As Dead As Love (Contest Story for Allpoetry)

"You know if you try it again you're still not going to get away." Those are the words that kept running around in my head. I didn't know what to say to that. I just walked off, ignoring the bastard who said it. I don't care what you think, I don't care what you do, and I don't care about anything you stand for. But, at the same time, I do. I don't want you to invade my life anymore; I don't want you to keep saying how much you love me. This can't work out. I'm spent and worn out. I don't know what's right or wrong anymore, but I do know that you aren't good for me. All those nights I spent alone, and all those nights we spent having sex. What happened to that innocent high school sweetheart love? We were the couple everyone thought wouldn't last, and we proved them wrong. We were the couple everyone wanted to be like, but no one could get close to it. What happened? Where did we go wrong?1

It took a while for us to even notice we liked each other, or that we knew each other existed. We never really talked, and we hardly acknowledged each other. But all it took was a simple phone call and we automatically clicked. Who knew that talking about a project would lead us to where are now.2

-"So, how have you been?"3

"I've been better, but I'm dealing. You?"4

-"Oh I'm fine. I was just noticing, though, that we never talk at school. Or at all really."5

"Yeah, I noticed that too. I feel kinda bad when I pass you by and just say hi to your friends."6

-"I feel bad when I do that to you too. I'm sorry."7

"No, no, please, don't be."8

-"Hey, maybe we should start talking a little more. Uh-I mean, like, even just saying hi, or something"9

He began to get really nervous, I could tell. "Sure, I wouldn't mind that at all."10

It seemed way too good to be true. It was way too good to be true.11

We see each other at school the next day. We passed each other by, waving and saying "Hi" to each other, not really slowing down or anything. My heart was pounding so hard I might as well have been vibrating all over. I didn't think he was serious, but who am I kidding, he seemed like a nice guy, why knock the idea.12

A few days passed and we were talking like normal friends. We kept calling each other and missing each other’s calls, but we finally had our chances to talk to each other. He would always sound sort of nervous whenever we talked about crushes we had, people we liked, people he dated (I still hadn't had a boyfriend), and anything of that sort. If only he knew how fast my heart was racing, and how many different ways I wanted to scream out "I like you." He said it first though. It made it sort of awkward, but we just said our goodnights after a few minutes. That night, I couldn't fall asleep. I kept tossing, turning, and thinking about him. It wasn't easy for me to tell people I like them. But he liked me back. We liked each other. I never saw it coming. I mean, I saw the signs, but I never thought it would actually happen.13

It took us both a while to find the time, but we were finally able to hang out with each other after school one day. We just sat in front of school and listened to music. He tried to kiss me on the lips, but I turned my head. See, I didn't want my first kiss to be from someone I wasn't dating. I was so innocent that even that was a big deal for me. Then my favorite song came on, and I started singing along to it. He joined me. Then he stopped. I asked him "What's wrong?” He stayed silent until the second chorus came on.14

-"I figure I should ask you something, I just don't know if I should."15

"Is it something bad?"16

-"No, at least I don't think so."17

"Then what harm could it do?"18

-"I guess I should ask you sooner or later..."19

"Well, I think it's better sooner than later. Don't you think?"20

-"Yeah...well..."21

"Yes...?"22

-"Will you be my girlfriend?"23

My heart practically jumped out of my chest to leave me bleeding to death. So many thoughts ran through my head within the 2 seconds it took me to actually say anything. I didn't expect it. Not so soon. I wanted to get to know him better, but why waste such a perfect opportunity to be with someone I could be happy with? I said yes, and we kissed. It was the most magical thing I've ever felt (more magical than Disneyland on speed).24

Over the next few months, we got to know each other a lot better than I expected. We told each other practically everything. And I mean everything you could ever possibly think of. We also had a few sexual encounters. I wasn't experienced at all at anything having to do with sex, but (even though he was a virgin) he has had a few encounters before ours. We never really had that chance to be alone, but we found ways to get around it. We would sit in front of the school a lot, just holding each other and kissing a lot. We went to a few movies, and they were usually movies no one really wanted to see. They were usually near empty, so we always that sort of privacy where if you stay quiet enough no one will even know you're sitting there, let alone doing anything. He slipped his hand up my shirt a few times, which was something I wasn't used to. It took me a while for me to let him do that stuff. I guess being busty was one of the things he liked in girls. He wasn't shallow, though, I knew that much. He would lift up my shirt (or pull it down, depending on what I was wearing), and he would suck on my breasts like a baby wanting milk. It felt so good. I never felt that feeling before. It was indescribable. He would put his hand between my legs a lot too, and rub around. It was a really different sensation than what I expected it to be. You hear about it all the time in the movies and in books, but you never know what they're talking about until it happens. And even then, you don't know how to explain the feeling.25

He wasn't the only one to do anything, though. After the first two months, I hadn't really tried anything. But one time, we watched that movie "The Illusionist", and there was only one other couple in the entire theater, and they we all the way in the front. We stayed in the back, where it was nice and dark. It started out the usual, him reaching up my shirt, us making out, etcetera. But I wanted to change the pace. I wanted to do something for him. I stopped kissing him and I moved his hand from my breasts. He looked sort of confused. I took my hand started rubbing it on his inner thigh. All he did was sit back and I went to work. I unzipped his pants and pulled them to half mass. I had always heard from the other girls that he had a huge penis. It was big, but not huge. I couldn't care less, though. I started rubbing, and he let out a silent moan (you know, the kind where he takes in a deep breath and he just sighs, trying not let out the huge moan that's really there). I leaned over and put my mouth on it. He looked sort of surprised, but he never said anything. I gave him what he called "the best blowjob I've had in my life".26

After that, though, nothing was ever the same. Six more months pass and it's practically the end of our junior year. I can't count the number of time we had sex, although I do remember the first time. It wasn't anything really too special, but it was still something really important to both of us, since we were both virgins. It only took us four months to do it. I wished we would have waited longer, but I couldn't help it. Teenage hormones are evil, you know? We were at my house and we were watching a movie in my room. My mom had left, saying she would be back in a couple hours. She trusted that I wouldn't do anything, since she didn't know that had even kissed yet. I'm sure she assumed it, but that's about all she did assume. She left, and we were quick to removing our clothes. He pulled out a condom and I just looked at him, saying, "What the hell are you gunna use that for?" I knew what a condom was, but I didn't expect him to just be carrying it around. He opened up the package and slipped it on. I just sat back, hoping that I wouldn't regret doing this.27

It lasted an hour, with only 10 minutes of foreplay. It was the best thing I've ever felt and done in my life. It hurt at first, but that pain turned into well-deserved pleasure. But it just made the relationship go wrong. We ended up ditching classes a lot, and finding some place to have sex again. A couple of time it happened at school. I wanted to say no each time, but I couldn't. I didn't want him to feel like something was wrong with me, and I just couldn't resist.28

By the end of the school year, everyone at school knew what was going on. We couldn't deny it any longer. But I didn't care, I was with the man I loved and that's all that mattered. Love. That happened early, for both of us. At least that what I thought. We said I love you only a month in, and it hasn't changed for the whole 9 months. But it was about to.29

It was mid May, and we were at my house again. We were about to get into it until he said, "I love you, but I have something to tell you." The second he said that, I wanted to die, right there. The way he said it, I knew it wasn't anything good. It was always something good, even if it wasn't great. But not this time. It wasn't good at all. See, he had been cheating on me, with a girl from a different school for 3 months. I asked him, "What the fuck did I do? Why did you do this?" All he had to say was that it got boring. The same old thing for the past four months. He got fed up and found a sophomore at another school to make things more interesting. I had no clue. I was about flip out. I put all my clothes back on and I yelled at him to get out. He did. He didn't even look sad when he said it either. He looked completely fine, even as he walked out.30

The next day, I walked up to him at school and pulled him aside. I told him, "I don't want to be with you anymore. Take back everything you gave me, I don't even want to be around you anymore." But all he said was, "Too bad". He took me by the waste and whispered in my ear, "If you ever think I'm gunna let you go that easily, you're sadly mistaken. I'll make you regret everything that ever happened, especially trying to leave me. You'll look like the biggest slut at school, and you're parents will find out what you've been doing. And I'm sure you don't want that to happen."31

I had no idea what to do. I tried breaking up with him so many times, but he just kept telling me the same thing. I even tried cheating on him, but I just didn't have it in me. Every time I got close to cheating on him, I just couldn't go through with it, I would always pull out at the last second. Almost a month passed, and we only had a few days left in school. There was only one thing I had left to do, and it was a sure way of getting away from him, forever.32

I got to school, and walked up to him again. It wasn't anything unusual, except this time, I was happy. I leaned over and whispered in his ear, "I love you." He took me and held me in his arms, thinking he had finally won be back and had me in the palm of his hand. Too bad for him, he didn't know what I had stowed away in my closet, waiting to come out.33

School let out, and we went back to my house. I laid him out on my bed and he took his clothes off. I took clothes off to, but went into my closet and pulled out a new toy. No, not a toy, a gun. I held it out and said, "How would you feel if I told you I wanted to kill you, and then pointed a gun at your head, loaded as much as it can be, with the safety turned off, and my finger on the trigger?" He began to squirm, trying to his clothes back on. I put the gun up to his throat, and I said, "I love you, but I can't stand to let you live on doing this to me." I took the gun a put it to his head. He let out a soft, "I'm sorry" and the only thing I could say to that was, "Too late." I pulled that trigger 5 times, twice to his head, thrice to his heart. The look on his face was priceless. I took the gun and put it to my head, saying to myself, "I'm as dead as the love we had anyways."34

*Bang*