Jacks easy way out

In the world Jack was an individualist, a loner with no one to lean on. He was the boy who watched all the popular guys get the hot chicks. The one who just sat in the corner of class drawing pictures of himself hanging from a rope. With his greasy hair, distinctive smell and infamous carvings in his left arm it was inevitable that he had no friends. His reputation was built on this image, and hated it.1

No matter how much he hated this image that he created for himself he was trapped in a box of depression, and the walls just kept closing in on him. The oxygen to his brain was getting cut off by the lack of human connection. He literally had no one to talk to about all his troubles, not even his parents. His sperm donor was a junkie and could be found somewhere on the streets of New York begging for food. His mother, well, who knew where she was. The last time Jack had seen her she was hailing a cab with a duffel bag over her shoulder. Now, at 15 Jack was paying his bills, buying food and supporting himself off a crappy minimum wage gig at the Quik-E-Mart. On top of all this, he was trying to grow as an adult, but was still looking for an easy way out with only a few swift motions.2

He didn’t own a gun, and an overdose just seemed too original. He wanted to go out with a band and to finally be noticed. All he wanted was his picture in the paper and a sentence about his boring non-social life. What would it say anyway? Would the journalist emphasize how he was teased at school and whenever he raised his hand in class someone next to him would say “shut up loser”? Would the journalist tell about how Jack was stuffed into his locker and left in there the whole day and when the teacher let him out he got detention for being late for class? Probably not, it would just say his name, age, and how he died. That would be it. There would be no one grieving for him so they wouldn’t have to put that in there. 3

Without any hesitancy he heaved himself from the lazy boy he picked up from goodwill and started towards the kitchen. With each step there was an echo that only he could hear. As he was in the kitchen he picked up the scotch tape, a plastic bag, and a butchers knife. Then, he noticed the marker lying idly on the kitchen table and scribbled a quick note on the linoleum. Suddenly chipper, he skipped his way into the dining room.4

With a fire in his eyes he climbed onto the cheap table that was given to his mother by St. Vincent’s. First, he took the knife and poked the tip of it above his belly button. He counted to three and started his incision. It was about six inches long and could be parted easily. For the first time in his life he felt alive he could feel something that wasn’t a hunger for love. As if the plastic bag was a sock he slipped it over his head and wrapped the tape around his neck eight times, for security. Lastly, the thing that would give him the page that he craved for in the paper. With the arm he used for his infamous carvings he stuck his hand in the incision and went scavenging for his spaghetti like insides. The blood started oozing from him like Niagara itself.5

It was almost over; his big bang was almost here. With his intestines he started wrapping it around his neck. He needed to work fast though because he was becoming dizzy from the bag over his head. Then, he cut half of the intestines from the rest and hurriedly wrapped it around the bar between the two ceiling tiles. His last thought before he stepped off that table was how he wished that cold **** of a mother could be here to witness the affects of her own stupidity. Though, he still missed the way he used to tuck him in at night, even though he was still too old to appreciate it. Even the good was all weighted down by the booze, drugs and excessive men that she brought in and out of their lives. Finally, he stepped off the table and into the burning hell in which he belonged.6

For the next three days fly’s started migrating in the whole in Jacks abdomen, feasting off all of his insides that they could get too. 90 percent of the blood that was once flowing through his veins is now dried and caked up and down his body and caked onto the floor where he which lies. With half his intestines still hanging for the ceiling and the other half coming out of his stomach it was a brutal sight to witness. That’s when she walked in the door.7

“Honey I’m home,” Came an overly chipper yell that came from the front door, obviously, she didn’t know what was going to be in the next room over. “Hey, come out here, I’ve brought you- Oh my god!” That’s when Jacks mother seen him lying there, the son that she abandoned nine months earlier.8

For the next couple of months people bustled and gossiped about Jacks suicide at school and all around town. They all said how they wish they could have done something about it; how they wish that they would have befriended the boy with the word ‘death’ permanently scared into his arm. That was just a painted on smile, and all those brown noser’s at school knew it to. In the back of their minds they were actually wondered why he didn’t do it sooner. Jack would be happy about one thing though; he got his article and even a picture. He finally got was he was burning and calling out for, recognition.

Author notes

I am in a sense, Jack. His mother and mine are actually quite alike. Please tell me if Im good at writing this grusome stuff! Thanks!

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

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Comments

1 - 21 of 21

  • Oleander
    April 5, 2007
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    oooh, this is good! great writing!


  • the-horror
    February 6, 2007
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    yes, you're definatly good at writing gruesom stuff. and i liked to reference to the quik-e-mart


  • QueenWolf
    January 28, 2007

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    wow... I really enjoyed reading this... I hope you do well writing more gore

    Thank you for entering

    Penny x x x


  • passion29
    January 28, 2007

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    this is good. not usually what i read, but I'm glad i did because this is really good. congrats, this is a well written story. Captures feeling...just a few spelling mistakes though.
    Good job!


  • Rebel Rebel silver member
    January 5, 2007

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    You have a ton of Comments.

    Two very good and wise advice Comments down there. Do you think you could take this core idea and novelize it? I felt at a point in the story that he might for a minute turn his life around. He had the sad beginnings of a future success. But in your story such was just not to be.


  • Lukkieight
    December 20, 2006

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    I guess Im good at misleading you with my non-humor. The reason he had the plastic bag over his head was because he knew that his intestines would hold his weight. I bet him and Stanley did hook up (in a non-gay way) and he did donate his tape to him. You should be happy, your tape dispenser had a huge part in Jack killing himself. Being in the paper wasn't because he wanted to see his name in ink, but because he just wanted people to notice him. Jack couldn't write so he couldn't write for the paper anyways.

  • Brent
    December 19, 2006

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    You had a few mistakes that almost made me think this was a comedy (and the grinning skull background is equally misleading, they always make me laugh). I read "His sperm donor," and was like "why does he have a sperm donor???" and then I realized it was a clever way of saying "his father". And "he wanted to go out with a band" I was thinking like a rock band, and that would be pretty gay for a guy. "An overdose seemed too original" (because self-intestinal hanging is definitely not original, I mean everyone's doing it). I wonder if the tape he used was from Stanley the Tape Dispenser?

    Other than that, seems like a pretty miserable life he has. Had. Takes determination to hang yourself from your own intestines. Would they even support the body? I don't have a lot of experience in the area, but someone should test this (Editor's note: please don't). I think he could've found a better way to get in the paper. Like getting engaged. Or getting a job writing for the paper. Or maybe I'm just crazy.


  • semblance
    December 8, 2006

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    I have to say that I genuinely enjoyed this piece. I love the originality of the suicide, what Jack so craved, because I'm quite bored with the normal 'oh, I'll just slit my wrists' plot. Being original is a very rare thing when it comes to writing, especially now.

    Very good imagery, and I really loved the descriptions of Jack in the beginning.

    Great work! ^^

    plot: 5, ending: 5, characters: 5.


  • LostSoulOfRage
    December 5, 2006

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    paragraph three band i think is suppose to be bang?
    but other than that i thought this was a really good story, i like it. u did a great job discribing everything, i love it. great job. keep up the great work.


  • Forbidden Romance silver member
    November 29, 2006
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    Damn this is alot of contests. Well it was grusome enough for me, so thats a good thing...i guess . It was good, i liked it. Thanks for entering. Good luck.

  • ohemeegeeay
    November 24, 2006
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    This was chilling, and slightly creepy too if you don't mind me saying! Thanks for entering, and good luck in the contest!


  • Kari gold member
    November 20, 2006
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    Good Luck

    This was chilling and very detailed. You've done a great job here with pulling out those inner demons. The best of luck to you in the contest..I'll comment more after it's done.
    Kari

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.


  • Hales13
    November 15, 2006
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    This is a really great story. When I first started reading it, it seemes kind of cliche, like anyother cutter story, but unlike the other one's like this that I've read, your's actually brought your character, in fact, Jack reminds me of a friend of mine. All I could think of was him while I read through it. Great job!

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.


  • roars-in-public
    November 11, 2006

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    You Musn't Read the Whole Thing...

    Well… to tell you the truth, you are very good at writing ‘this gruesome stuff’. I don’t generally like to read or watch gruesome stuff because of the gore – thus, I know this was good because it made me feel sickish. Congratulations – you have achieved your ultimate goal of grossing someone out with your descriptiveness and general eeeewww. If you wrote a horror-gory-suspense-pointless-everyone-dies sort of thing, though, I would be glad to read it. Please write one.

    Beginning – I like how you pulled us into the main focus of the story – your character. This story is about Jack, is it not? So of course you tell us about him first and foremost. If you had introduced him in a roundabout way, I would have been veryvery bored. But as it stands, I’m still here and this is the longest review I’ve ever written. 4/5

    Ending – rightfully creepy. Maybe, instead of ending the last paragraph with the word ‘recognition’ you should make it its own separate paragraph to add emphasis –

    Recognition.

    Like that, you see? 5/5

    Characters – You have one character, but two entities – pretty much Jack and Everyone Else. I find Jack sort of bitter and removed. Angry, too, in a detached sort of way. Everyone Else is cold. Too cold – but realistically cold. 4/5

    Plot – there’s not much of a plot, to tell you the truth. However, if you chose to expand upon the story it could be great. Even a look into what happened before this would be interesting – I’d read a series of flashbacks. If you were to do a follow up, I would hope it would be a gruesome ghost story or something. But expect another verbose review. 2/5

    Language – I don’t have much to say about this. There was a bit of awkward phrasing and some things didn’t flow right, but that’s just me being picky. Everything can be bettered by practice. 3/5

    Dialogue – There is none – I give nothing for nothing. =D

    There are some grammatical errors that I found a bit buggy. But that’s me – If you meant them to be that way, please correct me and I’ll edit my review.

    Paragraph 3 – ‘He didn’t own a gun, and an overdose just seemed too original.’ Don’t you mean ‘unoriginal’?

    Paragraph 5 – ‘With the arm he used for his infamous carvings he stuck his hand in the incision and went scavenging for his spaghetti like insides.’ I think you mean ‘insides like spaghetti’ or ‘spaghetti-like insides’, with a hyphen. Because otherwise, it makes it seem like he’s looking for spaghetti, and I seriously hope he’s not.

    Paragraph 7 – ‘For the next three days fly’s started migrating in the whole in Jacks abdomen, feasting off all of his insides that they could get too.’ ‘Fly’s’ should be ‘flies’, ‘whole’ should be ‘hole’ and ‘too’ should be ‘to’.

    Paragraph 8 – ‘…overly chipper yell that came from the front door, obviously, she didn’t know…’ that comma between ‘door’ and ‘obviously’ should either be a period or a semicolon. Like: ‘…door. Obviously…’ or ‘…door; obviously…’ opposed to ‘…door, obviously…’.

    Paragraph 9 – ‘They all said how they wish they could have done something about it; how they wish that they would have befriended the boy’ ‘wish’ should be ‘wished’, because the story is in past tense.
    … and all those brown noser’s at school… ‘noser’s’ should be ‘nosers’. It’s plural, not possessive.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Please continue writing – I enjoyed this piece – who knows – you may have awakened my secret PASSION FOR GORE!

    beginning: 4, language: 3, plot: 2, ending: 5, characters: 4.


  • October 31, 2006
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    Thanks for the Entry

    I really like this story. I did see that band should have been bang. There are a few, and I mean a very few, grammatical errors. However, these are minor and do not detract attention from the story. You should definitely keep writing gory stuff, you have a knack for it. Good luck in the contest!


  • crazygurl501
    October 30, 2006
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    GREAT

    I really liked this. You were very creative in the way you had him commit suicide. It was very sad as his mom came back and was the one to find him. I also found it sad that it took three days for anyone to find out what had happened. Thanks for entering my contest. Good Luck.

    -Dawn-


  • crimsonphaery
    October 30, 2006
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    wow...

    This is...amazing...you're briliant at writing this gruesome stuff! I'm speechless...this is the best story I have ever read. Keep writing. You're so talented.
    ~Jinx~

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.

  • Chrysta
    October 27, 2006
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    im really tryin not to cry... this is horribly sad...if thats what u were going for u definately have a flair for it...


  • ThePills
    October 26, 2006

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    jeeze... that was original, I loved it, its rare to find a writer who will be able to express those kind of details and still keep the story entertaining and engaging.

    beginning: 4, language: 3, plot: 3, ending: 5, dialog: 4, characters: 5.


  • October 24, 2006

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    This is really really good. You should try to write this as a novel. You do have some punctuation problems, but they are minor. If this is your normal style, you could go really far with writing. You are publishable, very marketable. Now, just write this thing as a novel!!!


  • Token Massacre silver member
    October 24, 2006

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    wow .... I only have a few suggestions. Check over your punctuation. Ok that's probably the only one. This is absolutely sick and twisted and I have to say I absolutely love this piece. The detailing is amazing and you really pull the reader in. Thank you for entering this in the contest and good luck.

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