Best Friends Forever?

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• sarahhitch
  October 7, 2007
  
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  Okay I have copied and pasted the whole story here, I enjoyed reading this.  But there a lots of missing comas and full stops, so have shown you where they might go(where I would put them)

  Okay I really liked this story and will read more soon.

   Sarah. 

   

  Best Friends Forever?1
  
  One Day I was walking to school(.)

  (new line) “Hey Kate Lynn(,)” shouted Emily(.) 2
  
  “Oh Hey(hey,)” I said(, and then) and walked back to where she was(.)3
  
  “My Mum(mum--as she's not talking to her mother) told me that I could have a big bash sleepover(,) for my birthday and a bash party “she told (she told who?) and whats a bash party?) 4
  
  “Oh My God!(Wait)wait I can’t go ive(I've) got horse camp(.) “5
  
  “Oh…(the)stupid horse camp doesn’t matter(.) “6
  
  “It does to me(,) if I win the gold(,) I get to go to the champs(.) “7
  
  “Everyone needs to be there even you, you’re my best friend(.) “8
  
  “Well not anymore(,) “ I said sternly(.)9
  
  I walked past her and didn’t care what she wanted to say(.) 10
  
  “Kate Lynn (wait)Wait(.)”11
  
  I turned round “What?” I shouted(.) 12
  
  “I...Am...No no I’m not sorry(,)” shouted Emily(.) 13
  
  I walked into school “Hi Miss(.) Carlson(.)” 14
  
  “Morning Kate(,) I hope you win the gold next week(,)” She(she) said(,) sweetly(.) 15
  
  “Thanks(,) I hope I do too.(,)” I said laughing(.) 16
  
  Then I (made my way back to my seat) went back to my seat “Hi Mimi(,)” I said(,) smiley(smiling). 17
  
  She smiled back “Hope you win next week(.)”18
  
  “Thanks(,) want to come to my house later(?)”19
  
  “Sorry(,) I cant(,) I’ve got to go to River Island to get some (new) jeans and trainers(.) “20
  
  Emily said(,) “Are you going to wear them for my party?”21
  
  “Think not since you never invited me(.) “22
  
  I gave Emily a little nasty laugh(,) but she’s being so selfish and she never invited the sweetest girl in school.23
  
  It was Break and I was starving after doing Gym(.)

  (new line) “Hey Horse Geek(,)” shouted Peter(.)24
  
  “Hey Peter, how are you?” I said laughing 25
  
  “Good Thanks(thanks) you?”26
  
  “No(,) I had a massive fight with Emily(,) she’s being so selfish at the moment(.She) she said horse camp is stupid(.) “27
  
  “I know(, you're right, did you hear about--) she is being selfish did you hear? “28
  
  “What?”29
  
  “She has invited everyone except for her friends “said Peter(didn't get this line, she invited everyone except...?) 30
  
  “So(,) that’s what she meant (by,) that everyone would be there(,) “I said suspiciously(.) 31
  
  Then I was walking outside(.) Peter and I were still chatting(, and) then I tripped over a rock 32
  
  “Ouch!” I yelled out(.)33
  
  “Are you ok?” asked Peter(.) 34
  
  “OUCH”35
  
  “We’ve got to get her to the nurse’s office(,)” shouted Peter(.) 36
  
  I held on to Peter’s neck whilst (I hobbled to the nurse.)we moved 37
  
  When we got there he dropped me on the bed(.) 38
  
  “Hi Kate(,) what’s up?” Said(said) Nurse Anders(.) 39
  
  “I tripped over a rock and it really hurts(.) “40
  
  “Oh(,) that looks bad(.) I’ll go get an ice pack(,) “said Nurse Anders(.) 41
  
  “Thanks Peter(,) “I said appreciatively(.) 42
  
  “You are welcome(.) ””43
  
  Nurse Anders came back and put the ice pack on(.) 44
  
  “Oh I’m afraid to say it you might not be able to ride for a while(,) but you might be able to if you go to the doctors after school(,) “ Nurse said(.) 45
  
  “Yeah(,) Nurse but ive(I've) got the Expert Class next week(.) “ 46
  
  “Well(,) we’ll see(,) “ she said(.) 47
  
  “Bye(,) “ said (the) Nurse(.) 48
  
  We left and I still had the ice pack on me(.) 49
  
  “Hi Kate Lynn(,) Looks(looks) like you’ve hurt yourself(,) aww(.) “50
  
  “Shut it(,) Emily” shot Peter(.) 51
  
  Peter was Emily’s Boyfriend(.)52
  
  “What(,) I’m shocked(.) I’m your GF(write girlfriend, not GF) and you treat me that(this) way?” 53
  
  “Hey…Emily your changing a lot(,) “ I said(.) 54
  
  “Yea…and who’s coming to my party everyone… oh no I forgot your(you're) too busy with your stupid horse camp(.) “55
  
  “Yeah(,) well we’re through being bf/gf(again write boyfriend, gilfriend),) ” Shouted Peter(.) 56
  
  Emily (cried), then) Cried and ran away(.)57
  
  “Hey Peter ?”58
  
  “Do you want to watch me train later?” I asked(.)59
  
  “Sure(, but) But what about your leg ?” he said(asked.)60
  
  “Will you come with me to the doctors(? don't need with me) with me?” I said(.) 61
  
  “OK(,) I will(,)” he said(.) 62
  
  After School (Peter and I) Me and Peter went to the doctors(. I saw the Dr and he said,) and doc said “Its fine You can ride again”63
  
  “Thanks(,) Bye(.) “64
  
  We walked out and I said “ I am going to the stables want to get a cab ?”65
  
  “Yea sure(,) “ he said(.)66
  
  We got in a cab and I rode long

  beginning: 3, language: 3, plot: 3, ending: 3, dialog: 3, characters: 3.
• 
  Pray For Me
  March 17, 2007
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  Great story line. It was a rather interesting story. Good job and keep writing.
• 
  Fluffykins
  March 11, 2007
  
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  erk!

  righty then, another good storyline, but same mistakes as usual, not too serious tho i still get whats goin on so weel done u bbz keep it up =)=0=0
• 
  Token Massacre
  December 2, 2006
  
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  full stop after she was (3)
  you're missing the word me after she told (4)
  wait should be capitalized as should I've (5)
  you have punctuation missing throughout the story. I think after paragraph 9 you might want to tell why she's not her best friend anymore. Is it an over reaction? that sort of thing.
  at 23 you might wantto give an example of why she thinks she's the sweetest girl because from the way it's sounding she's not all that sweet at all, she's ignoring her friends.
  whilst is an oldfashioned word and sounds awkward in the story.
  37 also sounds incomplete
  should put a question mark after What in 53
  
  I hope you expand on this. There are a lot of missing details that could really help this story be even better than it is.
  your dialogue is well done but can use more infliction (tone) to the voices) otherwise it's a great start. Keep writing.

  
• 
  TheLittleOne-Paul
  November 20, 2006
  
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  Oh what to chose, the stables or the parting?

  Hi RoseBlack;
  
  Hello and welcome to SW! If you ever need anything just come talk to me. If you need help immediately please feel free to instant message me.
  
  Now for your story! I think you have a good story started here. There seems to be a good theme to your story. It looks like you have a good story idea that has a lot of potential to be developed further. There does seem to be a need to use more descriptive information and detailing to help to better tell your story and give the reader more information to make the reader more excited about your story.
  
  I think you demonstrate a natural knack for writing and your story seems to flow nicely and can be read by the reader at a nice reading pace. You should make as much use as you can of spelling and grammar software on your personal computer system to always make your stories look polished and professional and to ensure there are no spelling or grammar problems in your stories.
  
  It is always a good idea for new members to consider writing a story to be submitted into the New Members Monthly Writing Contest. This contest is featured on the front page of the site which is seen by all members when they login to the site. While this is usually restricted to the month during which you joined, if you put in the effort to write a story for the contest and you do not meet this requirement I would be glad to make a special exception to allow you to make an entry into this contest. Just send me an instant message and I am sure we can get you into the contest.
  
  Good work and again welcome to SW!
  
  Paul