"Where were you yesterday?" Nancy asked Michael. Nancy was 15, blonde, sky blue eyes and slim, though average in build. Nancy knew where Michael had been.1
Michael was sixteen, six feet, sandy hair, muscular, blue eyes and popular. He lied, "I was at Tommy's doing homework."2
Patricia had told Nancy that she had seen Michael with Meredith Cummings at the Mexican restaurant at the mall. Nancy knew Patricia wouldn't lie to her.3
Nancy and Michael were cruising the strip where the youth would hang out. Nancy and Michael had been dating for almost three months. He had given her a promise ring and everything! The idea that he would cheat on her with Meredith was really more than she could stand, but Nancy acted like she believed Michael. Nancy smiled and said, "Why don't we go to the lake?"4
"Do you really want to?" asked Michael excited. When the high school couples went to the lake, it usually meant that they were going to make out.5
"Yes," Nancy smiled a deceptively inviting smile. "I have a surprise for you."6
Michael drove to the lake, anxiously anticipating making out with Nancy. They had kissed a little and held hands, but that was all. He didn't know what she had in mind, but he was eager to find out. He drove to the point, which was a cliff overlooking the lake. Nancy chose the location. There were no other people around.7
Nancy took a pint bottle of vodka out of her purse, opened it, and handed it to Michael. Michael, showing off, took a big swallow and had to struggle not to choke. He passed it back to Nancy and she pretended to take a sip. Then she passed it back to Michael. They kissed. They continued passing the bottle back and forth and Nancy pretended to drink. Michael said after a bit, "This is strong stuff. Do you feel it?"8
"Yeah," Nancy answered. "It's good stuff." She had mixed some of her mother's sleeping pills into the vodka before putting it in her purse. She hoped fifteen pills were enough.9
They kissed and traded the bottle a few more times. The pint bottle was about half empty now and Nancy said, "You finish it off if you think you can."10
Michael, not wanting to seem unable to meet the challenge, quickly drank the rest of the bottle. They kissed some more and Nancy let Michael do a little petting. She impatiently waited for him to pass out. He got silly, but it seemed like he was never going to lose consciousness. Nancy was afraid that her plans were going to fail.11
"I'm feeling dizzy and a little sick," said Michael. "Are you all right?"12
"I'm good," said Nancy.13
"I am going to rest for a minute," stated Michael. "I'll be okay." Michael put his head in her lap and wrapped his arm around her waist. In about twenty minutes he was snoring.14
Nancy extricated herself from Michael and got out of the car. The car was still running so they could listen to the CD player. Nancy went to the driver's side and opened the door. She reached inside and shifted the car into drive. The car began to roll forward. It pitched over the cliff into the lake, Michael still inside.15
Nancy walked to the highway and began trying to catch a ride.16
After she had walked a couple of miles toward town, a car finally pulled over for her. It was an older car and the man inside looked like he needed a haircut and shave. He had dark hair and appeared to be in his forties. "Need a lift, sweetie?" he asked.17
"Yeah, thanks," said Nancy. She climbed in the car.18
He drove for a moment toward town and then said, "You sure are a cute thing. How old are you?"19
"Eighteen," she lied.20
"You don't look it, but I guess that makes you legal," he said leering at her.21
Nancy was very uncomfortable. The guy just made her feel dirty.22
"I'll give you ten dollars for a kiss," he said with a sneer.23
"Noooo!" said Nancy.24
"What? Are you afraid?" he asked laughing.25
Nancy was becoming frightened. "Let me out here," she said.26
"That's all right, girl. Just tell me your address and I'll take you home. You shouldn't be walking all alone."27
She told him her address and he dropped her off. She was almost shaking. She was glad to be home.28
The next day Michael's body was found. A day later, the police questioned Nancy. She kept her cool and said she had last seen him when he had dropped her off. He had drowned, but he had taken sleeping pills and had apparently been drinking. Although there was no known reason for him to kill himself, his death was determined a suicide.29
Nancy lived in the country on a small farm just outside of town. Her family had just over twenty cows, some horses and chickens. Her parents had gone to town for their aniversary and were spending the night in a plush hotel. She had the house to herself and intended to enjoy herself. She put on some music and then got on the computer. The phone rang. A muffled voice said, "You are going to die." Then there was a dial tone.30
This shook Nancy up considerably. She checked all the doors and windows. They were all locked. She called the sheriff's department. "Somebody threatened to kill me," she said.31
"It is probably just a prank, Miss," said the dispatcher. "If you like I will send out a deputy, but there is really not much he can do."32
"Yes, please do."33
The deputy came and looked around. There were no signs of anyone and he reassured Nancy, explaining that this sort of prank happened all the time. He left.34
Nancy managed to compose herself and started listening to music again and playing games on the computer. Nature made demands on her bladder and she went to the bathroom. On the mirror written in red it said, "You will die tonight."35
Panicking, she ran through the house checking the doors and windows. The glass on the kitchen door window was broken. Her heart racing, she reached for the phone. She dialed the sheriff's office, but got a wrong number. She was crying and shaking now.36
Nancy started to dial again and a hand grabbed her wrist. She nearly had a heart attack. There were two of them wearing Halloween masks. She pissed herself because of fear and the need to go, she couldn't hold it back.
One of them, a male voice laughed saying, "Ah, now you're all wet."37
Nancy screamed and they pinned her face down on the floor and tied her hands behind her. The male voice said, "Shall we gag her?"38
A women's voice answered, "No, let her scream. There is no one here to hear her."39
"Please don't hurt me!" Nancy pleaded more frightened than most people ever become.40
They stood Nancy on her feet and took her to the barn, almost dragging her.41
Nancy was sobbing heavily repeating over and over, "Please don't kill me! I'll do anything you want."42
"All we want you to do, is die!" exclaimed the woman's voice.43
"Why are you doing this to me?" Nancy whined.44
Inside the barn, they found a rope and tied Nancy's ankles together. Throwing the other end of the rope over a rafter, they raised Nancy upside down until her belly was about even with their shoulders. They tied the rope off. Nancy dangled there above the ground crying, her face turning red. Nancy was wearing a pink t-shirt and faded blue jeans. 45
The couple who were preparing to kill Nancy removed their masks. With dread Nancy recognized Michael's older sister and her boyfriend.46
"We know you killed him!" said Michael's sister, Kendal.47
"No, no. I would never hurt Michael!" exclaimed Nancy.48
"It's no use, Nancy. We know better," said Samuel.49
"Well, this is pleasant, but let's not waste any more time. I am going to make this hurt," said Kendal. She pulled Nancy's t-shirt down and behind her head exposing her chest and belly. Kendal and Samuel lit cigarettes and then began burning Nancy with them.50
"Oh stop! Dear God, please stop!" begged Nancy. They ignored her pleas.51
After they had burned Nancy over thirty times, Kendal got a small pocket knife and began stabbing Nancy's legs. She wanted it to hurt, she was in no hurry to kill Nancy.52
Nancy cried and screamed.53
Kendal began to stab Nancy in the abdomen. Finally, Nancy passed out. Kendal cut Nancy's throat. They carefully collected the cigarette butts. Kendal and Samuel had been careful to leave no prints. To her parent's horror, her parents discovered Nancy the following day still hanging from the rafter quite dead. The investigation which followed turned up no real clues and no solid suspects. Kendal was questioned, but not considered a suspect. She seemed appropriately shocked and surprised. Samuel was never questioned.54
Author notes
Blood 1. A Murder.
In a list
A contest entry
- Horrorfest by Pray For Me.
180 points, ended November 15, 2006, 11 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Let's Play A Game... by roars-in-public.
413 points, ended April 22, 2007, 28 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Scraping off the Scare by AKM Takayuki.
275 points, ended March 27, 2007, 11 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Simple Originality by The Imagined.
550 points, ended August 16, 2007, 21 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Stories with great twists by Melancholic Smile.
650 points, ended June 19, 2008, 25 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Amaze me. by berryhot2.
145 points, ended June 16, 12 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Writer's on High by Ashlyn Rose.
127 points, ended June 10, 29 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Bring on the suspense people! by u.wish.u.were.emmet.
135 points, ended July 25, 15 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Amything Goes 2! by UsagiDreams.
115 points, ended August 9, 17 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - A Betrayal Contest! Give me your best stories about betrayal! I'm in that kind of mood! by Lori Nikki.
350 points, ended August 25, 11 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 47 of 47
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Aw Andy! I'm SOOO sorry, but this was too much over the word limit!
Please enter another story!!!!!
~Duality.
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This had me hooked from beginning till end, well done! I enjoyed how well-written and thought-out it was, so good luck in the competition!
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Thanks Usagi!
Thanks for hosting this contest and for reading and commenting. I appreciate it. I'm extremely pleased you like this story.
I'm glad you had a good contest and thanks again for the silver.
Andy
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Whoa...to begin with, the beginning of he story came to me as the typial.."boyfriend cheats on girlfriend, girlfriend dumps him and finds someone better." But it certainly changed during the course of the story. This is one of the best I've read in quite a while on this site!L ol. Great job! And congrats for winning all those tophies! Lol.
-Angel
PS. I like how you had Michael's family avenge Michael at the end of the story andhow you explained what happened after Nanacy was found. I guess it was an "eye for an eye." -
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Hi Angel!
Did you think that the man who had picked her up hitchhiking had come back for her?
Anyway, I'm so pleased you like this story. Thanks for reading and commenting.
Andy
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Wow, that was great! Im so happy with this story=] Its VERY suspensful and exactly what I was looking for=] my hand was over my mouth from shock like the whole time, and I probly looked like an idiot to my family cause i was making like weird shocked shrieking sounds lol, It was just soooooo suspensful, especially when Micheal's sister and boy friend killed nancy. However since I'm trying to give good critism I do think it was rather random when Samuel and Micheal's sister hung nacy up and you said that Nancy was wearing a pink T-shirt and faded blue jeans, but other than that this was a great story and I really enjoyed reading it=] Thx for entering my contest!
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Hi!
Thanks for hosting this contest and for reading and commenting. I appreciate it. I'm so pleased that you like it.
May you have many good entries and much fun.
Andy
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okay... honey now im going to say this only once you need some help. i know you may not think so. but god this was disturbing. why did she kill her boyfriend. how did his sister know?
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Hi!
Hmm? I really like writing dark stories
.
Well, she killed her boyfriend because she thought he was cheating on her.
How his sister knew? I didn't explore that.
I'm always open to help
. I love co-writing
.
Andy
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Oh my...this is horrible. Simply horrible. XD
I'm not saying the story is horrible of course-it really is pretty nice. I thought the old man was after her, but surprise, surprise!
Hehe, I feel like writing a murder story on reading yours.
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Hi!
Thanks for reading, commenting, and applauding. I appreciate it. I'm glad you like this story.
Maybe you should try to write something while you're in the mood.
When you want to read another one, let me know.
Andy
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Evil
This was a good murder story, It was interesting how the sister came back and killed Nancy. The writing on the mirror was a good touch too. I didn't notice any mistakes. Anyways I wish you best of luck in my contest. -
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Hi!
I'm very pleased that you like this story.
Thanks for hosting this contest and for reading and commenting. I appreciate it.
Do you think Nancy deserved what happened to her?
Andy
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Senseless violence. Sorry, I don't really like this story. There's not really any building up or any stable plot. It has potential, though.
Thanks for participating in my contest. -
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Hi!
When does violence make sense?
She thought she had motive, she felt that her boyfriend was cheating on her. Her boyfriend's sister and her boyfriend sought vengence on the girl for killing the sister's brother. It makes about as much sense as any murder story.
Thanks for hosting this contest and for reading and commenting. May you have many good entries and much fun.
Andy
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Another twist! That must have been painful for her at the end though... She shouldn't have killed him. Of course that would ruin the plot. I'm surprised at something though: Only entered in 5 contests. I know this should be something about the story, but you've only entered this in 5 contests.
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Aiko,
I don't place in every contest I enter and also I have to feel that the story fits the contest or I don't enter.
It has probably been entered in more contests. I remove my stories from the contests I don't place in.
I'm glad you like my stories. Want another one?
Andy
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I think this is a great story with good twists! Like other's have already commented I really thought when she received the phonecall it was going to be the guy whom she had hitch hiked a lift with, and was starting to think this is gonna be a predictable ending - BUT it wasn't! It was a cruel ending but it made the twist in the story great. Thanks for entering my contest and good luck!
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Thanks
I'm glad that you felt this story had twists. I tried to make this story interesting. Thanks for hosting this contest and for reading, commenting, and all the applause. I appreciate it.
I hope you had a lot of good entries and much fun.
Andy
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Hey Andy...:)
Grammar stuff first…P1 comma after slim. P2 awkward working. P5 comma after lake. P7 comma after lake and point. P11 comma after Michael and challenge. You sometimes overuse their names, creating repetitive tone. There is some choppiness in thought. P29 comma after later. P34 comma after Nancy. P36 comma after panicking. P54 comma after finally.
Got what she deserved in my opinion. In the beginning, I was slightly confused about why she killed him, though. I mean, you wrote that she knew he was cheating but then that she didn’t want to believe it. Confused as to her motive.
Good descriptions and concept, though I wasn’t really surprised at the end. Man in the car was sort of an omen to bad things to come I guess. Well done…I enjoyed this story conceptually.
Thanks for entering…
Durian.
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Thanks
I tried to make her unsympathetic. Did the title make it too obvious? I tried to make the man in the car a suspect. I hope you like this story.
Thanks for hosting this contest and for reading, commenting, applauding, and the corrections. I appreciate it.
Hope you have fun with the contest and many good entries.
Andy
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Well, the character descriptions are a little out of place in the beginning, but aside of that, the detail and the organization are both good. This is a fascinating story. You start off thinking that it's funny and sweet, and then the girl stages her boyfriend's murder and hitchhikes into town. It has a lot of unexpected twists. I was expecting, when Nancy found the kitchen window broken, that the culprit was the man that had insisted on driving her home. It sounds like something that a creep would do. It ended a little abruptly and was kind of sadistic for my taste, but this is still a very good story.
Thank you for entering. -
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Thanks
Thanks for hosting this contest and for reading and commenting. I greatly appreciate it. I'm glad that you felt it is a very good story. I hope you have many great entries and much fun.
Andy
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I like the red herring bit in the middle - that was clever. I thought for sure that the creepy trucker guy was gonna hurt her, or that he'd been the one to threaten her on the phone, but it totally wasn't him at all.
So good fake out. Very effective.
Honestly, I was sad to see nancy go. She was a great character and, I think, had lots of milage left in her, storywise.
I would have liked to have seen things explained better: like, how did big sis and boyfriend find out that Nancy killed the guy? A line in there about "so-and-so saw you drinking with him at the lake" would do wonders to explain it.
That's all. You should write a story about Nancy (when she didn't die) because, for some reason, I really liked reading about her and her sociopathic ways. Heh. Go figure. :-D -
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Thanks
Thanks for hosting this contest and for reading and commenting. I really appreciate it. Yes, the man who picked her up was a decoy. I guess I could add something about how the sister was certain Nancy had killed her brother, but it would need to come out at the end, I think. Perhaps in dialogue. Thanks for the suggestion.
Andy
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I really like this concept..I was actually thinking of something completely different as I was reading this, but everything you did was just as good.
Now, I loved the concept but the story itself was too rushed. I honestly think you're a great writer, but the thing with this is, it being so short..does not give it justice at all. There is so much you could do with this kind of a story..I mean, obviously Nancy was crazy so you could add maybe a mental disorder in the downward spiral of this girls life and the death at the end making a crazy impact on the reader..
Thanks for entering my contest -
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Thanks
Thanks for hosting this contest and for reading and commenting. I hope you have many good entries and a lot of fun. I may expand on this later, but for now it must wait. If I can add to it before your contest ends, I will let you know.
Andy
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correxction...
good read, nice detail, good luck in the contest, sorry about the misunderstanding :-) -
good
this was an entertaining read, but it wasnt really a mystery :' -
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Thanks
Thanks for reading and commenting. The mystery was who was after her. Sorry you didn't catch that. Thanks again.
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This is another great story of yours. I will admit thought, that when I say great I felt it was well written, I'm not sure that this was one my favorite stories of yours, almost seemed a little rushed. Other than that though it was well written. God Bless!
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Thanks
Everything can be improved and I will see what I can do to make this story better. Thanks for reading and commenting. Thanks also for hosting the contest.
Andy
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One thing I noticed about this story is that you have good vocabulary skills. As with everyone, we all have things we need to improve on. Here are my suggestions.
1. The story was quite far-fetched and not very scary. More sensory and imagery details would work wonders to make this seem real.
2. I didn't like the main character at all...I don't think many people would kill their boyfriend of three months just because they were eating lunch with another girl...The first thing that leads a person into the story is the main character. You WANT you audience to like the main character, not necessarily hate them. It was quite unrealistic.
3. There are a few grammer errors, but not spelling from what I could tell. Yout forgot commas a few times and about the flow? It was quite chopped. Here's an example from your piece;
"Nancy dangled there above the ground crying, her face turning red. Nancy was wearing a pink t-shirt and faded blue jeans."
It was the wrong time to mention what she was wearing at that point of the story...Plus, it doesn't really make it any more visual. More feelings should be expressed.
Otherwise, it was an okay story. If you were to fix the following, it could have been a sure winner.
Good luck in the contest!
Ana
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Thanks, Ana
I really appreciate the detailed critique. I will try to apply your suggestions before the contest ends. Not scary? I am disappointed, I thought I had done pretty well there. The example you pulled from my story about her clothing definitely needs repair. I will rewrite this, but I may not get it done before your contest ends. Your page says you are critical, but you are also accurate and you wisely tone your criticism with some compliment. Impressive for a fifteen year old. I don't doubt you will be a published writer before long. I published my first poem at sixteen.
Check out the Writer's Market on line. For under four dollars a month, you can use their service to market your stories. They list over 2,000 publishers and agents.
Andy.
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Creepy indeed, a perfect little story to fit into my contest. Good job, I liked the darkness to it, and the descriptive details. I saw nothing really wrong with it (as a story), so I'd say this was a pretty good work.
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Thanks
Thanks for reading, commenting, and applauding. I hope you enjoyed your contest and had many great entries. I am glad it was a perfect fit to your contest, but sorry it didn't place.
Andy
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hey. woah very creepy. this was very good and i enjoyed reading it a lot. im glad that i got the opportunity and congrats on getting fourth place.
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Thanks, Ahava
Thanks for reading and commenting. I am glad it didn't creep you out too badly. It is good that you enjoyed it.
Andy
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For your fourth placing!
~Angel~
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A very well explained story which fits perfectly with my contest, well, almost. I was intrigued the whole way through and it has a very nasty ending. A very interesting story, quite original. Thanks for entering!
~Angel~ -
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Thanks, Angel
Thanks for hosting the contest. I hope you have many good entries. Sorry this story is not quite a perfect fit. I hope it is close enough to squeeze by. Thanks again.
Andy
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First, I like to thank you for entering my story, so thank you. I really appreicated it.
Secondly, I would like to tell you what I think about your story. I really liked it a lot and you did a good job at explaining things in the story.
This story was one of those stories that I enjoyed reading and didn't want to stop reading.
Good luck in my contest and keep writing! I would love to read more of your stories!
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Thanks, Jigsaw
I am very pleased that you like this story. I wrote it specifically for your contest. I hope that you have many entries and enjoy your contest. Thanks for the triple applause.
Andy
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"We know you killed him?" shouldn't that be (!)instead of (?)? but other then that i enjoyed the read. thank you. I will look out for more.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Thanks, Penny
You are right, of course; that question mark is a mistake. I will have to correct it. I am glad that you liked it otherwise. I will have to hunt down that question mark with my mighty keyboard and edit the sucker. Thanks for pointing it out and thanks for the triple applause.
Andy
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wow ok not what I was expecting from you at all. This is really good. A couple of things I would suggest to do any edits with this is tell how she knew. She was going to die anyway so it wouldn't be as if she could tell anyone and people who kill always love to brag about why they're doing it to the victims. Also where'd she get the sleeping pills and alcohol? Otherwise the detailing is great.
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Thanks, Totem
In the story I said she used her mother's sleeping pills, the vodka had come from her parents as well; but I let that be assumed. Michael's sister pegged Nancy as the killer because she didn't believe her. I guess I could bring that out better in the dialog. I am glad you like this. It was different for me, but I am trying to expand my writing skills.
Andy
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