I walked nervously down the long, dark corridor. I turned left at the end. Room 19.1
I stopped in the doorway and gazed upon the small, fragile girl that lay in the bed by the window, unconscious.2
"An accident," most people had said. Jake thought that was bull****.3
"How could a hit and run be an accident?" he had asked me.4
It didn't matter what it was to me. All that mattered was that my beautiful girlfriend was lying in hospital, hooked up to about ten different machines. The only reassurance was the steady beep of the heart moniter.5
Will she make it? Will she be able to talk? Walk? Think?6
I sat beside the bad and took her hand, wondering could she feel me. Could she hear me?7
"Jade, I love you," I whispered in her ear. Memories came flooding back to me.8
The first time we set eyes on each other. I didn't have the courage to talk to her. Girls like her are out of my league.9
The first time we talked. She was so funny. And intelligent. She never ceased to amaze me.10
Those eyes...what would I do if I could never see her beautiful eyes again?11
Our first date...our first kiss...12
There is no one else like Jade.13
The time her grandmother died. I held her close. Promised I'd never let her go, as she wept.14
The time my mum was ill. She kissed my cheek and told me it would all be okay.15
The time she went on holidays. The thought of being away from each other for a whole week had upset us both. But when she came back, it felt like she had never gone.16
The time we faught when she wanted to walk me home for a change. "And leave you to walk home alone? Never!" I had exclaimed.17
All the thoughts and memories flowed through my mind. I was jolted out of my trance-like state by a long monotonous beep.18
Goodbye Jade.19
Author notes
I'm a girl but I decided to write from a boys point of view. I was inspired by some friends...love them to bits. Hope you like my first story...
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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I like where you're going with this, but I just don't like how it's so fague. Maybe tell what Jade was doing before the 'accident' Tell about when the boyfriend got the call that jade was in the hospital. If she dies, explain the beeping of the machines as she passes away. This is more of an outline, this would be more of that you would read on the back of a book. Other wise, it wasn't a bad idea.
beginning: 3, language: 2, plot: 4, ending: 3, dialog: 1, characters: 3.
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you've got a pretty interesting idea here, I do think, however, that the story is missing a lot of important details. It would be interesting to see where it is you're going with this story. You could expand on this very easily by describing surroundings, emotions even mannerisms. fascinating idea and good beginning.
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This is a good story. You do have some mispelled words, such as faught should be fought, but these are minor mistakes (usually caused from typing too fast). I found that while it was interesting, there were some things I felt were missing. You might want to consider developing the characters more thoroughly. Tell us what she looked like, both before and after the accident, give us an indication of why he thought she was out of her league. Have you considered expanding this to include perhaps a description of the accident? You might want to consider having him hold her hand as he sits by the hospital bed.
Another area that you might want to consider expanding on is the narrative. While I found some to be implied, I would have liked to seen more emotion from him.
Please also consider expanding on the environment. Use your senses to do this. Give us an indication of the sights and smells as well.
You definitely show promise, and the fact that you wrote from another's perspective says you have the ability to grow with your writing. Always keep in mind that comments are only suggestions. Change only what you want to as this is your story.
Good luck and happy writing! (even if you choose to write more emotional stories). -
It was depressing but a tad too short to realyl pull me in. It is a good start but could be expanded upon for more depth and detail.
beginning: 3, language: 3, plot: 3, ending: 3, dialog: 4, characters: 2.
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thanks
thanks for your comment
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That was sweet and sad. I truly loved it.It made me sad though. Good Job!
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WOW
I like the fact that you wrote a story from more of a guys point of view. I think it's a lot more fun writing from somebody else mind besides your self. It really makes you use imagination. i really enjoyed reading this. It was a good story.
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wow
well don....this story is so beautiful, i loved reading it...
exspeshaly that you'v don it from a boys point of view
looking forword to reading more of you'r stuffXx
beginning: 4, language: 3, plot: 4, ending: 5, dialog: 4, characters: 3.
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