So I was talking to an iguana in a bar the other day, when all of a sudden the olive jumped out of his martini and stabbed him with a little umbrella. The iguana was so angry that he bit his own tail off and beat the olive to death with it. I ate the olive.
I'm not sure how, but the pimento escaped. I was busy using the little umbrella to pin the iguana's tail back on, which was somewhat awkward for both of us. The impromptu surgery was a success, however, in spite of my lack of medical training and my accidental severing of the iguana's leg. This prompted a second surgery, which wasn't quite as successful since the leg I taped on wasn't moving any more and the iguana had either bled or suffocated to death in the process (I went a little overboard with the tape). So I found another iguana.
Meanwhile the pimento found its way to the olive stash behind the bar. It recruited the other olives with its story of hardship and tail-beating. Soon, a miniscule army of olives had gathered beneath the bar, too small for a bunch of drunks like us to notice. But the olives suddenly realized that their attack had been slightly ill-conceived, considering their size and lack of arsenal. They didn't even have little umbrellas.
The pimento was about to call a hasty retreat when a drunk fell off of his stool and landed on it. The sudden martyr of their leader sent the olives into a frenzy and they charged at the drunk, swarming over his face and body and drowning out his screams for help (which the rest of us ignored, assuming he was just drunk. Which he was). They excreted their olive acid (something they'd only just discovered in the heat of the moment) to melt his flesh.
When I noticed the skeleton on the floor, I laughed and sat him back up on a bar stool. I bought him a drink and the iguana chewed on his finger. But when he refused to drink with us, I lost my temper and punched his jaw off. That scared the poop out of me, I thought I'd killed him (I mentioned I was drunk, right?). The iguana and I decided we'd have to hide the body (he was an accomplice, having swallowed the finger), so we dragged it into the bathroom, where no one in their right mind would dare to go. Most of him didn't fit in the toilet, so we just locked the stall from the inside and crawled out.
Meanwhile, in the stall next to us, the olives were all vomiting human flesh into the toilet. It turned out they were violently allergic to it. Unfortunately, the iguana wandered into their stall (he wanted to flush the toilet paper for a gag) and, outnumbered, he was olive acid-ed and skeletonized. I managed to escape, rather annoyed at the prospect of having to find a third iguana.
Iguana three and I tried to convince the other patrons that there was an army of olives plotting our demise from the bathroom, but they all thought we'd had too many drinks (which we had, but so had they). A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do, and so does an iguana, so we pulled out the machine guns we'd hidden in the floor for just such an occasion. The iguana staked out the bathroom door and I kept my eye (and mouth) on several oliveless martinis.
Suddenly, the door burst open and olives were everywhere. Me and the iguana let the bullets fly, shooting everything that moved and was green with a pimento in the middle. They were actually pretty small, and if I hadn't been an excellent machine gunner (thanks to my training with Machine Gun Manfred, now in prison for killing more people than the country had room to bury), we would have missed more than 95 percent of them. As it was, we only missed 94 percent of them before we started shooting each others' bullets (they were about the same size) and then I sort of shot the iguana (he was about the same color).
So it was just me and a couple machine guns, facing down a hundred little green olives, and about a dozen dead drunks who'd been caught in the crossfire. I had only one choice. I harnessed the iguana's spirit and froze time while I picked off the olives one by one. I still missed a lot of them, but eventually I'd killed all but one. Then I ran out of bullets. Time unfroze as the iguana's spirit told me to go screw myself and left, but at least I'd evened the odds. I approached the final cowering olive to stomp its life out, when the bar door was kicked open.
Loud rap music deafened and blinded me as I tried to see who it was. There was a chorus of tiny voices swearing profusely and expressing their general dislike of my mother and my sister and my government and my ingrown elbows. Standing in the doorway was a small army (perhaps "gang" would be a better word) of black olives, straight out of the olive ghetto. Staring at me menacingly, they walked up behind the green olive and beat the pimento out of it. They even built a tiny curb and curb-stomped it.
The black olives came after me, and without an iguana I was helpless. They wrestled me to the ground and swarmed across my face, where they all pulled out tiny, unlicensed guns. They shot me until they ran out of ammunition, and then they left to find fried chicken and tiny watermelons. Fortunately, the force of the tiny guns was inproportionate to the thickness of my skin and the only consequence was a very bad case of acne, which didn't bother me for long because it turned out I was violently allergic to olives and the first one that I'd eaten had finally hit my stomach and sent me into painful seizures until I finally combusted. And no one lived happily ever after except the fourth iguana.
Author notes
Me and my trusty iguana take on a swarm of olives.
A contest entry
- I'm hungry... by k3nny.
525 points, ended December 10, 2006, 7 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Rewrite a Cliche II (BIG POINTS THIS TIME) by Kokaze.
900 points, ended February 12, 2007, 6 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Gun control is hittin' yer target.... by Krazy Scott.
275 points, ended January 23, 2007, 9 entries
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350 points, ended January 21, 2007, 16 entries
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130 points, ended January 28, 2007, 12 entries
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Gold trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Anything Goes by KitKatBar.
350 points, ended February 11, 2007, 44 entries
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205 points, ended May 1, 2007, 33 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - "Waiter, there is too much pepper on my paprikash." by katiefran.
400 points, ended September 1, 2007, 8 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what makes me write these crazy stories
Comments
1 - 44 of 44
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Interesting read
I have inserted my suggested additions in parenthesis:
… and stabbed him with a little umbrella (how rude!.) … bit his own tail off and beat the olive to death (call the police!) … the pimento escaped. (went to call the police)… using the little umbrella to pin the iguana's tail back on, (everyone should learn first aid ) … So I found another iguana.(Where did he get another iguana? Did the bar have iguana’s on the menu?) … to melt his flesh.(gory moment in the story) …
I noticed the skeleton on the floor, I laughed and sat him back up on a bar stool. I bought him a drink and the iguana chewed on his finger. But when he refused to drink with us, (Snobbish skeleton ) I lost my temper and punched his jaw off. (unfriendly thing to do ) That scared the poop out of me,( rest stop)… The iguana and I decided we'd have to hide the body (conspiracy)… Most of him didn't fit in the toilet, so we just locked the stall from the inside and crawled out. (Do skeletons smell after awhile?) …the olives were all vomiting human flesh (more gory detail)…. It turned out they were violently allergic to it. (see article in New England Jounal of Medicine ) …iguana wandered into their stall … outnumbered, he was olive acid-ed and skeletonized. (funeral services for iguana to be scheduled) I managed to escape, rather annoyed at the prospect of having to find a third iguana.(see menu) … A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do, and so does an iguana, so we pulled out the machine guns (now violence is getting into the story)… Suddenly, the door burst open and olives were everywhere. Me and the iguana (Iguana and I?) let the bullets fly, shooting everything that moved and was green with a pimento in the middle (good thing main character wasn’t color blind )… . then I sort of shot the iguana (he was about the same color).(bar called up to order more iguanas)… I had only one choice. I harnessed the iguana's spirit (does this come in a bottle?) and froze time (threw his watch in the freezer) … Then I ran out of bullets (not on the menu) . Time unfroze as the iguana's spirit told me to go screw myself (no ladies allowed in this bar)…Loud rap music deafened and blinded me as I tried to see who it was. There was a chorus of tiny voices swearing profusely and expressing their general dislike of my mother and my sister and my government and my ingrown elbows.(rude olives) Standing in the doorway was a small army (perhaps "gang" would be a better word) of black olives, (oh oh this story is getting politically incorrect– the next lines are censored out) ,,, And no one lived happily ever after except the fourth iguana. (there was a survivor – so the story had a happy ending after all)
beginning: 4, language: 3, plot: 3, ending: 4, dialog: 3, characters: 3.
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oh very good!!! i love a good attack of martini olives...almost as much as i enjoy a good martini! and the use of the iguana was quite inspired indeed! thanks for this entry, it really made me laugh and is a very, very welcome addition to my contest!
good luck! -
Funny story
I would have never thought ot put olives and iguana together in a story. The real bonus was the gang of black olives. Nice writing.
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Oh God that was HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THAT WAS SOOO FUNNY♥♥♥ I love your stories so much. And the iguanas.
Favorite parts: They excreted their olive acid (something they'd only just discovered in the heat of the moment) to melt his flesh.
They were actually pretty small, and if I hadn't been an excellent machine gunner (thanks to my training with Machine Gun Manfred, now in prison for killing more people than the country had room to bury), we would have missed more than 95 percent of them. As it was, we only missed 94 percent of them before we started shooting each others' bullets (they were about the same size) and then I sort of shot the iguana (he was about the same color).
Fortunately, the force of the tiny guns was inproportionate to the thickness of my skin and the only consequence was a very bad case of acne, which didn't bother me for long because it turned out I was violently allergic to olives and the first one that I'd eaten had finally hit my stomach and sent me into painful seizures until I finally combusted. And no one lived happily ever after except the fourth iguana.
Lovely. I ♥ you!
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Awsome
i loved the part when the black olives came out, man u have an imagination. -
I loved this it was so funny! LOL! Good job with imagination. cuz you have a strong one.
Well anyhow good job! I loved reading it
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This was so funny. My favorite characters were the black olives. This was just too funny, and good luck in the contest.
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Wow how funny! You have very good description and an active imagination. I'm wondering if you got sick on some olives and dreamed this or something? It was so great. I need a good laugh every now and then
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lol your funny this is soooo kewl
this is some really good stuff...i like it..in fact i will aploud it for it made me laugh -
awesome
wow you killed how many olives if I remember correctly you killed four iguanas but if you like iguanas why did you kill them or did i misunderstand something? in real life do you like green olives or is that the reason you killed them?
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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I dunno
I don't even want to laugh at your stories but I can't stop myself. Keep them coming.
beginning: 3, language: 3, plot: 3, ending: 3, dialog: 3, characters: 3.
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Mmm I love olives. Green ones. However, how am I supposted to eat them anymore? My appetite for iguana meat is spoiled as well. Guess I'll starve, thanks a lot. Good luck in my contest nonetheless.
xoxo
Kelsey
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LOL this was so funny..I loved it
I am so glad I picked this to read. You did great
Kari -
i loved the title. that is what most people choose the book or story they going to read is by the title or the frist page!!!!!!!! bravo bravo an applaud for you
beginning: 4, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 4.
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BWAHAHAHAH!!!! (not sure why that came out an evil laugh. Alas.) I love this. It's so creative and, well, hilarious. Especially the olives fom the ghetto. You reminded me of Douglas Adams at a few points. Excellent work.
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I consider that a great compliment, Douglas Adams is one of my favorite authors and possibly my biggest influence. Thanks!
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It was really good you have an unusual style, (in a good way) which captures the readers interest, and makes them read to the end. This is a really good piece, and I didn't even pick up any spelling mistakes!
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Sorry it took me so long to view and comment. I liked it! Thanks for entering and good luck.
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This was hilarious. I've always wondered why it is that I hate olives. Now I know. Thanks for shedding a little light on that for me. I totally didn't expect the black olives. Had me rolling. Masterfully written. This should print this story as a warning on Alcohol labels everywhere.
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*falls over and dies laughing* Right, without even looking at the comments, I already knew who the author of this piece was. No one else has a mind like you dur!
This was a great story! Good job! Thanks for enterting and good luck! -
Thank you for making me laugh so hard I nearly peed myself. I read this story aloud which I believe added much needed humor to an already hilarious story. In doing so I made the person that I read it to laugh so hard they nearly peed themselves. It was almost a pee fest. While I do no eat olives of any kind I will surely watch out for the ones with missing pimentos. Thank you for the in depth warning that such events deserve. Good luck in the contest. It is a great story.!!!
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this is a very good play on words in the title. I can't get enough of what you write. Keep it up. You are so talented and have a humourous side. Tres Bien!
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BTW, what makes you write these crazy stories? The bogey man...He lives in your closet and tells you things. (He's against the pimentos!)
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Funny you mention that...it's not actually the bogey man in my closet, it's Stalin. Former dictator. He hates pimentos.
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wow..I thought this was going to be a stupid childish garbage. This is actually hilarious. I like you Brent. You have a wonderful sense of humor. I've been trying to write a funny story like this forever, but I'm no good at it. I'm more of a fantasy style serious drama what not. But, it's good none-the-less.
~Chelsey~
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I have a question: Did the same iguana spirit occupy all four iguanas? If not why did the third one agree to help you fight the olives when he didn't even know you? Or are iguanas just friendly that way? You story made me laugh, like usual, keep it up.
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I have an answer: Iguanas are the source of all power. If you are in harmony with the iguanas, then nothing is impossible. "Man who catch iguana with chopstick accomplish anything."
I'm not sure that was the answer to your question, but it was an answer. May the iguana be with you. -
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thanks for the words of wisdom
now all I have to do is find some chopsticks...
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I don't even like olives, but I loved the story. Great write.
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well written with a good flow and wonderfully funny quite an imagination i ove it especially the black olives this is brilliant did i mention i love it keep writing T
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Well, then! This a very interesting story. :)
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Weird and witty
I did let out a few chuckles. Pretty imaginative. Its like a weird dream. I dream such ridiculous dreams pretty often...but gotto say they aint half as much humourous. I like your style of writting. Can't find any errors...so this is the best critique i can give.beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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It's good enough for me, thanks! Soon you'll have visions of olives dancing in your head. With iguanas. Doing the tango. Enjoy your dreams.
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This was really weird and funny. I enjoyed reading it a lot. I really did. Good write. This really was good. Keep on writing. God Bless!
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1. WOAH. Okay, okay, you grabbed my attention. Is the whole story going to be this crazy...? Comma after "martini" in the first sentence. Comma after "off" in the second. Was it a black olive? I love black olives, save one for me next time!
2. Where did the pimento come from? What's a pimento? Comma after training in sentence three. "In spite... training" could probably flow better, in my opinion. Maybe consider rearranging things? Also, in the next sentence, you need a "had" before "taped on." Why did you need another iguana? Poor iguana! I have an iguana!
3. WHAT IS A PIMENTO??? Optional comma after "olives." Next sentence, maybe you could replace one of the "small"s with a synonym? Just a suggestion. Sentence after that is a fragment, which is okay, as long as you're aware that it's breaking a rule. Same sentence, I advise you to add a "had been" to your sentence, instead of "was," as those two forms of the verb are different tenses, and I think you're using the wrong one. Your last sentence might have more effect with an exclamation point at the end, though I may be misunderstanding your purpose there.
Oh, shoot, I ran out of time again. I need to start writing shorter reveiws... I'll come back to it later, if you want.
Just as a side note, this is not, in any way, a cliche. It startled me with its randomness, which is usually a brilliantly good thing, but it doesn't fit the requirements. Sorry!
I do like it, though, very much despite the plights of the poor iguanas! IGGY, I'LL SAVE YOUUUUU!!! -
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1. I'll probably be responding out of order.
2. A pimento is the little reddish orange thing inside a green olive, which brings me to--
3. They were green olives. The black olives came in later.
4. Commas before "and" are unnecessary and often frowned on.
5. I needed another iguana because the first one died. It was an accident.
6. I'm having fun with numbers.
7. This is obviously the good versus evil cliche. Duh.
8. Okay it was a stretch, but it was the only way I could fit one of mine into this contest.
9. You're welcome to come back to it anytime. Bring it on
10. I'm done now.
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Where do you keep getting these iguana's? Is there a secret little stash of them in the bar?Why didn't you just stomp on the olive's? Otherwise, it was very silly and I liked it.
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Iguanas are everywhere, you just have to believe in them. And know where to look. Like the force.
We would have stomped on the olives, but then they started flying and ricocheting off things. So obviously we needed machine guns. I'm glad you liked it.
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Oh... Nasty little olives...
First, Thank you for entering my contest.
Your story is original and really entertaining. The action goes on pretty quickly here. (I guess you like when things go on quickly, isn't it? like in some films?)
Anyway, I really hate those olives, they are so nasty; really nasty.
You could have added some more details in here; especially at the end and some times when you are changing paragraphs.
Overall, it's a nice story you have here and none too crazy...
Good Luck then and have a nice time! -
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Good eye
I do try to keep things moving, because a.) I have a short attention span and b.) I'm majoring in screenwriting (so your film comment was right on the mark). Glad you enjoyed it, and hopefully the olives won't get you.
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Would make a good Entry to Kenny11's Food Contest.
Reminds me of a few of the Entires in Kenny11's food Contest. I entered it the other day. He would be keen to have this story in his Contest I am sure. I like it as a play on words of The Grapes of Wrath. My entry was entitled The Night of the Living Bread which was a play on words of the movie, The Night of the Living Dead.
This story was creative, delightful, and entertaining.
language: 5.
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Wish granted.
Thanks for the suggestion.
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Interesting
This was crazy. I liked this, like 3 iguana's died or something. I thought the tiny watermelons and fried chicken was a bit overboard but that's just me. Btw your ends always seem to be super run on sentences. Anyway it was quite interesting and quite nuts.
beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 5, ending: 4, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Quite nuts indeed
The tiny watermelons and fried chicken were absolutely necessary to establish the black olives' blackness. And yes, super run on endings seem to be my style because super run-on sentences affect the way you read, they speed up the pace.
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