Little Timmy was an umbrella breaker. He broke them so often and so quickly that his father eventually built a weather machine to stop the rain from falling on their town. Unfortunately, living in an entirely agrarian society, this was a very unpopular move and Mr. Timmy's Dad was crucified on a scarecrow. The townspeople destroyed the machine and scattered the pieces underneath his corpse, kind of like confetti. From that day on, the field was cursed.1
Rain and umbrellas returned to the town and Timmy, unfazed, became the scourge of umbrellas once again. One family might come home to find their umbrellas in various states of undress, spines broken, and bound with duct tape. Another family might find theirs had been pureed and served in a pitcher with a little vanilla extract. And although they were upset about the umbrellas, they couldn't deny that it was a tasty recipe.2
One rainy day, a wizened old man shuffled into town under a big beautiful umbrella, the sort collectors would die for. He found his way to the town bar, where little Timmy was having his usual after-school-drink-the-bikers-under-the-table contest, and made the mistake of sitting beside Timmy and asking him to hold his umbrella and buying him another drink and pointing out a number of items in the room that could be used as weapons. It was actually quite a few mistakes.3
Timmy, drunk as he was, could still put two and two together and, more importantly, could still tear an umbrella into four pieces. And just to make sure the umbrella knew he meant business, Timmy sodomized it. For years afterward, the bar patrons would try to figure out how this was physically possible, and most of them would experiment with umbrosexuality. 4
The old man was heart broken. The umbrella was the only thing he had left from his poor wife, who died in a tragic toilet paper accident that he still blamed himself for. He raised his feeble fist and flaccidly flailed it at Timmy's face, which happened to coincide with the powerful effect of the drink he had given Timmy and knocked him out cold.5
When he came to, little Timmy was looking into the face of, you guessed it, an umbrella. A not-very-happy umbrella. He realized he was firmly duct taped to the ground, a position quite unsuited for umbrella-bashing. He quickly tried to develop telekinetic powers, but before he could, the umbrella spoke. It delivered a long, heart-wrenching and beautiful speech about Timmy's cruelty to umbrellas and the tragedy of umbrellakind, which Timmy ignored. He was busy fantasizing about umbrellacide.6
Unfortunately for Timmy, the umbrella could read his mind. Since he obviously wasn't going to change his ways, the umbrella decided it was necessary to kill him. It nobly rammed itself head first into Timmy's little throat and then opened, which pretty much destroyed Timmy's head. It's a rather gruesome picture if you imagine it. His whole neck and jaw would have to explode outwards and he'd definitely be decapitated, so most of his skull would just be sitting there in the umbrella.7
Timmy was just starting to think about how cool it must look when he woke up and realized it had only been a dream. For a few minutes he was relieved, until he realized he was slowly bleeding to death on a cross made of umbrellas next to the body of his father in the cursed field which had become an umbrella graveyard. And this time the townspeople threw real confetti. Then the skeleton umbrellas turned into zombie umbrellas and ate everyone. The end.
Author notes
You know, I'm really a happy person.
A contest entry
- Entertain me. by Token Massacre.
350 points, ended December 9, 2006, 20 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Just Enter The Contest!!! by xxRainbowDawnxx.
100 points, ended January 2, 2007, 32 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Dark Emotions by Chemical Imbalance.
525 points, ended December 24, 2006, 14 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Morbidity [well, anything really] by Dirty and Broken.
700 points, ended February 5, 2007, 15 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Give me a tragedy. by StillbornAlive.
175 points, ended July 17, 2007, 5 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - I WAS BORN... by So Strange.
410 points, ended October 10, 2007, 13 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Disturb Me In A Flash by Chemical Imbalance.
175 points, ended October 5, 2007, 7 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - NO RULES!!!!!!!!! (almost) by musical tai.
360 points, ended October 15, 27 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me I'm not crazy
Comments
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I think this was really weird, but hey, weird is something that I happen to like, because I like things that are out of the norm and stray a bit to the far right. I hope that you continue writing. I look forward to reading more of your stories, and I hope that they're at least half as weird as this one.
Keep up the good work and good luck in my contest! -
You are crazy. I have read a lot of weird stuff but a talking umbrella killing a person was a new one to me. Kudos for originality.
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I have read this before and pretty sure I know who it's by...and yes your crazy. Sorry but it's true.
See though, it's ok cuz the type of crazy that you have staked ur claim to is quite disturbing in a subtle way...and those are the most dangerous. *looks around all shiftyeyed*
Good job on this and thanks for entering the contest! -
Okay, first and foremost I laughed my ass off. It was so incredibly random that I could not stop laughing throughout all of it. Then of course there are the comments from people that made me laugh too. Such as Delfishies where her head "exploded". Okay it was just an awesome story overall even though it was completely random and normally random stories make my head hurt.
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wow
That was...the weirdest story ever. I have absolutely no idea how to comment on it. I mean, I would read a sentence and go, "wow, that's really strange and random. There's no possible way the next sentence could be any weirder."
And then his dad gets crucified for inventing a rain-stopping machine and my mind? it EXPLODED.
Awesome job. This is the most random story ever created in the history of the world. I cannot even think of another single story that could approach it.
Hehehe, he sodomized an umbrella. *laughs* -
BUMBERSHOT!
Well, nothing like a cheerful ending. A few minor corrections, however: First of all,when an umbrella reads one's mind it's UMBRELLACEPTION...when an umbrella ramms itself towards you, it's UMBRELLAKINESIS. You have to get these terms straight. If you like, you can use synonyms: BUMBERSHEPTION...or BUMBERSHOOTKNESIS! I actually understand tales like these...but too bad about poor Timmy and the rest of the casualties. You DO have a gift...but I would back off a bit on the violence. After all, opening up an unbrella in one's throat ot rear end could be bad luck.
GA -
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I admit it, you caught me. I'm not actually an expert on umbrellas, just an impostor. I thought umbrellaception was when an umbrella used birth control.
My stories have grown less violent (well, except for things like mass suicide... they're less graphic anyway), this was one of my first stories on the site, while I was still developing a "style" and wasn't really taking it seriously. Now I take my silliness very seriously, and I think it shows.
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This, my friend, was a work of art. Tell me, have you ever read The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams? If you have not, I highly recomend it for you. As much as I loved this highly creative and umbrella-licious story, it does not fulfil the position of "tragedy" at all. So sorry. Maybe next time. But it was an amazingly awsomely powerfully brilliant story.
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As a matter of fact, I have, and I love it when people compare me to him
However, I'm going to have to disagree with your denial of the tragedy here. What's more tragic than being crucified? Next you're going to tell me the bible isn't a tragedy.
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Hmmmm, I would ask what had inspired you to write this, but I think the answer would scare me! LOL
This is such a funny, yet tragic, piece! Poor Timmy, although he did deserve what he got. Umbrellas have rights too! -
Good Job.
This was reall cool, and really funny, a short but intriguing story, I don't know who I feel more sorry for, Timmy, or the Umbrellas... Keep up the great work!
Rae. -
lol
This was.... awesome to say the least.
I didn't quite like the ending that much, but the begining and the middle absolutely tickled my stomach
in a sick sort of way.
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Here are some problem points...
Unfortunately, living in an entirely agrarian society, this was a very unpopular move and Mr. Timmy's Dad was crucified on a scarecrow
He found his way to the town bar, where little Timmy was having his usual after-school-drink-the-bikers-under-the-table contest, and made the mistake of sitting beside Timmy and asking him to hold his umbrella and buying him another drink and pointing out a number of items in the room that could be used as weapons.
Ok, besides that...
THIS WAS AN AWSOME POEM!!!! Dirty and Broken, you had better put this one high up in the ranking. It was short sweet, poetic, confusing, drugging, and so RANDOM!!! YES!!! I love this writer now...
Ok, now that I have regained my self, I give it a 9/10, just because of the problems... Good luck and keep writing!!!!
beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Okay, but what are the problems? I'm glad you enjoyed it, although it wasn't a poem...
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Problems
Ok, the first one wasn't really a problem, I thought it was fucking halarious... I forgot to seperate it. But the second one, even if this is just to be random, you made this sentence waay to long.
And things don't have to be a ryhm to be a poem, I just really was typing fast
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I've read a few of your stories now and I'm really starting to wonder if you're getting your proper daily dose of prozac. Again, masterfully done. I've yet to read one of your stories that hasn't kept me enthralled.
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Umm, wow, wtf?
I like it though... -
okay, i didn't want prewritten story's but i forgot to unclick it, so if you would could you enter anouther story to relace this one?
if not, i will judge you based on this one, but i would like it better if you could write a new one.
thank you -
okaaaaayyy...
I was totally disoriented and totally disgusted about the umbrella killing the guy part...but I was highly intrigued...how weird. Oddly, though I don't necessarily read stories like this everyday, I liked this one.
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Funny but confusing! I found it quite confusing and sad when his dad died, but then you made it funny by adding that he was crucified on a scarecrow...lmao! I think that was a good thingy to do...
beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 4, dialog: 4, characters: 4.
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okay then...really wierd..not bad, just very very strange....
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this is a very different tale. you need to work with you grammar. but the title is certainly accurate compared with what you work. tres Bien!
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What grammar problems did you see? There are a couple of intentional run-on sentences, but I don't see anything else.
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Wow, he sodomized an umbrella. I'm unsure of who or what that would hurt more, the umbrella or Timmy?
Deep down are you really Timmy? Are you trying to tell the world that you have a secret sexual interest in umbreallas? Because if you are, well, I thnk that I would laugh at you.
Anyways, I like you story, it's silly (yet again).
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I'm sorry, but this story is too short for my contest. I requested that the minimal length be roughly 1500 words and this is only 600. Please either extend this story or submit another one. Thank you.
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Funny
this is a strange ,but funny story
oh by the way my hubby dismantles umbrellas
he can use their metal for wire work .
beginning: 1, language: 1, plot: 2, ending: 2, dialog: 2, characters: 1.
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Fantastically hillarious. I think i even found myself repeating umbrosexuality. Great word, should be used more often. Lookin forward to more.
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It was way hot.
I walk to work every day rain or shine. Next time I am walking to work in the rain I will remember ya story. I like him doing sodomy to the umbrella. I have heard of doing UP to the tip of one. (Uretha Play)
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Yes you are crazy but only in that way that everyone who lets there imagination do the talking is insane.
I was disappointed when he woke up and it was all a dream, it's so damn cliched that I didn't want to read what was left of the last paragraph. However I'm glad I did because you turned that cliche in to one of the most spun-out funny endings ever! It was so abrupt and by the way but really funny.
The narration reminded me of Hitchhikers Guide but the subject matter reminded me of goosebumps though thankfully it was far better then any goosebumps.
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um...ok. This was disturbing I will give you that. But I'm looking for more emotional darkness. Anyways thanks for enterting the contest and good luck!
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I think the umbrellas were quite emotional. And what's darker and more emotional than a double crucifixion?
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this was crazy and funny. and the umbrellas were pretty wierd but nice discription of the dream. And the way umbrellas ended up in a pitcher with vinilla extract that part was really funny. and the ending overall was interesting. but I think that you could add some more deatail in some parts.
beginning: 4, language: 5, plot: 3, ending: 5, dialog: 4, characters: 4.
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Detail is overrated.
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OK..... ummmmm right... lol.... Yeah I dunno what to say really... This is stranger than stranger himself... But yeah, it's pretty funny and depressing at the same time. Sounds a bit like my life really. Thanks for entering and good luck!
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Okay this has got to be the most insane, completely off the wall entry in my contest. With that said I have also got to say it is the most hilarious thing I have read today. While some details were lacking and I found the end to be a bit abrupt, I absolutely loved this story. Thank you for entering my contest. Good luck!
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Haha!!!
Crazy? I bet you are! Lol, that made me cry with laughter! Absolutly brilliant! Despite the craziness and the weirdness, that was one funny read! Finely written as if it was being serious, but the content was all here!
Lol, why umbrellas? They seem safe enough don't they? Don't they?
Good Job!
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Beware
Sure they SEEM safe enough...until you wake up one morning with your throat slit and no protection from the rain which happens to be pouring into your bedroom.
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Nice
I like the picture, and I like the story. It took me a little bit to understand how an umbrella could be a cross but then I envisioned it and then a lot of things made more sense. I like how you included vanilla extract since it is the one thing which when combined with absolutely everything, edible or not and make it the perfect food. I do wish there was more of the getting to the umbrella cross described though.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 4, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Okay I changed it a little to help you out. It's a cross made out of umbrellas. Easier to picture? I didn't want to take more time describing it because I'm making use of a super run-on sentence. Added a little more ending though. Enjoy.
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Ok now I get it
Ok you fixed the story, I understand it all most clearly now. Thanks for the clarification.
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