“Is it one tablespoon or two?” Sienna asked softly, leaning up against the back of the burgundy couch.
The sound of pages flipping distracted me while I was stirring. “Great! I just lost count.”
Jenna, so was sitting cross-legged on the hard wood floor, didn’t looked up from the brown, worn book and replied off hand, “twenty-six.”
“Twenty-seven, twenty-eight, twenty-nine…” I went on counting under my breath. The cold metal of the spoon was slick under my sweaty palms.
“Two,” whispered Jenna, finally glancing up from the yellowed pages. “But not until Baylee has reached fifty turns.”
Sienna nodded and looked at me, “Forty-six, forty-seven, forty-eight, forty-nine.”
Standing up Jenna commanded, “Now.”
Sienna added two tablespoons of Anise Seed. “Now twenty more turns Baylee.”
I nodded my strawberry hair and continued to count in my head.
Behind me Jenna asked, “Does everyone remember the words?”
I heard Sienna say yes, but I just looked over my shoulder and winked. This is what we; Jenna, Sienna and I had been waiting for, our very first spell.
It wasn’t a complicated spell, but it took time and effort. Jenna was the brains of our group, good with the books. Sienna had the measurements and herbs down, what herbs were good for healing and that sort of thing. Me, well I’m the strength, not just physical but mental. I hold this little group together.
“Eighteen, nineteen, twenty.” I said aloud.
“Stop,” shouted Sienna and Jenna.
I stopped my spoon, laid it down on the polished wood table and waited for the sign.
Purple fog slowly crept over the sides of the black caldron. It continued, slowly slipping down the sides and slithering across the floor. The smell of roses hung in the air faintly. I shivered with excitement.
“Threes time three,” we chanted together. “And two by two. We raise our hands to all. And ask the Mother Earth to bring forth the gift we seek.” We paused as the purple for started climbing the walls. Then, “it is done.”
Three times we clapped our hands and twice we stomped our bare feet. Silence followed as the fog slowly inched it’s way back to the caldron.
Sienna broke the silence. “Now what?”
I threw her a dark look, my gray eyes flashing with anger. My skin and blood burned hot and my hands trembled as I waited for the outcome.
“Now we wait,” said Jenna calmly pushing her straight brown hair behind her ears.
“So, did you guys hear what was planned for this next weekend?” I asked as I calmed my breathing. I walked over the fireplace, grabbed an apple off the mantle before plopping down in front of the blazing fire.
One blond and one brown head shook a firm no as they sat down beside me. All of us sat staring into the flames. Around us the room grew dark as the flames threw shadows on the stonewalls. Here and there windows along withhold worn tapestries broke up the dingy gray walls.
“Well I heard it was going to be a camping trip and then it was changed to a dance. But now I heard when I was hiding in my mom’s work room that they were just going to call a small meeting with just the big guys and the families.”
“Are we to be a part of it?” Asked Jenna primly, folding her slender hands on the book in her lap.
“Mom didn’t say.” I replied while I twisted a strand of hair around my fingers. “But I did hear that ‘She’ will be there.”
“Now way!” Protested Sienna almost lunging off the floor. “’She’ is so not going!”
“Yep,” I said dropping my hand and hoisting myself up. I walked purposely to the caldron in the middle of the room. Sitting the half eaten apple down I peered into the opening. “Nothing. Are you sure we did it right?”
Jenna opened the aged book to the right page. Nodding her head and pushing up her glasses, “according to the spell we have six more minutes. Come sit down and tell us more. How come ‘She’ is going to be there?”
I left the apple and crossed to them. This time I grabbed a pillow from the burgundy couch threw it on the floor between them and laid down on it. The fire felt deliciously warm against my freckled face.
Sienna lay on her side. Blond hair cut short under her slightly pointed ears and green tilted eyes stared at me seriously. Long legs stretched beneath her and her left foot jiggled angrily, as I got comfortable.
I looked at Jenna as I settled the pillow more comfortably underneath me. She, like myself, preferred long hair and hers hung around her waist. Brown hair along with brown eyes looked gravely at me, waiting for my answer.
“Mom says ‘She’ is to be advanced to Star Two.”
“No!” came loudly from both.
“I’m afraid so,” I replied.
Sienna shook her head and gathered her legs up under her before she spoke again. “There is no way ‘She’s’ advancing beyond us. We have been working our tails off.”
“I know, but that’s what I heard mom say to Leeanna Graves.” I rolled over and stuck my hands behind my head. I stared at the smooth white ceiling watching the shadows dance. “They walked out after that so I didn’t hear anything else, but I sure would have liked to.”
Jenna uncrossed her legs and stretched them out before standing up. “Well, there’s nothing much we can do about Tamora.”
“How can you even say her name without choking?” I spat.
Jenna ignored my protest. “So lets see if our spell worked.”
Sienna and I followed Jenna to the caldron. Peering over the edge, we notice a small lavender flower sitting at the bottom.
“It worked!” Yelled Sienna.
“Shhhhh,” I hushed her.
Jenna reached in and pulled out a delicate purple rose. It rested perfectly in the middle of her smooth palm. Both Sienna and I reached out and stroked its silky petals.
“Nice,” we both whispered.
We stood around the polished table in my den the next day. We had left the rose there for grading and this morning where the flower use to be there was a piece of white paper. It was folded and sealed with a purple blob of wax. Stamped into the wax was three stars shaped like a triangle, my mother’s seal.
“Well, open it,” pressed Sienna. Today she wore a plain red t-shirt with jean shorts. Her short blond hair was tucked behind her ears.
I looked up at Jenna, who stood at the top of the table; hands lay on either side of the paper. Her chocolate hair was pulled back in a braid that hung over one shoulder. Somber eyes peered out from behind her wire-rimmed glasses. She also wore jean shorts, but her t-shirt was blue with silver moons scattered across it.
Slowly Jenna slid her hands to the paper. She picked it up and held it to her chest, breathing deeply.
“Jenna, just open it. We did the spell right. We got the rose we were supposed to. It’s going to say we passed.” I coaxed.
Jenna nodded and held the paper out. “Sienna James, Star One; Jenna Smyth, Star One; Baylee Younge, Star One; Congratulations girls. You have successfully completed your first spell.” Jenna smiled and her voice became more confident with each word. “We, the Four Elders, would like you three to join us this weekend, October 19th to celebrate. Please dress warmly for it will be held outdoors.”
“Oh my Goddess!” Exclaimed Sienna.
“Shh!” I said.
Jenna continued, “Until then, Elder Young. That’s it, there’s no more.”
“Your mother graded our spell. Oh my Goddess! I don’t believe it!” Sienna screamed.
“Jeez Sienna, could you be any louder?” I said sarcastically.
Author notes
Something that just popped in me head. Let me know what you think.
Edited as of 10/30
1/11/07
In a list
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 26 of 26
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easy reading
Hi Syren, read and enjoyed part one of spell Catcher, it was easy to visulise the three friends as they went about making the spell,also the banter in between was so natural...well done.
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Perhaps a little more elaboration would help the plot but the idea of the story is interesting. A nice start to things but more detailing and description would suit the story better. Otherwise, you have nice beginning and I like how the story centers around the Wiccan theme. Keep on writing!
. Rewarded 4
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Thanks
Hey thanks for reading and commenting. I really need to go back through this it sounds like. I haven't even fixed what the others have pointed out. More description hmmm...think I can handle that.
Again thanks for taking the time to read.
~*Brooke*~
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you have some really great ideas. I love stories like these... what can i say *shrug* i like magick hehehehe guess being Wiccan does that to a person
. Rewarded 4
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Thanks for reading and commenting. I hope that I am making it realistic enough. I don't want to dwell to much on unreal magik and do most earth magik.
Again thanks
~*Brooke*~
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Cool so far
This is very well-written and captivating.
However, some parts of it could be improved upon. Some are small details (such as "jez" should be "jeez"), while others are important mistakes. Such as...
“No!” Came loudly from both."
...should be...
""No!" came loudly from both." (or in fact reworded completely; I don't think it's in the strictest sense correct).
"I'm afraid so." I replied.
...should be...
"I'm afraid so," I replied.
“Well, open it.” Nudged Sienna.
...should be...
"Well, open it," pressed Sienna.
...because I'm pretty sure words cannot nudge a person, although that can be taken in stride and by opinion.
As well as similar mistakes.
[Disclaimer: All edits I make are in my personal opinion and could very easily be wrong; I am no English major.]
. Rewarded 4
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Thank you for taking a look at this. And for pointing out those mistakes. Will this week get on them. If you could would you be willing to go throught the rest and point them out? As I said before I suck at grammar.
Thanks again
~*Brooke*~
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Interesting story
First of all I found the story interesting, lacking in some areas but in general very good.
My main problem was with grammar and spelling, but also the other girl who was going to the party, I think you could have gone into more about why they hated her.
The end of the story was nice, and I liked the way that you verged away from fantasy throughout to make it more realist.
Overall, a job well done.
. Rewarded 4
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Thanks for the read and the comment. If you could point out what was lacking I would appreciate it. This way I can improve on it. As for the spelling got what I could with spellcheck and grammar I suck at so I rely on ppl like you to help with that part too. Anthing you can point out would be very helpful.
Tamara's part in this is explained more in the next couple of chapters I think. Also in there is the reason for the rivalry.
Again thank you.
~*Brooke*~
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nice, nice, nice....very interesting read. starting off with chapter one. Will surely read all one by one. I can imagine this being a novel for young ones. Have you considered that option!
. Rewarded 4
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Thanks for reading and commenting. I have thought about it and if I can make the changes and keep getting the feedback I need I may just finish this one and get it sent out. But thats the future. Right now I'm just trying to improve my craft.
Again thank you for reading.
~*Brooke*~
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Wow! I loved this! It's well written and well organized. You have that special touch for writing about a certain thing, I'm guessing, because this is just amazing! I loved it! Keep writing!
. Rewarded 4
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Thank you for reading and commenting and you are very sweet. I try and that's all anyone can do, I guess. Have more of this if you'd liked to check it out on my authors page.
Thanks again
~Brooke~
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For the adult reader, this isn't as captivating as it could be. There is little detailing to show the entrance to the beginning. I found the peice to be sweet, but not necessarily spell binding. So. I tried an experiment.
I gave the your story to my daugther and her friend. My dauther is 13 and her friend Destiny is nine. Here's what they said about it.
Both enjoyed the story, but Destiny found it something she couldn't put down. She liked that the teacher who graded the spell was one of the girls parent. She is not one that likes to read, so you have a winner with her. She loved it.
Raeni wanted to see if you might include more details as to why the girls are casting the spell, the levels such as star one and two, and she asked about more details to the event. She also asked if you were going to do more on this one.
While the audience is not really for most adults only because of the lack of detailing and complications in scene flow for an older audience, you were a hit with the girls.
(They don't like my stuff) I hope you do continue this. I think it would make an excellent story in book format for their age group. Anything we can do to get them to read is good. I cannot write for a younger audience, but you can. Very nice job.
. Rewarded 4
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Thanks for taking the time to read this and to comment. I don't think I can write for adults really. My strong suit has always been children and young adults so I'd have to agree with you on the first part. I am glad that the two girls liked it. That really makes my day. Please thank them both for me. And tell Reani that I will think upon the levels (star) and see what I can do to add that in there.
Again thank you
~Brooke~
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Strength the conflict component
Well I just finished reading your story Spell Catcher. Thank you for sticking it out there and braving the wonderful world of critiquing. Let me give you my impressions of how this story is developing so far.
> Story/plot lines: I think you have a strong storyline that can support a novel series very well. You have established a strong enough story line and supporting cast of characters to allow you to develop this into a number of directions for creating a series.
> Story Pace/Flow: The flow of the storyline is well designed and executed. It moves well from one scene to another and moves the reader along with it without losing the reader along the way. The pace is well established and moves along at a nice even speed without any bumps or jerks and gives the reader a nice readable pace to digest the story.
> Story Descriptions: The character descriptions are well defined and a good "mental picture" gets developed of all of the characters by the reader. With this comes a feeling of understanding and "seeing" the characters in the story. The scene descriptions are strong and well developed and give the reader a good flavor for where each scene is taking place.
> Story Dialogue: The character dialogue is working well and sounding realistic. The language being used is appropriate to the characters and no one sounds out of place or speaking differently then they should be. The form and format of the dialogue is being used well.
> Story Plotline: The plotline of the story is good and is supportive of the storyline. The conflict component driving the plotline is however a bit weak and not doing its job of moving the plot forward as well as it should be. The conflict between the three girls and Tamora is not staged strong enough. You do a good job of introducing it with your reference to "she" which is very good technique but the reader need more information about the what/wherefore and whys of this conflict. Why are the girls so resent of Tamora and what is some of the history between the groups to explain the existing level of conflict. With the addition of more information in this area the conflict will make more sense and move the story forward better and add more action and suspense to the story.
> Story beginning: The opening to the story is smooth and brings the reader into the story nicely, but there is one major stumbling block for the reader to overcome with the beginning. The reader needs to know how they got to this opening. Setting the scene and staging the opening scene has to have more background information and detailing. The reader gets the sense that Bam here we are at the opening scene of the story and they don’t yet know where they are or how they got there. You have to set-up the opening scene of the story much in the same way as you would set-up a character for presentation to the reader. You have to set-up your scenes like you do your characters and your backgrounds to the scenes. Just as in the case of setting up these other two components when you set-up a scene you have to draw a mental picture for the reader of the "timeframe" picture you are taking them into whenever you open a scene. Just like you tell the reader what this timeframe is from scene to scene like you are doing now with the character changing cloths for instance you have to do this same sort of thing for the opening scene.
Paul
P.S. Just as a little word of advice. Don't feel like you have to bend, fold, and mutilate your story to conform to the types of critiques you are receiving. Just take the advice and make the changes you think are right for you and your story.
. Rewarded 4
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I really appreciate you taking the time to read this and to give such a complex critiquing. I will think hard about what you have said and see if I can incorporate some of your suggestions.
The first chapter I just wanted to catch the attention of the reader and how I started it before my nine year old said was too boring, but I will see what I can do about that. Maybe a little history, hmmm...
The Tamora thing I just threw in there. Think I need to sit down with 'her' and ask her and the girls some questions
Thanks again.
~Brooke~
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What a neat concept. The characters were well developed for a first chapter.
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Thanks. How about the scenery. Someone told me that I didn't describe the room enough. What do you think?
~Brooke~ -
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The room. You described what needed to be. I think in this stage in the story, the only thing that needs to be described about the room would be what feelings it evokes or represents, unless it's going to be an important room (such as where all the spellcasting is done). I got a warm welcome feeling from it, like it was comfortable and familiar to the characters or something. But there was no lack of description where it would be confusing.
-E
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Giggles
This is extremely sweet. I'm loving it. I can picture all of the girls perfectly as well as the manor or possibly castle you described. I can't wait to see what happens next! Please write more if you get the chance. ^_^. Rewarded 4
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Thanks
Thanks for taking the time to read this. I've got four more chapters up already and I should have the next one up today if you'd like to read more.
Again thanks for the read.
~Brooke~
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So Far So Good!
Here goes my attempt at getting caught up on your stuff.. it's been so long since I've taken the time to sit down and just read.. feels good to be doing it again
Intriguing beginning to this one - you've woven in an element of mystery while keeping the characters distinct and introducing some unique ideas. Very fun and easy to read (flows well) - an awesome beginning to what I think is going to be a great series to follow.
I've jotted down some grammatical things I spotted while reading through - maybe we could exchange email addresses or something so it's easier for us to critique each others' work... I hate leaving it as a comment because I shouldn't be getting points for taking examples from your work. IM me if you're interested in exchanging them and I'll e-mail you what I've jotted down for this one.
Becca
. Rewarded 4
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Thanks
Heye thanks for taking the time to read and comment. I have edited this but I haven't gotten it on here yet. I think that's what I'll do right after this lol.
Thanks again.
~Brooke~
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This is an interesting story, im not very good at critiqueing but ill try;
there are a few places where i was confused. -->
"...but it took our whole concentration and gifts..." the wording here...just doesn't sound right for some reason.
"...had the measurements and herbs down and me, and well I’m the strength..." i would have to say the same thing here. just what are you trying to say?
ok to the rest. i think that it is missing a large component --> detail. I dont know where u are. all you say is the room. what does it look like? what is inside it? what do the sister's look like? you describe them but at the same time you dont. maybe you should give us more information. I believe that some of your wording can be improved. either changed to flow better or to give the words more strength and meaning.
but this is good and i hope to read more.
Josh -
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Thanks Josh
And your right I wasn't very detailed about the room and I tried to describe the girls in a different way then I'm used to. Guess it didn't work out. Ok so I'll go back and do what I normally do. I was once told that my detail distracts from the plot (maybe too much detail) and then I was told you can never have too much detail. So as you can see I'm alittle confused about some of it. But your suggestions are good and I shall go back over and see what I can do.
I do really appreciate you taking the time to read this and comment on it.
Thanks again.
~Brooke~
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