All the Tears

He was hiding around the corner. It was like a scene out of a movie, appearing out of the darkness. I just wanted to use a phone. He walked up to me and said “Get back in the house. Didn’t I tell you not to leave?” So I went. I despised his every word, his face, his voice, his very being, in that moment I truly knew hatred. 1

I thought afterwards that I should have refused. I should have stood my ground and told my neighbor that I needed help, or screamed at the top of my lungs. I should have done anything but gone quietly. I let myself be manipulated. I’m grounded for six more months. If I try to run, he’ll put me in juvie. Why the hell does he want me here? He doesn’t even love me. 2

I remember the day they got married. That was the day that changed my life. I was no longer in control of my life, she was. He became someone I didn’t want to know. At first everything felt like a dream. It was fine. Then like a bolt of lightning everything got turned around. I didn’t know which way was up. 3

There were times when I thought physical abuse would have been less painful, then to be completely stripped of all emotions, except the bad. I felt used, pathetic, worthless and unloved. My whole world was empty and I, devoid of feeling. I will never know for sure, but I think he used to touch me. Sometimes at night, I would wake up because I could feel him next to me. I would jump and tell him to go away. He acted as if he didn’t know where he was, I didn’t know what to believe. I didn’t want to think that, but now, I have to wonder. And if what I suspect is true, then life can throw some hard ones my way. I’m just glad I won.4

I like to sit in the rain, let it completely drench me. I feel clean then. I remember one day, early in the morning while waiting for the bus, the rain was coming down in sheets. It was beautiful. There were raindrops blending into each other, falling down the face of heaven. It feels alright, when the sky is crying, it matches me, makes me feel big, like I can claim it for my own. That may be the only thing in my life that I can find myself in. That big gray sky with all the tears…5