The sounds around me faded away as I flew into a veritable gale of sensation. Chocolate, and chocolate. I was in chocolate heaven. Above me floated a rich, bown, chocolate cloud, and the ground was covered in a carpet of chocolate flowers, interspersed with small chocolate trees. In the distance, a dark chocolate mountain dusted in white chocolate sprinkles obscured a small portion of the light brown sky. A small drop of liquid splashed onto my upper lip, and, suprised, I sampled it with my tongue. My tastebuds were instantly overwhelmed by the most perfect chocolate milk I had ever tasted. Another drop hit my left arm, and I looked around for the source of them. Then I realized, the cloud was raining chocolate milk. Chocolate milk. FROM A CLOUD! I danced, overcome with bliss, and fell into the chocolate flowers. I sampled everything, from the dirt to the chocolate trees. All of them were unique, each wonderfully chocolately. It truly was a chocolate feast. In the distance, I heard a chocolate voice calling. Wait a minute...how can a voice be chocolate? My dream shattered. The cookies were gone, eaten, demolished, destroyed, devoured, vaporised, digested...I looked around. I was back at the bowling alley. I noticed several people looking at me funny. I smiled and licked the few crumbs off of my lips.
Author notes
New Member's Contest: Choice #2
I wrote this after some excellent cookies I got from a friend.
A contest entry
- Contest: New Members Contest - October/November 2006 by SW Greeters.
275 points, ended November 25, 2006, 7 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - I'm hungry... by k3nny.
525 points, ended December 10, 2006, 7 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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mmm.. chocolate... my favorite
Now I want some of those cookies too! lol fantastic imagery here, makes me want to go to chocolate heaven myself... good luck in the contest
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First, Thank you for participating in my contest; your entry satisfies the basic criterias.
The theme of chocolate here is chocolately tasty and heavenly. This story is mostly descriptive, and it is chocolately well detailed with chocolate. As I read it, I was filled with the desire to have some chocolate and I could imagine the sensation of having chocolate in my mouth...
Except for the fact that it is a bit short, I liked this one for its simplicity and its ability to draw me to the wonderful world of chocolate...
You could add some more details too, i'd really like to read more of it!
Thank you and Good Luck! -
Lol, I can certainly see the connection between giving thanks and chocolate. Yay for chocolate and cookies. I love the way you layed out the story. While it was no surprise that it was a dreamy state, the ending was great and left me with a smile.
I like the energy of the piece. It could be felt during reading and I quite joined into the excitement.
Have any of those cookies left?
Best of luck in the contest and welcome to StoryWritebeginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 5, dialog: 3, characters: 3.
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wonderful
I really liked this one!! It was all so tasty! lol. You've done very well and the best of luck to you in the contest
Kari
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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I like the story because I'm a chocolate addict. As for the contest I'm finding it a little vague on how it connects to the idea behind it. Perhaps with more details about why you're thankful for it instead of how they taste would make it more clear. Good luck in the contest (If you're able to write something like this I'd like you to take a look at my contest about "Convince me" I think you've got the right idea for that contest as well.
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Good scene setting
Good scene setting
Your contest entry for the most part meets the criteria set down for the entrance requirements.
You wrote and entered a story about being thankful about something. In your particular case the wonder gift of some fantastic chocolate chip cookies from a friend. Although I had to gleam this fact from your author’s notes rather than read it in your story, something your reader would not be privy to. Keep in mind for your future contest admissions, that most contests are set-up with specific areas that the host of the contest is trying to encourage the development of and if your submission does not at least appear to meet these requirements you may get bounced from the contest. Take this opportunity to consider reading the SW Greeters Group Information column on Contests for further guidance and participation in contests on the site.
Now let me give you some of my own personal impressions on your story.
It would appear that what you have developed so far would make a good opening for a scene in a chapter. There is evidence of some strong talents at scene descriptions demonstrated in this piece. The use of descriptive words and phrases seems natural. The sense that the reader is truly in some sort of chocolate land paradise comes across very well. You have demonstrated a talent for one of the central writing components of becoming a successful writer, the descriptive element.
It would also appear that if your desire is to craft what you have developed so far into a fully developed story that there are other elements of the craft which you will have to bring to bear. You will now have to develop a Story Idea or Theme to give this scene a sense of purpose. You will have to develop a story Plot to give this scene a needed sense of Action and Conflict that will tell the reader your story. Doing this will present you with an opportunity to use and learn a number of the other major writing components of the craft and set you down the road to becoming a good writer.
Paul
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