The State of the Union

Jeff Communist was an average guy. An average guy whose name made an extremely negative political statement that he didn't necessarily agree with. He was actually a member of the Green Party, and considered changing his name to reflect that, until he realized that Green Partyers were disliked more than communists.1

Jeff had trouble meeting women. The ones that responded to his personal ads were invariably leather-clad German women (and sometimes men) who tied him to things and made it very clear that they were sadomasochistic and enjoyed the movie Deliverance. Sadly, this was Jeff's only reliable source of human interaction, and he continued to place the ads.2

One day, Sally Democracy walked into his life. Actually, it was more like she broke into his house. And killed his dog. With a large bullwhip. Sally was different from the others. For one thing, she brought five naked men with her, which made Jeff uncomfortable at first, but after a little small talk he hardly noticed. She also seemed a little more arrogant and pretentious than most, but Jeff was an introverted pushover, so he didn't mind.3

Sally ordered him to form a pyramid with the five men. Jeff was excited: this wasn't so bad compared to some of his other dates. She even gave him the place of honor on top. As he looked down from the pyramid of disgusting naked men, Jeff realized that he was in love with Sally. The men underneath him realized it too.4

Sally and Jeff continued meeting for the next two weeks, sometimes with the other men, sometimes with a goat, sometimes with several pumpkins (you don't want to know). They found a dark, depressing grotto that they both loved. There was something about the bleak desperation that they found uplifting. It was a torrid romance (or so they were told, neither knew what torrid meant) that was pretty much destined to fail miserably.5

One day, Sally Democracy left Jeff Communist to be with the goat (who, incidentally, was a member of the Independent Party and despised both of them but couldn't talk) and ran away to Cuba. Jeff was crushed, with nothing but the many, many, many scars to remind him of the intense affair. He had to think of a way to win her back.6

In a flash of inspiration, Jeff realized that committing suicide was the surest way to Sally's heart. After all the whippings, beatings, thrashings, and barbed wire mattresses, what could be a better way of showing the depth of his love? He was sure the moment he did it she would return and they would live happily ever after, only slightly inconvenienced by him being dead. After all, Sally would be okay with necrophilia.7

Right before he could complete the harikari ritual, the door burst open. It was Sally! She rushed over and stopped him with an intense kiss. Unfortunately, the kiss was only a ruse to distract him while she stole his heart. Literally this time. Like in Indiana Jones. Just ripped the sucker out of his body. But Jeff died happy and Sally really was okay with necrophilia.8

The End