Broken Back - Ch. 11

And so I dove headlong into a black sea of the past I had struggled so long to destroy. to suck up every poisons drop and obliterate the maker - the maker of that black sea was me. if i could destroy the maker, the sea would be gone. but she was endless. with each attempt, i myself was being swallowed and destroyed by that sea. my own pool of darkness filled with dead bodies and blood that built me an empire of gold and power...and guilt. guilt so intense, i had to burn every tear away, as they were the never ending river which kept that sea full. and so the cycle went on.1

as i drove down the highway, i feared this. that monster which i had failed to destroy, facing it now in a new way. this same shaking fear made me want to cry more and fill the sea more and squash the pain more.
so i drank
i drank and i drank and i drank, constantly off-setting it with an endless inhalation of cocaine to counterset the alcohol
yes..there was blood
pain
counter-attack - morphine
more pain
another drink
another mile
and another and another and another
the knowledge of dying was no longer occupying my thoughts
nor was self-pity.
no. at this point, it was simply a matter of balance and counter-balance. keeping the machine oiled and focused ....killiing the blinding pain in my chest and stomach long enough to plan. to execute...and to achieve.
my old alma mater
my old modus operandi. ...
plan, execute and achieve.
but this wasnt the same machine i was working with 20 years ago. this machine was broken. flying down the highway with a broken back. my backbone. my power. my power had no shame, no guilt, no remorse...just unrelenting drive and a need to defeat the enemy by attrition.2

so on i went. balance and counter-balance. keeping an older machine running with a broken back by synthetic fuels it was not meant to be run on.
the same fuels that was keeping the machine was, like acid rain, dissolving it into the dust from whence it came.
and i cared not. with anger. righteous anger. focused, complete and pure.
no longer the run
the coward
the self-pitying fool that was desperately trying to destroy all remembrance that his kingdom was built on the blood of others.
blood money.
the irony over-flowed me and i just had to crack the smallest semblance of what could be called a smile as i stopped at the foot of my jet stairs.
i paused in the car and waved off my staff who knew that was always the signal i wasn't ready to get on yet.
ha..ready to get on....
ARE YOU READY TO GET IT ON MOTHER FUCKER!!! - SEMPER FI!!!, MOTHER FUCKER!!
yeah...right.
i looked down at my shaking hands, suddenly realizing i was covered in sweat. drenched.
ohhhhh. i took a deep breath, closed my eyes, popped a few morphine pills and rested my head back...and then....
tears
tears...god....how could i have done what i did. streams were flowing down this carcass of a face. something i never did before
fuck it, i always said. why should i cry.
oh, yeah...i felt it during the rise to glory
during the "glory days" when all i had was power and drive and an endless hunger for more power. straining, fighting, muscles rippling like a lion in it's youth, three days out in the desert without a meal
everyday
everyday
more and more and more and more.
until that lion, who killed and crushed and mamed the weak, the faltering, the prey of innocence, smashed into a wall so hard, that that mighty lion i was became, in an instant, a whelp
a soft,.....sad....dead-eyed, souless whelp. fuck! i'll never forget that day. damnit. fuck. fuck!!! ...and how i have tried. they use to call me the man that could never lose.
oh god..i wanted to scream in that car
pound my fists on the wheel
smash the glass
rip off the wheel
tear it to fuckiing pieces until nothing was left
and then blow the whole damn place up3

i had to stop
i had to stop
i had to stop now. right now. my heart. my heart....i grabbed for my medication...shaking violently. oh..help me..help me, god.
help me.4

"knock, knock" - Sir!....Sir....are you ok?!
"knock, knock"
my head sprang up...
and suddenly i drew in a deep breath of air as though i had been choking or had been recusitated by a medical team
yeah...ahh...yeah, yeah...i'm fine...just fell asleep, is all...as i fumbled for the window button..
i'm sorry, Sir...but we have to get into the air within the hour if we want to beat the weather.
yeah. yeah. ok...yeah..i'll be up in a minute.5

as he walked away, i was pushing my eyelids open and shaking my head.
i was ok
i'll be fine
i'll be ok
ok...ok....go...get going.6

with gasps of breath i grabbed my bags, took one last blast of coke and headed up the stairs. as the pilot said his hellos and all the usual platitudes from highly paid staff that i had been use to for so long, as though they were bowing servants, and i was some kind of king, i flopped down in my cushy leathy seat, put on my headphones, my stewardess passed me my usual triple gin martini and the chatter of the pilot to the control tower stopped as the plane begain to rev and then move slowly towards the runway. my eyes were half closed, glazed...and i felt good. i just went through hell..but now i felt good. comforted. settled. i was lucky enough to hit that perfect mix of chems and alcohol to feel nothingness. yeah...the wheels were still turning in my head, ...the order of events - the "list" being formed, but i was like that smooth rolling plane. smooth.
everything was smooth
the martini was awesome....and i just sat there with my legs up ...so comfortable, as my lolling head hung sideways while i looked out the window and enjoyed the sunset and sensations.
sunsets and sensations. hmmm.
i smiled
i turned my eyes back to the large flat panel screen in front of me and pulled the keyboard tray over.
excuse me, Sir
yeah
would you like lobster or steak for dinner
hey...let's celebrate. both for all
she smiled
and tell the pilot and co-pilot i don't mind if they have a drink or two as long as we get down alive
she covered her mouth and giggled
i remember the day i hired this little asian stewardess...who was so grateful for this job, which actual demanded so little of her time now, but she still received full (and generous) pay, as did all my "stand-by" staff. some of them hadn't heard from me in a year..or even seen me. periodically i had my accountant send out notifications of blah blah blah...just so everyone knew i was alive and some lying bullshit about business i was engaged in...da dada dada....
matter of fact...open a bottle of dom for all..you too
she giggles again
i smiled weakly at her
thankyou, sir!!
i turned back to my keyboard and entered my codes
jim wasn't online
that was fine by me. i would have pushed myself to get the update and give a few more orders...but it could wait and i just wanted to hold on to this feeling. this numb space. i was practically happy,..if you could call it that. i was entering the last war of my life and i was happy. iwas dying inside and i was happy. i was facing the biggest past demons of my life and i was happy.
i was going to watch a movie
drink
enjoy my steak and lobster...and even the happy atmosphere of my staff in the plane. might even chat it up a little with them. you know..find out how the kids are doing, shit like that...chit chat..ha.
yeah..chit chat
chit chat
chit chat
fuck.....i laughed silently inside as i had, ...what i thought, was the best lobster i'd ever had. plane food may be bad on the commercial whales, but not on my planes. nothing but the fucking best...yeah....fuckin' a ...semper fi, motherfucker...can you take it? ..snorted laugh
she looked over
i pulled down my headphones
just thinkin' about something funny
good lobster?
ohhh!! yes, Sir!! ...thankyou very much!
i smiled weakly
so...how's your family?
oh, she said with widen eyes as she turned her seat and table towards me, got up and poured me more champagne......
they're very well, sir..thankyou..she said excitedly...as though attention from me was like a master to his dog
hey, tam...stop calling me , "Sir". i smiled
she giggled
i'm your friend..you've been an excellent employee..always on time ...and come whenever you get called day or night for 7 years. i appreciate that
she started to tear up for some reason
uhmmm...Sir...oh..i mean, Timothy (loved that formal use of my name..smiled at it)...if you don't miind me saying, uhmmmm...i've been very worried about you, Sir..ah (quickly) Timothy...i..i know i don't have a place to say, Sir..but...
tim
yes. uhmm tim..yes....
it's ok, tam...slow down...i leaned over and touched her hand and said...as long as you and your family are well....i'm well....just eat and enjoy yourself tonight...don't worry about me..i'm finel.
and with that, there was an unspoken understanding between us. i took her from poverty and ruin and now she lives in a large house with her 5 children and husband....and i can't remember how many thankyou cards and flower baskets and gifts sent every year to my head office. she was one of the sweetest souls i had ever met on this earth. she always seemed to have an intuitive sense of peoples state or feelings. i think employees don't think there bosses notice these kinds of things. it's funny. life. the assumptions we make. for some reason, i liked the fact that i was totally "hidden" from tam at that moment. it was as though there was a gentle, caring friendship love floating between us and it added to this wonderful evening. what started out to be hell, was turning out nice. i knew all my staff that i would now be seen by would see the difference in me just physically and be taken back and wonder if i had spent the last year in a cancer ward or something like that. but she knew more. she knew me. i remember one night, i had her get my cocaine for me because i was in too much pain to move. she was so caring and careful and intuitively knew the privacy and trust i was giving her that moment. she could see the pain in my eyes...that night....i remember...like it was a whole lifetime ago...falling asleep with her hand on mine. she was my friend. my nurse. my protector, my confidant that night. and she never spoke a word about it from that day after. and i knew she never spoke a word about it, even to her husband or closest of friends. that's why i hired her. i had always had a sense for hiring staff that would be like unto that. they thought i was looking at their resume and credentials and thats what i cared about. no. i looked into their eyes. i wanted to know what they were like...not what they had done. and i always insisted my hr office manager found people who were in need for these types of positions. i gave them clear instructions that they were to ignore lack of experience or credentials. i would tell them age, sex, race and other certain specifics only.
tam was beautiful...a starving wife of 2 children at the time, in tokyo...i went personally to her slum. she literally lived in a tin open shack..steaming, broken metal pots over hand made fires, with whatever they could find in garbage and fish for the day. everyday a struggle. she wouldn't believe me when this rich man sat down with her, speaking her language, and offering her this job. she shook her head no for the longest time in disbelief, not understanding. but then, as she offered me her bowl of food (if you could call it that) and i bowed and she bowed, and i took a small piece of fish with the sticks from the dirty brown water...and i smiled at her and thanked her in her language. she gave me her food...her food. her only food for that day probably , to share. and when i said "delicious" you're a very good cook...she started to cover her face with her hands and cry....her two small children nestled under her arms..staring, not said a word at this white man in shiny suit....she came with me that day. i put her in a hotel. had another one of my staff take her and her children and buy them clothes the next day. she wandered around the huge hotel room in disbelief and kept asking me why...why....why....and couldn't also believe i would speak in her language. who was i , she wondered....why her?...i took her hands that night....and said....tam....trust me. i always had a power with people. a way. i don't know. i was a born leader and people would follow me. not arrogance or nasty ordering around with pride. no...something else...a way. that's all i always called it.
she then, with her head bowed and eyes looking meakly up at me, nodded over and over and bowed ..and she just began to say ...yes...yes thankyou, sir thankyou thankyou....i told her not to worry about anything i would take care of it all.....money, clothing, house....all she had to do was come to the plane in the uniform i had prepared for her when myself or one of my staff called...she even fell to her knees that night and started to cry. i was hard then...although always gentle with my staff ..but firm and hard inside...resolute..business like..but then there were certain situations that just demanded me to show more heart. i almost cried. i was saving and killing people at the same time. wow..god.....those days..7

with our meals finished, i headed to the washroom and snorted some heroine and got prepared for a little nap.
the atmosphere was so pleasant on the plane that night. i chatted some more with beautiful tam, the pilots..threw a few jokes at them....pilots love jokes for some reason...these guys had been working for me for 10 years ...same two guys....i hardly knew them..well. chrismas parties, company parties.....a little chat now and again on the plane..but..mostly very formal and distant. it was different tonight. everyone was happy. i felt like i was being welcomed back. it was a beautiful feeling...and for what was coming..i would need it.