From Princess to Queen

This story contains some harsh language, violence and a minor (not even 1/3) amount of sexual images.  Just be warned...1

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When I was six my father died of lung cancer.  He was diagnosed when I was three and spent the three years in between fighting for his life via surgery and chemo.  I never really knew him and the only memory of him that I have that I know isn’t a fantasized version of what any little girl dreams of, is the one of the two of us sitting in the back yard feeding the ducks two weeks before he died.  He was in his blue terry cloth robe and soft soled shoes because his feet were too swollen to wear anything else.  I sat beside him in jeans and a Smurfette T-shirt.  My hair was in twenty or so little pigtails that made music as their barrettes collided on my head.  He wore a black and blue knitted cap that hid the fact that he was bald thanks to the chemo.3

Together, father and daughter, we fed the ducks.  I had been warned by my mother to touch him as little as possible because he was very fragile and I could hurt him, but it seemed he couldn’t stand the thought of not touching me.  So he moved closer as he chatted and made up silly names for the ducks.  Eventually I was sitting on his lap and he turned my face to his.  His caramel skin appeared to be baby soft even as it looked as though it was sagging right off his aging illness beaten face.  The main focal point was his eyes.  His eyes were so dark that in the light they appeared to be obsidian, his pupils nearly indistinguishable to me.  In his eyes, even at six, I could see all of his pain and all of his love for me.  This was my daddy and his gaze brought me so much comfort.4

“You are my Princess you know that right?” He asked his lips forming a small smile.  I shook my head yes causing the music of my hair to begin again. “I love you.  There isn’t a thing in this world I wouldn’t do for you if I could.”5

“I know daddy, “ I said swinging my legs.  I saw him grimace and realized I must have kicked him.  “I’m sorry daddy.  I’m sorry.”6

He shook his head and a smile again covered his lips, “Precious, you didn’t do anything it’s fine.  Now where was I? Yes, you are my Princess and one day you will be queen.”7

I giggled at the thought because I was six and I wanted to be queen so badly.8

“When you grow older my Precious one it may appear that I am not around because I have to go away but always know that I am in your heart and your soul and that I sit with angels watching out for you.”9

“Where are you going daddy?” I asked confused and upset.  Why was he leaving and why couldn’t I go?10

“Well Precious, daddy is very sick and so soon I am going to meet with the angels and begin my watch over you.”11

I lay my head against his chest and pouted.  “I don’t want you to go daddy.”12

“And I don’t want to go sweetie but the angels need me and like I said you will always have me inside of you.  When you need me I will be right there,"  he pointed at my heart.  “I will give you strength and courage and I will always watch out for you. Just always remember that you are my Princess and that you are destined to be queen and that no man, no one, has any right to ever treat you like you aren’t.”13

“Yes daddy. I love you.”14

“I love you too Princess.”15

A week later he caught pneumonia and a week after that he was gone.  I was a princess that had to bury her father the king. And after his death his kingdom, my kingdom, was never the same.16

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When I was eleven my mother remarried.  My new stepfather was nine years older than I was and twenty-one years my mothers junior.  His parents owned three or four stores of a large supermarket franchise chain.  Their stores happened to be the closest ones to our small town, which sat on the outskirts of Prince George’s county in Maryland.  My mother was a manager at one of the stores and had been an employee there since before my father’s death.  She had quite literally watched her new husband grow up as his parents had often brought him in the store.  I don’t know how long the affair had been going on or even how his parents felt about it.  I just remember catching them in the act once and the way life changed soon after.18

There was a plumbing issue at my school and so they allowed us to leave early.  When I had entered sixth grade mother had given me a key and finally told me it was okay to walk the three blocks home that she used to drive me everyday. I walked home with Jennifer Pippin, my best friend at the time, and when she crossed the street to her house I placed my key in the door and entered.  Our house was a small compact rancher style.  When you opened the door you were in the living room.  To your left was a sliding door to the main bedroom. To the left of that was a door leading to my room and the bathroom and to the left of that door was the inn table and then the sofa. Which, in reality, was less than four feet from where I stood coming in the door.19

He sat on the couch in nothing but a T-shirt his legs spread wide propped up on the coffee table.  She was as naked as a newborn as she knelt between his legs her head bobbing up and down.  His head was thrown back as he muttered curses and called her names that if ever uttered from my lips would have had me punished for life or worse.  Some how they had missed my entrance and for a few moments I stood entranced by the sight of my mother giving him a blowjob.  His hands held the back of her head and her hands danced below him.  Eventually the slurping noises drew me back to reality and I screamed.  They both froze.  His eyes popped open at the same time my mother turned around and his penis made a pop sound as it slid from her mouth.20

I ran to my room and locked my door.  She never came after me.  I turned the music up so I never knew if they finished or not because I couldn’t hear a thing.  At dinner that night she tried to explain the birds and the bees to me.  When I looked at her in disgust she told me, “Alex and I are getting married.  I was just showing him I loved him and being a good wife - so to speak.” The disgust on my face or in my heart did not waver and she sighed.  “Get used to him kid, he’s your new dad.”21

I ran from the table and we never discussed it again.  Two days after my twelfth birthday they were married in a small ceremony at the court house.  We moved from our small rancher into Alex’s three-bedroom house on his father’s estate ten miles from where I grew up.  Alex and I never got a long.     He was always looking at me funny and telling me to do stuff I didn’t want to do and I, on basic principle, considered him the enemy for having taken over my father’s kingdom and would not speak a word to him.  My mother was pregnant - which looking back I think was the reason his parents allowed the marriage - and was not concerning herself with the relationship between Alex and Me one way or another.22

They didn’t argue much but when they did the fights were huge and they were usually about sex – lack of it – and money – how my mother spent it.  When they argued I smiled because in my mind I knew that it was the next step to us leaving.  All my life my mother had been tough as nails I knew she wouldn’t put up with Alex’s bullshit.  After every argument though they seemed to make up – more loudly than the last.23

When my mother was seven months they stopped having sex.  This lasted almost two years.  The reason that I know this is because a year after my baby sister was born Alex told me.  Mother had taken Alexis and gone to a baby and me workshop and Alex and I were alone in the house.  It was noon but he was drunk as a skunk as was his way on the weekend.  I made the mistake of walking pass him to the kitchen and he grabbed me and made me sit beside him on the couch.24

“How are you doing Princess?” He asked.  I struggled to get up and glared hatefully at him as he kept me pinned down.  Nobody had called me Princess since my dad died. “See, what is it with you? I try to spend some quality time and you won’t even say hi,” his words were slow but slurred and I just sat quietly and stared at him blankly. “Okay, okay.  I will make you a deal.  If you just say ‘leave me alone Alex’ I will let you up and you can continue on your way.”25

I smiled at him then.  I was thirteen did he think that he, a drunken twenty-two year old, could fake me out with that?  I parted my lips as if to speak and his attention was so focused on me that he didn’t realize I had snatched his beer bottle from his hand until it was too late.  The liquid splashed across his face and he screamed, his hands going to protect his eyes.  Free, I jumped up.  The mistake I made was turning to kick him in the groin because just as I made contact he caught my leg and flipped me over.  I landed on the floor with a loud thump and he threw himself on top of me.26

“You’re a feisty little bitch just like your mother.  I bet you fuck like her too.  I bet I could break you in just like I broke her in.27

His spit covered my face as he used one hand to hold both my hands above my head and the other to yank down my pants.  “I told you to tell me to leave you alone, but no.  You know what that says to me Princess? It says to me that you want it.  I've been running around here trying to be nice and play daddy even though your ass ain’t mine – and lookie here - now you are mine.  You belong to me and you want it.”28

He used his knee to spread my legs apart and he forced himself inside.  When I felt him enter my mind exploded and I seemed to be viewing the world upside down.  The invasion and pain were beyond description and my soul cried bloody murder as tears flooded my eyes.  But I never said a word and he had me pinned too tight to fight.29

He moved above me as he screamed curses and told me of things he had done to my mother.  He told me how she hadn’t had sex with him since my sister was born and how I was going to take her place.  He told me he had never wanted a kid, let alone two, with some woman old enough to be his mother.  He told me that I was the best and tightest he ever had and before he came he pulled out and marked me with his seed.30

Afterwards he left me there lying in his cum and my blood from where he had torn me inside.  My pants were under the table and my shirt lifted up.  I heard him downstairs in the basement whistling before the shower in the guest bathroom came on.  Still I just lay there.  I don’t know how much time passed only that my mind could only seem to focus on one thing – if I lay there long enough she will come home and see me and will make him pay.  Then it would fly off to some other place and dream dreams of a Princess that ruled beside her father in his kingdom.31

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I lay there and lay there and she never came in.  Eventually he picked me up and put me in my shower where he washed me off.  I still didn’t speak to him.  He carried me to my bed and sat me on the edge.33

“So here is the thing, your mom will be jealous if you tell her what happened between us so you probably shouldn’t.  We wouldn’t want to break up our happy home would we Princess?”34

When he called me Princess again something inside of me snapped and I began to yell. I turned and started pounding his chest with my fist.  But I was a thirteen-year-old girl and he was a twenty-two year old man and I was weak.  I had no energy and any real fight that I'd had he had stolen from me hours before.  He captured my hands and pinned me to the bed. 35

“You want some more, is that it? Well I am tired right now so you’ll have to wait.  But you listen to this you little cunt.  You and your mother and your sister you all belong to me.  I didn’t want to be a goddamn family man but I am and you are mine and that is that.  What happened today stays between us.  You say a word and so help me God I will kill you all while you sleep and I won’t have to worry about being a family man anymore.”36

I never said a word.  For three weeks I only slept when I knew he wasn’t in the house.  My grades went down and my attitude went up but my mother never noticed.  Whenever I was stuck alone with him because I hadn’t escaped before my mother left he would rape me again.  He never used a condom and he always marked my flesh with his seed and afterwards told me I was his.  37

The cycle continued for a year and then one morning my mother woke up and decided that she was ready to satisfy her husband again.  I heard them through my bedroom walls as I colored in one of my sisters coloring books. I smiled to myself knowing that I was free at last.  That night mother took my sister to a birthday party and Alex and I were left alone.  My guard was down more than it should have been because I felt that with mother now keeping to her duties he would leave me alone for sure.  38

He walked in my room with that smirk on his face that meant he had a particularly nasty plan in mind.  I stepped back towards my dresser shaking my head, still unable to utter a word to him.  In a flash he was on me.  He pinned my head back against the mirror on the dresser as he lifted me to a sitting position on the edge so that my legs dangled off.  I was in my night clothes so he just pulled up the nightgown and began fondling me as he wiggled out of his sweats.39

“Had to get one for the road.  Your mom and I have made up Princess so your duties are over but you will always be on reserve.  I just want one –“ he entered me hard knocking the air from my lungs. “ –last taste!” my eyes closed and my mind wandered and the disgusting filth that came from his mouth just became background noise.  His body began to jerk and he squeezed my face until I opened my eyes, “Kiss me.  Give me a kiss goodbye,” his lips smashed against mine as he emptied himself inside of me.40

My world seemed to slip and slide and my body seemed to go numb and then all I heard was yelling.  My mother’s voice yelling and then the pressure of him pinning me to the mirror was gone.  I opened my eyes and he lay a few feet below me with blood oozing from his head.  My mother stood over him looking down, then back up at me.  She pulled me into her arms and rocked me as she said over and over that she hadn't known.41

My little sister came in the room and started crying for her daddy.  My mother was torn between letting me go and taking my little sister to her room.  I stepped from her arms and lay face down on my bed hoping to smother myself and make it all end.42

As my mother returned we heard him moan from the floor and try to sit up.  My mother kicked him with the heel of her shoe and broke his nose as he collapsed again.  She paced back and forth mumbling to herself.  The only parts I could make out were “rich bastard” and “family will help him get off” and “left without nothing.”43

She came to me then and made me stand up.  “Baby, this is my fault and I am going to fix it.  Nobody is going to ever hurt you again.  Momma’s going to make sure you live happily ever after like a Princess should and make sure everyone learns to treat you like a queen.”  I stared at her blankly, her words sounding like a new form of gibberish for all the sense they made at that moment.  44

She led me into the bathroom and ran me a bath then she made me get in and told me to clean myself good.  “Wash that bastard off of you for good, “ she said. She left and I did.  Then I sat there replaying that day with my father when I was six.  Then there were flashes of Alex and the past year and all he had done to me and made me do to him.  Why hadn't daddy and the angels protected me?45

My fingers looked like prunes by the time my mother realized I wouldn’t be able to get out on my own.  She came in with a large terry cloth towel and dried me off then put me in a pair of pajamas and told me that we had to go to the basement.  As we walked by my room I turned my head to peak in and saw that the blood was there but Alex was not.46

In the basement I saw why…47

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Mother had tied him to one of the foundation beams next to the entrance to the laundry room.  He was standing rim rod straight and naked as a baby’s bottom. His hands were tied above his head and his legs tied to the pole at his ankles.  There was tape over his mouth and wire wrapped around his penis with the end trailing off in to the laundry room somewhere.  Blood still leaked from the cut on his head where she had hit him initially and from his nose where she had kicked him the second time around.49

I stood there frozen by the sight of him.  My mind was not able to process what the hell was going on.  My head tilted to the side as if looking at him and life from a skewed view would help me understand it all better than I had moments before.  I fell to my knees and began rocking back and forth hoping that my mind would wander off again and that mother would deal with this as she saw fit.  She would make it better and I would just turn away.  But the trip of fantasy I ached for never came and I never turned away but mother did deal with it.50

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As I watched she took nails and marked his skin leaving some embedded inside.  She hit a button and a small shock flew through the line tied around his penis.  She tortured him for hours and the whole time I watched as with each new infliction she apologized for what she had done - that she had not saved me.  She apologized for bringing him into our lives and for not caring for me the way my father would have expected.  She told me that I was to never forget, no matter what, that I didn’t need any man.  She told me that Alex’s abuse should have made sure of one thing, that no man would ever break me.52

After more than five hours Alex finally died.  My mother then took me to the kitchen where she made dinner.  While I ate and my sister played with her food in her kiddy chair she sat and wrote out four letters.  She labeled them all and gave two of them to me.  “When you think you are old enough you read this and when you think Alexis can handle it you give her hers.” She stood then with the other two in her hands.  She kissed me on the forehead and left the kitchen.53

From her bedroom she called the police and told them what she had done and why and gave them the address.  While the operator was trying to keep her on the phone she took my father’s gun, from the nightstand where she had kept it since we had moved in, and put it in her mouth.  When she heard the police banging on the door she pulled the trigger.54

They found me in the kitchen, letters in my pants pocket, feeding my sister.  I hadn’t heard the sound of the gunshot or the banging just the angels singing to me softly as my mind wandered off while I fed my baby sister.55

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One of the letters was a suicide confession combination for the police.  The other was to Alex’s parents apologizing and explaining and begging that they take care of my sister and me.  Some how, even in their grief, they were able.  And they raised us as their own never labeling me with an inch of blame or shame though I felt enough of it on my own.57

I went to high school and completed it with top honors.  When I had breakdowns I was sent to a therapist who helped me work things out until the next one.  My sister grew up never asking about our mother or her father as though they had never really existed and she had no need to try and make them real to her.  58

Thanks to my grades I was accepted to College Park on a full scholarship.  When I left my grand parents and sister were sad but they understood as well.  My last night at the house I gave Alexis her letter from mother and told her to read it when she was ready.  I still hadn’t read mine and I wouldn’t read it until my junior year in college. 59

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Up to that point college had just been about school.  I didn’t have many friends and I was dead set against sororities.  I lived in an off campus apartment that was subsidized by the college thanks to my scholarship.  Rooming with me was my oldest friend Jennifer.  She and I were complete opposites but we fit together very well.  She had pledged as soon as she was able and was one of the more popular girls in the sorority.  She would come home drunk and full of stories of the frats and sorors and their escapades.  I knew none of these people but I knew all their dirty laundry.61

Her boyfriend’s cousin was the worst of the bunch it seemed.  He was also the most intriguing from the stories that she told. Jason Toliver was six feet tall with eyes that reminded me of my father and an ability to find trouble faster than anyone I had ever heard of.  When Jennifer pointed him out one day while we were walking to class I began to understand why.  He was built like a Greek god, no pun intended, and had the most disarming smile.  62

A few weeks after Jennifer pointed him out we met for the first time.  I was coming from the Philosophy tutor lab where I had spent two pointless hours waiting for some one to show up to help me with my Philosophy of Religion paper and no one had.  As I was turning the corner trying to catch the elevator I had just heard arrive someone slammed right in to me.  I was furious and expletives started flowing freely from my mouth. My normally extensive vocabulary was lost in the midst of humiliation and anger.  I looked up and it was Jason. As I glared at him in disdain I saw my Economics text book slide through the closing elevator doors and I fought the urge to cry instead deciding that murdering him would be best.  Before I could get up though his books fell to the floor and he was gone through the door to the stairwell.  I stood there a moment and I was too angry to move. Then I began picking up my other text books that were now strewn all over the hallway.63

When I finished he still hadn’t returned so I hit the elevator down button and grabbed his book bag.  The plan was to take it with me to my next class and use it as proof later.  As I exited the elevator on the second floor he stood there, his shirt up exposing his wonderfully toned abs, wiping sweat from his brow.  64

The anger inside of me flared up as I realized I was lusting after such a jerk.  And that is exactly what I told him as I threw his backpack at him.65

“You are an unbelievable jerk, you know that?” I yelled at him striding towards him while I knew he was still off balance.66

“Listen lady I ran down here to try and get the damn book back but somebody had taken it,” He offered in his arrogant self righteous tone that was almost lost on me as I stared at his wonderfully full lips.67

With every thought I had that involved how gorgeous he was I grew more and more upset.  “Great! Just fucking great! First you assault me then you act as an accessory to the theft of my Economics textbook. That book was $150 used. You are going to replace that or I am pressing charges,” I threatened backing him into a corner.68

He rolled his eyes at me like I was some insolent little child. “Look chick it was an accident you – “69

I advanced on him so fast he didn’t know what to do. “Do not call me chick. If you every disrespect me like that again I will cut your tongue out and feed it to you. Now, this is very simple. I have an exam in Economics on Friday. That means I need my book back by no later than tomorrow. You will either replace the book or I will go to the dean and security and your chapter president and begin the smooth process of making the rest of your attendance here a living fucking nightmare.“ 70

I stared him down, my eyes locked with his so that he could see that I was deadly serious.  I wanted him to understand that if I didn’t get my book replaced by tomorrow I would do everything in my power to unravel his world.  I was a Queen and he would treat me as such.71

When I got tired of his silence and his confused look I turned and walked away.  He would either comply or not.  His decision.  His life.72

“Hey –“ he yelled as I neared the end of the hall.73

“Hey nothing. You know the deal.”74

“But I don’t know who you are,” he responded in a confused and weak tone I would have never associated with him prior to this occasion.75

“You’ll figure it out,” I yelled back as I turned the corner to my class. I would assist him by putting Jennifer on the job as well but I knew I would get the book replaced.76

That night as I lay across my bed studying my mind drifted to my father and his eyes and the way they had looked at me when he told me he loved me for the last time.  Soon after I was stuck on thoughts of my mother and Alex and all the pain I had long since pretended didn’t exist.  I had never been able to figure out why she had killed herself.  I never understood why she didn’t just turn herself in.77

In the wake of those questions something inside of me made me think of the letter.  Getting up from my place on the bed I removed the letter from my diary which was in my top dresser drawer.  My fingertips traced my mothers print and I lay down again this time prepared to read.78

And then time froze and I remembered Alex standing there with nails sticking from odd places along his body and I couldn’t open the letter.  I could not read her words.  I did not want to understand.79

Jason returned the book with an apology meant as an opening to flirting.  I took the book and slammed the door on his apology.  For months afterwards he stalked me.  Every time I turned around he was there trying to be friendly.  He sent flowers and candy and tickets to the opera and ballet.  He called non-stop and showed up at my swim meets.80

Swimming was the one thing that I did that allowed me to be free from everything and everyone.  So to get him out of my life and away from my swimming I agreed to go out on a date with him.  Surprisingly enough I enjoyed myself.  After that we saw each other regularly and I got to understand him more and more.  And I started catching feelings for him against my own better judgement.81

There was something about his eyes and the way he looked at me.  They were black obsidian looking just like my father’s had been and with his arms wrapped around my waist they seemed to promise me a security I had long since forgotten I wanted.  The intensity of our connection was sometimes over powering and I could feel myself getting lost in it and him.  82

The week before summer break I realized I was in love with him but I had no clue what that meant.  When I thought of love and sex all I could picture in my mind was my mother and Alex.  Her before him on her knees the first day I caught them together and my head pinned to the mirror as he violated me almost three years later. 83

The night before I left for home to spend two months with my sister and grandparents I sat on my bed tears streaming my face thanks to the horrid memories of my childhood and I found the strength to open my mother’s letter. It was shorter than I expected but still held the pain I had been trying to avoid.84

I don’t know when you will read this my Princess but no matter how long it takes you I hope you realize that I love you with all my heart and soul.  I promised your father before his death that I would protect you from the world the way he wouldn’t be able to.  His last days were spent with me reassuring him that I would make sure his Princess grew to be a Queen.  I failed you and I failed him and for that I am so sorry. I hope that I did him and you some justice by making Alex pay. Though I fear I may have, in my anger and urgency, done your heart and soul more harm than good.85

I know that in your life with both your father and I gone the road to love and happiness will be long and hard.  But you have your fathers will and your father’s soul.  As long as you allow no man to ever break you or your spirit then you will always be a queen.  And if you choose and you find one worthy enough then pick a King who will worship you and protect you and can rightfully stand by your side.  For me, that man was your father. I could tell the first time I looked in his eyes.86

Dancing With Your Father and The Angels In Heaven,87

Your Mother88

- - - - -- - - -- - - - - - - - - - - 89

The letter, now stained with my tears, floated from my hands to lie on the floor.  The pain and emptiness in my soul was so immense I had no idea how I would ever escape.  I curled up into a ball and slept without dreaming.  In the morning I awoke with a tear stained face and after breakfast I reread the letter.  It seemed to me that my mother’s words were leading me to Jason.  She’d written that she had known my father was her king the first time that she looked into his eyes.  Eyes that matched Jason’s almost identically. He must be my king.90

- - - - -   91

He packed my car for me and made sure that everything was secure.  He made me promise to call him that night so he could hear my voice before he went to sleep.  I pulled him to the car so that we could have our first discussion  concerning our future and what it meant.92

“Jason I will not be your conquest. I am not an idiot I know your game and I know your reputation. I also know that Greeks don’t date girls who aren’t sorors and trust me I will never be one of the herd.” 93

I stood there watching as confusion clouded those eyes that I loved so much.  And before he even realized what he was going to say I knew he was about to mess it up. So I placed a finger to his lips to keep him quiet.94

“The last few months have been interesting and in their own way very intense. If you are serious when we come back we can take this where it is headed. If you are trying to play games with me or hurt me kiss me goodbye now and cut your losses. I will not allow you to break me or hurt me,” I stated staring into his eyes so that he could see, if only this once, to the depths of my soul.  I was a Queen he would rule beside me or not at all but he would never rule over me.95

He blinked a few times and before I knew what he was doing he had pulled me to him forcefully. His arms clutched around my arms and his lips collided with mine. Shocked and struck a little dumb by his sudden resemblance to Alex instead of my father I didn’t fight him or his kiss, but I never opened my mouth up to allow him inside either. 96

“That is not a kiss goodbye,” He mumbled pulling back and letting me go.97

I thought briefly on the last hellish ordeal with Alex and his kiss goodbye. I smirked then and turned to walk to the driver’s side of the car.  I got in wondering on my life and the past but I never said a word.98

JayLynn 99

Copyright 2004 All Rights Reseerved100