Chapter 11
2
The heat from the day still clung in the air as a tall figure walked down the streets lost in his thoughts as he tuned out the blare of cars and voices he only heard the sound of the small breeze that rushed around him causing his light brown hair to fall in front of his eyes. If anyone could of seen his eyes they would find nothing but pain and sorrow along with an emptiness that spoke of hunger. Suddenly he stopped, a single sound coming from his lips. To the passerbys it was barely audible but to his ears it sounded like a yell. This sound that had shocked him was simply a name.3
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"Selene" the name slipped from his lips again,causing his face to twist in pain. 'I've been faithful but I don't think I can...' he stopped the last few pieces of his heart contracting in regret as his stomach growled his nose focusing in on a very sweet smell. He began looking around becoming slightly aware of the people around him as he searched for the source of the smell. Smells of cakes,chocolate and cigerettes filled his nose as his eyes scanned the people around him his gaze finally falling on a tall burnette across the street. He had to admit she was pretty. A little above average height with long curly brown hair, a well kept figure, and blue eyes. From the way she was walking they were dulled from their true shine by the bottle in her hand. A small smirk came to his lips as he continued to follow her along the sidewalk. "Amazon" he whispered softly to himself.5
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The woman continued to walk down the opposite side walk for a little bit longer before she stopped sensing someone watching her. She looked around her eyes finding a pair of green ones watching her calmly from one of the lightposts a few feet away. He seemed to stand out yet blend in with the people that moved around him. Something about him worried her yet seemed familiar so, she gave a small smile in his direction and waved him over as more of the cars sped between the two of them. She took note of his movements as he made his way nimbly through the traffic to her side. Once he'd made it safely to her side she looked up at him squinting a little to try and focus her vision. 7
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"I'm sorry to trouble you but you look familiar. Do I know you from somewhere?" she asked. The man had a smile on his face and appeared pleasant enough close up.9
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He looked down at her as if trying to place her then shook his head "No ma'am, I don't believe you do." 11
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Frowning she continued to look at him for a few moments until a dawning appeared in her eyes. "Wait, do you take philosophy with Mr. Quaker at Belmore?" 13
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He thought about it for a moment the pain in his stomach starting to get a bit more sharp before he nodded. "Yes I do, why do you ask?"15
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She smiled. "I thought you looked familiar; you sit in the fourth row behind my friend Jermina. What's your name?"17
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"James" he answered quickly it was the first name that came to his mind. He used many different types over the years to keep his motives and identity secret.19
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"Mellisa" she replied holding her hand out to shake his. She blushed slightly as he took her hand and placed a light kiss on it.21
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"A pleasure to meet you miss Mellisa." His gaze met hers as he gave a charming smile a primal spark passed between them.23
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The air around them started to get extremely muggy as a very low rumble sounded in the distance. James' smile widened a little as he raised back up. "Would you like to take a walk with me Mellisa?" He asked softly, the sweet smell around her getting stronger which caused his pain to increase. 25
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Staying still she took another drink from her bottle before nodding. "Sure, where would you like to go?" 27
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"Just around this area would be fine," he replied. "DeBose park is only a block away" The suggestion seemed to strike her interest and Mellisa agreed. They spent the next hour or so walking around and just talking. She'd told him she was going to school to be a teacher, of the silly things she'd done in high school among ther idle chatter. After a while, they were stopped by a close sounding crack. The clouds above them had turned a dark gray. 29
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Mellisa was giggling having not noticed that James had stopped. "This hangover is going to be a bitch in the morning" she muttered to herself as James caught up to her.31
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"Mellisa I think it's time to go. It looks like it's about to rain and I doubt you want to get soaked. Do you have a place to stay close by?"33
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"Where are we?" she asked looking around. He answered her question then she shook her head. 35
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"You can come to my place and use the phone if you like so you don't have to stand in the rain." he suggested. She smiled taking him up on his offer. They started in the direction of James' home.37
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James took her hand and began leading her through the streets she stumbled a little as he pulled her along. "Are you in a hurry?" she asked as she tripped over a crack in the sidewalk.39
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He nodded. "Yes, I don't want to get caught in the rain." he continued to lead them around the pain in his stomach becoming unbearable her smell starting to get to him in the worst way. After a few more minutes, he stopped between two abandoned buildings. 41
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Mellisa looked around; her vision sent her head in a spin and she was unable to tell where James had taken them. Her swaying had gotten worse once she'd finished the bottle in her hand, that had turned out to be a mixture of Jack Daniels, coke, and Vodka. "Do you live here?" she asked her words slurred together. She walked over to one of the buildings and leaded against it to try and steady herself.43
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James watched her feeling a small pang of regret as he shook his head and started to walk toward her. "I don't" he answered softly as he reached her side and tentively caressed a lock of her hair.45
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"Then where do you live?" 47
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"In your dreams, my dear," he replied as he moved closer to her and looked into her eyes. His response caused her to laugh as she held his gaze.49
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"How can you do that?" her giggling slowly stopped as she continued to look into his eyes feeling like she was being drawn into something she couldn't get out of. 51
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James leaned down a placed a soft kiss on her lips then another and another until her mind was in a fog of desire. He smiled and let his lips trail down to her neck. Her scent nearly causing him to take her right then, but he held back and moved away to look into her eyes again. He chuckled; seeing her wide eyed caused him to smile wide showing his teeth. Two long sharp fangs now visible.53
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Mellisa smirked her mind too dulled to notice the danger she was in. "What are you James?" 55
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He smiled and leaned down giving her another kiss. "A vampire, Mellisa" he let his lips move to her neck again and lightly traced the skin with his tonuge. 57
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She gave a soft moan as she turned her head and leaned back against the building. "James" she mumbled before feeling a sharp but quick bite on her neck then a soft sucking. James' voice filled her mind with sweet nothings and feelings as her body began to go limp. 59
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James growled softly against her neck as her blood hit his tonuge. The smell of it nearly intoxicating him as he continued to drink. He reached out and wrapped an arm around her waist to keep her from falling down. Once he finished she smiled at her nearly lifeless eyes and placed one last kiss on her lips. "Sweet dreams dear." He layed her body against the building and walked away as the rain began to fall.61
Author notes
Hello, this is the first chapter of Immortal. I hope you've all enjoyed it so far. Please let me know how the story is going so far. I know that my grammar isn't the greatest and would like some help on it. So any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Also please look for chapter 2 up as soon as possible. Thank you,
Rose Winter
In a list
A contest entry
- So You Think You Can Write? by La Maravilla.
1225 points, ended October 5, 2007, 50 entries
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Honorable winner
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Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 25 of 25
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very well written. i enjoyed reading this
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Nice! I enjoyed reading this very much, I'll definately have to read more. The descriptions were great, and although there were a few places that needed commas here and there (not a big deal at all) it was very well written.
Keep on writing and thanks for entering! -
This was a very good first chapter! Well done with it. I didn't much care for the dialogue, but your descriptions were amazing and place setting perfect. The first paragraph has a run-on, just break it up a bit, but other than that, i loved it! Will move on to next chapter as soon as my eyes stop burning Hard to read on a pc...haha! Well Done!
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Okay, first up........I loved this!
Your grammer is perfect, except maybe for the sentence at the beginning, you could maybe break it up a little.
Other than that, this chapter is brilliant! The imagery was flawless, and the speech between Melissa and James was very good. You managed to paint the scene very effectively
And I also like how he isn't the usual cliche vampire-he actually seems pretty happy with life in this chapter, at least-not the usual dark, brooding, storming about with a face like a wet weekend lol
Anyway, suffice to say, I really loved this chapter, and I'm definately going to read the rest as soon as I can
~Miranda xx
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You call attention to the eyes (about 12 references.) This provides opportunities for subtle desription and creative nuance but I wonder if fingers or hands can sometimes reveal what the eyes do not. I am always a bit put off by vampire stories but I believe that the genre provides latitude for a more continental flair than you have shown. You show imagination and a willingness to take risk. Keep writing.
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"Melissa" But I like the way the story is going. I'm going to check out the others.
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Ah, James is such a sexy name for a character. I love it. (continues reading
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Good.
You have an excellent imagination. Nurture it. As you yourself said, there is a bit to be desired grammatically, but that pales in comparison to the lovely picture painted by your words. With some work this story could easily be an instant hit. -
Very good
This was very good, and I only have one suggestion.
"The heat from the day still clung in the air as a tall figure walked down the streets lost in his thoughts as he tuned out the blare of cars and voices he only heard the sound of the small breeze that rushed around him causing his light brown hair to fall in front of his eyes."
^^^^You should try to add periods or commas to that so it won't seem like on big jumble. Otherwise I enjoyed it very much and I will most surely read the next one!
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I'll be sure to read more...
This is a good story, my friend. I'm not usually into vampires but i liked this. Especially the ending because it has such a good mental image of James walking away as the rain falls.
Some of the grammar is a little off, such as, "Do you live here?" she asked her words slurred together.
I might add a comma after 'asked' There were a few other places lacking commas but it's not the end of the world. That's what editors are for
Nice story <3 -
this was incrediable good..must read on!
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What everyone else said and more!
I LOVE the cliffhanger ending! I also really enjoy your style of writing. I'll definitaly be reading the next installment!
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I love this
there is only one spot i wonder about
Once he finished she smiled at her nearly lifeless eyes
Either the word at doesnt fit or it should be he smiled not she smiled -
I love reading all of these suspence type stories this time of year..you've done a wonderful job. Maybe the victim was not the one he thought...perhaps a twin..and perhaps the real person could have witnessed it..idk just some ideas for the next chapter
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dont be so modest! your spelling is wonderful and the only thing wrong with your grammer is that you sometimes forget the period before ending quotations and to capitalize the first word after.
as for the story itself... it feel strangely familiar. maybe i read before and didnt comment but i dont know why cause i love it!
'james' is a horrible name and im glad it was used only as an alias. im looking forward to getting to know the 'real' him.
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I enjoyed reading this. When I first clicked it I thought it was going to be a dull, cliche story but you tell it in a way that kept me reading and wanting more. Great work :]
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A good start to a good story. Everything was good, except for the long winding sentences at the beginning of the story. You might want to break them into smaller sentences. Punctuation was also off at some places. I enjoyed reading it, nevertheless.
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Sweeeeeeet - this is looking to be some promising stuff. Thanks 4 the reccomendation; I'll defenitely be reading more of it
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WOW!!
AWESOME WORK! I couldn't take my eyes of the screen! It was so descriptive in a way that makes me envy you, lol, jk! NICE job!
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Yeah!
I love it... Vampire stories insprire me to try to actually become something in life. You should seriously try to get this story published. No lie. I can't wait to read the rest of the story and keep on writing this AMAZING story... -
This is a really good beinning, I know that James had my attention the whole time. I can't wait to see what happens next.
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Good work. I love vampire stories. I like your writing style you give alot of details to draw your reader in and keep them there. (Happily goes to read chapter 2)
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This is great!! Vampire huh? never would have guesses, until he offered to take her to his place...then i kinda figured something was off with him. Anyway...I love it!!
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welcome to SW I hope you enjoy the site. you have a Great beginning here and I will look in from time to time to see when the next is up. If you need any need any help just ask.
Penny x x x
. Rewarded 4
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Excellent work! I definitely applaud and beg for more!! Good job. It's nice to see such marvelous writing!
. Rewarded 4
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