Broken Back - Ch. 10

BROKEN BACK CH. 101

as the morning sun rose, i told her everything i could. don't know why. wasn't going to. but i did. the only thing she wouldn't know was my destination and some of the grittier details of my "plan". she couldn't know.2

as i carried on she sat there motionless...tears welling up in here eyes...and that wide-eyed wonderment that came from the revelation of this information. she ran to her room crying and i just hung my head down and sighed deeply. i wasn't going to let her see me cry. i had to be stronger than i had been in years or i wasn't going to get through this. i had arrangements to make, purchases, rooms to book, equipment. i had to focus. maybe that's what was bothering her most. the clear perception anyone would have with my delivery. cold. matter of fact. i guess the "i love you, and i didn't want to" opening got lost in the details that had followed. or maybe that was the thing that was hurting the most.
maybe
maybe
maybe
more fucking maybes than i wanted to keep counting. maybe was dangerous and - for the purposes that lay ahead...useless.3

claire
claire...open the door
nothing. so sighing deeply, i just stood at the door. i knew i could do this. i negotiated some of the biggest ipo's, money deals that needed "finesse" with questionable characters and the payoffs required. not everyone walked into board rooms, not only armed themselves, but with bodyguards. i did. i had to. i could do this. if i could smooth talk my way through some of the most tenuous, hostile situations and come out with sunshine beaming out my ass...i could do this. i could help her. normally, i wouldn't care. but with her. fuck. she had that gate open, and no matter how goddamn hard i tried to shut it to make it easier on myself, I couldn't. not entirely. but i knew i could turn it off - or atleast down, for the time needed.4

claire....listen...i, uhhh. you've got to understand. i have to do this. i have to. i'm...i'm sorry. i never should have let you in..let "us" (shaking my head) "start". you're the only natural, beautiful thing that eased my pain in years. but...being with you - suddenly, i realized i had to make this right if i could. (didn't even know if i could). that, all my worth. all my money wasn't going to mean anything if i didn't get this done.
claire?
"i know", i heard in a muffled resignation behind the door
come on, claire. it might be quick..it..it might be over in a matter of days, i don't know. i'll come right back to the hospital, i promise.
i need to be a ...better me... i need to right this wrong
i know. ...i.....(muffled sniffling)....i just...i don't want you to leave.
come on, Claire...
and i don't need a better you...and i don't think you should go back there. and maybe what is done is done...and you already have her love. (angered voice now) I LOVE YOU!!! DOESN'T THAT MATTER!!!...and MAYBE, JUST MAYBE... .....
just maybe...we have a future, tim. why can't you just come to the hospital and get the time, help and operations you need - and ...then...do this ......"thing".5

my anger was rising now, because she knew who she was and why i was going. but, fuck. love, infatuation, florence nightengale syndrome, love, whatever the fuck it was was making this....ok...ok...calm down. you've worked through more complicated situations than this. but the one big fucking pain in the ass difference is this wasn't just business - it was personal. it was way too goddamn personal - in multiple directions.
Claire...are you going to come out of the room, or am i just gonna have to leave you here like this.
i don't want to see you. i can't
fuck. now there was loud sobbing and that was definitely NOT one of the things i faced in my meetings. danger, yes. lies, bullshit, deceit, two-faced crosses, IRS scumbags, the mob, the asian overlords. but not this.6

so i stood there for a moment and thought...as much as my clouded fucking brain could think. i was already losing my clarity. later, i would remember that she actually did mean more to me than i was currently allowing myself to recognize. death will do that to you. especially death with a purpose. to be loved and hated wasn't anything new. fuck...did i ever know about being hated. did i ever know about losing love like i never had it before. that's what the last three years was all about.
running from that hate
running from that love
running...just running.
claire didn't know it at the time, but she was the catalyst. without her, i would have never stopped running and finally turn and face the beast.
her love
my love...for.....her.
two loves against one self-hate won out. and there was burning in my veins. a new heat that didn't come from coke, crack, speed, horse, ....and all the fucking drugs and alcohol in the world. it came from
love.
it came from love7

so silently and with an even and soft tone, i said
Claire...I'm going to pack a few things and make the necessary arrangements from a different location. i don't want anything tracked back to here for your safety. i'm going to order an open-ended 1st class ticket for you at the airport. you can stay as long as you want. there's ten thousand in cash under the drawer in the kitchen next to the fridge and a cell that's unable to be tracked, if you don't stay on for longer than 10 minutes. you're absolutely safe here. i'm going to have a team of guards protect the grounds at night and two boats out on the coast, monitoring. they're the best in the world. but don't let any of that worry you. this place is unknown and won't even be a consideration. anyone who may end up coming after me will no exactly where i am. i want it that way. we've talked about the rest. i only ask you keep it to yourself until you hear from me.
i'm....i'm sorry, Claire. but i won't change my mind. you can't come with me or be involved in any way.
Claire....i...i ...just wasn't expecting this.
god this was hard...i didn't think about this part. the reality that i had to say a "possible" final goodbye.
i wan't you to know. you......(fuck)
haaaaa.....you brought me back, Claire. you...you already ...saved me. whether i die or not is of no consequence now. i...i wish things were different. i wish...cause i do...
look...i'll call you, ok.?8

and all i heard was crying as i walked away from the door, headed to my room, got the key...a key i hadn't used in years, and changed the coding on the phones toa new number with a nice, big fat pay off to those necessary...erasing every record of calls from this residence since i arrived. nothing could be tracked. back. i knew she wasn't going to stay. but i had to know she was going to be safe. two teams were instructed to go ahead two times each, the whole route to the airport, an hour before she left...and a fully-armoured limo to take her. she didn't know any of this. didn't need to. i needed to. 9

and the gears were starting to work again. it was as though i could literally feel parts of my brain wake up...parts left unexercised for years. thinking two, three, four steps ahead. that was my specialty. to the know the animals and the game ahead of the pack.10

i went out to the deck to have a few more drinks and few more lines. maybe i was just stalling for time...hoping she would come out - in and amidst the multiple steps i had to take to shift this thing in to high gear.
but she didn't
she couldn't. she was just waiting for the front door to close. then she would leave too. i understood. i did. and suddenly i realized it was the only way. there wasn't anything left to be said. and she wasn't going to beg, argue and plead to make me stop or change my mind.
part of me was hurt
part of me respected her more than ever.11

but it still hurt. focus. focus. remain focused. i grabbed my things, got into the car and left.12

as i travelled down the road to my jet, i was wondering if she was on her way already. i had the teams already in place, and the moment she moved the rotating routes would start. she would be safe. she'd be ok. i was blank. i was numb. with some help, mind you...but numb. except this time with a focus. this was a forgotten state of being. something i hadn't had to do in a long time and it was bringing up alotta bad memories. i ignored those too. had to.13

tony...it's tim. i need to call in that favor
he paused...
hey, man...you're not talking about what i think you're talking about, are you?
...yeah...i am
fuck. i thought you were gone, man. the next time i expected to hear anything 'bout you was in the papers.
yeah...well...i woke up
about goddamn time.
yeah. yeah.
you sure you're up to this? it's gonna be a fuckin' war, buddy.
i know.
and it ain't gonna come cheap
when did money ever enter in to the equation?
yeah...right...i know...mr.bigtime. nobody in the world, except god himself has more cash to throw around than you, he laughed
tony
yeah
i want the seals in on this
what the fuck?!!
yeah. the seals.
are you shittin' me, man?!
no.
fuck. then you already had war planned.
fuckin' a, i did. and that's only part of it. i need you to talk to him. i need clearance.
holy fuck, man. you're callin' in past the favor, man - bigtime.
i know. but then, you know you'll be singing and dancing on your own fucking island when i'm done.
yeah, yeah...you mean if i live through it.
no. i don't want you in on the war. we were more than just "business partners". you're the last friend i have...in the old world. and i don't want you getting hurt. you or your family. and i'll make sure of that.
are you saying what i think you're saying
yeah....
hey, man. you need a side. i mean, i can get you a fuckin' army of expendables...but you're gonna need a side man.
i'm gonna send you the coded instructions. i don't want to stay on this line any longer. from now on, all comm has to be secure.
you know all my lines are secure.
tone...this has to be my framework. i don't want any deaths on your head either - so no "friends". i just want the best you know. like i said..i'll send the rest.
ahh, tim...
yeah...
are you still fucked-up, man.
yeah
fuck. that's not good
don't worry. i'm thinking clearer than i have in years. it's all laid out. you'll see when you get the code. it's new code..so i'm sending the new decryptor with it. after that, you know what to do...no traces.
hey, man...you know me.
and listen...tim
yeah
it's good to hear your voice, man. i'll take care of it all.
thanks, man. good to hear you too. be careful.
always, man...always.
i'll be in chicago in 5 hours - have everything ready.
thanks.14

and with that, i said goodbye to LA. maybe for the last time. i didn't know. all i knew - all i had on auto-run was the how, who and when. i was going to get her...no matter what i had to do. but first, i had to form an army. it was going to take a fucking army to get inside. people would die. maybe me. but i didn't care,....in a new kind of way. if i died doing this...i died doing right the biggest wrong i had done in my entire life. a wrong that was killing me anyway. i was going to do it.15

but what i couldn't get out of my head were those last sobs. those final tears. before the end, i would need those tears. that final fuel. it was like a storm that had come in un-announced and i was just riding the wave. i knew i had to grab my board and catch it...cause i highly doubted, even with all the mixed pain and emotion, one this big wouldn't come again soon enough. if she only knew. if she only knew. and for the first time in a long time, i hoped that i would live so she would. both of them.