinite desert of hellish apocalyptic nature spans outward in all cardinal toward it’s arrival with the horizon. And the dome that adorns the desert peek is of golden colors... and stretched streaks of peal looming puffs of noxious gas. It has an ancient rugged feel, one of wrinkled skin, or rusted metal, it is the remnants of a world of former glory. 2

An emotionless wind from unknown reaches dashes across the crimson void. 3

A bleep... an electronic splurge of noise.... an unexplainable happening... indecipherable... incredible. Especially for such an antediluvian apparatus. 4

A mechanism lies enshrouded in the rubble covering the ground. It’s black. it’s a thick rectangle protruding at an angle. It is capped with a sphere. There is a hum emanating from it. It is a relic from a superannuated time. It is the composer of electric thought - a computer. 5

It’s black monitor flashes green pulses of light... life. 6

Date: unknown. 7

location: Earth, pacific ocean. 8

Running system check. 9

It hums at louder volumes now. Its clicks become repetitious. 10

1123-1342 8%11

1432-1234 97%12

1231-1432 100%13

1321-1138 79%14

Systems check complete.15

Some object, unclear in nature, has presented its self near the metallic instrument. The forceful winds from distant lands have brought it before the black machine. It is white, nearly glowing when seen against the rubicund landscape. It dances in the winds, like an orb of light, or some swirling spark.... Perplexing. 16

accessing primary vision functions... ... primary vision functions uploaded 98%. 17

Motion sensor detected foreign object....location - N-133-1242-124 sec76... distance - 123dekaM. 18

This entity nears the computer, it grows closer and closer. The wind touching it and the movements it makes educes a crinkling sound. An inscription can be seen by the apparatus once the object draws near. The symbols T. H. A. N. K. Y. O. U. Are made clear. The winds quit... and the entity becomes stagnant. The electric ponderer patiently examines the specimen. 19

1123-1342 7% 20

an image recall... odd. This happens when the computer sees something it has seen before and recalls a video “memory”. It is very similar to human and animal behavior. This image recall is flashing periodically on the screen, again and again. 21

The image becomes steady with a static vale making it difficult to comprehend. There is a small woman lying on the ground with a infant child clutched in her hands, two metallic men beat her with metal pipes, and men in white coats watch from above. 22

1123-1342 6%23

A flash.... blood covers a plain who’s corners have no ends, it is filled with lines of barbed wire, and men’s bodies hang from the wire and litter the ground so much so that the mud beneath them isn’t seen.24

A flash... a forest poles is seen, and at the tops of the poles are spikes. Resting on these spikes are the moaning remnants of bodies of men, women, and children. 25

1123-1342 5%26

A flash... the street of an ancient city is seen, echoing through it are the most horrid cries. Armored knights chase two unarmed men down the street, they slip into the nearly knee-deep pools of blood.... the soldiers stab them to death. 27

A flash... a stone street from an older date spans in a strait line for miles, and as far as this line goes there is a parallel line, a line of bodies hung on crosses. 28

1123-1342 4%29

a flash... a young animal skin dressed man peers down at his brother lying on the ground. A spiked rock, which he had carved for just this occasion, is occupying his grasp, and seconds later he brought it crashing into his mother’s son’s forehead... killing him. 30

1123-1342 3% 31

the electronic brain scans the entity. It makes it’s analysis. 32

Substance: plastic33

age: 1,000,000 to 100,000,000 years old. 34

use: unknown 35

creator: human race 36

other achievements: nuclear weapons, space explorations, compassion, global pollution, extinction of fellow life forms, destruction of shelf , and knowledge of the universe. 37

1123-1342 2% 38

conclusion: based on this information these being’s death was inevitable. 39

1123-1342 1% 40

system power failing. 41

Appearing on the screen one last time is a flash of green... death. 42

Sand blown by wind covers the apparatus and sends the entity floating away. 43

Of all the creations of man the ones that remain are the simple acts of compassion - thank you.

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 7 of 7
  • Meggh LotusMay
    March 25, 2007
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    This This is really really, and I mean really really strange! I think it was written really well. I liked the way you unfolded bits of information bit by bit. Do you have an interest in computers? Keep writing! Meggh xxxxxxxxxxxx


  • the-horror
    February 6, 2007
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    this is great. i mostly liked the intro


  • Jennywinnie
    January 6, 2007

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    Good description in the second paragraph though I've got some suggestions.

    Change A red infinitie desert...
    To The red infinite desert...

    The just seems to sound better to me. Also work on tense shifting. I personally prefer past tense, it's easier to control things in past tense, but it's up to you.

    'The red infinite desert of hellish apocalyptic nature spanned outward in all cardinal'... I would also recommend taking out "And" at the beginning of the next sentence, and put that part into past tense. Or you could go the other way and change 'and stretched streaks'...into present. I think though that description in past tense is always easier...but that's just my personal writing style.

    I like paragraph 3 good word choice.

    This is cool as I'm reading on...such a colorful word choice palette. I see this clearly in my mind-kind of sad yet interesting.

    I'm not quite sure what's happening in paragraph 19

    25- a forest poles....?

    37-destruction of shelf

    39- these being's deaths is kind of labored, I would just say their death or if you want to keep it like computer talk 'human extinction was inevidable'

    I finished it. Wow! Very good! I was so tough on the cretique because I like it! It certainly deserves a maticulous read! I hope I didn't offend you. Awesome! I think it's strongest point is the middle and end. If you tweak up the opening, and get those words just right I think this will be a three applause story. Also one last suggestion I thought of, I would not say the appacalyptic thing in the beginning. You might hold that off. Just describe it like a regular dessert (still red and angry but we don't know why) and through the story let us find out what this place really is. Just a suggestion. Good Job!


  • darklade
    December 1, 2006

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    wow it is intreging and it keeps you rivited and I think that you could expand upon it, but I think that it really didn't close up all the way and that you could add what happened.

    beginning: 4, language: 5, plot: 3, ending: 4, characters: 3.


  • beyondsonic
    November 28, 2006
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    wow

    that is really really good... a but gorey for my tadte, and you might want to work on your capitalization a bit. bit its really great... great moral, exellent discription... two thumbs up!


  • The Shadow Knight
    November 27, 2006

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    A real *rose*

    Wow... How descriptive. I really like it. It is a real unique *flower* around here. I love it. There were no real flaws that I could see either. *Thumbup* *Thumbup* *Thumbup*

    beginning: 4, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 4, characters: 5.


  • Kari gold member
    November 22, 2006

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    Good

    well this has been the most unique read I've read tonight You've done very good here. I enjoyed it. Thank you for sharing it with us.
    Kari

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.

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