Yellow Belly Newt

YELLOW BELLY NEWT1

By: Tristan Sellers2

A CAST OF CHARACTERS FOR THIS STORY3

MERCUTIO- AN INTELLECTUAL4

PRUDENCE- A FEMININE BRUTE5

DOUGLAS- A SELDOM NOTICED, ETHEREAL PERSONAGE6

TED THE NEWT- RATHER QUIET, RATHER WRIGGLY7

ATROPAL- A NASTY FELLOW, PRONE TO QUIET VIOLENCE8

Come along friend. Happy sugar fun-time is about to begiiiiiinnnnnn........9

The Yellow Belly Newt, (or "TARICHA TAROSA" as it is known in those obscure lands that fund the learning of dead languages) is a rather EXTRA-ORDINARY 1 creature. It is quite common in California and the associated western front of America. This is a field report on such a creature. It shall be presented in the form of an Italian opera. (Sans actors, sans music, sans stage, sans costumes, sans Italian, and sans inexpensive sausage, which really only leaves... ah, yes! The libretto. Enjoy.10

INTRODUCTIONS11

"There." "That?" "Yes." "That's all? Hmm." Mercutio and Douglas silently pondered the rather small, rather wiggly thing on the park bench in front of them. "I must say, it's rather ugly”, drawled Prudence, the rather mysterious brute dressed in...a dress. 12

Prudence had arms thicker than most trees and a head that nestled comfortably between her shoulders whenever it wasn't stretching out its neck to peer into the depths of your soul. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any PH cleanser. 13

Mercutio was wearing an onyx turtle necked sweater and a pair of khaki colored corduroy slacks. His hairstyle was reminiscent of several differently placed, yet oddly similar misdemeanors and breaches of public safety involving a WWII land mine filled with cream cheese and a man in a vibrant costume. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free. When he spoke, it was with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. 14

The young boy had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while. Douglas was unimportant, unaccomplished, unassuming, unaware, and uncared-for. Such was his social invisibility, that those eating copious amounts of ice cream while walking or doing something else distracting were drawn to him like iron filings to a magnet and subsequently bumped into him. People's eyes often found it difficult to focus on him for very long, his form, a blur in the wind, his face, a smear on the glass of reality, his frame, a hollow tribute to moonlight, spider webs and melancholy things that can't be felt except by the finger tips of your consciousness just as you drift off to sleep. By shutting your eyes as tight as possible until you saw random shapes, you might see him clearly then, maybe. The creature they were pondering was a yellow bellied newt that Douglas had found underneath a rock while the other two looked directly at him. 15

“I wonder who found it and put it on this bench.” said Prudence luridly. 16

“I’m sure I don’t know,” said Mercutio. 17

“It was me, I found it.” said Douglas. 18

“Who said that?” said Prudence. Douglas loudly exhaled a sigh of exasperation. 19

“Did you feel the wind just now? It’s a bit chilly.” Mercutio said.20

NICHE- 21

The yellow bellied newt is a small creature that feeds on insects and smaller lizards. It mates in the wet summer months and is for the most part dormant the remainder of the year. It has many predators, including most birds of prey and large fish. 22

INTERLUDE-23

“Let’s poke it.” said Prudence. 24

"Lets not and say we did,” replied Mercutio. Unbeknownst to them, a sinister figure was slowly approaching from behind and sliding a quicksilver knife out of his trench coat pocket. Douglas looked up and spotted him. Douglas knew this man, his name was Atropal, and he, like Douglas existed on the alternate plane that enabled those on it to be somewhat undetectable. 25

Douglas rose and moved to intercept the madman. Originally a contract killer, Atropal had gone insane and began killing for pleasure, sport, there was no method to his madness. Normally Douglas did not care much about anything, but he did not think he would just stand by and watch while his friends were slaughtered by a foe they could not see, could not fight against. Atropal spotted Douglas and chuckled, sheathing his dagger. Suddenly he sprang forward. Douglas moved backward and turned, dropping into a bent knee position, hands open, fingers spread, palms facing forward at shoulder level. Atropal spun, his right hand crossing his chest, fingers hooked outward, left hand extended, fingers forward, thumb cocked, his weight shifted to his left leg, right leg flexed. Douglas turned sideways, his right hand retreating to the vicinity of his left shoulder, his left crossing his body to the front, fingers moving into a new position. Atropal feinted with his foot, slashed twice with his right hand, dropped immediately into a cross armed defensive posture. Douglas had moved back, arms parallel and extended forward, hands rotating. Atropal’s blows had fallen short as he assessed his opponent. Now he assumed a new position- head back, arms cocked, right leg extended. The smaller man made a basket of his arms before him and leaned slightly forward, turning. 26

“Almost had me there” Atropal said. Mercutio looked up from his conversation with Prudence and peered about, searching for the source of the muffled voice. Finding nothing of interest, he turned back around. Douglas smiled as his left fingers assumed a new configuration and his shoulder dropped two and a quarter inches. Atropal hastily changed the position of his left arm and moved his rear foot to produce a new stance. Douglas fanned his face slowly with his right hand while lowering his left, fingers curving upward. Atropal did a backward somersault and moved forward, kicking. Douglas parried the kick with a scooping movement of his left arm that threw Atropal into a cart wheeling motion, which the larger man continued until he was out of range, coming up into a defensive crouch from which he rose with his hands moving rapidly. He circled to the left now, shuffling, jerking through dozens of positions with blinding speed. Douglas’ body flowed to follow him, his hands seeming to move more slowly but always falling into the proper attitudes. Finally, Atropal halted and stood facing him. Douglas stopped also, facing Atropal, who made a single movement with his right hand. Douglas mirrored it as he did it. They remained absolutely still for half a minute. Then Atropal moved his right hand again. Douglas moved his left. They watched one another for half a minute more, then Atropal turned his head. Douglas touched his nose. A puzzled look crossed Atropal’s face. Then he bent slowly and placed the palm of his left hand upon the ground. Douglas turned his left palm upward and moved it three inches forward. Atropal flexed his ears, then asked. “What is the sound of one hand clapping?” “A butterfly.” Mercutio swiveled 1.68º and stabbed his gaze left and right, still with no results. He returned to the heated argument he had been having. Atropal straightened and took a step forward. Douglas shaded his eyes. They remained in this position for a full minute. Douglas took two rapid steps to the left and kicked into the air. Twisting his body and throwing himself backward, Atropal restrained himself within a fraction of a second from moving into a position which would have placed his jaw in line with the kick. Both arms extended, quicksilver claws suddenly protruding from his fingertips like the talons of a chimera, he spun twice as he recovered his footing and balance. By then, Douglas had taken two additional steps to his left. There was perspiration on Atropal’s brow as he bent forward and began moving in a wide circle about the smaller man, fingers hooked and clawing lightly at the air. Douglas turned slowly to follow him, his right hand seeming to hang limply at shoulder level. He bowed very low just as Atropal was about to spring, Atropal restrained himself and halted. 27

“It has indeed been a pleasure,” he remarked. 28

“For this one also,” Douglas replied. 29

“It looks as if white flowers fall upon my shroud. Your hands are so pale.” 30

”To leave the world in spring, with flower guards to honor: it must be peace.” Mercutio gave no other sign of his irritation than a small twitch beginning at the small of his back and ending near his left temple. Douglas straightened slowly. Atropal began moving his hands in a slow figure eight, extending it gradually. His right hand twitched. Douglas took two sudden steps to his left. Atropal moved as if to circle clockwise, then follow quickly as the other began to turn. A cool breeze touched them both as Atropal began a kick with his left foot, thought better of it, shifted his weight, feinted with his right. Douglas extended both hands, palms down, then slowly began lowering the right. Atropal moved his head in a slow circle. Then his shoulders began a counter-movement. His hands traced patterns about one another, advancing, retreating, feinting...Douglas leaned to his right, then to his left, his right hand still still descending with extreme slowness. He leaned to the left again... 31

“What,” Atropal asked him, “is the color of thunder?” With a grunt of fury, Mercutio picked up his things and moved to the next park bench over. Prudence followed puzzledly, her tiny ursine ears unable to pick up the mumblings of otherworldly conversationalists…Then to the right, hand still dropping. Atropal feinted with another kick, then lunged forward, claws extended, hands describing wide semicircles about one another. Douglas’ head turned back over his shoulder as his left leg moved behind him. His body turned sideways as his left hand became a V, catching Atropal beneath his left armpit. His right hand moved upward toward the other’s stomach. He felt but an instant’s touch of weight as he twisted to the left. Then Atropal was gone, sailing through the ether like a kite, propelled by the force of Douglas’ blow. 32

“Behold.” Douglas replied. 33

He stood for seven heartbeats, regarding the mercurial otherworld sky. Then he bowed again. 234

HABITAT- 35

The yellow belly newt prefers cool wet places with still water in which to breed and catch food with ease. Places like shallow lakes, silt pools from the aftermath of a recent rain and the shores of gentle streams are often frequented by these gentle creatures.36

INFRASTRUCTURE-37

Mercutio returned from the cool river where he had quenched his thirst to find Prudence standing over the desiccated corpse of the newt. 38

“What did you do?!” He screamed with blind fury at the hulking mass of cruelty and teen angst, his ears turning purple with fury. 39

“I dissected it,” she said with an air of coolness that The Marquis De Sade himself would have envied and a face that all but screamed; I’m doing this for your own good, you pretentious fool.40

With a scream of fury, Mercutio leapt past her and retrieved the scalpel from the spot where it had been embedded into the table, and turned, brandishing it with a gleam in his eye not unlike the one that used to emanate like a sickening miasma of malice from the optic orbs of Atropal, before death had glazed them over with the silent finality of the cold grave, the way a baker glazes over a donut with Splenda™. 41

“You stupid, stupid, wench, I’ll carve a hole in your head big enough to let all the common sense in the world inside, and then we’ll see who’s crazy!” 42

Prudence retorted with cold disdain and bit of passion. "You blind wretch, can’t you see my feelings for you? Its always my fair Verona this and my fair Verona that! What about me?! What about my needs? 43

I could’ve snapped your back and your neck like twigs the day I met you, but I didn’t! And you don’t even care!” 44

“SILENCE!” Thundered Douglas. Douglas was normally cool, calm and reserved. But not today, not now. Gone was the weak milksop who never spoke his mind, in his place was ???????, the nether god who spoke in all capitals and really, really didn’t like infomercials. He wasn’t about to stand by and watch his two friends undo what he had just done in saving their lives. Mercutio’s ire was but a tender, little kitten before the awesome mighty powerful hideous screaming pain of BURNING CINDER FURY OF CRIMSON CHAOS FIRE that was the anger of ???????. 45

Prudence’s uncontrollable avalanche of icy hate was but a puddle of slush before the gargantuan blizzard of a thousand and one DEATHS ON THE DARK SIDE OF MARS that was the glacial wrath of ???????.46

“NOW YOU WILL BOTH APOLOGIZE TO EACH OTHER FOR BEING SO IRRATIONAL AND TO ME AS WELL, THERE ARE VERY FEW GOOD FRIENDS IN THIS WORLD, AND YOU’RE LUCKY TO HAVE ME AS ONE OF THEM.” The two stood speechless, unable to comprehend ???????? massive presence. He continued, unabated. 47

“IN CASE YOU HAVEN’T NOTICED, I JUST FOUGHT AN INVISIBLE WAR FOR THE SAKE OF YOUR LIVES! DOES THAT NOT BEG THE QUESTION OF; WHAT IN THE NAME OF FROXX ARE YOU DOING?!” They looked at each other for a long time. Then, long separated by cruel fate and the constricting bonds of the social niceties of a world gone mad, the star-crossed lovers raced towards each other in slow motion across a suddenly there field of flowers like a pair of freight trains, one having left Chicago at 3:00 pm eastern time and moving at 74 miles an hour, the other having left Topeka at 2:30 pm central time and moving at 89 miles an hour.48

RANGE-49

The yellow belly newt is also commonly know as the California newt. It can be found in most of the Golden State’s coastal region but is a long-standing native of the bay area, it’s practically endemic 3, except that it’s not, poisonous, viral, toxic or copyrighted by the tobacco company.50

LAUGH TRACK, THEME SONG, FREEZE FRAME, FADE OUT-51

Douglas sat on the bench and watched the sun go down. Nearly a decade had passed since the incident occurred. All that remained of the newt’s corpse was the rusty scalpel that had been used to disembowel it. Since its death the newt (whose name was Ted) had become rather attached to the tool and one day found that he just couldn’t let go. It/He was still stuck into the table after its/his last use. The last use was still evident from where Douglas sat, multiple carvings depicting the love that was felt between Mercutio and Prudence set into the trunk of the tree where they now sat. The two lovers were now into their early twenties and were obscured by the foliage off in the corner and were giggling audibly. 52

“Well, looks like I’m not needed anymore, eh Ted?” Douglas inquired of the scalpel. 53

“I suppose not.” It replied. “But one thing, will you let me come with you?” 54

“Of course,” said Douglas. “Let’s go.” With that, he pocketed the rusty science implement and faded into the ether.55

COMMON BEHAVIORS-56

“So, Mr…Ted., what were your skills in life?” Ted was in the office of an entity called The Board. An entity that was really many entities compressed into one, The Board had a chairmen, a secretary, a stenographer, an intern, an HR director, a CEO, a trusted advisor, a dolphin, a white mouse, and Billy Joel. 57

“Well, I had a knack for wiggling, swimming, and breeding into the long hours of the night.” Ted replied with a little too much gung-ho if you ask me. 58

“Well, let’s look at your resumé here...hmm...Ah! It appears as if you have a sound recommendation. A very sound recommendation. From one of our highest nether authorities. I can tell that you’re going to do great things for this company. I suppose the only question is, where to put you? Your skills sound perfect for a Larva.” 59

“A what?” 60

“A student.” 61

“Ah.” 62

“But that’s just not right! with such a wonderful recommendation, we can’t possibly clap you in manacles down at the Blood Sea’s dry dock, or peel your skin off and send you to work at the salt mines. Duergar are rather nasty fellows, I find.” 63

“So what shall I do?” 64

“Hmmm...I know! How about a teacher?” 65

“Sounds wonderful.” The Board handed Ted a brochure containing the various breeds of teacher. Astrology teachers studied constellations and determined the future. Philosophy teachers talked about what might be and argued good-naturedly with Physics teachers. Physics teachers categorized what is and argued violently with Philosophy teachers. Mathematics teachers got to play around with funny symbols and chalk. Biology teachers quested for the meaning of life. Geography teachers got lost in the woods and eaten by bears. The list went on, and Ted was glad the list went on.66

1 not extraordinary,EXTRA-ORDINARY. Meaning nothing special.67

2 Tiger And Crane Fists, 1979, MGM studios68

3 You see, it’s funny because normally plagues are referred to as endemic! Get it?! Get it? Hello?...69