Is This The Only Way

It is after midnight and I found out that I've overdrawn my bank account again.  How? Where does the money go?  I hate not having the freedom the work like before.  My life has been taken from me and I hate this dis-ease and the pain.  I want my life back. No one understands the Hell that each day brings especially him. If only He would help with some of the bills. I don't dare ask Him. The Psychological torture is too much to bear. I see that Mom is still up. Her bedroom light is on. All I need is 99.00 dollars until I get paid. No, she says, He has to learn how to pitch in with finances. She says she will have me arrested for bad checks and that will teach Him a lesson. Why does punishing me help Him to learn?1

Fear, gut wrenching, throat clutching fear, I'm going to throw up, sweat is running down my face and I can't stop crying. Being locked up and confined is my greatest fear.  My mind is racing a thousand miles a minute. My heart is pounding out of my chest.  Die, Die, Die, Die, Die, it is your only answer. The mantra repeats over and over in my head.  I'd rather be dead. It would be better for everyone if I were dead. Everyone could have all the money they wanted if I were dead. My life is useless anyway. The pain and exhaustion is so great that each day is a new adventure in pain. I can't work. The brain fog keeps me from comprehending and I have aphasia. I look normal and this disease is not life threatening than why can't I do better. That's what everyone thinks. I'm not catering to Them anymore and They can't understand why. As far as They're concerned I'm making all the pain, exhaustion and brain fog up. I have no respect or love from anyone anymore. So what, that my muscles suddenly become so exhausted that I cannot walk. I can't remember what I was talking about. The pain, the unrelenting pain and stiffness is unbearable. No one can hurt that bad with no apparent reason. so what that I wake up with the flu everyday. Being arrested, the fear is to great. Death is the only option I can see before me.2

Death is the last decision I remember making except not to take too much lortab so I don't hurt my liver. I wrote e-mails to my children, my husband, and to my neice.  I can't hold a pen to write on paper.  I print out my husband's e-mail and sign it with all my love. I hope they can understand and forgive me. I am no use to them anymore. I have nothing to offer. I am but an empty shell, a disgusting failure; I am nothing.  In my mind I know they will be better off without me and in my heart, I can do nothing for them anymore, I am unable to give of myself to help them and when I do call them, the drugs for pain and the aphasia make me slur my words and it disgusts them that I am drunk.  Even when I try to explain the help I need from them for healing, I am dismissed as on a crazy rant. I am a useless human being with nothing to offer anyone anymore. I have failed them as a mother, a wife, a daughter, and a sister.  I have no reason to live. It has all been taken from me.  There is no light at the end of this tunnel. I put on my nightgown, I find the restoril and the xanax.  How many should I take?  I take almost all the restoril and a handfull of xanax.  I take my Lortab for pain because I hurt so bad. My heart hurts to the point that I feel like it is going to break. I remember not to take too much Lortab because of the tylenol.  It will hurt my liver. I go to bed.  He can find me in the morning. This was my last lucid memory.3

I remember being held in God's arms. My angels are around me and I am in my safe place. It feels so good to be out of my body and then everything is black.4

Where is this place? I can hear the beep, beep,beep of the cardiac monitor. I can feel the unpleasant sensations of tubes coming out of my body.The IV site hurts and the tape itches.  Pinch my fingers or chest one more time and I will knock you into the next room. Am I breathing? Blackness descends again. 5

How did I get here? When did I wake Him up asking,"Is this the only way?" How did Blake find me? Where did these bruises come from? I think my little finger is broken? What do you mean I wrecked the car in the driveway? I went over the embankment. He pulled me from the car. Where did those clothes come from? Where are my shoes? Did I have on shoes? I stopped breathing?6

The EMT's kept rubbing my chest to get me to breath? What do you mean I hit them?7

What is this tube? Get this catheter out of me now I say. Where am I? ICU in this hospital. I really will die now. These are some the most incompetent nurses I've ever worked with. I can feel their thoughts. Condescending, patronizing, hateful,thoughtless bunch of bitches. Who is this doctor? He's even worse. Can't you all see my heart is broken? I have no energy stores to draw from. I am but an empty vessel. Get it together and be strong for your family. There's nothing to get together and I have no strength left. Can't you see that. My Spirit is ebbing away. I'm so guilty. I've made my family so sad. Can I talk to you about what happened? No, forget about it and move on. Gee, thanks for your caring concern.8

The doctor says I  could of had a stroke or a heart attack. He says I'm  lucky to be alive. He says my liver is not functioning well. No, those test numbers are better than they have been, I tell him. He still looks at me with digust.  Well, fuck you too, buddy.  How can you stand there and judge me.  You don't know the Hell I've been put through by your colleagues. I have been made to feel lower than whale shit, worthless and non-existent.  You don't want to listen to the hell I live with each day.  Let me go home. What do you mean I'm being commited.9

Well, after shopping for His coffin attire and coffin for the past two months everytime we go out, the ride in the patrol car is like a vacation. I am struck by how much the leaves have changed color in  just four days.  All the trees are red and gold with a sprinkling of orange. It really more of a blur as I ride in the back seat of the deputy's cruiser to the Mental Hospital. The sheriff's deputy and I had to wait for almost an hour outside the back entry door before someone came to let me in.  I'm so tired. I smell so bad. The xanax is pouring out of every orafice I have and the smell is embarassing.10

  The intake nurse takes my vital signs, weighs me, and a strip search and inspection of my physical body for cuts, bruises, and scars. The mental hospital is not jail but I am locked in with a bunch of strange people, told when to eat, when to go to the bathroom, and when to sleep. I just want to curl up in bed and sleep and be left alone. I have a bad headache and I can't go to my room and lie down.  It's group time and the bedroom doors are locked.  There are no exceptions to the rules unless you talk with the doctor.  He won't be in until tomorrow.  I take an ibprophen and put a cold cloth on my head and close my eyes to keep out the light and visualize my self somewhere else and try to relax. Ha Ha.   The nights are the worst. The strange noises, the smell, and I don't have my pillows or my music to sleep by or my soft mattress or my special blankets.  How am I supposed to sleep?11

It's a coed ward and I feel so vulnerable. Everyone here is detoxing from drugs.  I try not to judge but some of these people scare me.  They just look scary.  Several have been here several times.  It is like home to them.12

I don't hurt which is surprising but I am so sad and I have to participate in all their classes or I have to stay longer. This is HELL. I want to go home. I'm reminded that I shouldn't have been so selfish in the first place. Yeah, pile on some more guilt and lower my self esteem beyond the lowest point measurable. Play the game and get home. Say what they want and get home. 13

Suicide. I have always thought about it since I was a child. Being in this world has not been my priority. I have disassociated myself from my body all my life. Playing with the angels has always been more fun than playmates on earth. The HELL is now. I'm afraid to leave my body because I'm afraid I won't come back. Energy doesn't flow evenly and the pain is worse. It's not death that I'm afraid of; it is living and how long I will have to endure this life. More than this is knowing that if I don't learn my lessons this lifetime, I have to come back for more lifetimes until I get it right.14

The reality of this Hell is lessened with the lessons of forgiveness of myself and others but it is hard work and I have to always be present to accomplish the task. If only I could wake up to my real self, I could connect with the All and this Hell would be no more. 15

Disjointed thoughts was all that came through to consciousness after the sucide attempt. Everything was jumbled for weeks even after I wokeup and the week I spent in the psychiatric hospital. It has been a full year now and although I have learned to stay ahead of the fear so it cannot find me, it is always lurking just beneath the surface. I can never get comfortable. It is always there. Will it ever leave? How will I ever be able to forgive myself and the pain I put my family through? How can I live with the pain I have to live through everyday?16

There are two forms of pain. Physical pain comes in the form of actual trauma to body. Suffering pain comes from trauma to the soul. It is suffering pain that cannot be quieted with a pill or a gentle touch. Suffering pain will send you into the deepest, blackest, revolving hole in Hell and you can see no way out. I guess after I took the pills and blacked out and started spiraling down that dark black hole that seeing no way out was why I woke Him up asking: "Is this the only way?"17

It is strange how your will to live in the furtherest corner of our unconsciouness will try to find another way out rather than die even when all that you are aware of is pain; severe crippling physical and emotional pain. Pain so bad you pray to die each and every day. 18

It is even stranger to learn that you actually contracted to live in this pain before agreeing to come back to earth. You needed this life lesson of pain to further your progression to becoming one with the All. You needed to learn self forgiveness for having created the pain that you live with and to learn that you are worthy of being healed and loved not only by others but also yourself. 19

Self love is the hardest lesson to learn. We are taught from birth that we are not worthy. We are born in sin. We can never be good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, thin enough, rich enough, or anything enough. How do we learn enough is enough? How can we forgive ourselves for being not enough? If we cannot forgive ourselves, can we truly forgive others?20

Is it really suicide if all we are doing is renigging on a preagreed contract and the only real consequence is that we will have to return to this earthly plane to relive another life to learn a life lesson in pain? Is reliving life after life the only way to learn the lessons of forgiveness and love that will end all space and time? Is this the only way?21