The Green Moron

****Sexual content****1

2

Harold Yutz impatiently wiped his thick bottle cap glasses on his cab driver’s uniform shirt, the traffic light still hadn’t changed green. Tried as he might he couldn’t read the license plate three feet in front of him without his glasses. With his nearsightedness it was impossible. He squinted as he tried to read, the plate he could tell that it was Vermont by the design. The smaller letters looked like the Green moron state, as he thought about it the name sounded like it would be perfect for him. He still hadn’t come up with a superhero name and that seemed to fit him somehow. He read it to say moron (emphasis on the ON not the mor.) He couldn’t tell if the plate itself was green or blue though, he was color blind. Only seeing grays, blacks, whites, and browns. Harold put his glasses back on looking in the rear view mirror to adjust them. He wasn’t a bad looking fellow for forty-four years old, with exception to the thick glasses . His eyes were a deep chocolate brown rather large and even larger with the glasses. He smoothed down his curly black hair into place and smiled with his beautiful even white teeth. “Thank God for braces.” He said to himself. The braces had finally come off about a year ago and his mother nagged him often to brush them.3

Getting bored waiting Harold looked around. The driver in the vehicle beside him drove a rusty gray van which had lost the name plate years before. Stenciled in large white letters on the passenger side door read, Pinky’s Party animal. The man behind the wheel wore a fake gorilla suit, drumming his fingers impatiently on the steering wheel. Sweat poured from his forehead staining the front of his suit, with his free hand he had his finger half way to Mars digging for yellow and green nuggets. You could tell he had made it his lot in life to clean out one side of his nose by the larger sized nostril that resided to the one side of his pimply face. The drive looked around for a place to wipe the loogy and decided the door on the drivers side would do. Harold shivered promising himself never to shake hands with that fellow.4

Harold’s patience was waning, just as he was about to call the city about the light the van made a break for it and ran the red light. Pulling over to the side of the road, Harold sprinted to his trunk and pulled his costume. He looked around to see if anyone was watching. With paranormal speed, ran to the nearest gas station rest room and emerged five seconds later with his leopard tights and purple cap in place. He adjusted his smiley faced black and yellow shorts so the crotch opening was inline with the rest of his costume and using his incredible superhero senses focused on his prey. An elderly woman and her pooch were out walking, she stopped to stare then smiled a broad come and get me cutie grin. Harold frowned and scooted around her. Looking down where her eyes were staring he noticed he had forgot to button his shorts. He fumbled with the button saluting a thank you sprinting to catch up with the loogy gorilla. He could just kick himself as he saluted he felt his mask at the top of his head again. His identity was to be kept a secret but yet again someone had seen his face. He pulled his mask down around his glasses, and with lightening speed caught up with the van. He startled pinky as he kept up with the speeding van. He knocked on the window, “Excuse me. Could you please pull over?” The driver slammed on his breaks. “What the fu…?” He exclaimed. “Who in the hell are you suppose to be?” 5

“Can’t you see? I am the green moron, and you just went through a stop light. Mister. You are in big trouble!”6

“Ooooo I am shaking in my pink gorilla slippers. You’re dressed kind of strange to be called the green Moron. Though with that getup maybe your name suits you. It isn‘t even green!”7

“That’s Moron emphasis on the ON! And there is no need to be insulting, my mother made this costume.”8

“Oh! That explains a lot,” The loogy man said rolling his eyes.9

“I’m going have to give you a ticket, you’ve broken the law.” he pulled a book from his back pocket and began to write the ticket. As he wrote the loogy man stepped on the gas and sped away. He pulled out in front of a semi. The semi slammed on his breaks but a thing that big can’t stop on a dime. The gray van fished tailed and flipped over several times coming to a stop near some trash cans. The semi’s cargo doors flew open spilling boxed facial tissues all over the road. Harold ran to the van and ripped the dented door from its hinges. He just pulled the loogy man from the van running for cover as it exploded into flames. Little bits of facial tissue lit up the sky as the boxes caught fire raining down on him as he watched the van burn.10

“Hoover Pickit, is still in a coma sir. He can’t receive any visitors until his family is notified,” Nurse Ratchet explained sternly as she stood guard outside the hospital room. Her name tag said it all, Harold was getting the run around and he wasn’t liking it. He patiently explained, “But I was the one that rescued Mr. Pickit.” Nurse Ratchet wasn’t buying it. She looked down her nose at him disapprovingly. For some odd reason she kept glancing at his black and yellow smiley faced shorts. He was just too self-conscience to look down, he was almost certain the button was undone again. Not being one to budge an inch, stared back at her taking in her severe blunt army hair cut and white starched uniform. She couldn’t have been more then maybe thirty-five and all of five feet tall, but she stared him down showing no mercy. Her horned rim glasses gave her the finishing touch to her harsh look. Her blonde hair was greased down to hold it in place. He wondered to himself if she was as tight in bed as her uniform was. It looked like it was at least two sizes to small by the excess, that hung out in front and her butt just barely fit in the door way. “I’m sorry you have to leave or I’m calling security!” She continued just as sternly. He knew he could take an army of security men down but he was a peaceful law abiding citizen so he turned to leave giving the nurse a tight smile before leaving. She held her ground continuing to look down her nose at him. As he walked down the hall he felt her milky blue eyes boring holes in his back.11

Harold had removed his costume just after leaving the hospital, it was getting itchy and it seemed that he was getting more stares then usual. He drove home feeling like his day was getting worse by the minute. When he walked into his mother and his condo he found the answering machine blinking. She had gone to Florida for a summer solace and was due to return with in the next day. He pushed the play button to hear his mother’s whiny voice say, “Yes Harold dear this is your mother, if you have a minute, you can pick me up at the airport tomorrow night at six but if you can’t take time from your busy schedule I can take a cab, what’s twenty bucks it just digs into your inheritance. And don‘t forget to wear clean underwear you never know when you might find your future Jewish wife. Don‘t be late dear you know how airports give your mother a headache. And by the way…..” The machine had run it’s course, thankfully cut his mother off. Harold blew a sigh of relief, He didn’t so much mind living in her basement, but her constant meddling in his love life was getting on his nerves.12

The florescent light in the room blinking to the beat of his headache finally screamed in his head waking him from the coma. Hoover cracked his eyes to slits looking around in a panic. Where and the hell am I and why does my head feel like a Mac-truck and I did the samba. He more or less understood that he was not stopped at the red light anymore, but for the life of him couldn’t seem to get a man in leopard tights flying around his head out of his mind. “So mister Pickit you’ve decided to join the living,” an overly bright nurse Ratchet beamed as she entered the room. Hoover gaped at the accentuated nurse. Something about women with large butts did something to him. “I was just coming to give you your daily bed bath,” She continued just as brightly. “Please do. I think I need your loving attention.” He said with a lecherous grin. He covered his eyes when she pulled the curtains to the bright sun shine. “Well, you have been getting excellent care while you were here.” She said ignoring his behavior. Hoover couldn’t believe his eyes when he saw this angel before him. He looked down at the sheet the same time she did and watched as he pitched a tent. She turned briskly, busying herself with the wash basin.13

“How long has my stay been by the way?” He croaked.14

“You’ve been here about a week. Well, nine days to be exact.” She beamed again.15

“What happened? All I can remember is stopping at a red light.” He watched as her rear end swayed in the most enticing way as she worked. She turned glancing at him ignoring the obvious. “Yes well ahh, as I understood it, you ran a red light and a moron in leopard tights pulled you from the wreckage!” She said checking the temperature of the water with her elbow as if she were to bath an infant. Hoover wanted to rub his ever growing member, it was becoming painful. Instead he absentmindedly picked his nose as he listened to her story, he stopped in mid dig when her annoying chatter ceased. He glanced over at her to find her staring at him in disgust, her blue eyes boring into his disapprovingly. “That Mister Pickit, is a very disgusting habit you have.” He pulled his finger from his nose looking at the bright green loogie on his finger, he then proceeded to push his finger between his fat pink lips, making a popping sound as he pulled his finger out. At the last second he used his clean finger instead. He smiled a perverse evil grin as she dropped the wash basin in the sink and exited his room posthaste. Hoover watched her enticing ass, all but run from the room. He sighed. He just couldn’t help but play a practical joke but he was afraid he might have gone over board with this one, and he was so looking forward to a bed bath from that angel too. 16

Harold knew if he were late picking up his mother from the airport that he wouldn’t be able to live it down. His mother would make sure of that. He delivered his last fare with lightening speed and drove slightly over the speed limit to get to the airport by five fifteen. Knowing his mother the way he did she would tell him the wrong arrival time to guilt him into something. His suspicions were confirmed when he looked up at the monitor that told the arrival times, her plane would be landing in a mere fifteen minutes. He would just make it to the arrival gate to see her un-board. As she walked down the steps of the plane he noticed that she was pale and limped slightly. For a woman in her early sixties she was still a very lovely lady. Her dark brown hair had minimal gray in it while her green eyes still held fire. She carried herself with dignity even as she limped down the gateway, a steward made the mistake of offering his arm, Harold had to smile as his mother shoed the offer away like an irritating fly.17

“Hello mother, how was your trip?” Harold said kissing her cool cheek.18

“How do you think it was dear? Airplane food if I wanted to kill myself I could just eat it. And the ride I tell you, the turbulence. Never mind I’ll be fine. Just get your mother home so she can get some rest.”19

Harold watched as his mother limped up the walk way and knew that if he didn’t ask about her limp it would turn into a leg amputation. “So mother, what’s the deal with the limp?”20

“ Now you ask me, don’t worry about me I’ll be fine. You just take care to bring me home. Mind your speeding this isn‘t the Indy 5oo. ” Okay she wasn’t going to make this easy for him but he didn’t really expect her to. She was hiding something he could sense it.21

“So how was Florida, did you have a good time?” He asked nonchalantly.22

“ The weather was nice and clear. But I missed home. It seems I prefer the smog.”23

“Yes, home is always where the heart is.” He was running out of small talk and was rapidly losing his patience waiting for his mother to get to her secret agenda. “So dear, have you met any nice Jewish girls while I was gone?” She asked trying to sound innocent. Ah so this is what her little agenda was. He said to himself as the light bulb all but blew up in his head. “No mother I have been too busy to meet anyone you know as well as I do, you would be the first to know.” He weaved through traffic picking up speed as his agitation grew. “Dear you need to slow down my Jewish heart isn’t as sound as it once was.” She chided him gently. He ignored her remark saying, “Mother what have you done, who am I suppose to meet now?” 24

“If that is the kind of tone you take to your old mother then never mind. I can always have your cousin Herb meet her.” She said her spine erect staring out the front window dabbing at her crocodile tears. Rolling his eyes he let out a breath of resignation, “Okay mother who is she and when do we meet?” His hands gripping the stirring wheel so tight he bent the frame. 25

“Never mind, I can live without grandchildren. You go on being a cab driver and living your busy life.” She replied with a catch in her voice.26

“Mother you know I do more then drive this car. I also up hold law and order. I don‘t need you to find me a wife. If I wanted to get married I could find someone to marry myself.” His irritation returning.27

“But dear you aren‘t getting any younger. Your father rest his dear soul, was the Great Captain Dreydl and our marriage was arranged. He told me all of his ancestors had prearranged marriages.” 28

“Yes mother, but I don’t stay alone by choice. It Just seems that way. I just haven’t been able to find anyone I feel comfortable or to share my secrets with.” feeling more and more trapped by his mother’s meddlesome ways. He knew there was no way out of this. His mother always told him while he was growing up that was what his mother was for.29

“Well dear, I met this lovely girl her name is Candy. She is transferring to New York next week and is planning on coming to dinner the week after she moves into her new apartment.” she said not hiding the excitement in her voice. “Candy what mother?” He asked gripping the steering wheel harder. “Candy Cane dear. Can I count on you to come next Monday?” His mother said triumph shining in her emerald green eyes. Ignoring the way the stirring wheel seemed to be forming into a pretzel. “Yes mother.” Defeat heavy in his voice. Pulling the stirring wheel straight as he agreed.30

Candy moved the last of the boxes marked living room into the front room. She wiped the sweat from her forehead adjusting the pony tail wondering what her hair looked like at the moment. She chided herself for being vain, but she was blessed with beautiful long platinum blonde curly hair. It was thick and healthy. She thought she was doing pretty good only having one vanity. Her sister Sugar, had three. Candy was the most sensible of the two as well as the youngest. At least that is what her father, Nova always said. Sugar tended to let her blonde hair interfere with her intelligence. Candy on the other hand had an exceptionally high IQ and commonsense, and she knew enough not to let her vanity control her actions. Sugar always liked to brag that she was the better looking of the two but that was by far an understatement. Candy with her beautiful wide set violet eyes and cute button nose was the most beautiful. Yes, Sugar was pretty too, but Candy was the looker as well as the intelligent one in the family. Her mother Alana, just couldn’t understand why Candy couldn’t find a nice Jewish boy to settle down with. Candy knew though. Most men were intimidated by her beauty and she just flat out refused to dumb herself down for any man. Grandmother, Coco always said someone will come along, you might not always see them but there is someone for everyone out there. Candy smiled the unpacking was almost done for the evening. She was so looking forwards to getting all the stuff put away. Some inner voice was telling her that this was the right move to relocate to New York. Her mother always told her to follow her heart and that is exactly what she did. The hollow sound of her stomach made her pause from unpacking one of the heavier boxes. She hadn’t taken the time to eat today and her stomach was throwing a hissy fit. She rubbed her flat stomach and wondered into the kitchen. She opened the frig smacking her hand on her forehead. “Damn! Empty!” she exclaimed. She knew there was something she had forgotten to do today. She wondered back out to the living room hoping that the phone company had got the phone connected like they said they would. Picking up the receiver listening for the dial tone. She wasn’t disappointed, There is a God. She murmured to herself. Hoping to pass the time waiting for her pizza to be delivered by reading her emails was only a pipedream. No sooner had she opened her laptop her phone rang. She smiled as she thought to herself, my first phone call in my new house! “Hello!?” 31

“Hello Candy dear this is Mrs. Yutz. I hope you are getting settled? If you need anything I have a nice strong son, Harold, who can help with the heavy stuff.” 32

“Oh Hello Mrs. Yutz. Thank you so much for the offer but everything is going great. I am settling just fine. Candy smiled wider to hear who had called her. She just loved this lady. “And how are you doing? Is your ankle better?” 33

“Yes it is. Don’t worry dear, I have my son Harold to take care of me. He is such a strong and tender loving man I don’t know what I’d do without him.” 34

Candy thought to herself, this lady is trying to sell her son a little too hard. I wonder if she is trying to play matchmaker. Holding the phone from her ear she called “Just a sec, I’ll be right there!” 35

“I’m so glad that he’s there for you. I’m sorry to cut this short but my supper’s at the door and I need to pay him.” Candy said back into the phone.36

“Oh dear you shouldn’t be eating fast food, you’ll get fat eating all those calories. Good thing you’re coming to dinner next week. A good home cooked meal’s what you need. You are, still coming to dinner Monday, right?”37

“Yes Mrs. Yutz I’ll be there.”38

“Please call me Meme. Everyone does.” 39

“Okay Meme it is. Thank you for calling. I’ll see you next week. Bye.” 40

“Bye, dear and please wear something pretty, you never know when you might meet Mr. right.” Candy hung up the phone shaking her head. When the doorbell rang for the third time she sprinted to the door to answer it. She sprung the door open wide catching the pizza boy off guard. He looked up from double checking the address slip. His mouth dropped open and he began to stutter. “Angel’s…. I mean Marty’s pizza delivery….” Candy was use to men’s reaction to her looks. She hid her smile taking the pizza box before he dropped it. “Thank you keep the change.” Closing the door in his astonished face. 41

The following Saturday: As the days counted down to his mother’s supper party, Harold became almost petrified with fear. His nerves were so frazzled that every sound in the house was amplified tenfold. He jumped when the phone rang, his head hit the ceiling leaving an impression of his egg shaped head . “Sorry you have the wrong number!” he yelled a little impatiently into the phone. He felt guilty after he hung up but this supper had him so high strung wondering what his mother was thinking, but he already knew. He kind of felt sorry for this Candy woman. He didn‘t finish his thought before he heard, “Harold what was that gosh awful noise I just heard?” His mother called from the top of the basement steps. “Nothing mother go back to what you were doing.” He called back. “Well dear this isn’t a brawl-house, if you want to fight go find some bad guys.” Just as she said that his sixth sense told him that there was an injustice being committed. He ignored her comment sprinting to the closet pulling his costume on his 6’2 frame, remembering this time to pull the mask down over his thick glasses. Being afraid of heights sometimes interfered with his job but he didn’t let that stop him from doing his best. He decided to run top speed to the injustice in question. When he arrived he surveyed the scene taking into account the dangers to spectators. The man on the roof looked like he was growing wiry of standing on the edge. The crowd below was egging him on and it wouldn’t be long before he’d jump. Harold looked up and knew he could jump up to the guy on the roof but the anxiety over heights, doing so held him grounded. So instead he threw his voice trying not to startle the guy into jumping. It had the exact opposite affect. The man stumbled and lost his balance. The jumper closed his eyes tightly as he started his downward decent. Not even thinking of his own fears, Harold jumped up ten stories and caught the guy in mid-fall. The guy peeked at Harold with one eye, “Who are you? How did you catch me? The jumper looked down noticing Harold was flying, What‘s holding you up?” The jumper’s eyes popped opened , big as saucers. Harold floated down easing the jumper to his feet. The police closed in around them and took the jumper into custody. “Hey moron, what’s with the getup you’re wearing?” One of the bystanders taunted. Harold decided to ignore the rudeness, “There is no need to thank me I am just doing my job as a concerned citizen.” A newspaper reporter stepped forward, “Hey leopard boy what’s with the suit?” There was no use hiding now. Harold thought to himself, I really need to make a name for myself. “I am the Green Moron emphasis on the ON. Where there is crime to fight I’ll be there or be square.” Well sir I think it is a little too late you are already one peg shy of a square.” The reporter chuckled out. The bystanders began to laugh but Harold had already ran off disappearing before he realized he was the butt of everyone’s joke. Everyone looked around, totally missing how Harold could have possible gotten away with out anyone seeing him go. 42

Candy stepped out on to her front door to retrieve her paper. She was rather cranky this morning because she had overslept until she realized that it was only Sunday. She scowled at the next door neighbor’s kids on their bikes as they screamed in the street. She brought the paper to her table in the kitchen pouring a cup of coffee and spread it out to read, the headlines read, Moron saves jumper. He stated that he was the Green Mor-On but not even the police have a clue to who the moron was that saved a jumper Saturday afternoon. The saver, dressed in leopard print tights, smiley faced black and yellow shorts and purple cap according to reports flew up and caught a stunned jumper Saturday. According to spectators he first startled the jumper by throwing his voice. The saver, looked a little peaked himself flying up to catch the jumper in mid fall. His parting words as he disappeared were of no clue to the identity of the masked moron, “Where there is crime to fight, I’ll be there or be square.” Candy had to smile as she read the story. She found reporters to be amusing. Some of the stories they printed always seemed to be lacking in some detail. The reporter didn’t even bother to get the heroes side of the story just the poor chump that happened to be watching. It never failed that the hero is misquoted. She couldn’t see how anyone would want to be called the green moron.43

Groaning, “Be there or be square?” Swiping his hand down his face Harold still couldn’t believe what an idiot he sounded like when he read the paper. He read the story twice through and hoped to God no one would recognize him. If his mother would read this he would never live it down. At his last thought as if she was reading his mind the phone rang. Harold put the paper aside and grabbed up the phone on the second ring. “Hello mother. Perfect timing as usual.” He said smiling his lips thinning with strain.“ Harold, the lentil ladies and I were just talking about you. We have our monthly meeting and Mrs. Steinbeck couldn’t wait to corner me on this little bit of news. What kind of name is the green moron? Are you trying to make your mother the laughing stock? Never mind don’t answer me. Your father bless his sweet soul would be rolling over in his grave right now if he knew how you disrespect me.” Her voice cracking under the strain of her melodrama. 44

Harold wisely held his tongue, he really wanted to put her in her place but didn’t, she really could make his life hell if she put her mind to it. “I am sorry mother, I have to go, ah,45

I hear someone calling for help.” He hung up the phone feeling guilty for the lie but couldn’t think of a better way to get away from his mothers nagging behavior. He loved her dearly but one of these days she’ll go too far. 46

Candy still had another week before she opened her new office. She know it was the right move to open an optometrist’s office here in this city. She was a disappointment to her grandma, she wasn’t a physician, only a eye doctor. Even though she graduated with honors being the youngest in her class at the ripe old age of twenty-three. Candy had graduated from high school at fourteen and went directly to college. She was now thirty and still very young to have her own practice. Candy chose to be an eye doctor, she felt the eyes to be the window to the soul. 47

Monday morning dawned bright and cheery though Candy didn’t get much sleep last night. She couldn’t seem to find the right outfit to wear to Meme’s dinner. Every outfit she had was still laid out over her bedroom chair. Being too lazy to hang them back in the spacious closet. I guess it’s time to go shopping. She said to herself smiling. She loved to shop. She called a cab then went to pick out something to wear. She settled on a pair of snug jeans and a teal tank top. She decided that the sensible thing to do would be to put her hair up in a pony tail. The weather was rather warm for this time of year, and it tended to get real hot when it was down.48

The cab pulled up to the driveway and honked his horn. Candy grabbed her purse and house keys. The driver waited by the taxi’s back passenger door, opening it for her. She smiled and the cab driver just looked away. She thought it odd that he didn’t even say hi. She watched him for a time weaving in and out of traffic. Damn it a shame, cause he’s really cute. She finally gave up waiting for him to speak. She wondered, maybe he’s mute.49

Harold drove tongue-tied as he stole glances in his rearview mirror at his beautiful fare. She seemed totally oblivious to her beauty. He had to slam on the brakes a couple times when he got too close to a car stopped at the stoplight. She didn’t seem to notice. He so wanted to say something witty but was afraid that he would say something stupid. He pulled up to the mall saying, “ I will get you there or be square to your destination on time.” He smiled brightly. Inside he mentally kicked himself for the, be square crap again. She smiled startled when he finally spoke, Harold ‘s heart seemed to melt. “ Thanks, can you pick me up in an hour?” She asked knowing that it would be difficult to get a cab this time of the morning later. She handed the money over to him and he took it staring into her unusual violet eyes. She looked away climbing out of the cab leaning over into the passenger window for his answer. “Sure. In an hour.” He said looking into her eyes and looking away quickly. She chalked it up to him just being weird, patting the car, turning to walk into the mall. He really was quite good looking and wondered what he would look like without those thick glasses on. She promised herself she would give him one of her business cards when he came back later to pick her up. She might be able to fix his eyes. He had the dreamiest brown eyes she had ever seen. She shook herself and continued with her shopping. Candy found the perfect outfit at the first stop she made. She paid and realized she hadn’t eaten breakfast, deciding to walk over to the food court. Sitting at the table by himself was the cab driver. She walked to his table and sat down. He looked startled for a moment but caught himself from dropping a forkful of scrambled eggs. “ Hello again!” she said smiling. He smiled and looked away shyly. “Hello.” He murmured between forkfuls of egg. He wondered what she could possibly want sitting here talking to a yutz like him. He smiled at his own private joke. “ Well I wanted to give you my card, I am an eye doctor and just thought if you ever wanted to get rid of your glasses I could probably fix that for you. It doesn‘t hurt to try and drum up clients when a person can.” Harold took her card and shoved it in his shirt pocket without looking at it. “Thanks I will keep you in mind if I ever need my eyes fixed.” He murmured again. She continued talking and while she droned on about her practice. He sensed he was needed and interrupted her chatter. “ Sorry I have to go.” He said leaving his plate and all but ran from the table. He left her there with her mouth open wondering what the hell she said to make him run off like that. She closed her mouth confusion replaced her astonishment. 50

He finished up with the convenience store robbers in less then fifteen minutes with ten minutes to spare to get back to his cab fare. He changed his clothes and raced back to the mall. As he drove he had to come up with a good excuse to tell her. She was visibly colder as she got into the cab. She refused to look at him and only smiled thinly when he closed the door behind her. He closed the drivers side door and revved the engine to pull away. “ Sorry, when nature calls it doesn’t stop for no one.” He said as he turned to back out of the parking spot. Something told her, he was lying but she let it drop she wouldn’t be seeing him again she was sure. She shoved the money into his hand and exited the cab. Harold sighed, he knew he blew his one chance on such a rare beauty. He was sure he would never see her again. 51

Candy dressed with care for the supper with Meme and her son. She looked at herself in the full length mirror and admired the tailored suit. It fit perfectly showing all her curves. She let her hair hang loose it just reached down past her butt and it looked so shiny and healthy that Candy had to smile. She had chosen a black suit with white pinstripes. She decided on a white silk camisole to go with the jacket and pants. If she got warm she could take the jacket off and feel comfortable. She made sure to shave carefully. If Meme wanted to play matchmaker she might as well dress the part. Actually Candy didn’t really mind about Meme’s matchmaking. She hadn’t had any luck on her own and her biological clock was counting down. One of her goals was to be married by thirty-three. One last look at herself in the mirror before applying a vivid red lipstick for the finishing touch. As she dabbed on her lavender perfume she heard the honk of the cab. She hoped she wouldn’t have the same driver but this was a big city so it wasn’t likely. 52

Harold didn’t know what to wear but decided on jeans and a nice pull over. His mother had offered to come down and help pick out an outfit. He declined feeling like a little boy all over again. He walked the long gauntlet to the kitchen hoping he didn’t look like a dork. “ Well, Harold you couldn’t have worn something a little nicer? It isn’t like I ask you to meet your future wife everyday.” His mother said without even turning around. Harold remembered his mother had eyes in the back of her head turned without saying word traipsing back down stairs to change his clothes. He decided not to go back to the kitchen fearing she wouldn’t approve of this outfit either. He sat in the living room waiting for the door to chime. He had just settled down to read a magazine when it finally rang. He sprinted to the door and opened it. His jaw dropped to the door frame. There stood his angel. She smelled like heaven to him too. His eyes wondered from her unusual violet eyes, to her red kissable lips down her body to every luscious curve in her nice suit. “Harold don’t be a yutz, let our guest in.” His mother chided him gently. He didn’t move and Candy had to step around him her breasts brushing up against his arm. He had an overwhelming urge to reach out and capture one with his lips. “ ’Scuse me.” He mumbled. “ Harold please, take our guests wine.” Addressing Candy saying. “That was very generous of you to bring some. Thank you Candy.” His mother finished looking at her son with question. Harold still hadn’t moved and Candy was starting to wonder if he had a mental disability when he grabbed the bottle and all but ran for the kitchen. Candy watched him stunned her hands in the air as if still holding the bottle until he disappeared through the kitchen door. “You will have to excuse my Harold dear, he isn’t use to such a pretty girl here. Please won‘t you have a seat. I’ll send Harold out to visit while I see to supper.” Candy went to sit on the couch as Meme briskly walked to the kitchen.53

“Harold, please do your mother a favor and keep Candy company. I’ve to see to the potatoes.” She slyly stated closing his mouth and pushed him out the kitchen door. He stumbled out to the living room and smiled weakly. “Ahh hello, again Ms. Cane.” He looked at her with such shyness that Candy couldn’t help but smile. “Hello again to you too. You must be Harold. Your mother has told me so much about you. And please call me Candy.” Harold looked back at the kitchen and swallowed a lump. “Thank you. I’ll call you Candy I mean. I’m sure she exaggerated the truth just a little. Please excuse a mother’s pride.” He all but stumbled over his words. Candy smiled again, his behavior amused her to no end. “Well she is quite proud of you, and she thinks you need to find a wife.” Candy couldn’t help but throw that last part in she knew he’d get even more nervous. Harold blushed a deep red but refused to let her get the best of him, “Are you..you.. offering?” Candy chuckled, “Sure anytime.” Harold’s eyes grew as big as saucers. His palms began to sweat and was thankful that his mother called from the kitchen. “ Supper is ready.” 54

When they went to sit down, Harold couldn’t help but notice there was only two settings at the table. “ Mother, aren’t you eating with us?” Harold inquired. “No dear I’ve one of my headaches again. You and Candy enjoy supper. I’ll just go lay down.” Meme said rubbing hear temples for dramatic affect. “ It’s been such a long day in the hot kitchen and I’m tired too. I’m going to just curl up and get a little sleep.” She continued looking from one to the other. Harold watched his mother go and something akin to panic crossed his face. “ Motheeeeer!” He whispered loudly. She ignored him and continued up the steps to her room. “Ummmmm.” Harold cleared his throat and looked at Candy smiling weakly. “ Well, have a seat Harold I’m sure your mother went to a lot of trouble to arrange this evening.” Candy said sweetly taking a seat at the table. Looking the table over Harold realized his mother had, too! To make a romantic dinner for, two! She made roast lamb with spring potatoes and baby carrots. Each plate was already served. On the side was cherry’s Jubilee flaming gently, the flames slowly dying as the alcohol slowly burnt out. He looked one last time up the steps hoping for a reprieve, then reluctantly sat at his spot. Candy shook out her cloth napkin and placed it ladylike on her lap. She picked up her fork and dug in. “I must apologize for my mother again, she has this overwhelming need to meddle in my life.” Harold found himself saying. Candy’s eyes twinkled with delight, “She only has your best interest at heart.” She said between bites. As they ate in silence, Harold felt his superhero senses go off. He was needed again. “Sorry I’ve got go, I’ll be back shortly.” 55

Candy looked confused than sputtered, “ But you haven’t finished eating. Where are you going?” Harold wiped his mouth and placed the napkin over his unfinished meal. “ When duty calls I am there or be square.” Harold rolled his eyes at his phrase and swore to himself not to use that anymore. Candy closed her eyes counting to ten. This was the second time he’d gotten up in the middle of eating to leave her. She was just about to let him have it when she opened her eyes he was gone. She looked around in confusion. “Now how did he do that?” she said out loud to herself. Candy stumped upstairs calling, “Meme?” Candy heard a faint, “Yes?” From the door on the left at the top of the stairs. Candy walked to the door and knocked once entering. “ How is the dinner dear, are you and Harold getting along fine?” Meme asked weakly from her bed. She did look pale and Candy just didn’t have the heart to rip into Meme about her inconsiderate son so she softened her anger and replied, “ I just came up here to check on you. How are you? is your headache better?” Meme removed the washcloth that she was using to cover her eyes and looked at Candy, “Is something the matter dear, you look rather peeved about something?” Candy looked away inhaling deeply saying, “ Your son has disappeared on me again. Am I doing something to frighten him away? Do I smell funny or something? Candy tried to make a joke of it to lighten it up but Meme could tell that Candy was angry. “No dear, not at all. He might have forgotten to do something or he just had to make a bathroom break. He can be that way. You have to excuse him, you know how men are. They don’t think when they do things. They think that we as women can read their mind.” Meme said groaning, replacing the washcloth. “ Is there anything I can do for you? Have you taken anything for your headache?” Candy asked, concerned when Meme winced with pain from the brightness of the room. “Yes dear I have. These headaches only last a short time but they hurt like hell when they come on. Don’t worry dear, it will only be a matter of time before the medicine kicks in.” Meme said her voice muffled by the washcloth. “Come keep me company until Harold returns.” Meme continued, patted the bed beside her. Candy walked over and sat on the bed gently. She didn’t want to disturb Meme.56

Harold figured by now Candy must think him some kind of flake. This was the second time he had run out on her and she has to be pretty confused about now. He hoped that his mother had come up with a good excuse why he keeps running out on Candy.57

Hoover was getting pretty sick of the hospital food and the doctor hadn’t made his rounds yet. He so wanted to go home and soak in a long hot bath. His muscles still sore from the accident. He found out that nurse Ratchet’s name was Attila, and every time she came in to help him, he tried to find some way to apologize for his warped humor. He could never seem to breech the subject without having it sound lame. He wanted to ask her for a date but knew that there was no way she would want to go out with a clown like him. He was surprised to learn that she was unmarried and unattached. He found the other nurses were more then willing to give him the information he inquired about because for some odd reason they all referred to her as Attila-the-Hun. He figured they were probably all jealous of her. The doctor finally stopped by telling Hoover that he was free to go. Hoover donned his gorilla suit and with a heavy heart, climbed into the wheel chair that waited for him outside his room. It did brighten his mood to see that Attila was pushing the chair to the exit. “So Attila, would you ever find it in your heart to go out with me sometime?” Hoover said kicking at an imaginary stone. Attila gave him a strange look, replying. “Sorry, I don’t make a habit of dating patients. Company policy.” Her tone rather dismissive. Hoover figured as much. As he was about to leave she handed him his discharge papers. “Thanks.” He murmured feeling rejected. She turned pushing the chair in front of her going back into the building. He watched her ass sway and his pick gorilla suit began to fill out in front. 58

When Hoover got home he found three messages from the hospital, four from his ex-wife. two from his insurance company, and three from the bank. As he listened to each one his anger over what had happened hit him. First with the accident, then the humiliation with getting rejected from Attila and now he was in total financial ruin cause of the accident. Yes, he was self employed, but all the clients he had scheduled while in the hospital were missed. His first van ruined in the fire, his second van was uninsured. He was feeling totally depressed and lonely. The first three messages were from the hospital saying his insurance was denied. The next four from his ex were wondering where her alimony was. The next ones were saying that his health insurance was cancelled from lack of payment. The last three from the bank were for a demand of payment do to his account being in the red by five hundred dollars. Hoover’s blue mood was replaced with frustration. What was it about a descent Joe just trying to make a living. He deserved love, money and happiness. He grabbed his twenty-two shot gun and decided to go take out a permanent loan. 59

As he pulled into the bank parking lot he donned his gorilla mask and charged into the bank. “Everyone down on the floor!” The customers fell to the floor. The teller behind the counter tried to push the silent alarm only to have Hoover hit her in the face knocking her unconscious. “Anyone else try to do that and I will shoot first and ask questions later.” He looked off to the left and noticed an angel staring at him from the floor. Attila watched him with disproval. “Listen just fill this bag with what ever you have in the tills and I will leave you in peace.” The tellers filled the bag and shoved it back to Hoover. He grabbed it and edged towards the exit. He pointed to Attila saying,“ You over there with the nurse’s uniform, come with me.” Attila got up from the floor with as much dignity she could muster with her tight uniform and walked over to the gorilla. She had a sneaky suspicion who this was but held her tongue. She didn’t want to be shot. She knew that voice and the suit. She saw it enough hanging in the hospital room of Hoover Pickit. Her fear was bright in her eyes. Hoover grabbed her holding the shot gun up to her temple backing out of the bank. “Everyone face down and count to ten.” He called as he maneuvered the gun and her out of the front door. He pushed her to his van and shoved her in on the drivers side. He got in after her. He quickly leaned over her and clicked the passenger side door locked. 60

He no sooner pulled onto the road when he heard the sirens screaming in the distance. He calmly drove to his place in the country. If he was lucky he would have several minutes head start on the police. No one knew about his place in the country, not even his ex-wife. “ You can take off that ridicules gorilla mask Hoover, I know it is you.” Attila said sternly. Hoover pulled it off and smiled at his princess. “Yes how astute you are my lady. You do realize now I won‘t be letting you go.” He threw the mask to the back of the van. Attila glanced back and noticed that the back of the van was filled with boxes. “ I figured as much. I am not afraid of you.” She said more to convince herself then actually making a point. “Where are we going? Do you think you can out run the police?” She asked making her displeasure ooze with each word. “I’m taking you to your castle in the country. A princess needs a castle you know. Now please leave me in peace. I need to think.” Hoover said eyes glued to the road in concentration. Attila looked at Hoover as if he had lost his mind. She turned and stared out the passenger window. A single tear rolled down her face. She refused to give him the satisfaction that he made her cry so she let it slip down her cheek and drop to her lap. She clinched her hands tightly on her lap as they shook with her indignity. Her fingers turning white with the strain of her grip. Hoover reached out and patted her thigh. Her blue eyes shot daggers at his hand. He pulled it away as if she had bitten him and gripped the steering wheel. Feeling rejected again he continued to drive in silence.61

They pulled into the driveway and Hoover pushed the garage door opener. The door slid open with a loud squeal. He drove the van into the garage and close the door behind them. He pulled Attila to him and opened the door on his side. He then climbed out pulling her with him. They walked into the musty house and Hoover flicked the light on. He marched Attila to a kitchen chair and sat her down. “If you try and run away I will hunt you down and tie you to this chair. You got that princess?” She shook her head yes the fear all but stole the iris of her eyes. Her pupils were so dilated she almost looked like she had been taking drugs. Hoover felt guilty for putting the fear of God in her but he didn’t want to lose his prize. He went back into the garage and started to unload the boxes in the back of his van.62

Attila’s heart was beating very fast and she felt exhilarated. This was the first time a man had made her feel like a real woman. If she had to admit it to herself she was enjoying this little kidnapping. She knew she was definitely sexually excited too. But best not to let him know too soon how she felt. She would play this out for all it was worth. She got up from the chair and wondered to the back door. She glanced out to see Hoover unloading his cargo. “Would you like some help? I can see you are still sore from your accident.”63

Hover glanced her way and his mind straying to where he would like to take her right now. He looked down and saw his suit was getting tight at the crotch again. “Damn I have to get this hot thing off.” He murmured. He dropped the box and walked back towards the kitchen door. Attila squealed when she thought he was going to grab her. He only turned to her and said, “Come on I am going to change my clothes.” Attila’s heart escalated, “ You aren’t going to have your way with me are you?” Hoover looked her over like a prized cow. “Not unless you want me to.” He drawled. Attila bit her lip and replied, “ I am not some floozy that falls at your feet. I am a lady.” Hoover laughed and continued to the back bedroom. “Sit on the bed Princess. I am only going to the bathroom. I am leaving the door open. If you get up to leave I will hear you. That bed makes an awful racket when you get up. ” Attila sat down on the sagging mattress. True to his word the bed made a loud protest as she sat. “ I promise not to run away. You need help and I have made it my life’s mission to have you change your lawless ways.” Attila said. Hoover poked his head out of the bathroom and laughed. Attila tightened her lips looking up to heaven for assistance. “You wouldn’t have a change of clothes for me would you?” She asked into the bathroom. He came out saying. “As a matter of fact I have an old robe that might fit your voluptuous frame.” Attila took in his clean clothes and the way his blue jeans fit loose on his tall slim frame. Something about a thin man made her mouth water. “ I will wear this I guess. I don’t have a choice.” Hoover looked her over with her tight uniform and had another erotic moment with her playing nursey in his squeaky bed. He turned quickly so she couldn’t see the evidence of his thoughts. He stepped back into the bathroom to readjust his member. 64

Harold arrive at the scene of the crime in question just as the police finished up with their interviews. He was at another crime scene and felt a little guilty he couldn’t be at two places at once. If he would have been here earlier he would have been able to follow the perps scent back to his hideout. But it took Harold too long to get here and the scent was cold. He used his x-ray vision and noticed some hairs on the floor of the bank. They didn’t look real so he collected them as a police officer approached him yelling, “Hey moron what are you doing there? Move along one maniac a day is the quota today.” Harold saluted to the officer and ran out the door. He scanned the parking lot finding more hairs. He used his incredible hearing and overheard an officer, “It is the strangest thing, one guy said the perp was dressed like a pink gorilla. He got away with several thousand from the tills.” The other officer replied. “It really is a shame that he took a hostage. I hope she is alright.”65

“Did you find out yet who she is?” The second one spoke again,“ Yes one of the tellers said, some nurse from the hospital, an Attila Ratchet.” the second officer asked, “Do we know what the perp was driving?” the first officer answered, “Yeah it was a nineteen seventy-seven grey cargo van. That is one witness said. Kind of odd, you think? You know some dude dressed like an animal robs the bank and a van that says pinky‘s party animal?” The two officers laughed entered the building and that was as far as Harold could pick up. Harold learned what he needed to know, the perpetrator was Hoover Pickit. It only be a matter of time before the police would find out who Hoover is. Harold knew he had the jump on the police. It was just a matter of finding the criminal before someone got hurt, namely Attila Ratchet. He decided to go home and do a little research himself on the internet.66

When Meme finally fell asleep, Candy decided to go home. Harold hadn’t made an appearance yet and Candy was starting to feel foolish for hanging around and waiting for him to show up. She called a cab and thought, it would be ironic if Harold was the driver.67

When she got home she kicked her shoes off hanging her new suit in the closet. Since she was doing that she decided to clean her room putting the rest of her wardrobe away. She thought of Harold as she cleaned. It seemed odd he kept saying be there or be square that phrase, she heard that somewhere before and it dawned on her it was in the Sunday paper yesterday. Still full of energy after cleaning she decided to go for a walk. She decided to walk up to her office it was only a few blocks away. The traffic was heavy waiting for the traffic light to change for the pedestrians was irritating. It was taking way too long. Some of the bystanders were getting pushy. When the light changed the crowd surged forward dragging Candy with. Her heel caught in a hole and down she went. The light decided to take that moment to change, struggling with her heel the traffic started to shoot forward. Candy’s eyes widened as a car bared down on her. Her stomach somersaulted when she flew into the air in someone’s arms and landed safely on the other side of the street. She looked into her saviors big brown eyes in shock. She stumbled once and he reached out a hand to sturdy her. “Thank you!” She stuttered. The first thing she noticed was the thick glasses under the mask. The second thing had her laughing, his costume. Harold looked hurt for a moment but covered it by saying. “ At your service ma’am I will be there or be square.” Candy stopped laughing long enough to say. “You have got to be the Green Moron.” Harold drew himself up to his full height head held high. That is the Green Moron, emphasis on the on.” Candy wiped the smile from her face. “Sorry I thought the paper was joking.” She could tell she had hurt his feelings. Before she could say another word he scooped her up and when she looked again she was at her front door. “How do you know where I live?” She said looking a round in confusion. “And how did we get here so fast?” she continued. “I am a superhero, ma‘am. I am very fast.” Harold proudly said. “But how did you know where I lived?” She repeated demandingly. “Sorry no time for questions I am needed somewhere else.” Harold said saluting her. Before she could say another word he ran off leaving dust in his wake. Candy walked into her house with the feeling that she knew this guy. Things were adding up, and they all pointed to Harold Yutz.68

Breathing out a sigh of relief as he ran from her. He hated lying to her but she was way too smart for her own good and it would only be a matter of time before she found out his secret identity. He walked into the basement and set to work finding Hoover Pickit. 69

Hoover felt like he had only lived for this moment. Attila kissed him back with as much fever as he. He thought he had died and gone to heaven. This angel felt the same way he did, he could feel it. His hand roamed down her body grazing her breast and she shivered in response. Her hands roamed down his chest to his ass and grabbed him tight pulling him to her. “Oh Hoover, do me a favor and take me like an animal! Slip your gorilla suit back on and have your way with me!” She whispered fiercely. Hoover hesitated for only a moment, he then ran back to the bedroom and dressed in the suit in record time. She reached down at the crotch ripping the seam, letting his erection spring free. He roughly pushed her to the floor. “Get on all fours.” He ordered. She shivered but obeyed. He reached out his hand lifting her tight dress. Her work tights were so erotic that Hoover almost lost it then and there. She didn’t wear underwear and he could all most see through the tights. He ran his hand over the tights ripping them with one fierce tear. She squealed and squirmed with pleasure. He rubbed her ass and with one great push entered her from behind. He had to pace himself, he felt he would blow at the slightest movement on her part. He studied her hips so she wouldn’t move then started his climb to ecstasy. They both screamed in unison with release, collapsing to the floor. He reached out taking her into his arms. She curled at his side like a contented cat. They fell asleep both with a huge grin on their faces. 70

Hours later Hoover woke hot and sweaty. He looked down seeing his deflated ego and smiled. He then remember what had conspired looking over at Attila. He woke her with a kiss. The kiss stirred his manhood into action, he was ready again and this time he took her to his bed making both the bed and her squeal again. After the fourth time, Hoover had to stop to catch his breath. Attila was insatiable. Just what he always wanted in a woman. His ex-wife was a cold fish. “We can’t stay holed up here forever. The police with find us soon.” Attila said satisfied for now after the tenth orgasm.71

“There is no way they can find this place. No one knows about it. I took great pains to hide it.” Hoover said stroking Attila the way he found she liked. Attila stopped his roaming hand for a moment looking deeply into his grey eyes. “ Even if we had to run to the ends of the earth, I’d follow you. I’ve found my prince charming.” She said letting his hand continue. In answer Hoover climbed on top of Attila and pushed his way in deep. Attila gasped but didn’t protest. She like it rough.72

“Harold when are you going to ask Candy out. If you want a wife you have to do some of the work to.” Meme said watching her son as he made himself a peanut butter sandwich. “Mother don’t get pushy please. I’ll ask her out in due time.” Harold said the peanut butter knife dripping to the floor as he turned abruptly. “But dear, your mother would like to have some grandchildren when she is still young enough to enjoy them.” Meme said sternly. “Yes mother, I realize that. But I am concerned that Candy has some suspicions about me and I don’t know if I can trust her with my secrets.” Harold said wiping up the peanut butter from the floor placing the knife in the sink. “Well Harold, the only way to trust her is to tell her and see what she does with the information.” Harold grabbed his sandwich and headed back down to the basement. He knew his mother was right as usual but just hadn’t gotten up the nerve to call her. As he settled into his spot by the computer, his phone rang. “Hello? He said. “Hello Harold this is Candy. How are you?” Harold almost choked on his bite of sandwich. “Ahm. Hello Ms Cane. I mean Candy! I am good how are you?” Harold looked around in panic trying to find a place to hide under. “Well I just wanted to call and thank your mother for the lovely supper, she gave me this number.” Candy said. “Well she gave you my number by mistake. My mother’s number is 555-6789.” Harold stuttered. “Oh.” Candy said almost sounding disappointed. “Well I am glad she did anyway. I wanted to ask if you would be interested in going to dinner with me sometime. If you aren’t too busy” Harold said a little to breathless and quick. There was a long silence on the phone and Harold thought she might have hung up. “Hello?” He inquired. “Yes I am still here. Sorry I was stunned there for a moment. I didn’t know for sure if you meant me or you were talking to someone else.” Candy said. “Yes I meant you. Why would you think I would be asking someone else?” Harold asked. “ Cause you keep running out on me every time we’re together.” Candy said a little peevishly. “Oh. Well I have to apologize, I have irritable bowel syndrome.” He said. Candy let it drop she knew he was lying. “Sure I’ll go out with you.” Candy said. She heard Harold whisper. “Yippy!” Candy smiled. “Well tell your mother thank you and call me with the details on the date. I am available pretty much after eight every day. I think I am going to take a long hot bath. Bye for now talk to you soon.” Harold stayed on the line until he hard the noise that signaled to hang up. His imagination running wild thinking of her naked in the bathtub. 73

Candy let the phone drop into the cradle with a soft click. She couldn’t image what Harold had to lie about, but she would get to the bottom of it. She was really good at getting to the bottom of things. She went to the bathroom and turned the water on. She added scented bath beads. Watching with satisfaction when it started to bubble up under the warm water. The tub filled quickly. She removed her clothes and stepped in. She sat down in the warm water with an “AHHHHH!” She didn’t realize how sleepy she was until she felt the warm drowsiness of sleep creep up on her. 74

Hoover had made the decision to keep his princess in luxury. So his next move was to hit another bank. They both mutually agreed to do the next bank job together. He found one of his older gorilla costumes and she altered it to fit her frame. As she worked she hummed to herself. She was so happy that when she pricked herself with the needle she didn’t even mind. Hoover was happy too. He finally felt he had found his soul mate. 75

There plans unfolded nicely. Hoover thought that the best idea would be to change the color of the van after each heist. Attila come up with the idea that she would wait for him in the van and drive them to safety. “Alright everyone hit the floor, if anyone touches the silent alarm one person dies for each cop the shows up.” The crowd fell to the floor. “ I want this bag filled in less then twenty seconds.” The tellers scrabbled to fill the bag. One of the customers on the floor decided to play hero. Hoover turned his shot gun on him and shot him in the leg. The guy went down screaming. “ Anyone else want to play hero?” Hoover said coldly. Everyone put their face to the floor and two women started to cry. He grabbed the money and ran out the way he came. Attila pulled up and Hoover jumped in. They heard the sirens in the back ground but they drove very carefully out and down the road. The police didn’t even see them go down the street. They were swallowed up by the traffic with in minutes.76

Harold knew that Hoover wasn’t don’t with his robbing by a long shot. If he didn’t stop him somehow he would kill someone next time. The guy that was shot at the latest bank robbery lost his leg because the shot gun had shattered the leg beyond repair. He found out where Hoover’s ex-wife lived and called her. She didn’t know where Hoover would hole up. Harold knew that the only way was to search the city from above. If he could somehow use his super powered radar he might be able to find Hoover. He over heard the police saying at the crime scene that Hoover had and accomplice. There was another gorilla in the get away van. Could that be Attila? Experts say that a kidnapped victim soon relates to the capturer. Hoover had to somehow muster the courage to fly. If he could ask a gorgeous woman like Candy out he could do anything. He donned his costume and entered his backyard. He took a couple deep breaths to steady himself and took flight. As he flew he tried not to notice how far down it was as he opened up his senses to feel Hoover. There was so many sites and sounds to filter out as he flew. He circled the city three times not getting a fix on Hoover. The only explanation he could think of was that Hoover must not be in the city. That Hoover was hiding out somewhere out in the country but close to the city. The problem was Harold had no clue as to how far out Hoover was. If he could somehow get a fix on him he would be able to find him. Frustrated he returned home downcast. Feeling like a failure and wished he had someone to confide in about how he felt. 77

Meme had made the decision, that if her son wouldn’t be more aggressive about getting Candy, she had to take matters into her own hand. “Yes, hello Herb? This is your Aunt Meme. Have you found anyone yet? Well I have a nice young lady for you to meet. No, no it isn’t a bother dear. Yes, yes she is single. She is a doctor. Why don’t you come over for supper tomorrow night. Okay I will see you about eight, bye now. Meme hung up smiling at her cunningness. Her next call was to Candy. “Yes? Candy dear? This is Meme. I would like to invite you over for supper. How would tomorrow night be? You can? That is great around eight then. I am fine dear my head ache is gone. No dear I will slip myself something before hand and I won’t get one tomorrow. He did, so when are you two going out? Oh he hasn’t set a time yet. Well maybe he will tomorrow for sure. Bye now dear I will see you at eight o’clock.” Meme smiled knowing how Harold would take this. If anything he was the most competitive person she knew. When he was a boy he wouldn’t let anyone get the best of him. Meme grabbed her recipe book and sat down at the kitchen table to get to work planning this little charade. Let the games begin. She said mirthfully to herself. 78

“What do you mean you invited Herb and Candy over mother? You know how he is when it comes to woman. He will try and get her into bed. You know that mother! Harold said all but blowing a gasket. “Well Harold dear. I figured you weren’t interested and Candy really would like to find some one too.” Meme replied. “Mother! Your meddling is going to get someone in trouble. Mainly me! Harold said testily. “Well dear, she hasn’t met him yet and you can still set a time on your date with her you know.” Meme said calmly.79

“Okay mother, I will be at this supper. You can put my plate between the two. I don’t trust Herb Thyme as far as I can pick him up and throw him.” Harold grumbled. “But dear you can left over a thousand pounds.” Meme replied. “Oh mother, sometimes you take me so literally.” Harold said. “Well dear they are going to be here tomorrow you had better go pick out an outfit. Do you need me to pick out something for you?” Meme asked innocently. “No mother I can find something suitable.” Harold said stomping down the basement steps and slamming the door.80

Herb Thyme hung the phone into the cradle with a satisfactory grin. It was about time he had another conquest to work towards. Things have been on the dry side as of late. He decided to wear something sophisticated knowing his aunt the way he did, he knew the woman he would be meeting would be drop dead gorgeous, and he needed something on his arm that complemented his looks. With his dark Mediterranean looks that was hard to come by. He prided himself on his sense of style and so enjoyed the game of conquest. Harold on the other hand was so dull and plain that Herb couldn’t see how Harold got the superhero gene and he didn’t. Herb frowning to himself thinking back when they were growing up. How jealous he was of Harold: 81

Herb remembered at an early age how his looks got all the attention. But when Harold became a teenager his geeky appearance changed. He came into his superhero powers and Herbs looks didn’t make a bit of difference anymore. The girls that use to fawn all over him started noticing Harold instead. If the truth be known Herb’s pride still stung after all these years. Harold had put him in his place a time or two with his incredible show of strength. Harold always called him conceited and shallow but Herb couldn’t see it. A lot of men spend an hour in front of a mirror three times a day. He couldn’t help it if he was handsome. 82

Candy didn’t know what to expect at the supper. Meme made it such a mystery only saying maybe Harold would set a time for their date tomorrow. Well Candy did have a sneaky suspicion that maybe Meme was doing the romantic dinner bit again with Harold and her but Candy didn’t want to get her hopes up. She chose to wear a white sleeveless sundress with gold tread embroidery. It clung to her slim curves flowing down to just above her knees. She decided on her gold sandals to complement the dress. This time she went with her hair pulled up into an elegant sweep adding a gold butterfly clip to hold it in place. Around her neck she placed a strand of perfect pearls. She swirled in front of the mirror. She then added a touch of lavender scent and a pale pink lipstick. Meme said she would have Harold pick her up. When the doorbell rang, Candy grabbed her beaded gold purse and headed to answer it.83

Candy opened the door on the third ring. Swinging the door open suddenly startling Harold. “ Hello Harold you’re early.” Candy said out of breath. Harold only stood there with his mouth open eyes as wide as humanly possible. “Wow, you are beautiful.” He managed to squeak out. Candy smiled and turned once. “ You like it, I thought you would.”84

Harold offered his hand like a gallant gentleman and candy took it stepping out of the house. When she pulled away to lock the door Harold gently took the house key and locked the door. She didn’t pull away as they walked arm and hand to the passenger side door. Harold opened it escorting her in a shutting it behind her. Candy watched him as he walked around to the drivers side. She noted his nice black dress pants and navy blue and black shirt. He cleaned up rather nicely. 85

Harold climbed into the car and rested his hand on the key in the ignition. “Before we go to my place I need to tell you something.” He said. Candy cocked her head to the side. “Oh? What?” She asked. “ My mother has invited my cousin Herb to this supper. I think it is her way of pushing me to pursue a relationship with you. I just thought you should be forewarned about what you are getting yourself into” Harold said gripping the key a little tighter. “ Well you mother only wants what is best for you. She doesn’t mean any harm.” Candy said reaching out to stay his hand. Harold took her hand and brought it to his lips. Candy’s eyes widened as butterflies played in her stomach. He then captured her chin and brought her lips to his. The kiss was light and friendly. Without warning it deepened and passion took flame. Harold broke the kiss before it got too far out of hand. His heart was beating so loud he could have swore Candy heard it. “Well I suppose we better get going my mother is expecting us right now.” Harold said turning suddenly and starting the car. As they drove Candy broke the silence. “So tell me a little about your cousin Herb. So at least I won’t go in there blind. What is he like?” Candy said.86

“He is the most conceited man I know. His purpose in life is to make a conquest of every pretty woman he meets. He is vain and very shallow.” Harold said87

“And your mother invited him hoping what?” Candy asked.88

“Well I think she wants me to make a move on you.” Harold said.89

Candy smiled and turned to hide it by looking out the window. “I think I can handle your cousin. I don’t fall for pretty words that easily. You needn‘t be worried about that Harold.” Candy said. “ I’m not worried. I know you can make a wise choice about this guy.” Harold said. They drove the rest of the way in silence. Harold reached over and turned the radio on turning the volume down low. His choice of music was impeccable, Candy couldn’t have made a better choice. 90

They pulled up to the driveway and Candy waited until Harold parked and went to her side of the car. He offered his hand and she took it stepping out of the car. They approached the door and it opened as they got there. Candy thought the man that stood there was almost breathtakingly handsome. Her heart somersaulted and stopped for one beat. The man was 6’4 with dark hair deep brown eyes and very tan. His teeth almost glowed white in his almost perfect smile. Candy strained her neck looking up into his handsome face. “You have got to be Candy, I am Herb. Herb Thyme.” Herb said his voice rich and deep. He reached out and took her hand bringing it up to his lovely lips. Candy couldn’t stop a shiver of reaction. He smiled and dimples popped out on his smooth tanned cheeks. Harold put a protective arm around Candy’s shoulder. “ Excuse us Herb, I am sure mother has supper waiting for us.” Harold said retrieving Candy’s hand. Herb stepped aside with a grand sweep of his arm. “Welcome my lady.” Herb said. Candy and Harold walked in and Herb closed the door behind them. “I thought I heard voices.” Meme said bustling out of the kitchen. “Come sit down it is ready.” She continued. “Hello Meme, it is nice to see you again.” Candy said reaching to give Meme a hug. “Well dear it is nice to see you again too.” Meme said hugging her back. As Candy and Meme wondered to the dinning room Harold stared Herb down. Giving him the message to behave himself. Herb shrugged his shoulders and followed the two women to the dinning room. Harold stood for a few minutes more wondering how he will ever win Candy now that Herb is on the scene. He breathed a big cleansing breath and followed the group in. Meme served the meal and found an excuse to be excused once more leaving the three to supper. Harold watched Candy closely for the first half of the meal and thought she seemed very infatuated with Herb. His cousin hung on Candy’s every word. As the evening progressed Harold found he was becoming more then just a little jealous of the easy banter that was developing between the two. He was so deep in his thoughts that he missed a question that was addressed his way. “So what do you think Harold?” Candy inquired. “Ah what was that I am sorry I was thinking, I missed that.” Harold stumbled out.91

“Don’t mind him Candy sweetheart, Harold gets lost in his own little world. I sometimes wonder where his mind goes when he gets that way.” Herb said his dimples appearing again. Harold frowned at Herb but couldn’t come up with a suitable retort. Candy reached her hand out and took Harold’s hand squeezing it gently. “We all have things on our minds, it is nice when we have a place to go to get away.” Candy said. Harold blushed and squeezed back. “I was telling Herb that traffic can sometimes get rather hectic in this city.” Candy repeated for Harold. Candy didn’t pull her hand away so Harold held it lightly through out the rest of the meal. Herb noticed and couldn’t quite hide the displeasure on his handsome face Harold noted. That thought pleased Harold to no end and his spirits picked up so that he was able to follow the conversation the rest of the meal. 92

The evening came to a close, and just when Harold thought he and Candy were going to get a clean get away Herb asked the dreaded question. “ So beautiful, would you like to have dinner tomorrow night, just the two of us? I so enjoyed this supper but I would love to get to know you without a third wheel. If you know what I mean. Herb said pointedly looking at Harold and back to Candy. Candy looked at Harold and smiled, “I am sorry I can’t tomorrow, I already have a date.” Herb looked startled but covered it with a smile, “Then the day after tomorrow?” “No I can’t I am starting my own business got to do some last minute paper work. Well to tell you the true I am really going to be very busy coming up here soon. How about I give you a call when I have some free time? Candy said smiling. Harold looked stunned and smiled feeling like he was floating. Herb reached into his breast pocket and handed Candy his card. “Well that would be fine too.” He said smiling showing his dimples. “It was very nice to meet you and I hope we can get better acquainted soon.” He said kissing her wrist. Harold couldn’t watch anymore. He was getting sick to his stomach as Herb all but oozed charm. He opened the front door and headed to the car. “Do you believe in love at first sight?” He whispered for Candy’s ears only. Candy leaned forward saying, “Yes, but some say love is blind.” She replied. Looking around for Harold. Herb didn’t miss the look. He frowned again. “Well it was very nice to meet you Herb and I will keep in touch. Bye now.” Candy said and followed Harold to the car. 93

As Harold waited for Candy he decided to take the doctor up on her offer to have his vision corrected. There was just no way she would look at him the same after she had met his cousin. His better looking cousin. His richer cousin. He just had to leave as his cousin tried to charm Candy. He watched as Candy came down the walk and his heart turned over in his chest. Her cheeks glowed with a blush and he thought to himself she was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. “Is that offer to fix my eyes still open?” Harold asked as she approached him. “Yes I can do that for you right away. I just got my laser equipment in yesterday. Can I ask what changed your mind about getting your eyes fixed? She said. Harold turned and opened the car door. Offering his hand he said, “I am tired of being afraid of everything.” He let it drop at that. Candy took his hand and stepped into the car. She decided not to ask for elaboration. He had his secrets and she might not like the answer he would give her. As they drove back to his place he decided that it was about time he put his trust in her. He really was tired of being afraid of everything. “Candy I have to tell you something and I would understand if you wouldn’t want to see me socially anymore.” Harold said gripping the steering wheel hard. “Okay I am listening.” Candy said looking with question at Harold. “I was born into a very unique family. Only the first born son of each of my family will inherit this gene.” Harold said holding up his hand to silence Candy. “Please let me finish. I am not sick or dieing and my children won‘t be deformed. I have superpowers if you will. For the sake of argument. I am blessed with certain gifts. I can fly though I choose not to. The fear thing again. I am very strong I can bend things. I have exceptional hearing. I can hear your heart beating now. Right now you are probably wondering if I escaped from a loony bin.” He looked away from Candy and rubbed his hands over his face covering his mouth. Candy reached out and removed his hands putting them up against her cheeks. “I know Harold. I have known from the day you rescued me from that busy street. At first I thought it was some joke. But the more I thought about it the more I liked the idea.” Harold couldn’t believe his ears. His astonishment making his eyes look even bigger. She continued, “ I don’t know where we are going from here but I need to know that you can trust me. I would never betray your secret.” Harold looked as if a great weight had been lifted from his shoulders. He reached out and hugged Candy. Then his lips touched hers. He couldn’t think of a single word to say to her. The kiss told her what she needed to know. She had fallen in love with a superhero. Harold pulled up to Candy’s house and all but ran to her side of the door. He offered his hand again and they walked hand in hand to the door. He retrieved her key and opened the door. He kissed her goodnight and turned to leave. She reached out her hand and stopped him. “You aren’t leaving are you. Would you like to stay the night?” She said her eyes sparkling with mischief. Harold thought his heart had stopped. His knees grew weak and he leaned up against the door jam. “I… I… think I would like that very much.” He said, throat suddenly dry. They walked into her house together and closed the door. 94

Harold was so nervous that he thought that if he died right now it would all be worth it. He watched as Candy removed her shoes kicking them off in her haste. She lead him to her room. She started to remove her hair and Harold stopped her gently. He then proceeded to remove her hair. Letting it tumble down her back. Bring her long hair around her shoulder she turned to let him unzip her dress. His hand shook as he grabbed the delicate zipper. The zipper refuse to budge. He pulled it a little firmer but it stayed fast. Candy reached up and tore the zipper loose. “ I won’t let a little thing like a zipper stop me from making love to you.” She said stepping out of her dress. Harold’s eyes feasted on her lovely body. She didn’t wear a bra under her sundress and he so wanted to reach out and touch her to see if she was real. She stepped forwards and grabbed his hand. “Now is not the time to be shy Harold. Take what I am offering.” She said. Harold touched her breast and his heart turned in his chest. Candy bit her lip. With her sharp intake of breath Harold almost pulled his hand away fearing he had hurt her. “Don’t pull away Harold it feels good. Haven’t you ever made love to a woman Harold?” She asked. It was Harold’s turn to bite his lip, “No I haven’t. My mother said that the first should be with the one you love.” Harold said all but mortified. He just confessed his love to her. Candy smiled. “Yes that is what my grandmother always said too.” Understanding dawned in Harold’s eyes. She loved him too. Harold touched her as if to worship her. He didn’t want to rush her drawing out the pleasure so their first time together was memorable. When he laid her on the bed he was afraid that he would do something to frighten her away. But she was as excited as him and had no intention of running away. He swallowed the huge lump in his throat as he looked at her. Her hair was draped around her like a halo in the moon’s glow. Harold undressed with paranormal speed. In a blink of an eye he was naked. Candy blinked once in amazement. Harold crawled on the bed and kissed her moist lips. He drank from them as if he was parched. Candy touched his face removing his glasses and putting them on the nightstand next to the bed. She looked at him in the bright moon light. He was so handsome that she wondered how she could have thought that Herb was so attractive. Harold had high cheek bones that were hidden by the thick glasses. His lips were made for kissing. With his glasses off he had the most intriguing eyes. When he was aroused they turned an orangish hue. Candy contemplated if maybe it was a trick of the light but didn’t dwell too long on it. Harold was kissing his way down her body and what she was thinking about flew out of her mind. He was busy licking and kissing her trying to taste every last drop of her sweet essence. When he came to the vee at the junction of her thighs she cried out. He looked up into her eyes to see if he had hurt her, but she guided his head down to her intimate pleasure. He tentatively tasted her. She tasted fresh and sweet and he took her aggressively. His tongue dove in lapping at her womanhood. It didn’t take long before she exploded in orgasm. He didn’t stop but brought her to the brink again this time getting her ready for his manhood. 95

“This is going to hurt Candy.” He said almost groaning. She shushed him with her finger and guided him to her entrance. She then drew him down and kissed him. He drove into her with one swift thrust. She gasped into his mouth but it turned to pleasure as he began to pump his muscles. He looked deeply into her eyes watching fascinated as her pupils dilated then contracted as they both came at the same time. Crying out in unison. Collapsing on the bed, Harold took her into his arms stroking her lovely hair and fell asleep.96

“Good morning Harold. How did you sleep.” Candy said smiling. Harold opened his eyes to see Candy staring into his eyes. She was all he saw. The rest of the room was fuzzy without his glasses. “I slept very well I hope my snoring didn’t keep you awake.” He muttered shyly. “ I am use to snoring. My sister sounds like a freight train. I slept with her for thirteen years. I think that is why I graduated so young. I wanted to get away from the noise.” Harold blushed and said. “Sorry.” Candy laughed mischievously. “I can handle your little snore. I can definitely get use to that.” Harold smiled. It soon faded to a look of concern. “Sorry Candy I have to go. Someone is in need of help.” Candy looked around cocking her head, “What is it? Do you hear something?” She asked. “Yes I have to go now or someone might get hurt. I will be back. I promise.” He said disappearing before she could think of anything else to ask. 97

Hoover and Attila drove holding hands. They looked like pink furry twins with their gorilla suits on. Attila let go of the drivers wheel for a moment to pull the collar loose. It was just stifling in the suit. But she refused to complain. God she is a trooper! Hoover said to himself. He squeezed her hand, and she did in return. The newspaper dubbed them the Gorilla duo. In all Hoover and Attila had robbed six banks together. They were more then set for life but they both seemed to enjoy the thrill of not getting caught. “Hoover dear I was thinking please let’s not hurt anyone anymore. Okay? That one guy you shot lost his leg. Maybe we should send him and his family something.” Attila said. Hoover looked out the window for a moment longer and then replied. “You are right. I have been feeling pretty guilty for shooting him. I just didn’t know what else to do to stop him from being a hero. It was either I shot him in the leg or he could have been a dead hero.” Harold said guilt heavy in his voice. Attila patted his hand and grabbed his hand tight again. “I know you’re a good man at heart. We all are pushed to do bad things sometimes. How about we move on to something different after this heist. We could start a new life somewhere else.” She said. Harold shook his head yes but didn’t say anything. They drove in silence all the way to the bank. 98

Attila waited in the car as Hoover took care of business, as she waited the moron from the hospital made an appearance. He noticed her and started for the car. Attila honked her horn their signal there was trouble. Hoover come running out of the bank. He just manage to get to the car and slammed into the passenger seat. “Step on it! Go! This guy is really fast we got to make a break for it!” Hoover shouted buckling his seat belt throwing the bag of money to the back of the van. Attila stepped on the gas and the car shot forward. Harold stepped in front of the speeding vehicle. Attila who was not wearing a seat belt was thrown to the steering wheel. Flying back blood poured from an open gash. Harold’s body had stopped the car dead in its track. “Attila? Attila?” Hoover said reaching out touching her face. She was barely breathing her lungs filling fast with blood. Hoover grabbed his gun and climbed out of the van. A young pregnant woman was just coming out of the bank. Hoover reached over and grabbed her. “Now what you going to do you smart ass? I have to get Attila to the hospital. If she dies so does this fat broad.” Hoover growled. The van was totaled. Harold didn’t know what to do. “You’re pretty brave for using a pregnant lady as a shield.” Harold said staring his enemy down. Hoover grabbed her tighter and shook her like an old dog with a bone. She cried out holding her stomach to protect her precious cargo. “She is only an insurance policy. When I know Attila is taken care of it’ll be just you and me moron.” Hoover said frowning. “ I’ll take her to the hospital and will be back for you.” Harold said ripping the door from the drivers side and throwing it across the parking lot. “Now you’re thinking moron and when you come back you and I’ll tango.” Hoover snarled. Harold doubted if Hoover would be there but he had to take the chance. When Harold scanned Attila’s vitals he saw that she would die if not taken now to the hospital. She had massive internal bleeding. He wasn’t sure if she would make it, even if he got her there now. He scooped her up and flew top speed to the hospital. 99

“I need a doctor now!” Harold shouted. The emergency staff looked at Harold like he had lost his mind. One nurse pointed to a gurney and Harold placed Attila on the white sheets. “She was in a car accident. You’d better call the police she is wanted for bank robbery. Keep an eye on her.” Harold shouted as he left the hospital to return to Hoover.100

Hoover, like the coward he felt, ran. His lungs burned his side had a catch and sweat poured from his face as he ran. Oh my God, Attila! I will avenge you. I swear. Like a mantra Hoover said it over and over again in his head as he ran. He clung to the bag of money he grabbed in the back of the van, like a greedy lifeline. He threw his shot gun in the nearest dumpster as he ran. The pink gorilla suit was so hot he thought he would pass out as he ran. What he didn’t know was his sweat acted like a trail of bread crumbs for Harold.101

Harold picked up on Hoover like a hound with a fresh scent. Harold followed the scent to a supermarket parking lot. There Harold was sure that Hoover had stolen a car. 102

As Hoover drove he rolled down the window and stuck his head out. The fast breeze was like heaven. He rode all the way back to his secret place to grab the rest of his cash and make a run for it. Harold could still smell Hoover’s scent even with the getaway car he knew he would be able to follow him back to the hideout.103

Harold followed the scent right up to the front door. He peeked into the front window and saw Hoover grabbing stuff and tossing it in a large duffle bag. Harold burst into the house taking Hoover by surprise. “ All right Mr. Pickit, I am placing you under arrest.” Harold stated boldly. Hoover jumped and threw the handiest object. The duffle bag flew across the room, the money making a trail as it flew. Harold saw it coming and ducked. When Harold looked again Hoover had already disappeared out the open front door running as if the hounds of hell were on his heels. Harold using his paranormal speed caught up fast. Hoover made the mistake of looking behind him, Harold tackled him. He picked Hoover up by the scruff of his collar. Hoover kicked and punched thin air. “Let me go you freak! Fight like a man. You wouldn’t be so hot if you didn’t have those superpowers.” Hoover whined struggling to get free. Harold holding on to the collar of Hoover’s gorilla costume flew him to the police station. Looking down from thirty feet in the air, Hoover whimpered, “Holy shit!” Passing out cold. “Officer. Here's Hoover Pickit. The criminal responsible for all the bank robberies. His accomplice is in the hospital.” Harold said dumping Hoover at the police officer’s feet. Hoover moaned and immediately jumped to his feet. Three officers grabbed Hoover as he tried to make a run for it. “Hey thanks Mr. what's your name?” An office called as Harold left."I am the Green Moron emphasis on the on. It is my sworn duty to up hold law and order. I'll be there or be square.” Harold beamed with that said disappeared into the sky.104

A week later, Harold dressed in his street clothes went to check on Attila’s progress. He felt so different after he had the surgery to correct his vision. He noticed that woman checked him out often but he only had eyes for Candy. She made him a new costume though he still kept his name. Candy had made a florescent green and black one but Harold couldn’t tell he was still colorblind. She had embroidered a big florescent green M on the front. He still got a lot of stares but not because he was dressed funny. When a survey was taken in the newspaper, ninety-two percent said it was quite attractive. Attila was recovering nicely with guards outside her hospital door. Harold knew with the crimes she committed with Hoover they were looking at twenty to thirty years in prison. He felt kind of sorry for Attila, you can’t help who you fall in love with. Harold felt proud that he had found such a beautiful soul in Candy. He had decided to ask her to marry him that night. His mother said she would make a very romantic dinner, and Herb isn’t invited.105