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She stared into his eyes, his smoldering brown eyes. She knew him by heart but not by name, which was still a mystery to her. The heat from the fire filled the room around them as her fingers became numb from the passion she held inside. He came closer, she could smell the stench of cigarettes upon him mixed in with the salt of the ocean air, and it was like a smoothie with everything warm and sensual. They were in a one-room apartment lit only by the fire, the sun had set and the sky now dark with specks of stars sketched across it. Alone and confused, the stranger came closer so that they were nose to nose, her breathing became rapid, and her heart nearly escaping her chest was beating faster than ever. She could feel his hands wrap around her waist, the dirt that clung to his fingertips scrapped upon her skin already smoothed with lotion. She closed her eyes as her knees gave out; she fell backwards on the bed. She watched the stranger slowly take off his shirt and the sweat that dripped off his shoulders made her breathing stop. She held her breath knowing what was coming. She had never felt this way before and the man she hardly knew was making her heart flutter like a butterfly. Nothing, not even the fire that burned slowly nor the ocean spray could make her feel anything other than the young man’s soul. She felt him inside her, she held onto the backboard of the bed as he came on top of her, his lips barely touching hers came like bullets as they touched her neck and then her forehead and then to her own lips which were open just a little so that now their lips touched and their tongues inside each other’s mouths went into a tug-a-war which lasted for 10 minutes. When he finally moved to her side, she was breathing so hard it was enough to make her blood boil. She could feel him beside her, his arms next to hers, his fingers clasped with hers. The fire now out left the room in complete darkness but the passion they both had shared could over lit the strip of Las Vegas. 2
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
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Good job! I agree with the above, it's erotic but not too, you know? It kept me interested of course. That's all that matters. Anyway, great work!
Megan -
Good write. Split it into smaller paragraphs. It keeps the interest more. Take your time, make it longer. It was an excellent start, not vulgar...more reason to stretch it out more. Overall, good job. Keep writing.
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This is really good!! It is erotic, but not graphic. A good thing to me, since it leaves more up to the imagination.
I like the various metaphors and other 'poetic' parts in this story.
Onwe thing that I think could be improved was the line spacing, try to split this up a little, as at times this was difficult for me to follow (I do have trouble with long paragraphs). Anyway, this is an excellent piece of writing. And you fully deserve an Applaud.
Lewis

