A Modern Waiting Game

A Modern Waiting Game1

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“We were once so close, so inseparable. Yes, we had our ups and downs, but what friends didn’t? What really mattered to us back then was spending time together, being able to laugh together, cry together. It seems funny thinking back on it now, how we met, how we grew closer and everything that led up to this very moment. So much has changed and yet as I think about this I am bombarded with thoughts of how similar everything is. Strange, that I can’t say whether everything is different or if everything is the same nearly twenty years on from then. But doesn’t that just typify us? We were an anomaly floating through our youths bought together by fate and held together by circumstance. 3

“How could it ever change?” She’d asked me one day as we lay next to our tent in a field looking up at the stars. “We’re so insignificant when you look up there don’t you think?”4

I can remember even now the emotion, the determination and awe in her voice.5

“I know it’s truly amazing. Like a blanket that’s wrapped around us” I’d replied tiredly.6

“Very poetic” She’d mused, then seriously, “I’ll be there one day, no sorry, we’ll be there one day. What do you say?” She asked looking directly up.7

“Sounds great,” I said, “We’ll try to aim for that then.”8

We lay there in silence for another hour after that letting the sounds of the nearby woods wash over us. There was no need to be macho, no need to show off, no need even to make a sound. We were content merely to be in each other’s presence. That was the time when we were happy, when we were…together.9

Tears fill my eyes as I remember that time.10

How I miss those days.11

We’d been in the same primary school but as we’d been in different classes hadn’t really had a chance to get to know each other. It was only later when we’d gone to high school that things began to change for both of us. The first time we actually talked we were in the same science class and she was sitting directly behind me. She wasn’t overly popular and all I knew about her was that she tended to keep herself to herself or at least that’s what I’d deduced. You have to understand I wasn’t the person I am now back then. Back then –displaying typical teenage behaviour really- I tried so hard to fit in and become one of the gang. As a result when we were paired up to work together I wasn’t best pleased and kicked up a childish fuss. Some of the things I said and the way I treated you back then hurt me even now. Still as I showed off I was secretly beginning to feel something stirring deep inside as I looked at her and had a few cursory discussions. It was purely a superficial thing that I was developing, the sort of thing most teenagers go through hundreds of times, but it was enough to prompt me to do what I did next.12

After the incident in the science class we weren’t in the same class for a few days. I began to feel guilty by the way I had acted before and felt I had to make it up to her in some way. But the question was when and how to apologise and not open myself up to jibes from my friends? I spent hours thinking of the best time and then thinking of reasons not to do it. As time passed and I got more desperate I decided that I didn’t mind taking the jibes for a while. Eventually fate stepped in and presented me with the perfect, inescapable opportunity.13

“About before” I’d said somewhat nervously as we had headed down the stairs to fetch some stationary for the class we were in. “I’m really sorry, you have to understand I don’t hate you and in fact I don’t even know you. I mean I’d like to…get to know you I mean. Anyway, I’m so sorry.”14

She turned and looked at me with a suspicious look on her face then looked straight ahead sill holding that look. When she didn’t immediately reply I turned and studied her face as she took in what I’d said. My words had clearly taken her aback and it was taking her a moment to think of a reply. She was a lot prettier close up than I had at first thought. Her smooth looking skin was a tender light brown and her dark hair was short and hung around her shoulders. All her features were delicate and looked like they would easily beak. Her eyes were a deep brown and it was only when she turned around to look at me that I realised how it must have looked me staring at her like that. Still she didn’t let it faze her.15

“Nah, forget about it. I appreciate it must be hard for you if you’re sensitive about what other people think.” She spoke quickly yet quietly and softly.16

“You’re right. Pathetic I know.” We strode down the stairs my words reverberating around the deserted stairwell.17

“You shouldn’t be so hard on yourself.” She’d said as we got to the bottom of the stairs. “None of us are perfect”18

“I’ve been thinking about it for a while and I felt I had to apologise” I laced my words with guilt to try and drive the point home.19

We left the stairs at the ground floor and entered the old dusty stationary cupboard. Inside someone had left an old classical acoustic guitar covered in chalk dust propped up against some shelves. I’ll always remember as she picked it up and played the most beautiful tune I had ever heard. It was like a melancholy tinkling sound that had a deeper depth to it and could have bought me to tears. As I remember now it seems funny to have such a beautiful person playing such a heartbreaking song.20

“You’re really good,” I’d said genuinely impressed.21

“Thanks, I’ve been practicing it for weeks,” She’d replied putting it down. “Do you play?”22

“Yeah” I’d replied, “I’ve played for a few months. I’d play something but the teacher will moan if we’re not back soon.”23

“No, just play something.” She prompted.24

“Ok” I said picking it up.25

I strummed a few chords then tried to play some basic tune I’d been working on. Seemingly she was impressed.26

“You’re pretty good yourself.” She’d said, “But I guess we should get going” 27

“You’re right. Like I said about before I’m really sorry.”28

“Forget about it.” She’d said then went on rather nervously, “Look…erm…a couple of us are heading into town at the weekend and I was wondering if you’d like to come? I ask purely because you said you said you didn’t know me and to be honest I don’t know much about you either.”29

“Sure, I’ll go if it doesn’t intrude” I’d replied eagerly happy that things had gone better than I’d expected.30

We looked at each other and exchanged shy smiles looking away as soon as our eyes met.31

“Right,” She’d said. “I’ll let you know the details later.”32

We chatted about this and that on the way back but nothing important.33

That was the first time I’d been in a deep conversation with a girl and had lost all track of time. Before I knew however it we were back in the classroom.34

Looking back on it years later I can say that that was the beginning of what we later had.35

The rest of the week I’d looked forward to the weekend and when it came around I made sure I was early. For some reason her friends stood her up at the last moment but even so you came out and the two of us, near strangers, went into town. It was great and we spent most of our time in deep conversation, each marvelling at the things we had in common. We went to the cinema and found that we talked most of the way through it much to the annoyance of those around us, and left about halfway through. She later told me that she’d worried about what we would talk about when her friends weren’t going to be there but that she was relieved to find how well we’d connected. As we walked up and down the streets we’d stopped to watch a television that had a crowd of people around it. For the next few minutes we watched as the news presenter said sternly that the war had broken out in the outer ring of colonies. Ironic really that a war that would kill millions and that would affect us so deeply began on such a happy day, don’t you think?36

When I think back on that weekend I can’t actually remember a better time in my life. For the first time I felt free and able to say what I wanted, do what I wanted. She quickly became like my closest friend in those two days. On the Sunday we’d arranged to go camping in the field where she talked about wanting to go into space. There we were able to learn more about each other. I remember being nervous in case she wanted to move the relationship on to a more physical nature as I didn’t have a clue what t do. However, she didn’t and everything went brilliantly. Really we just talked but it was the sort of talk that when you look up at the clock you realise that four hours have passed.37

In a normal relationship between a boy and girl we would have ended up going out with each other and then who knows…but for us it was different somehow. We talked about making the relationship formal in the eyes of the schoolyard and eventually agreed that we would. However, as we lay in that field looking up at the stars it became apparent to both of us that what we had felt like something more than the typical high school relationship even from this early stage. I’m not saying we knew it was special immediately but we could both sense that it was different somehow.38

We’d gone on like this for the rest of high school and our relationship developed to be so strong we eventually drove all our other friends away. In classes we sat together, helped each other, talked with each other and laughed with each other. I know even the teachers had commented to each other behind our backs but we didn’t care. We were together and that was all that mattered. Eventually both alone in the world we stuck together and changed each other in ways neither of us would every have imagined. I no longer cared about what people thought. She was more out going and found a new found confidence. She’d once told me, “apart we were so weak and pitiful in our own ways, but that together we were strong like a brick wall and could stand up to anything”. 39

But alas it wasn’t to last.40

We left high school and attended the same university straight away to avoid the draft. I went to do Industrial Planning and she went to do Quantum Physics. We moved into a flat and worked so we could stay together even though the price financially was near crippling. However, I would be lying if I said I wasn’t worried if we would drift apart in our new environment. However, our new surroundings bought us together closer than we were before and even though we shared none of the same classes we were able to make time to spend together. Sure we had friends but they came a long way behind spending time with each other.41

I’ll always remember the little routine we got into on Wednesday lunch times. I finished a few minutes earlier than she did and would go and pick her up on my bike. I’d found this old bike shed and it was here that we would eat our lunch and discuss what we’d done. One particular time due to the climate alterations the sun was setting at lunch time and in its dying state showered us with a beautiful orangey red light. She’d been on the back of the bike when she’d stopped and pointed up at the sky.42

“Look at that.” She’d said in awe.43

I looked up and saw it. A huge spacecraft was being launched silhouetted on the picturesque background.44

“It’s incredible” I’d, said stopping the bike to get a better view.45

“It sure is” She spoke quietly like she was struggling to take the sight in. “What is it?”46

“It’s the…”I tried to remember its name. “The EA Baptista I think”47

“Amazing” 48

“Beautiful” I’d countered.49

“No that’s me.” She said pinching my arm softly and laughing.50

I don’t know why that sticks in my mind so much but it does. 51

Still things had to change. There came a time when we were apart a lot of the time. We both had to spend time away as part of out coursework. The time passed slowly and suddenly we both realised how much time we were spending apart. I assume from what I’ve seen and heard that a normal couple would have drifted apart bribed by the new found freedom the single life bought. But we didn’t. While we were apart we both missed each other. It wasn’t the sort of distress that comes when two people infatuated with each other are separated it was a deeper feeling than that. For me it felt like my world was changing and I didn’t really know what to do. I’m sure she would have laughed at this for being childish but you have to understand I had never been with anyone else and I guess in certain ways I was still very naive. Eventually though when we were both back in the flat we settled back into life the way it had being before. One day though we had gone for a walk in the local park and this heralded the beginning of the end.52

“We’ve not being spending much time together lately have we?” She’d said as we walked through the park on our way to the movies.53

“I know, but we both knew that things might change.” I replied.54

We walked hand in hand enjoying the sunlight that landed on our faces.55

“I didn’t think they would change this much though,” She said the clearly struggling for words went on, “Look I have to tell you something, it’s important.”56

“Ok, we’ll stop on one of the benches for a while so you can tell me” I said putting my arm around her.57

I’d never seen her like this before and she seemed actually to be shaken. We sat on one of the benches away from the majority of people. Tears ran down her face and over her cute delicate features. My heart missed a beat as I looked at her. I’d never seen her like this.58

“What is it?” I asked my voice full of concern.59

“You…you know how they…No…Well.” She stammered.60

“Take your time we’re in no rush,” I offered.61

What was wrong with her? My heart raced as possibilities flooded into my mind.62

“I love you,” She blurted, “For so long I’ve known it. I just don’t, no, didn’t want anything to change.”63

“I love you too,” I said trying to hug her but she pulled away.64

“You don’t get it. It’s never going to be the same again and it’s all my fault” She was in floods of tears.65

“Things change you said that yourself, so long as we have each other.” I said trying to calm her.66

“No things will never be the same again, you see…I’ve been drafted.”67

“Drafted?” I questioned.68

“The wars not going well and they want me to go and work on a development project on Mars.” She was clearly beyond consoling but I had to try.69

“Mars” I said to myself. “Mars.”70

“Mars in space” She blurted, “It’s for years they don’t know exactly how many yet.”71

I thought about it for a while staring into space and letting the words sink in. This couldn’t be happening, could it? The draft was for people who weren’t in education, wasn’t it? That music she had played on the guitar that day back at school began ring in my mind.72

“Say something” She said, “You’ve got to say something”73

My bottom lip began to tremble slightly and I took a deep breath.74

“You’ve got to go for it,” I said quietly.75

“You don’t sound convinced,” She said wiping her eyes. “I could stay, I could object”76

“What and ruin your life. Ruin it for me.” I said sternly.77

“But…” She said through her tears.78

“I’ll always remember that time when we went camping and you said you wanted to go to space. Well now you’ll have your chance.” I said my heart sinking. I’d never said anything so hard before.79

“Thank you,” She said hugging me.80

My head felt like it was spinning as I tried to understand what was happening.81

“Erm…when do you leave?” I asked.82

“I go for induction and training in a fortnight.”83

“A fortnight!” I exclaimed. “Damn how long have you known about it?”84

“Only since last week”85

“And what do you want to do?” I asked.86

“I don’t want to leave you but…” She trailed off.87

“Shh, just go I don’t want to stand in your way. Plus you don’t really have much of a choice.”88

We took a lot of time off classes for the next week while we spent more and more time together. It was a strange feeling knowing that we wouldn’t see each other for years. You have to understand we spent more time together than we did with anybody else. Still, when the day came we were both caught up by emotion.89

“I’ll be in contact. Keep your phone on all the time.” She’d said as she’d disappeared through the customs department of the airport. “I love you.”90

The last time I saw her face before she went into space she was holding back tears.91

I left the airport quietly trying to keep my dignified. I’d lost my soul mate, my lover, and my best friend.92

I went home and locked myself in my room. My flat mates came one by one to try and help me but there was nothing they could do. I felt like a piece of me was missing. I didn’t know just how much she meant to me. Don’t get me wrong I knew she meant a lot but I didn’t know that not having her around would affect me so much.93

I heard from her two weeks after she’d left. The tell tale sound of my mobile phone receiving a text message gave her away was from her and read:94

“Hi there. I’m going up soon. Wars going badly need to start work. I’d call but text is best and most convenient. Having fun and hope you’re happy. If your not happy then take happiness knowing that I am happy to be doing what I wanted to do but not to be away from you. It will be a while before I can write again but I’ll try to write regularly. I love you and don’t forget me.”95

I hit replied instantly.96

“I’m learning to live without you but I’m pleased you’re happy. Text me often and we’ll still be close enough. The Dean put out a paper today saying that we are no longer immune from the draft. I’m scared but as I think about it maybe it would be good as I’d be closer to you. How could I forget you my friend, my lover, my soul mate. I look forward to your next message.”97

From then I spent a large chunk of everyday looking at my phone waiting for it to beep and a new message to be there but there never was. Everyday I would be greeted by the same message. 98

No message. 99

I didn’t hear anything from her for three whole months. In those three months I scrapped through university and generally moped about. More and more of my friends would disappear to the front and occasionally flowers would be laid out across the main gate and the long list of university casualties in the foyer would get longer and longer. The stream of students into the university was stopped to all but the very best intellectually and as a result it was eerily quiet. I began to worry when a group of lecturers were sent to the front line. I thought they at least would get jobs in science or something but now we were losing and we were desperate. I still couldn’t believe she was gone. I sometimes felt as desperate as the government and I had to hold back the tears every time I saw something that reminded me of her.100

“The mission has being bought forward. I leave in a week. From now on my messages will take longer to arrive. I miss you,” She’d said in an incomplete text. It was obvious that a lot of it had been cut out by intelligence officers and as a result out of a full page of text this was all I could decipher.101

I replied but now I can’t remember what I said. I was too elated to remember. She was alright! She remembered me. This was all I needed to keep me going. I suddenly did everything at one hundred per cent again. For university though it was too late and my slightly poor attendance and some uncompleted course work saw me expelled. I left and worked at the local super market waiting for the draft to come and eat me up. As a result I moved out of the flat and got my own place.102

I read on the Internet that her project was successful but that it would take months before her project bore fruit. I guessed I have to wait for her to get in contact from now on. I was content once more.103

Still I waited for her to get in contact with me. Days turned into weeks, weeks into months and then months into years. I’d watch the news and seen the battles that had taken place around Mars and worried with every report. Was she alive? Was she…? Thoughts like this terrorised me and stopped me from sleeping. I tried to send messages to her but only managed to get myself a visit from intelligence officers who politely told me that trying to get in contact with members of the military was illegal unless it was in reply to a message sent from them. This must have got me on the military radar and the next day I was drafted. On the top of the letter I received it read “Infantry”. My heart raced as I read it. I had to go the barracks tomorrow and would receive a month of training and then would be deployed. Infantry…why couldn’t I have been in the support staff? I’d be even further away from her. What could I do? While there was a chance of seeing her I had to go. I had to do all I could to protect her if she is still alive. No she is alive but I’ll do what I can to protect her.104

As if she knew the phone beeped. Immediately I put the letter down and ran to the phone.105

“Hi, I’m fine. We had a close shave a few months ago but I’m fine. Can’t say much very busy. Still thinking of you my love.”106

Short and to the point, just like her. I hit reply and told her that I had been drafted. I went on to tell her about everything that had happened doing my best to sugar coat everything as not to upset her. I miss her more with every message I received but I didn’t blame her for the length between messages. From Mars using the system the military forced us to use it took a good part of a year to arrive on Earth. God, it took a year. We were a year apart. I felt my stomach wrench and then broke down in tears. Why is she gone? Why? We’d made so many plans and now we were a year apart.107

The next day I went to the training centre along with another hundred or so draftees. It was a joke. We were taught how to use a gun and how to march about and stand in formation. Tactical training took up a whole afternoon and we spent most of our time we spent watching videos or on the shooting range. We spent some time working on fitness and it was obvious that we all needed a lot longer to get up to anything like fit. The whole thing was a joke and as I looked around at the recruits in my class I wondered how many would survive. Would I survive? I had to so I could see her again. I was no soldier. I didn’t even know what I was going to fight for or against. Were we on the right side? Were we the aggressors? I didn’t know. Does it really matter for the likes of me? 108

On the passing out parade we were seen off by a group of veterans who told us what we were going to do would be greatly remember by future generations. As they spoke I noticed none of them looked overly convinced by what they saw in us and in what they were saying. All the time I was training I was waiting for the next message to arrive from her but it didn’t. After a while I started making promising to myself not to look for messages but everyday I’d break them. It’s so hard to let go. 109

A whole year passed before I received the next message. I’d been sent to a home defence unit when they thought Earth would be invaded and it was just before they were going to send us off to join the counter attacks that I got the message. When it came my heart leapt but not like it would have done before. Part of my work involved helping the casualties in the hospital and some of the things I’d seen had changed me deep down. I wasn’t the person she’d fallen in love with. To survive I’d had to toughen up. My heart was cold, uncaring the way it had once been. Still I was happy to see her message. I knew she was alive because in the military I was able to see the casualty lists and every time they were updated I’d look at them. Anyway the message read:110

“I’m been posted to Centuri Uranus. It’s a long way from Earth - eight light years actually- and even further from the front. By the time you read this I’ll already be there. I’m so sorry. Messages to Earth will take eight and a half years at least from now on. I can’t believe it. Such a distance says to me that it is too far. It was my twenty fifth birthday today. No time to celebrate it though. Kept very busy. I struggle to work though as I am constantly reminded of you. If only we were together. How are you finding the infantry? Stay alive. Let me know my love. Don’t forget.”111

Centuri Uranus. Eight and a half years between messages. Oh my god! Such a long distance may as well be forever. I was shaken more than I’d expected I would be. How long would it be before I saw her again? I’d thought I could see her or me closer to her but this was awful news. She said it was her twenty fifth birthday. Mine had been six years previously. We were even aging differently. Would she recognise me? Space-time was a lot slower than here on Earth and it was something that I’d completely overlooked. If I didn’t get into space soon I’d be dead by of old age before she was fifty. My heart sank as I boarded the transport with the other draftees. No one asked how I was. Truth was we all felt bad and as I kept telling myself these people would be leaving people behind. Still it didn’t stop the pain. I could take some solace that the war would be over soon. 112

The whole two-month journey I thought of how to reply and eventually decided to come straight with her and told her I was going to the front line. I told her about what I’d been doing and that I both loved and missed her. Most of it would be cut out by intelligence but I didn’t care it helped just to write it.113

We were sent to the front on a far off planet called New Turinia where the fighting was the most intense. I’d studied the casualty reports onboard the transport and saw that the planet was a graveyard for our side. Could I survive the carnage and get back to her? For the first time I began to have doubts. Not about whether I would survive or not, but if she’d recognise me. For the last four years all we’d seen of each other was the bedside pictures and the texts that went back and forth through the abyss that separated us. 114

When we landed I was taken aback by the share amount of carnage. Millions had died here and even the air smelt of death. I held onto my weapon with one had and kept met phone close by. From the transports we were taken to the front line. Talk about being thrown in at the deep end. The positions looked like something from the old First World War films. Bodies were everywhere, death ready to reach out and touch me at any given minute. For the first time in years I didn’t think about her for hours and even days at a time. Still though when I had a moment I would take out her picture and remember that weekend or a hundred other moments we shared. I took to life at the front quite well and was happy to have something to take the mine off my aching heart. I was assigned to a good squad of twelve that was split about fifty-fifty between sixteen year olds and the over thirties. So many of them would die before the end. However, while we occupied the bunkers we were shelled and fired on from orbit a few times but it was a relatively quiet part of the line. Nevertheless when my squad took our first casualty – a female kid aged seventeen – we were all shaken up. I’d never seen death before. As she died we all huddled round trying to help her but we couldn’t.115

“Mum, momma, momma is that you?” She’d moaned as the last ebbs of life had left her broken body.116

This was death. This was what I had to avoid. I’ll be honest when I say I found a corner and cried after that. Would I ever see my love again? Was I being selfish? I didn’t know. All I know is that I have to try and stay alive now more than ever. Than I decided I’d hand my phone into the quartermaster so I could concentrate on my buddies. Anyway it wouldn’t be at least another…I didn’t know how long it would be before I got the next message. If it was eight years to Earth it must be…about twenty years. Scary huh? Eight years may as well have been a lifetime.117

I handed the phone to the quartermaster but was shocked when he handed it me back.118

“Hold onto this son” He’d said, “Order to attack is coming in next couple of days.”119

Attack. This was it. When I got back everybody already knew that in two days we would go over the top and at the positions we could see a mile away. I’ve never been so nervous as I felt then. My heart raced and I have to admit I thought of deserting. At least if I deserted I would be alive. However, if I could help end this war and reunite us I would have to. But I stayed my friends needed me right now. My love would have to come second. If I weren’t at the races then I would end up dead and all would be lost. We watched in awe as the shelling began from orbit of the enemy positions a mile away over the rough wasteland. Plooms of dust and debris flew up high into the sky in the distance. More and more strange faces began to make their way into the frontline until it was hard to move. Enemy artillery thundered into us. Our frontline was pulverised. With each explosion I could see bodies being thrown up into the air. Insides splattered us all and screams permeated the air between the explosions. Hundreds died around me yet somehow I was fine. I looked around and saw my squad was intact.120

When the day came we stood in our bloodied trench looking forward to escape them. I’d taped the picture of you across my heart so you’re always close and squeezed the phone into my grenade pocket. I also wrote a letter:121

“My love,122

If you are reading this then I am dead. Know that I did my duty and tried to help those around me. I never stopped thinking about you all the time. What I’ve seen what I’ve witnessed would change any and I fear I am not the person you remember. Still I think back on that time you told me you’d been drafted and the pain we felt and then it occurs to me that that is all we have left. Our memories are all we have left of each other. If you are reading this then it’s too late for me. I want you to be happy though. Move on if you can. Remember I never knew the feeling I feel for you could be so strong. I love you more than the blanket of stars anything else. Remember that if I died I did so thinking about you.”123

“Right, you go first” The platoon leader had said screaming over the sounds of the shelling and pointing to an older man in our squad then pointing to a young girl who looked about thirteen “then you” 124

Their faces were full of fear. I bet mine looked the same. If I survive I’m never leaving her again I thought. I must survive. My eyes began to water and tears ran through the dirt on my face. I was remembering a time when we had gone flat hunting and she had given up the one she wanted so I could have the one I wanted. At the time it seemed a small gesture of good will but now it seemed like the biggest deal ever. She loved me. I must get through this and tell her I love her again. I was suddenly taken the urge to tell her in person how much I loved her. From inside my pocket I pulled out a picture of her I had. It was of a time when we were happy. We had gone on holiday and were posing on top of a tall gazebo. Behind us the sea was only a slightly darker blue than the sky. She looked happy and her hair blew up in the slight breeze. We were arm in arm. A voice in my head said I would and I was able to smile slightly though my deep breathes. I reached into my pocket and bought out the phone. Turning it on I could see that the screen read, “You have no mail”. The same message I got so used to since she’d been taken.125

Then it began the signal to attack. Everything seemed to happen in slow motion as all up the line people climbed out of the trenches. The sound was defining and I watched as the young girl got to the top of the ladder and vanished from sight. The older man went next but when he got to the top I saw a bullet hit him in the head and send his corpse back into the trench. Running purely on autopilot I put the phone back in my pocket and put my hand over my heart.126

“I’ll see you again my love I promise” I swore.127

Another five went over the top before I went. All seemed to have made it all right apart from the older man. With each step I repeated her name until I got to the top. All those who had gone previously lay dead a few metres in front of the trench. Up ahead over the desolate rugged landscape I could see bodies and to either flank soldiers rushing out of the trenches. It was a murder. I kept running forward ever forward. In my mind the sound of the guitar song began to play.128

The Platoon commander called something obscured by explosions from ahead of me.129

When I was next conscious of what I was doing I could see the enemy positions only a hundred metres ahead. I was going to make it. Suddenly though I was flying. So light and so agile like a bird. A shell went off a few metres away throwing me sideways. I passed out as I hit the hard floor.130

When I came to I was lying in a pool of my own blood propped up against a rock. I looked round but was overcome with pain and passed out again. However, before I passed out I was able to a few soldiers firing at the enemy positions all hiding behind the same rock. The next time I came to I was in the same place, this time though I was alone and there was silence. All the soldiers I’d seen previously were gone. I looked back the way I come from and saw a field full of bodies. Am I still alive? I am still alive. After a moment I tried to move but couldn’t. A quick glance at my body showed I was in a bad way. I’d lost a lot of blood and I was conscious enough to know that if I didn’t move or get rescued I would die. Moving was out of the question so I’d have to wait to be rescued which would probably be when the next wave attacked. So I waited.131

I waited for hours and the day turned into dusk. By now I was only semi conscious. I’d tried to stem the bleeding but with not much success. It began to dawn on me that I might die. I would have cried if I it didn’t hurt so much. Still tears ran freely down my face at the thought of never seeing her again.132

“Sorry, I’m so sorry” I’d said out of desperation only a couple of minutes ago. “ I wish I’d survived but I’ve not””133

I was surprisingly calm knowing I would die I began to remember my life and tell it to you. I know you’re just a small rabbit hiding here on the field but you look like you listened all the way through my story.134

“So that’s it up until now” I said through the pain and blood. “I know you’re scared little rabbit but you at least must survive.”135

The small grey rabbit looked up at me like it actually had listened.136

“Now go,” I whispered to it. “Go”137

Amazingly the rabbit turns and jumped away. At least something will survive from this field of death I thought. 138

Beep. Beep.139

My phone! I reached into my pocket ignoring the pain and pulled it out.140

“You have 1 message”141

I tried to push the buttons but my bloodied fingers wouldn’t work. The most I could do now was smile. 142

I would die. 143