Jenna wasn't your typical girl, she wasn't even a typical person in any sense of the word typical. She was a mess, both in life and in her own mind. The kids at school taunted her relentlessly, calling her a whore and a slut, unimaginable things would spill out of their mouths directed at her. It was no wonder she had tried to kill herself three times by the age of 13.1
The first time was the day after her father opened her bedroom door at night and snuck in, thinking she was asleep. He made his way to the side of her bed and slipped his hand under the comforter. You can imagine the rest, she pretended to be asleep through it, the darkness hid her tears. As time went on he became more and more bold in his actions, thankfully he hadn't raped her yet.2
Anyway that day she wrote a suicide letter, made a makeshift noose out of one of his belts, he was a fat man it wasn't hard. She nailed the end to the ceiling of her room while standing on the edge of her four-post bed, while her parents were both at work. When she jumped the nail pulled out of the ceiling and she hit her head on her desk, blacking out.3
Her mom was the first one home and found her on the ground, belt around her neck and a gaping head wound. She called 911, and as if the hospital wasn't enough, after receiving 10 stitches to the forehead, she was admitted to the psychiatric ward for attempting to kill herself.4
Jenna spent a full week in the ward before they let her see her parents. They didn't find out about what her father had done, Jenna was too embarassed; so seeing him made things worse. Seeing her mother helped, it made her feel safe and protected, and she sighed with relief when her dad stepped out of the room to get coffee. After another week she learned the right answers to allow her to leave the ward.5
The second time Jenna attempted to commit suicide she did so with a razor broken out of a plastic disposable shaver. She locked the bathroom door and for the same reasons as before she cut her wrist. When the cut stopped bleeding she cut a symetrical line next to it. When that stopped a new one next to the second. She continued, three was the charm so they said, maybe a fourth, five has to be the magic number, she finally stopped at 7. Her arm throbbing and not dead she flushed the razor and pulled her sleeve down over the cuts, thankfully it was winter and vacation from school so she wouldn't have to change into gym clothes. The long sleeves hid her arm through the winter and by spring her slashes had healed over nicely, barely visable for a quick glance, which is all anyone would give her.6
Then she met Tim. He was a transfer student, new to her class and shy. They shared all of their classes and eventually he sat next to her in one, then a second, until he was sitting by her in every class over the course of a month. It was obvious that he liked her, in a cute, shy sort of way.7
Just before summer vacation he asked Jenna out, she blushed and accepted. They went on a date that weekend to the movies. They held hands, he put his arm around her, they kissed, it was the perfect first date, and her first kiss too, she would remember it forever.8
When she got home that night her father was the only one home. He asked how her date was, she shyly answered that it was fine and started to run toward her room. He caught her and asked how far they went, as if that were any of his business, maybe a normal parent's but not her father's. She ignored him and continued to walk toward her room, he grabbed her by the arm, hard enough to leave bruises.9
"How far did he get!?" He asked again, staring her dead in the eye as though he had never done anything to her.10
"We kissed! Are you happy!?" She screamed at him. He slapped her acrossed the face for screaming at him then threw her to the floor.11
"That's it? You're lying! You're a little whore and you know it!" He threw her to the ground and stuffed his thick hand down her pants, "I bet he did this to you, made you wet, I can feel it, you damned liar!" Jenna managed to pull his arm away and ran as fast as she could to her room, back against the door until she could shove her dresser infront of it, his arm just pushing through the door as she managed to brace the dresser with her bed. Her father was stronger than her but wasn't strong enough to push both the dresser and her bed away. Jenna was smarter than him though, she pushed the bed hard against the dresser, wedging his fat arm in the opening of the door. He was stuck and she called 911 this time.12
The police came and arrested him, her mother supported her as she pressed charges against him. She told the police all that had happened while she was pretending to be asleep and that night when she got home and he went berserk. He was only sentenced to four years and only served two because he was on good behavior.13
Jenna didn't see or speak to him the entire time he was in prison, but he called her the day he got out. He told her all of the horrible things he had planned on doing to her those two years he was locked up. Jenna slammed the phone down and determined to stop him downed all of the pills she could find in the medicine cabinet.14
Again her mother found her and took her to the hospital. Again she was admitted to the psychiatric ward, but this time she knew the right answers to get out and only stayed three days, in that time her mother filed a restraining order against her father. Everything would be ok.15
Everything was fine but Tim, the trial had made local news and after finding out she was 'damaged' Tim wanted nothing to do with her. She cried for two and a half hours after the phone call to his house when he told her, and off and on for a month. The news spreads and no one would believe she hadn't slept with Tim. Tim was treated like a hero for losing his virginity at 13, while she was casted out from the popular crowd and called those names.16
Highschool, in a small town, news travels fast and lasts forever in highschool. When Jenna was a senior the new freshmen would already know who Jenna was and what she was to everyone that mattered. She had no friends she was doomed, she could only believe that life after highschool would be the same. Maybe she could get out of the small town where she was born.17
She had always pictured getting married and settling down on the block she grew up. Her children would play with the children of her friends from school, she would grow old and see her grand-children born in this town. All of that was lost now, she could never have what she had dreamed about for so long. 18
Her mom had a gun for protection, in the night stand by her bed, with a box of shells next to it. Jenna was with her mom when she learned how to load and fire it. The next day at school Jenna was ready, small town, smaller classes, she could get almost everyone at once, almost.19
Jenna walked to the front of the class with her hand stuffed into her bookbag just after the bell rang. She pulled out the gun and held it to her head infront of everyone.20
"Mrs. Jacobs, you can leave, get the whole class in here or I'll blow my brains out..." Mrs. Jacobs tried to talk Jenna out of it, thinking it was a joke at first, but then seeing it wasn't and not being able to reason with her she left. A half hour passed and no one new came, everyone in the class was too afraid to move, then a voice came on over the loud speaker.21
"Jenna it's your mother, put down the gun, the police are here they won't let me come in," Jenna ordered Tim to stand up and come closer, pointing the gun at him.22
"Tell them the truth! Tell them we never fucked!" He turned and started to talk, "oh nevermind.." She shot him once in the groin waved the gun around at everyone then put it on her teacher's desk and walked out.23
Jenna was sentenced to seven years for aggravated assault and attempted murder, she served 5 years and was parolled for good behavior.24
When she was released she moved from the small town she had grown up in, after recieving death threats from Tim over the phone. The local sheriff wouldn't help her any, he had grown up with Tim's dad. She started a life from scratch in a big city where no one knew her or her past. Small town life wasn't all it was cracked up to be, she would have never been accepted there again.25
In the big city she met a man who accepted her, he stayed with her and comforted her after learning her past. Jenna stayed in touch with her mother until she took her father back, since then she wanted nothing to do with her. She grew up and had kids in the big city. They went to school and she grew old, she had found peace at last.
A contest entry
- Excellent writing wanted, on anything at all. by my--i u--k i.
180 points, ended February 4, 2007, 16 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Basicly anything as long as it fallows the rules by Loonamist.
300 points, ended January 7, 2007, 11 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - I want A Teen Story! by Near.
250 points, ended January 6, 2007, 18 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 25 of 25
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Great. It started out kinda sad but had a happy ending.This realy is good.
Angel
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I loved it, you did an awesome job!
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this story is amazing except the ending
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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amazing
this story is amazing ths should win 1rst prizebeginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Hmmm I've read this before...but I don't know when. Oh well very good and well written.
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Thanks for sharing your story with us Gothius.
Being a father of girls myself I can't comprehend what makes a man do that to his children.
If it was my story (which of course it isn't) I think it would be him that the gun was turned on.
GoNE
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6- 7 (seven)
I do like the basics of your story. I wish that there would have been a little more detail of her rape, and the city. Otherwise, it was pretty good.
Thanks, and good luck in my contest! -
Scores high for contest content requirements
Thank you for taking the time and for investing the effort to write a story for the submission into my contest.
Your story touches upon such a wide range of causes and effects of abuse that most times get overlooked when discussing the impacts of abuse upon its victims.
The betrayal of trust by persons charged with the protection of abuse victims is such a common factor in most cases of abuse. This story does a very good job of clearly demonstrating this issue and the varying forms it can take in impacting the lives of abuse victims.
This story does an excellent job of demonstrating how the victim of abuse can often become portrayed as the perpetrator of the abuse when the abuse unfolds in a small enclosed environment such as a small tightly based community.
This story presents a very good picture of the sense of closure and future hope for a decent life, despite the abuse, by portraying through its ending the main characters ability to overcome the abuse and go on to find happiness in life.
While there are technical issues on form/style/construction the storyline meets and exceeds the expectations for the
contest content requirements.
Paul
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Very engrossing
The story kept my attention all the way through. I loved it. The story ended so abruptly though. I would love to see the classroom scene at the end played out more. Your writing style would do it justice. You did a really good job. marks
beginning: 5, language: 4, plot: 5, ending: 4, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Wow... How touching...
I pity her for her father... And such a mean kid... This actually touched me, the big toughie I am. Excellent writing!
beginning: 4, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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sad sad sad
but I love it anyways.
beginning: 3, plot: 4, ending: 5, characters: 3.
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Like I already said, this was good, and I liked the way you described the emotions in it. Thanks for entering, and good luck in the contest!
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Same as i said before!
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This is good, very effective and ideal for a teenage audience, thankyou so much for entering, i haven't made any decisions yet but best of luck all the same
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Dark, depressing, emotional, decent, happy ending
The story itself is good, however the writing needs some mechanical improvement. Unnecessary commas are semi frequent and in a few places there seemed to be missing words, or two sentences jammed together with no punctuation.
To me it seems as though this is written in a form that, instead of being a story, is more of an informative paper. If you want to make it really good, change the perspective of the storyteller to perhaps 3rd or 1st person and add a large amount of sensory detail, giving the story tone and emotion, rather than simply telling what happened. At the moment, even though the story is interesting, the writing does not pull the reader in. The way words are used and played with inside of the paragraphs should make the reader want to continue, providing interest in the words used to tell the story, not just the story told.
I hope this was all taken as being constructive and kind critiquing, for it was certainly intended that way. You're a good writer but, like all writers, your work needs polishing.
Have a good day. -
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Excellant Critiquing Skills
Hi Mordauk;
I would like to address my comments not to the contest or to the story you chose to read but to the review/critique you gave on this particular story.
You gave and EXCELLANT critique here. Your critique was insightful, helpful, informative, and useful in helping the author improve upon their work and their skills as a writer.
Your presentation and delivery of your critiquing points was done in a very diplomatic and skillful manner intended to be received in a helpful way by the author of the work.
VERY WELL DONE CRITIQUE.
Paul
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Ah, I felt that one. You lost the feel a bit at the end, so maybe it would be good to work on that a bit more, but yeah, it was really powerful for me, I hated that Dad. Good work!
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This is a very interesting story. Why the mother stayed and didn't move is a little confusing as why she wasn't gotten help for it.
I got a little confused at the part where everyone was saying she slept with this "Tim" person I'm not sure how that would have come out anyway unless he started it.
Also as a minor she wouldn't have gotten that much time. Other than that it's an interesting idea for a story and the detailing is well done. Good luck in the contest. -
Very interesting... Not sure it's that easy to get a gun into school but it is a story for a reason.Anyway this is quite good!
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Oh wow, this was really good. I think that you should write more to it. Just saying what she did when she got out of juvy/ jail wherever she was. Good Job.
beginning: 5, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 3, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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I liked this. powerful, but short. The only thing I would suggest would be to add more detail in the ending. LIke, how does she feel in the classroom? How are the other kids looking at her? Apart from that, I think it's really good, and I wish you all the luck in your future writings.
Omega-X
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Teen years have always been difficult, but it's so much harder for kids today than ever. Your story very well illustrates what abuse and betrayal can do to a young person. Your story is really very well told. Great job! Patricia
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this was a very powerful story. It made me feel something and that's a rare occasion .
There are a few things you should fix. One is your sentence structure. You use commas way to much and should be using periods and semi colons instead. If you want some help with this, I will be glad to help. Just let me know.
But otherwise, I really did love this story. I liked how you showed someone considered a "Criminal" just a person who was abused in her past. And you also introduced the idea that crime is a cycle that runs in families, often because of abuse.
kudos.
julia
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wow, this was really really good. it was sooooo sad too, but still good and touching. sometimes its hard to imagine the author who writes it but good job anyway and keep writing.
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your right sorry, the ending could be better. you could try her tormenting them for a little longer, and her trying to explain why she is doing this to them. yelling at the top of her lungs, demanding she know why they dont like her ect. up to you though.
ok:- I just read it again and a much better ending! well done!
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