Broken Back Ch. 9

BROKEN BACK - CH. 91

tonight, i would dream the longest, hardest fucking dream i've ever dreamt in my life. i knew it as i walked back to my room, totally unsettled. totally out of my zone. i had enough drugs in me to kill an elephant, but this - her...fuck...no elephant. real human contact brings reality fast and hard. past and present. something was going to blow soon - and i knew that no matter how far i ran, either inside or out,...it was inevitable. and it started that night...in a dream.2

i walked out on a sheet of smooth, glossy jade stone - stretching out as far as my eye could see. the jade was divided into large squares, as big as city blocks, with a path in the middle - straight as an arrow. on either side of the jade plain were mountains, which also had paths. but as it is in dreams, somehow, the one to the left had a pathway only going down. an impossibility by the very nature of a pathway or stair, yet still ...only down. the other, to the right, had a pathway going only up. and there i was, at the beginning. so, two paths lay in front of me. yet, unlike Frost, i took the one travelled by. 3

as i started down the path, i pointed at one square and a small black box sprung up. i pointed to another on the other side, and a larger box came to view faster. i began to, beyond my will, walk faster, pointing to each square and with every square, birthed a larger black box, until both sides were filled with boxes. my path was smooth, solid and firm at first - a perfect mirror to the inner feeling i had. strong. resolute. in control. then, little cracks began to appear in the pathway. i kept pointing and the big, shiny black boxes kept springing up. alleyways started appearing between them and out of one came gold...and i paused. i held it in my arms like a baby ..and i was crying tears of joy. yet, as soon as i passed the gap between the blocks, the gold was gone....and the blocks were getting larger and longer...and for some reason, i had to slow down on the parth in front of the block, almost as though a force was pulling me back.4

as i looked ahead and began to grow weary, i would see the gleam of gold from the corner of the next gap. i was barely able to lift my hands, both right and left, to point to the now massive and long squares to spring up the black boxes, and nor did i understand any longer, why i was doing it at all. the pathway increased in cracks and fissures and began to cut my feet as i plodded slowly against this force like walking against a driving wind. the glowing gold light at the far, far end of the each new and longer block would begin to fade as my course slowed...and i pushed harder. my feet bleed worse, sweat was pouring from my head - my whole body was covered...yet no longer in clothes , but naked. i became gaunt and starved. one last push effort and i reached the end of the last block in desperation to find my gold, but it was gone. then suddenly the jade sheet in front collapsed, and a dirty, blackened highway appeared in the middle of a mean, scorched, ugly dessert. the heat was unbearable, my muscles were in the most pain i had ever felt in my life...and there was some unknown burden of unbelievable pain inside of me, yet i couldn't quite define it...but so clearly would later.5

i travelled that dark road, stopping at snakes and talking with them...almost taunting them to strike. and they did. yet, instead of dying the pain went away. and as it is in the dessert highways at night, they get littered with snakes, scorpions and deadly spiders, crossing this way and that, ..hunting for prey, soon, my feet, legs and even head were beginning to be struck by bites. and with each bite, my body began to grow numb. i was fearing death, yet it did not come, although with this pain inside that never seemed to go away entirely, no matter how numb, i wanted it too more and more with each mile. i began to scream and taunt all the more and the strikes and bites increased in viciousness and intensity, until i could only see the movement in the lingering dark, yet not the strike, although it landed. and now...i was full of holes, both inside and out...and an endless stream of blood-red tears were pouring down my face. i looked behind me as i heard a distant, mocking laughter come from the black dynasty i left behind. and even from the distance, i saw what i had not seen before. the limbs sticking out from underneath those black monoliths, writhing and screaming. some moving. some not. and the jade slate was covered in blood - and one long figure stood, shining like the sun at the precipice to the dessert highway. i heard a dis-embodied voice scream STOP!!!! no!!, no!!...i beg of you!! DOOOOOON'T!!!!. i tried to reach back, turn to run and stop this figure of glorious light from stepping on to this hideous dessert highway...and the pain - that burden inside, began to rack at me from the inside like a burst ulcer.....and i simply couldn't move, i was stuck, as though in cement, as the snakes, and scorpions and spiders continued to strike and bite with ever increasing ferocity. my eyes grew blurry and my body swayed, filled both with pain and relief...and at the moment, i resigned to the blackness of the dessert road and the black monoliths faded away just as the shining figure stepped on to the road..yet faded too and was gone. and i fell to my knees and cried and cried and cried. i screamed at the top of my lungs as the laughter echoed across the dessert and the night grew black as thick as tar. i could no longer see. i could no longer feel. ...and the tears stopped. 6

panting, i fell to my side and let my body be covered in the deadly creatures and their poisonous assaults....and all faded away............yet that pain. that burden..remained..and grew.7

fuck.8

soaked in sweat, i opened my eyes to the seering pain of waking...wanting once again, to kill god for inventing sleep - filled with both nightmares and waking. every fucking day9

just waking...like a zombie10

pain with that shiver ran down from the top of my head through my whole body like a wave, with certain spots highlighted by increased intensity.11

death.12

i wish i was dead. how many fucking times have i thought that in the last 3 years. how many? 13

too many. and now i was getting it. making it happen.14

as i shut my eyes and with brutal, flesh-shredding effort, i pushed myself up on the bed.15

yet, even in the midst of this hell, it came as clear as day to me where i was and what i had in front of me. 16

my two possible roads in the woods. last night was a breaking point, and i didn't want to admit it...so my sub-conscious told me in the night.17

this time...i was going to take the road less-travelled by. no doubt, without the same dignity and uprightness of being that Frost and his followers did. 18

but i'd take it. a mongrel on the road maybe, but fuck it. every path needs a dog to piss on it. thats' life, baby.19

and suddenly i felt a little loosening of the pain...and i hadn't even taken my meds yet. prescribed or unprescribed. and i would always remember that day, until my last breath, as the day i sighed the greatest relief inside my being i ever had...and felt the warm tears flood my eyes and wash my face as i fell back on that sweat soaked bed.20

tim?21

tim?22

i heard it echo a few times and shock myself out of this odd daze i had. for a moment, pain free without anything assisting.23

uhh..yeah, yeah?24

are you ok?25

oh. claire. yeah...i'm, uh...i'm........fine. great.26

she paused at that27

rea...uhhm, oh..ok, ahh..great. uhmmm. i'm, i'm making some coffee. would you like some?28

putting my hands over my face and rubbing it, i muttered ...29

yeah,.....yeah, that'd uh, be great. thanks30

oh,..ok. i'll be in the kitchen. 31

i knew she was tentative for multiple reasons this morning. maybe she was waking up with some epiphanies of her own. or maybe just regret. i didn't know yet. kinda didn't care yet, either.32

do you need any help getting up?33

no. no. i'm fine, claire. i'll be with you in a bit34

oh, ...ok.35

as i sat back up the pain began to return, ebbing back up to full strength. but my inner core had a new drive in it...and somehow, it made me feel stronger. no fucking doubt i needed my meds still - both kinds. so, i began my morning routine. if you could call it that.36

i grabbed the bottle of scotch next to my bed and downed my meds, reached for my coke and did four or five quick lines, a few morphine pills....and i was mobile. and then it struck me. although i knew somehow, i was still bleeding inside, there was no rush to the toilet this morning. i puzzled at this, cause i couldn't remember the last time a day had passed with some blood passing too. my stomach was definitely burning and that pain i had almost constantly in my lungs and chest, right near my heart were there, as usual.