Untiled.

"Never Again"1

Who would have thought these two words would haunt me for the rest of my days here.2

It was perfect at least we thought it was. Everything has its flaws and this relationship we once had, had plenty. Nobody is perfect, especially me. To many times before I have taking pain away by causing more pain. The wonderful world of the cutter that tries to still attack me from the inside out until this day. There is really nothing much to say about a haunting pass that I'd rather not mention. No matter how badly I want them to go away the scars never disappear. It's horrible how you remember the first time you do something in order to try to kill yourself and slowly watch the blood dripping down. I don't remember the first day of school but I remember the first time I flew over my handle bars on my bicycle. I remember the day I first found this different kind of pleasure. I remember the first time I smoked a cigarette, deep down I'm hoping it will kill me slowly so I can live with the pain I caused unto one to many people, the pain I caused unto him.3

Everyone knows there is a such thing as love but once you find it you some how lose your grasp on it. It is like you're holding on to a burning rope and as the fire begins to burn your hands you let go. There really isn't any words that can describe it. When I finally found the one I was to be with until the day I died and left this hell. He made my hell into heaven. He made me want to straighten up my life. The path I was going down wasn't looking so good. I didn't realize until he came into my life that I was slowly killing myself. I can honestly say that if he didn't find me in my time of need I wouldn't be writing this, I would to busy wasting my life away. I have so much to look forward to and I'm still looking for it. Once again it seems that my dreams are shattered like when you punch the mirror, showing the real you, with all your might. Watching the pieces scatter everywhere satisfies you in a weird way as you break down to nothing.4

I know what it's like to awake and not wanting to wake up. At times I was afraid to be alone with myself and just wanted to go sleep and couldn't. I would begin to cry to him over the phone that I hated my thoughts. I just wanted to sleep and forget. All at the same time my dreams drove me insane more then the thoughts them self and made me not want to sleep. It felt like I was in a never ending nightmare that kept repeating once the moonlight hit the sky. I felt like there was a rope that would tighten around my throat a little more everyday, slowly making me wait for what I want most, DEATH. I remember the one time I wasn't on time for something my big brother went looking for me worried about what I was going to do to myself and that me sick to my stomach that once something goes wrong I might just do it again. The first thing people notice about me is my scars. I can just tell by the look in their eyes. The look is so piercing that it makes you want to scream, "I'M NOT BROKEN, YOU DON'T NEED TO FIX ME!" These are things I'm still learning to face and sure it gets hard but I have learned you can't give up. One of the reasons I think my true loves relationship failed was because I hated myself and wasn't sure if I could love. It's simple to get f***ed all you have do is lay on your back, you don't even have to enjoy it. I remember the only I time I actually shared a connection with someone. It was the most beautiful thing to witness. But before I actually realize it was loved I was lying on my back for other guys besides him. What stays in the dark always comes to the light no matter how hard you try to hide it. He finally found out.5

The day came where I had to leave his side and bid my farewell. The last time I saw him was when he gave me my shoes and said goodbye as I sat in the car. We began to pull away and make a ten hour journey to our new home. That was the last I saw him face to face. Later on we decided to stay friends and hook up when I move back. That whole thought lasted for a week. I called him up like I always did and he asked who the other guy is. I didn't answer and he knew it was true. By this point in time sorry would never fix it. I poured my heart to him even more but he kept saying never again. every time I heard that the more tears poured down my already damped face. My life seemed to be crushed by a simple two words. I knew the day was going to come and I knew that I may never be his a again. The Last thing I would like to say to him is to not give up on me, at least not yet. I still have yet to say that to but I fear that the words will never come out.6

I know that the mistakes I have made I must live with. No matter how badly I want to take a razor up my wrists or how badly I want to take pills to get a nice high that will hopefully kill me. I have to move on and hope that maybe, one day, I, I will get my second chance. God only knows when or if that will come about. I may not know my future but I know I have to still live for him even if he hates me. I will never leave his side, NEVER.7

"Never Again"8

Who would have thought these two words would haunt me for the rest of my days here.9