Choices

"You were the one I loved, the one thing that I tried to hold onto" -Michelle Branch - Goodbye to you1

Y’know, it’s like I’m falling sometimes. I see them and I can’t help but wonder if things would have been different.2

I mean, I know they’re happy. I wouldn’t take that away for anything. But they’re happy, and it makes me think. If I had chosen differently, could that have been me? Would I be the one wrapped in his arms feeling all safe and shit?3

I miss him. It’s sad, really, because I see him everyday. It hurts too, though. More then they know. There’s one for the variety vaults that no one ever knew about. 4

I miss everything about him. Even the things I hated.  Everything turned into one big mess and I snapped. That’s where I lost him. That was my choice. 5

I know it’s gonna plague me forever, whether I made the right choice or not. If what I received was better then what I gave up.6

It was better before all this. I didn’t have the memories, but I had him. Now? Now memories are all I have to hold onto. Now he won’t even look at me without some form of hatred showing.7

That’s what I miss. I could be me around him. I didn’t have to change my words to suit him. We could talk about everything and nothing.  We could talk about how bloody last night’s massacre and whether it was he that stole Miss Duvall’s vase. We could talk about RedCast like it was the Sunday weather.8

RedCast. He should have just let me die there. Let me escape this hell I call life. The torment in my mind and heart gets too much to bear. I wish he had let me die. Bleed to death on those cold stone floors.9

That’s what falling feels like. Constantly having to turn my head, so they won’t notice my tears. And then knowing that I can’t let Zander see them either. Maybe inside I wish that one of them would notice, so I could get this done with. I don’t care if I get yelled at anymore. I just want this over.10

And then I see them now, and it reminds me that I had my chance. I had my turn. And a slap in the face for you because YOU fucked it up. Not him, not her. Me. Just a reminder that I’m just a vessel of wasted space. It chokes me, and I need to leave. Lave this room, leave this house, leave this reality. Just leave.11

So I do. The cold night air is another slap for tear streaked cheeks. I take a few calming breaths and try to sort my mind into something resembling order. I’ll never admit it outside my own mind, but I know that some part of me still loves him. Still loves him for what he did to me. And what he did for me.12

Seconds, minutes, maybe even hours pass while I’m out there. The world’s too much of a blur to keep track of, so I hardly notice it’s coming’s and going’s. I only notice the rising sun because I’m facing it. The city awakes. Their jobs begin while mine draws to a close. 13

A pair of arms snakes around my waist and pull me close to a warm body. A chin rests on my shoulder, and we both watch the orange beauty of the sunrise, neither breathing a word.14

I realise that maybe one perfect day; I may have everything I want. It’s okay. I can wait.15

Because I may not have him anymore, I gave him up in my choice, but what I do have is worth more that anything he could give me. The diamonds, gems and names that he gave me pale in comparison to what I got from my choice. 16

I know I can survive my fall, just as long as I always have this.17

“Zander…”18