At first came only a few drops. A second later more and more started coming out and onto Tommy's head. It's been a long and tiresome day and Tommy decided to take a long hot shower. With hot water pouring over him, his mind started wandering. First, he thought about his day at the office, then, he started thinking about the next few days.1
His thoughts were so intense until a sound was heard. Tommy froze with terror. He wasn't sure if he has just heard the sound of the bathroom door closes. His first reaction was to open his eyes but he felt he couldn't. Convinced that another presence was in the room, he couldn't bring himself to opening his eyes and face the menacing truth.2
Tommy tried to concentrate and listened to any clues for the existence of another person. At first, he thought he heard someone breathes, but the room was too noisy and Tommy couldn't be sure. Was another man lurking and waiting to harm him, or was it just his imagination. Was someone breathing in the room with him, or was his mind only tricking him to believe that?3
A sharp pain struck Tommy's leg. Just a regular pain that could occur once in a while, but Tommy's mind immediately told him that he was being attacked. Tommy let out a small cry of pain and kneeled to hold his soring leg. Still unable to open his eyes because of the fear, Tommy found himself sitting curled in the shower, holding a leg.4
Some images started racing through Tommy's brain. At first, he imagined himself sitting alone in his bathroom and almost started laughing. He must be mistaken. Probably no one entered the room. But, then, another image flashed. This time, an unknown man was standing right in front of him, waiting to strike him as soon as he opens his eyes.5
Tommy couldn't bear the situation. Thinking over and over about the sound he has heard before, he couldn't help but doubt whether that sound was of the bathroom door. A second later, Tommy even doubted hearing any sound at all. 6
The water was running cold and Tommy was having a rough time. Another image ran in his brain. This time, he saw a cemetary and he saw himself walking among the graves and then stopping near a white grave. As the image progressed, Tommy slowly saw a name on the grave. It was his own.7
That last image was the last straw for Tommy. He finally decided he couldn't keep himself in this situation and has decided he could no longer escape his destiny.8
Tommy opened his eyes.
A contest entry
- Excellent writing wanted, on anything at all. by my--i u--k i.
180 points, ended February 4, 2007, 16 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Rewrite a Cliche II (BIG POINTS THIS TIME) by Kokaze.
900 points, ended February 12, 2007, 6 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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Well-written
Third sentence, first paragraph: You're switching tenses on me. Try "had been" because "has been" is present tense. Also in this paragraph, you might want to elaborate on his thoughts. We don't get to know the character the way we should.
First sentence, second paragraph: This sentence seems a bit garbled to me. You might want to change "so" with "very" or drop it altogether; but then, I'm not totally sure that's what you meant. In the last sentence, you might want to change "opening" with "open."
First sentence, third paragraph: Unless you put a comma between "concentrate" and "and listened" the two are connected, in which case it should be "and listen." Next sentence, you might want to try "someone's breath" or "someone breathing." The next sentence seems to be a question, so you need a question mark there. In the last sentence, the flow could be improved by dropping "breathing."
Second sentence, fourth paragraph: Unfortunately, Soring isn't a word. If it was, it'd be easier to express the idea, but soring is not a word.
Paragraph five, sentence four: "Probably no one entered the room" is present tense... sort of... I'm not entirely sure what the term is. Try "Probably, no one had entered the room," and you'll be fine.
Not fair! No cliffhangers! Ah, well. The shortest (good) short story ever written, also a horror story, which consisted of only three or four sentences, ends with a cliff hanger too. Well written, though you definitely could have had more details. I enjoyed this piece, which I must say, is rare with horror.
In effect: don't let the grammar errors deceive you, this is a good story. -
Really nice twist at the end
Hi Sansho;
Hello and welcome to SW! If you ever need anything just come talk to me. If you need help immediately please feel free to instant message me.
Now for your story! I think you have a good story started here. There seems to be a good theme to your story. It looks like you have a good story idea that has a lot of potential to be developed further. There does seem to be a need to use more descriptive information and detailing to help to better tell your story and give the reader more information to make the reader more excited about your story.
I think you demonstrate a natural knack for writing and your story seems to flow nicely and can be read by the reader at a nice reading pace. You should make as much use as you can of spelling and grammar software on your personal computer system to always make your stories look polished and professional and to ensure there are no spelling or grammar problems in your stories.
It is always a good idea for new members to consider writing a story to be submitted into the New Members Monthly Writing Contest. This contest is featured on the front page of the site which is seen by all members when they login to the site. While this is usually restricted to the month during which you joined, if you put in the effort to write a story for the contest and you do not meet this requirement I would be glad to make a special exception to allow you to make an entry into this contest. Just send me an instant message and I am sure we can get you into the contest.
Good work and again welcome to SW!
Paul
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