It had been a mission, like so many before. The Ancestors had sent a small group of the clan's best to take out a man and his family. The instructions were simple, kill the man's family first, so he could watch them die, then kill him. We were to torture him for killing many of our own.
It was in a small rural part of Canada, somewhere near Toronto, on a farm. It was late when we reached it, the clock tolled 11 when we snuck out of the forest toward the delapitated house. The communication device in my ear beeped, and Jonas came on the line.
"Go ahead," I whispered.
"Shauni, you're the best person I have on this mission, all these others are rookies, so I'm gonna need you to stay close by."
"Understood."
"Now, I want you to take Beth and grab the oldest daughter, attic bedroom. Do not wake her, if this gets fucked up because the two of you couldn't keep one girl asleep, you will answer not only to me, but to the Ancestors as well."
"Understood, sir."
"Well, get going. Oh, and Shauni, you should know by now that you are the only one who doesn't call me sir."
I smiled as I remembered where we were when we had recieved this mission. They hadn't been in the most orthodox of positions.
"Alright, Beth, we have our orders, we're going for the eldest girl, attic bedroom. There's a stairway leading up to it right at the back door. Understand now that if she wakes up, or if anyone wakes up for that matter, we are personally responsible and will pay dearly. Understood?"
The frightened-looking young girl nodded, a tremor running through her body. I took pity on her, for a moment. It wasn't fair for the Ancestors and Jonas to expect so much of this very green team they had put together. From what I knew about our foe, this was not going to be easy. He was human, of that there was no doubt, but apparently he was dabbling in long forgotten arts that even the witches feared; and he was using them to take our my clan. A more experienced team should have been assembled.
"Shauni? Where the hell are you? Get into your position!" Jonas' voice yelled in her ear.
"On my way! Keep you pants on!"
"Are you sure you want that, Shauni? You didn't protest last night."
"You know what I meant!" I could just see him laughing at me. "Let's go, kid."
We made our way silently to the rear of the house, unlocked the door and slid up the stairs. Our target was sleeping soundly when we opened her door, but something felt off.
"Beth, stay there. Don't move until I tell you to. I need to check a few things."
I made my way to the girls bed side. Something was wrong, every instinct I had was screaming at me to leave the house, to abandon the mission, but my pride kept me there. I looked down at her, she couldn't have been more than 18. I went to touch her, and felt a surge go though me, then I noticed it, the pendant no vampire ever wanted to see.
"Shit!" I growled, and activated my earpiece. "Jonas, we have to get out of here. I can't touch the girl."
"What the fuck are you talking about?!"
"She's a witch, Jonas. The bastard's daughter is a goddamn witch!!"
"Son of a bitch. Wait there, I'm coming up."
The girl started to move. "Jonas, I think she's waking up. We have to get the hell outta here."
"NO! This mission is too important to blow on one bitch, grab her, bring her downstairs, I'll figure something out when you get here."
"How do you propose I do that?"
"Knock her out or something, just don't do anything to permanently harm her."
I turned to the girl. She was beautiful, with long black hair, streaked with a color I couldn't see from the darkly lit room. She was stirring, so, afraid she would wake up, i pressed down on a pressure point, ignoring the pain the went through my body. She was knocked out in seconds.
"Beth, help me move her downstairs."
Together we moved her light form from the attic to the den on the first floor, joining our group. As we put her down, she awoke, but she was already tied down and could do nothing. The entire family was there, including an elderly woman I assumed was the target's wife and too young children. Jonas started to speak.
"Do you know who we are, Sir?"
"N-n-n-n-no."
"No? Then perhaps you will remember my sister, who you killed two weeks ago? A beautiful child, blonde hair, green eyes, a tatoo of a black rose on her wrist?"
Before the tatoo was mentioned the old man had been able to feign ignorance well, but the tatoo got him. Everyone in the clan had them in different places.
"I see you remember her. Perhaps you will also remember a young man you killed three days ago, he was the lover of my dear friend over here." he pointed to me. "We were sent for retribution. You've killed too much of our small family, now you have to pay, but first, you'll watch the little ones and the bitch here die, as I watched my sister."
Jonas turned to the three who were crouching together by the door. It didn't take long to kill them, they didn't put up a fight. The little ones cried and the old lady screamed, but within seconds it was over. The girl I had tied up strained to get to them, but to no avail, tears streamed down her face. Jonas turned to the old man.
"You should have let us live in peace." he whispered before killing him too. "Let's get out of here."
"Jonas, the girl," I said.
"Bring her with us, the Ancestors will deal with her."
"You can't touch me!! I know what you are! I know the rules!" she yelled suddenly.
"The rules state that I can't kill you," Jonas whispered, "they say nothing about taking you prisoner, believe me, I was there when the were written. Now, let's get the hell out of here."
The group left the house, Jonas and I taking up the rear. I shivered slightly in the night air. The cold normally doesn't me, or any of our kind, but something about tonight changed everything. Jonas put a reassuring arm around my shoulder.
"You OK, babe?" he asked.
"I think so..."
"Shauni..."
"Something just doesn't feel right about all of this."
"Hey, I know I'm not Michael and his death is probably weighing down on you..."
"I'm not talking about us," I laughed, "I'm talking about the girl. We shouldn't have taken her out of that house. Something terrible is going to happen, Jonas, I just know it."
A contest entry
- Testing 1-2-3 by Token Massacre.
850 points, ended April 30, 2007, 12 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
new story... more of a free write thing.. i havent set a plot at all... so yeah
Comments
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I have to admit that I liked this piece. When this contest is over, I intend to read chapter 1 and any following chapters you may have.
As for the content of the story, it's well done. There are a few punctuation mistakes but that's easily fixed. I would have liked more details, but again that is a minor thing. It flows well.
I'm not sure about some of the humor of the piece, it feels somewhat out of place. Overall it's a good story, well done.
Good luck and thanks for entering the contest. -
Fun reading!
Fun to read and entertaining! I am curious to know more about the "ancestors" ... I think it would be cool to write freely. I try to make outlines for each chapter, before writing a lengthy story, but this is something I've thought about doing several times.
This is good writing and written well, but I'll comment on a few quick things I saw.
40= I was there when the were written ("the" should be "they"?)
47= Something terrible is going to happen, Jonas, I just know it." (no comma needed after Jonas)
1= The Ancestors had sent a small group... (The narrative voice here is passive, it could be made active by removing the word "had")
18= every instinct I had was screaming at me to leave the house... (could be taken from passive voice to active by changing it to, "every instinct I had screamed for me to leave the house")
I have an eye for narrative voice... I like to study other peoples' writing.
beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 3, ending: 3, dialog: 3, characters: 5.
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thanks
thanks a lot.
i'll have to go back and change those.. i haven't looked at this story in ages... i've been writing it all in my notebook before posting it...
i think its all pretty passive... hhmmm... i'll have to change those too lol
thanks again for the comment.
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