They arrived home early from their pitiful attempt to find true happiness wrapped in paper, it didn't take them long to realize that something was amiss...something was wrong...a travesty had been commited...one with no regrets. The blood I was covered in...not my own. They walked up the stairs soaked in the strange, red liquid...blood, the little girl, with her face masked, knocked on the door and my legs begin to shake uncontrolably,1
"Daddy, is that you?" she asked.2
"Yes, hunnie, now go away, daddy is very busy" I said, her still-warm corpse lay in the tub...her empty eyes glaring at me...the blood won't wash off my hands...stained with guilt. The window was open, but there were too many kids, too many people...too many witnesses...I bided my time...something I had much of...just her lifeless body and I...we were together, for the first time in YEARS we were not fighting...I stared into her eyes, my love for her ran as deep as it ever did, the night wore on and I just stared at her, much like I did before I had the courage to approach her, long before I had the courage to ask her what her name was...and LONG before I asked her to be mine...forever, back when we were still innocent of everything and anything. I gently kissed her forehead and closed her eyes.3
It was time, there were no more people outside, so thats where the body went...it hit the ground with a terrible thud. I rushed down the stairs and out the door with my spade to dispose of all evidence...the cornfield, a perfect place...she will live on through the corn that we grow, she'll do more for me dead than she EVER did for me alive...weird thing about the word...if you take out the 'v' what are you left with?4
A Lie
A contest entry
- Halloween by Token Massacre.
900 points, ended October 30, 2006, 9 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
She'll live on
Comments
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This has a lot of potential to be a really great horror story. The problem is that you make it feel like the reader came in during the middle of the scene. If you explain what led up to this, why this happened. You hint at it but don't give the reader enough to really attach themselves to the characters. The detailing in the bathroom was great. I'd love to see it if you expand on this. Good luck and thanks for entering the contest.
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Yes, it does come in, in the middle of the scene, and yes I will be expanding on it, adding more detail and events, maybe even an alternate ending, but having the reader come in at the middle is what makes them continue reading, they want to know what happened and they'll continue, hopeing for a definate ansewer, and you-re welcome for entering
Later
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