The Enchantress

“Sister Jasmine, Sister Bernice, Sister Alexandra please hurry and come!” I look over my shoulder to see if they are coming. “What is it Sister Rosanna?” Sister Bernice kneels down beside me. “Sisters, it is a boy.” Sister Jasmine grabs her dress and runs over to look. “So it is. But what is he doing all the way out here?” Sister Jasmine says while checking his pulse. ‘What could he be doing out here indeed’ I think as I watch Sister Alexandra cast a spell. Then with a flash of purple light sitting in front of her is a small bed. “Sisters help me lift this boy onto the bed. Be careful, he seems weak.” My sisters and I struggle to get him onto the bed but finally accomplish it. “Sister Rosanna, conjure up some clothes for this boy so he will not be nude.” I do as I am told and cast my spell. With a flash of silver light a pair of clothes appears in my arms. I give them to Sister Bernice. “Sister Rosanna, please go back to the castle and go to the medicine cabinet. Bring back a bottle of Orant elixir.” I do as Sister Jasmine tells’ me and evaporate back to the castle. I run up the stairs and into the medical room. I run over to the medicine cabinet and look for the elixir. I see the orange bottle at the back. I grab it and evaporate back to the meadow where my Sisters await my return. Sister Jasmine takes it from my hand and runs back to the boy. I see that Sister Bernice has already dressed him. I walk over and help hold his head up as Sister Jasmine feeds him the Orant elixir. When he swallows that last drop I put down his head. I look around the meadow to make sure no creatures will emerge from the forest around us. I notice fairies flying about above our heads. “Sisters, look up.” I say. My sisters look up and see them also. Sister Alexandra is the first to speak. “That’s odd. Fairies are afraid of humans. They think that we will steal their magic but these just fly above us as if nothing is a miss.” I grab the bottle and put it in my robe. “Sisters let us take him back to the castle. We can put him in the medical room and see if he recovers.” I Look at my Sisters. ‘They always know what to do’ I think. “Come Sisters, take my hand and together we shall transport him.” I reach out for Alexandra’s hand. “Rosanna, I want you to get in the middle with the boy. We want you to make sure he doesn’t disappear during the trip. Besides your still training and this spell is very complicated.” I listen to Sister Jasmine and get in the middle. I kneel beside the boy and put my hand on his head to see if he has a fever. I listen closely as my Sisters begin to chant. I release some of my power in order to put a shield around me and the boy to protect us from mishaps during the transfer. The last thing I see is a fairy flying in front of the shield. 1

When I look up from the boy I see that we are in the main hall. I stand up and brush off my dress. “Sister Rosanna, I want you to go to Vlandors room and tell him to come down to the medical room. We have a patient.” I bow my head to my Sister. “Yes Sister Jasmine.” I walk away while my sisters take the boy to the medical room. ‘Why doesn’t she just call him with her telekinetic powers? I walk down the hall to Vlandors’ room. I still remember when we first met him. He was wandering out in the forest. He said that he had escaped from the Lords Palace. He was arrested for treating the sick without a permit. The second he saw my Sister Jasmine he fell in love. No one but me noticed it. I also noticed that while he stayed with us my Sister Jasmine also began acting strange. I was the only one who knew why .She had fallen in love also. One day I had gone for a walk in the garden when I saw Vlandor. He was staring at a picture of my sister. I walked up behind him quietly. I then said “How does it feel to be in love.” I surprised him, bad thing to because he was sitting on the fountain. He fell back into the water. I helped him out and he wasn’t even mad. In fact he laughed. Ever since then he has become one of my closest friends. I confronted Jasmine with the same question the very same night and she confessed. Ever since then both have told me how they love the other but are too afraid to tell their feelings. Why they tell me I don’t really know. They both say that I am a very good listener, but I think it’s just because they know I won’t tease them like Alexandra or Bernice. I shake my head. I must forget that for now. I knock on the door. I hear footsteps on the other side then the door opens. There is Vlandor looking as cheerful as ever. “Hello Rosanna. Please come in.” I walk through the door. I look around and see it the same just big room with little in it, a bed by the window, and a small lamp on a table in the corner, a closet full of book and clothes, and a beautiful handcrafted desk. I walked over to the desk. I pick up the picture of Sister Jasmine. It is old and she is different in it. Back then all my sisters had raven black hair, but they had all dyed their hair. Bernice had colored it a light blue, Alexandra had it turned to light gold, and Jasmine had colored her hair orange. I was the only one who decided to keep her natural color. But we had the same look. The only differences in is our hair and eyes. Mine are silver like my power light. Bernice’s are green like her power light, Alexandra’s are purple, and Jasmine’s are orange like her power light. “Vlandor, Sister Jasmine said to tell you to come with me to the Medical room. We found a boy out in the forest.” He looks over at me. He grabs a comb and starts to brush his hair. When he finishes he stands up boldly. “How do I look?” He asks. I let out a small laugh. “You look very handsome.” I reply. I don’t know why but it always makes me laugh when ever they try to look their best for each other. They always ask me how they look and I always tell them the same thing. He grabs the door and holds it open. “After you my lady” I walk over to the door. “Thank you very much.” I reply with a curtsy. 2

We laugh all the way down to the Medical room. When we enter the first thing I notice is that both Jasmine and Vlandor freeze at the sight of the other. I cover my mouth so I do not laugh. “So what has happened while I fetched this big fool?” Vlandor stares down at me, Bernice and Alexandra laugh at my remark. “Nothing much, he seems much better then before” I walk over to the bed where he lays. “Have you found out anything about him?” I look up from the boys face to see Alexandra nod her head saying no. “Well let me try.” I place my hand on his forehead and use my powers. Suddenly I’m plunged into his mind. But before I can see anything I feel a wall be put up around his mind. He then sends an attack at me. It strikes my body with such force that it can be seen. I yell out, and with the force so much it throws me back to the opposite wall. I hit the wall and feel a searing pain on my shoulder. I slide down to the ground. I look up to see my Sisters and Vlandor all around me checking to see if I’m unconscious. I feel pain shooting through my whole body. It is hard to breath. I look up again and see Vlandor Pick me up in his arms. I yell out in pain when he moves me. He runs over to a bed and lays me down. I yell out once more from the pain. I can hear my sisters all running about trying to see if I am injured. The last thing I see before I black out is the boy still asleep.3

When I open my eyes I see Jasmine sitting by my side holding my hand. “Sister” I whisper. To be continued….4

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think and be honest.

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    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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Comments

1 - 7 of 7

  • Violet Moodswing Greeters member
    November 25, 2006

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    At first glance, and before actually reading the content, I would say do more paragraph breaks. I say this because when you have a huge chunk of text with no breaks it can be overwhelming to the readers eyes and they will miss a lot of good stuff.

    When writing a story, I have found that it is ok to break into smaller bits than you might assume when writing, say, an essay. A lot of the conversation can be broken into individual paragraphs just for clarity and ease of reading.

    You might also consider writing in past tense rather than present. Again, it is just easier for the reader to grab hold of your meaning.

    All that said, I like your fantasy approach, though I realize that for some this might not seem fantasy at all

    It makes for an interesting and entertaining read. It is light but serious all in the same box. I quite enjoyed the story even with the long paragraphs and look forward to future episodes.

    For the purpose of the contest, you might want to make a couple of notes in you authors notes explaining your take on the contest topic. I can certainly see how it ties into a theme of giving thanks, what with babies being born, love etc, but it is always good policy to tie a story into contest criteria clearly, especially when you take a bit of a creative and indirect approach to it.

    I think you really have a good start to many interesting chapters with unlimited twists and turns along the way.

    I enjoyed reading it even with the long paragraphs

    Best of luck in the contest and welcome to StoryWrite.

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 3, ending: 5, dialog: 3, characters: 4.


  • Kari gold member
    November 20, 2006

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    Good Luck

    This was really good. You left the story hanging. I like that part with it being like a mystery and leaves the mind racing as to what will happen next. The best of luck to you in the contest
    Kari

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.


  • Token Massacre silver member
    November 7, 2006
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    conversations are easier to understand when broken up. it helps to distinguish between who is actually talking. I'm not entirely sure what this has to do with thanksgiving or being thankful for something. So I found that part confusing. Is there a way you can incorporate that into the story or perhaps make it more clear? While this is an enjoyable story filled with good conversation I didn't find much in the detail side of it.
    More about the where and when would be great


  • TheLittleOne-Paul
    November 6, 2006
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    Should have been removed

    Your contest entry absolutely missed each and every one of the contest criteria set down for entering the contest. If it were not for the fact that the entire purpose of this new members contest is to provide you with a learning environment your entry would have simply been removed from the contest. There is an appearance here that either the entrance requirements were not read or seriously misunderstood.

    Please keep in mind for your future contest admissions, that most contests are set-up with specific areas that the host of the contest is trying to encourage the development of and if your submission does not at least appear to meet these requirements you may get bounced from the contest completely I would suggest that you take this opportunity to consider reading the SW Greeters Group Information column on Contests for further guidance and participation in contests on the site in the future.

    Now let me give you some of my own personal impressions on your story.

    > One of the first things that your reader will do when considering whether or not to read a story is to examine its outward appearance. If it appears to excessively long and hard to read they will not even start the read. One of the biggest factors that contribute to a story’s negative appearance is the use of great big huge and long paragraphs. This gives the reader the impression the story is going to be long and hard to read. This is something your story has. You tell your story over the length of just three really big paragraphs. This gives your story the appearance of being long and difficult to read. I would suggest you chop down these three huge existing paragraphs into at least three or four smaller paragraphs for each of the bigger ones.

    > One of the biggest things that will get your reader bored real quickly and cause them to loose interest in a story is the repetitive use of the same words/phase/thoughts over and over and over again. Your story is just filled with…sister this, sister that, sister stop, you are boring me to death. I would suggest that once you have established the characters for the first time as sisters that you just loose the sister title altogether.

    > Something that readers get tripped up on all the time that causes them to loose interest is when something does not ring true according to what they know about a character or a story. A very good example of this is something that appears in your story a number of times. For instance, you have established your characters as having special powers, yet you keep having them do mundane human type chores, that leave the reader saying to themselves-why doesn’t she just zip there and back? This happens several times in the story and after awhile it becomes very distracting.

    Overall the storyline has good potential and you can get some good reads from it.

    Paul


  • Blut Rot
    October 24, 2006
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    Very good

    This story is very good. Keep up the good work. I am moving on to the second part now.


  • LostSoulOfRage
    October 17, 2006

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    this is a very good start, i like it.

    but u might want to add more paragraphs.

    but other thn that i thought it was really good, i enjoyed reading it.

    cant wait to read more.

    keep it up, great job!


    • WiThOuTaSoUl34
      October 23, 2006
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      hey

      thanxs for the good review i really thought that people would think it was dumb i have the second part so try to find it
      -Gabby

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