Rain

Rain ran over flat, unrecognizable landscape. The grass was green and soft, under her bare feet. Her long black hair swung behind her, her dress rippling in the wind. Looking back, Rain saw something following her. It was a dragon! Immediately, Rain ran faster, trying to escape from the terror coming up behind her. Her breath caught in her chest and she collapsed, unable to run another step. The dragon loomed over her, his bright eyes flashed and it seemed he was smiling. And just as he bent his head down....1

Rain sat up suddenly, gasping for breath, sweat on her brow. She had had the dream again, the same dream that she had been having for months. It had a dragon, a great brute of a thing with bright coals for eyes and a shiny, sleek black body. Every time, it was exactly the same; the dragon coming up behind her and chasing her, her being scared out of her wits....2

'I have to tell someone about this,' Rain shook as she got up and got herself a drink of water to calm her nerves. 'Who?' Rain thought for a moment. 'I can't tell just anyone. Most would laugh at me. But the elders would be upset. They are so superstisious, they'd probably run me out of town! I need someone that I can talk to, really talk to!'
Rain glanced at the forms of her sleeping family. She could see her mother and father sleeping in their bed, her father snoring loud enough to wake the dead. Her two younger sisters shared their bed by the window while Peter, Rain's older brother slept on the floor on a cot. Rain thought momentarily about telling Peter, but then shook her head. 'He won't believe you.' She told herself.3

Rain went to stand by the window, careful not to wake her sisters. Looking out, her eyes suddenly lit on an old hut a little way down the road and just out of the village. "Marian!" Rain breathed.4

Marian was the village's herb woman. She knew which herbs would cure a stomachache, which could bring down a fever and even which ones would stop you from hurling up your breakfast! She was also said to have the second sight. 'Maybe she'll know something about my dreams,' Rain thought.5

Quickly, Rain pulled on her boots and a shawl over her dressing gown before running out the door, making sure to close it quietly behind her. Then, without looking back, Rain ran down the winding, twisting path that led to Marian's house a little less than half a mile away.6

When she finally arrived at the wisewoman's house, Rain was out of breath again. Bending down, holding her knees, Rain knocked on the door, not even thinking that the poor woman was probably still asleep.7

At first, no one answered the door, but when Rain knocked again, the door was opened by the old woman who, even though her hair had gone white and her face was lined, was still beautiful.8

"What?" she snapped.9

Rain fell back a step, surprised at the harshness in the old woman's usually gentle tone. Suddenly, she seemed to notice where she was and how dark it was outside. Immediately her cheeks flamed and she looked at her feet.10

"I-I'm sorry Marian," she stammered, not sure what else to say.11

Marian seemed to have noticed Rain's sudden 'awakening'. Her face softened and she stopped back from the door, pulling her own shawl tighter around her. "Why don't you come in Rain?" Marian offered.12

Rain nodded and came in, still confused.13

Marian led the way to the kitchen table where she sat Rain down while she made both of them a cup of tea. Bringing the tea to the table, Marian sat down opposite Rain and handed her the tea. "Now darling, tell me what brought you here to my house in the dead of night."14

Rain blushed again and looked down at the mug in her hand. "Well, for a while now I've been having these terrible dreams. Finally, when I woke up tonight after the latest dream, I couldn't handle it anymore and I had to tell someone! And I decided that you were the only one who I could tell because people say that you have the second sight. I thought that you might...understand."
"And you were thinking that your dream means something?" Marian asked kindly.15

Rain nodded. "Yes, but I guess I should have waited for morning. I'm sorry, I guess I was still caught up in the dream when I woke up." Rain admitted.16

Marian thought for a moment. Rain was usually a dependable, sturdy girl and not many things upset her or caused her to lose her cool.
"Why don't you tell me what this dream was about?" she suggested, squeezing Rain's hand gently.17

Rain nodded and took a sip of tea. Gently, she placed the mug back on the table. Taking a deep breath, Rain began.18

to be continued...19

In a list

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think. and it ends so abruptly because i am getting kicked off the comp, lol

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Comments

1 - 7 of 7

  • Hellcat Metal
    August 18, 2008

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    That was an interesting read. You've got yourself a good story here, with a plot that seems that it can indeed go somewhere good. Keep up the good work. Thanks for entering the contest!


  • Amelia-Anne-Black
    April 18, 2007

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    hmm... this needs work, for sure. The plot is good. You should expand (and finish, of course) the details and, even though it takes a while, make it longer. Take that dream and make is so scary, so gripping that the readers wont be able to stop reading. Make us feel like we're experiencing the dream too. Another thing, probably explain why she needs to tell someone so badly and why she needs advice before launching into her searching for someone. It's confusing. Make her have that feeling before she even looks around or thinks about the dream.

    Details are crucial in a fantasy story.

    Good begining! keep going! Thanks for entering my contest.

  • Munda
    November 4, 2006

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    Please, do continue!

    Personally I enjoy your style of writing... how you add more information every line... enough to make me curious, but not too much. I'm looking forward to see this story develop. Btw, should 'stopped' be 'stapped'in par. 12 line 2?

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 4, ending: 4, characters: 4.


  • February Moon
    October 19, 2006
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    You have improved this story so much since I last read it. I see it says "to be continued..." I can't wait to read what happens next.


  • Token Massacre silver member
    October 18, 2006

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    The grass was green and soft, her feet bare. [I'd rearrange the wording here The grass was green and soft under her bare feet.]
    Immediately, Rain ran faster, trying to escape from the terror coming up behind her. She ran for about five minutes, barely stopping for breath.[repetitive you can combine them, Immediately, Rain ran faster, trying to escape from the terror coming up behind her, barely stopping for breath.]
    Rain woke up![put into the next paragraph]
    you wrote the word "dream" 4 times in that paragraph can you reword it? The last sentence is unnecessary in that paragraph. You've already said she's had the same dream for months.
    a little over ten minutes away.[this is olden times I'm assuming, minutes don't matter try miles]

    The changes you made were amazing! the details filled in the story more fully. The only problems that I saw left were structural. Otherwise a flawless piece. Please continue with this, I'd love to know why the dragon is haunting her.

  • February Moon
    October 17, 2006
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    I agree with Totem, give her some time to think of who. Revelations don't happen that fast. And again, I agree with Totem, you should add more things. When the dreams started, where Marian lives, a bit more on Marian's character, and a lot more about Rain. Please continue on this, as you said, it stropped abruptly because you were kicked off the computer. This story has so much promise, best of luck in my contest.

    beginning: 3, language: 4, plot: 2, ending: 1, dialog: 3, characters: 3.

  • Token Massacre silver member
    October 16, 2006
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    Who...Marian!!'2 I'd break this up. Have her think for a moment before the name comes to her.
    describe the time of day ..before sunrise? the middle of the night?
    how far was it? across the village? just outside the village?
    This has so much promise. When did the dreams start? you've got a great opening in the first paragraph to tell about the first dream and how they differed, you could even do that when she's talking to the woman. Intesting idea. I hope you're going to continue with this.
    Why does she feel that people would avoid her because of a dream. does she live alone? what's the age of the girl Rain? is she with family?
    please continue with this I'd love to know what happens

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