Dear Katya

December 251

Dear Katya,2

It's Christmas! I have waited so long, just like I do every year. Mom says I'm too old to beleive in Santa Clause anymore, so that kinda ruins it, but I can't help it. I've always loved that tradition. Maybe it's 'cause Dad always used to dress up like Santa, until about 5 years ago, when he died in that car accident. I've always associated Santa with good things; I'll never outgrow him.3

Oh yeah. I probably don't need to tell you this, but I got you today from Mom. She's been getting after me to keep a record of my childhod, so that's why I'm bothering at all. Of course, this wasn't a surprise. As soon as I saw the unblemished wine-colored velvet, I knew what was going on. Still, I might as well keep 'talking' to you, Katya, because it might be interesting to look back and see how things have changed.4

Becki5

6

December 267

Dear Katya,8

IT'S MY BIRTHDAY! The day after Christmas... how lame is that? But I'm finally thirteen! Miss Anita said she doesn't want me en pointe until I'm thirteen. Something about bone development? Whatever. The point (pun not intended) is that I can finally go en pointe! 9

Do you know how long I've been waiting for this?? I just came back from Art and Soles, where I got my very first pair of pointe shoes. They're so pretty! I can't wait! Maybe I'll try them on before Ballet tomorrow...
Becki10

11

December 2712

Dear Katya,13

It just occured to me that you might want to know why you have a Russian name, but I can't help you. I just followed my insane whim, thinking it was pretty. No deep, secret meaning there. Sorry to disappoint you.14

Mom went out again today. AGAIN. Did I mention 'again'? She's getting blood work done. Probably just some weird adult thing, cause she's obviously not sick, but I had to miss ballet class because she couldn't take me. I hate missing ballet, and it's so much worse, because I missed my first pointe class too, so I hope she likes whatever she found out.15

Feeling petulent,
Becki16

17

November 218

Dear Katya,19

Heheh... I kinda lost you for a while there. Okay, so it's almost a year. Whatever. We've been at church today for All Saint's Day. Supposedly it's a Holy Day of Obligation, whatever that means.20

I'm kinda worried about Mom. As much as she annoys me, I don't like it when she's sick.21

Becki22

23

November 424

Dear Katya,25

How long is the flu supposed to last, anyway? Mom's been really wierd about it, too. She's pale with these dark circles, and she hasn't been able to eat, so she's losing weight. I hope she feels better soon. I have to admit, it's partially because I'm selfish and I don't like taking care of the house alone.26

Becki27

28

November 829

Dear Katya,30

It's definitely not the flu - it's lasted too long. She's not as sick as she used to be, but it's not a big improvement. Also, I was prying (not gonna lie about that) and saw that her pillbox has like eight pills. I didn't count. Normally she just takes allergy pills, and I have to ask her about it.31

Becki32

33

November 934

Dear Katya,35

I can't beleive it, but Mom's been lying to me about how sick she is. I'm positive of it, now.36

Becki37

38

November 1839

Dear Katya,40

I haven't been writing. Guess I'm in shock. Mom's in the last stages of Lukemia. The reason she got sick so suddenly is that her pills stopped working. No one knows why, but then, if we totally understood it, we'd be able to cure it. 41

They found it about a year ago, just after Christmas. I guess she didn't tell me 'cause she wanted to protect me. I hate it when she tries to protect me, and she's always doing it.42

Oh, God, what's happening? Haven't I suffered enough? Did I do something wrong for us to deserve this?43

Becki44

45

November 2246

Dear Katya,47

Nani... I just got her yesterday, my first cat, I guess because of pity? Wow, that sentence made no sense. She's staring out my bedroom door like she wants to leave, but she's afraid someone will hit her. I know how she feels.
Becki48

49

November 2350

Dear Katya,51

Back in school today. I spent the whole time looking out the window, wondering what's happened to my normal life, just crying... just dying... Mom's not the only one who's sick.52

You can tell she won't last much longer. She's in the hospital, and had been for a couple days. She's just been lying there, and even with the IV, she's been like a skeleton. She's so pale. So white. The only color she has left at all is in her washed-out pink lips, and the dark circles that spread like a stain from her closed eyes.53

Becki54

55

November 2556

Dear Katya,57

My friends are trying to cheer me up, but my mother is dying. How can this be happening? How is it possible to hurt like this, and still breath? Sometimes I lie in bed, and my emotions sap my energy like a glaciar. It feels like my whole body has fallen away from me, and it's hard to imagine moving.58

I feel like I could just let my chest fall on an exhale, and never rise again. It would be so easy. It feels like it would be so easy, but it's so hard...59

So hard to keep breathing, when I know Mom won't. I wonder what it'd be like to die. Would I be able to unaware - unfeeling, unmoving - forever?60

Becki61

62

November63

Dear Katya,64

It's hard to live like this, not knowing when she'll be gone. She doesn't wake up anymore, and the doctors say coma, but I just see sleep. At least now I know she's here. I need to be strong for Mom, but I can't do this.65

I CAN'T DO THIS! Dear God, I can't live without her. I didn't even know I loved her this much. If I could just have one more week, one normal week with her, I would never let her forget how much I love her. I'd thank her for everything, and be perfect... I'd make her happy! I need more time, but there's none left.66

Becki67

68

November 2769

Dear Katya,70

Mom died today. There's nothing left to think, nothing left to feel. All the while they were tinkering about her, at least then there were tears, some kind of release.71

It was about 2AM and I was asleep. She died while I lay dreaming of better times. I wasn't there.72

How can I forgive myself for that. She's not here anymore, and something just keeps echoing that I wasn't there. It's like a horribly powerful hand, squeezing me, compressing me, crumpling me up, until I'll surely turn into a speck of light and vanish. 73

How can she not be here anymore? After Dad died, I was her whole world, and I didn't even know how much I loved her until it was too late. There's nothing wrong with my universe because here's nothing left to be wrong.74

Becki75

76

December 1277

Dear Katya,78

I'm living with my godparents now, and they've been so kind to me. Though they had their own grief, losing their best friend, they knew mine was greater. 79

I laughed today. Rachel made some joke at school, and I laughed at it. I didn't recognize the sound as my own. How long has it been?80

It's incomprehensable that life could possibly go on without her here, but it does. I don't know how, but it does. I still haven't been able to cry about it, though. Probably because that would be like admitting she's really gone. How come I can realize this, but I still can't do it?81

Becki82

83

December 2584

Dear Katya,85

I gave Mom her last Christmas present today. It was a santa clause ornament with her name, and the day she was born, and the day she died.86

Something about the kindness in his little glass face reminded me so strongly of Mom that I was suffocating. I broke down and cried for Mom, and I cried for what I'd lost, and for what the world had lost. Everyone just stood there awkwardly, not knowing what to do.87

I realized something monumental, too. If she was gone, really gone, I never would have been able to go on living. Now, the huge yawning hole inside me is filled with a warm light. That's Mom; she's still there.88

I should have known, with as much as she loved me, that she would never really leave me alone.89

Becki