Fermented pieces of trash spilled out of a greasy can. David hastily shook the can until it was empty, getting on his knees in the dewy country swail. Under the harvest moon, he feverishly searched until his fingers grasped the cell phone. "Pei Tzu?," he thought. He dialed the number from memory, listening to the short buzzing tones. David read the note given to him at the wedding which prompted him to leave. His face was covered in a cold sweat, flushing into newer shades of pale. Slightly hyperventilating, he began to walk alongside the highway, staggering but quickly resuming a fluent gait. The other line answered in an childlike voice: "you have five minutes." The phone returned to its original screen.
He dropped the Motorola, fleeing from the invisible danger. Taking rushing breaths, the cold air stung his lungs. Whether from panic or lack of exercise, his pulse increased. Pounding just below his paper chest is a pacemaker, two leads and some plastic..."batteries," he thought.
The suit he was wearing was meant for dining, dancing. But now it was his turn. His bitter breathe escaped his pained but moist lungs forming frothy white clouds. With only two minutes left, he found and hotwired a rusted white Datsun parked outside of a Long John Silvers.
It smelt of Blue Dog and old paperbags. A faded effigy of Chung Young Fat, with curled edges and no scent, swayed in the rearview mirror as he hurriedly backed out. The corners of his thin lipped mouth slightly crimped as he watched it sway. "I'm not bullet proof," he breathed.
The streets wound like coiled dragons below the mist. The pulsing stop lights blurred beyond his windshield as it began to rain. With both hands clenched on the wheel, waivering conciousness ensued.
Author notes
Inspired by the Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon soundtrack; but specifically a song on the track called "Coco" played by Yoyoma. Hope you can find the song.
A contest entry
- Tell the story behind the song by DuchessAura of Brie.
875 points, ended January 20, 2007, 5 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Comment Contructively
Comments
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Good
Some minor criticisms:
1) First paragraph is too long. Start a new one wherever there is dialogue.
2) Fluent refers to one's ability to speak a language. I think you mean fluid.
3) "...is a pacemaker" should be past-tense.
4) "But now it was his turn." I don't get this. I think you mean that his formal clothes aren't suited to running down the roadside, but I'm not sure what you mean about it being his turn. -
wow this is great! You put a lot in it! Thanks for commenting on my work, I really appreciate it!!
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intriguing
You are very good with incorporating all of the readers senses into your descriptions. None of them seem forced; they fit naturally into the action. I haven't heard this song, but I like where it took your imagination. I would like to read more about where this goes. Grammar and spelling were great. I thought I saw a typo but I can't now identify what it was. -
Thanks for entering the contest! I'm going to go see if I can find the song you mentioned... The story is good anyway. I love the way you wrote this, kind of confusing but at the same time not. Good luck!
~Aura~
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