“I can’t believe it’s already 5 o’clock,” grumbled Mark as he walked to his dark blue convertible. He had gone to a wild party the night before. Having a little too much to drink, he came home in the early hours of the morning and passed out on his bed. He would have slept for hours more if his mom hadn’t woken him up to remind him that, in twenty minutes, he was supposed to be at his job at a local coffee shop.
Only aware of his pounding headache, he searched his car for Tylenol or anything that would stop the pain. Looking in the backseat, his eyes locked on a cigarette someone must have left the night before. The intensity of the craving that was gradually building up inside of Mark seemed to take over all thought and reason. Two weeks ago, he had quite smoking and ever since he’d been living in a hell. The desire of allowing smoke to fill his lungs seemed too strong to calm. In one swift movement he opened the door, grabbed the cig, and crushed it, allowing the crumbled remains to fly away with the wind. Letting out a breath of relief, he started his car and left for the coffee shop.
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Parking his car, he quickly hurried down an ally that led to the back door of Whitman’s Coffee Shop. Mark passed by a homeless man who was lying against the cement wall half asleep. This man looked like he hadn’t eaten in days and hadn’t taken a shower even longer. Mark’s footsteps against the gravel startled him awake.
“Please,” the man begged, “Do you have some change?”
“Uh…no…sorry,” Mark answered, passing by quickly in fear that the man might try to rob him.
‘The man probably wasted his money on drugs or gambled it away,’ Mark thought bitterly, ‘He deserves living on the streets if he was that stupid.’
Mark hastily slipped through the back door, hoping no one would notice how late he was this time. He walked down the hall behind the kitchen and grabbed one of the black aprons hanging from a hook on the wall. When he turned around, he was startled to see Jenna smiling at him.
“You’re lucky that you’re the manager, because otherwise you would be fired by now,” said Jenna playfully. “Let me guess…last night’s party? Had too much to drink, again?”
“It’s the last time,” Mark defended.
“Is it now? Didn’t you say that last time?” she grinned. Coming up behind him, Jenna put her arms around his neck and whispered in his ear, “Its okay. I like you when you’re drunk.”
Shrugging her off, he walked straight for the kitchen. He didn’t care how rude it was just to leave her without saying anything. Mark was sick of her seduction. Jenna and Mark had dated two years ago. In fact, he had thought he was going to marry her once. But after eight months of dating, he saw her for who she really was- a self-centered, superficial slut. She never had gotten over him after he broke up with her.
“Won’t she ever give up?” Mark muttered to himself.
The bell on the door rang, indicating that a customer had arrived. Taking a deep breath, he prepared himself for a long day of work and headed toward the front of the shop. A man was impatiently waiting for him, drumming his fingers on the counter tabletop with irritation. After taking the man’s order, Mark scanned the coffee shop for the number of customers enjoying their drinks. Surprisingly, there were only three other people, two girls and a man. The elderly man’s name was Ernie and he retired a year ago. Everyday, Ernie walked through their doors at one o’clock, ordered a pot of coffee, and read the latest bestseller book for the duration of the afternoon. The two girls he had never met.
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Tired and still paying for the night before, Mark left Whitman’s Coffee Shop at around eleven o’clock at night. He needed to be alone and away from everything, so he drove to the one place he knew he would have his solitude. On the west side of town was Camelot Park. In the corner of this park was a huge willow tree with sweeping long branches that brushed the ground. He came here when he needed to get away and think. Leaning against the large trunk of the tree, he took a moment to just breathe in the crisp air hinting of the coming cold night.
He didn’t know when it happened, maybe over time. Mark felt numb inside and dead to everything. There was so much that he regretted, and so much he wished he could change. Yet, it seemed that he was stuck in the hole he had dug for himself. Life had never been easy for him. Every since he was a boy, he had been the trouble-maker mothers told their children not to play with. Each year, he had experienced another of life’s pleasures that destroy you bit by bit. He couldn’t even count how many girls he had slept with. One experience led to the next. New friends in college introduced him to partying, which led to drinking, and eventually the inconvenient habit of smoking.
Mark shook his head, remembering all the things he wished he could erase. "Why am I still living like this?" he said aloud, "Can I really change?"
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Author notes
Most of this story is fictional, besides the addictions and feelings of "can i really change?"
sidenote: Main Character's name has been changed from Rob to Mark. I only had the name Rob in there till I could think of a name I liked and thought fit.
please give me any corrections and advice. comments are much wanted and needed. :)
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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This is a good story. It's realistic, down-to-earth, and reasonably paced. It is has a few occasional errors, but nothing big. I like your writing style, by the way. Good work
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I liked it. )to me( it had a monotone sound wich was awsome to add. It made this tought come out more.
ha Im sorry I cant be a crittic but still I like it.. Im looking forward to the next
beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 3, ending: 3, dialog: 4, characters: 5.
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needs more work
ally is a friend, alley is a street or path.
personally the idea that he was just hired as the manager of a coffee shop seems a bit odd. i don't know he seems more like a bus boy type than a manager.
i never really cared for the main character. a story should make you feel something for the guy, yet, here i just don't care about him, his "rough life" sounds very spoiled.
presumably this is only the start of a longer story, because on its own it doesn't really hold up.
if he was a busboy i might feel a bit more for the guy, instead he's a manager, whining about partying and sleeping with women. it just seems ridiculous. maybe give more reasons as to why he's complaining about these things.
just my two cents, can take it or leave it.
either way keep on writing :-)
seems like i'm the only one who thinks this, oh wellbeginning: 1, language: 1, plot: 1, ending: 1, dialog: 1, characters: 1.
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This story is looking really good. I loved this begining part. I really did. Keep it up. God Bless!
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Very Good.
I liked this very much.
It has a super feel to it.
All the best.
jsdkbeginning: 3, ending: 3, characters: 3.
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Good start!
This story is really good. I can't wait for the next one. Thanks for the read. I enjoyed it. Keep it up!
beginning: 4, plot: 4, ending: 4, characters: 4.
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Part 1 good; part 2 needed
The most obvious thing to me that could use work is that there are a lot of details here that, so far, are superlative; the bits about Jenna and Ernie, for example. I see the "Part 1" in your title, though, so I'm not too worried about that, because you can follow up on those in the next part(s). Some details however, such as the mention of the previous night's party and the homeless guy in the alley, are relevent in this piece, as they provide context to Rob's state of being.
Another thing that slightly clashes with my personal preference is your use of explicit phrasing rather than implicit; for example, in the cigarette-crushing scene, you could have implied that he'd recently quit smoking, rather than simply saying it. Also, the front bell ringing would imply that a customer had entered, making the clause stating that fact unnecessary.
Nitpicky little stuff:
"He would have slept even longer..." - longer than what?
"... going to marry her once. Yet, after eight months..." - I think "but" would work better than "yet;" 'yet' implies 'in spite of,' whereas 'but' indicates that it was headed one way then changed directions.
"... waiting for him to take his drink." - drink, or order?
Sorry if I seem overly critical, I'm killing time between classes.
Fixes out of the way, I shall not give my praise of the story:
Character development is excellent. One problem many writers (including me) have is that they write all their characters as extensions of themselves, and thus they all seem alike. In a short piece you have managed to build a strong images of Rob as well as Jenna and even the obscure Ernie. The only suggestion I have for improvement there is to include hints of physical appearance, speech and movement mannerisms, etc.
Your use of passive voice in the context of Rob's nicotine addition was subtle, but clever. While normally "allowing smoke to fill his lungs" would need to be active to be technically correct, in this form it implies that the nicotine addiction is the dominant member in the relationship. This assumed fact is quickly reversed when he crushes the cigarette, almost impulsively, rather than smoking it. The sudden breaking of the assumption lends strength to Rob's apparent strength of will, reinforced by his critical review of the alley bum and the final segment in which he is examining his own life and realizing that he needs to change.
Overall, you've managed to create (or, re-create?) Rob as a likeable person for several reasons including his strong character and rationality. I look forward to reading part 2.
beginning: 5, language: 3, plot: 4, ending: 3, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Good
Excellent character development. Perfectly captures the thoughts of a young man and his addictions. As a guy who spent his twenties living in a big city, addicted to cheap liquor and Marlboro Reds, I can relate to your protagonist well. I suggest tighter dialogue, but it is very good the way it is. -
this is really great, i like it alot.
u discribbed it so well, i felt like i was actually there, i like that in a story.
u could also feel the emotions of this character. which is also good,
bottom line, i really loved it. its great.
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GREAT START: PUBLISHABLE
You have a great beginning to a masterfully written short story. The character development was just superb. The dialog, the imagery, the symbolism of the addiction, lost love, isolation, depression and possible the early symptoms of a mid life crises.
I was very involved in the story until the end. It was far to abrupt. This was a cliff hanger---please expand the story, the readers want to see some resolve before the end comes. How does his situation change? Does something happen for his life to change for the better or for the worst?
I would very much like to read this after some revision or expansion. There is also some errors with tense, (my biggest down fall in writing, ugg) I do it too much. There are some areas that are in the first person, then past tense. This is easily fixed.
You have so much talent. You could even publish this and get paid if you did some work on the ending and the tense stuff.
Thank you for posting this
I will tell all my friends on Storywrite, AP and some of my collogues in my creative writing class to check out your work.
Are you a student? What do you do?
Just curious
beginning: 5, language: 4, plot: 3, ending: 1, dialog: 4, characters: 5.
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I loved this!!!
This is one of the best stories I have read on this sight so far. Actualy, it may BE the best! lol. I love the way the reader can get close to the character. You write really well and I don't think I would change a thing. Great job. I also think that that was a great way to end the story. See ya!
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fabulous.
This, while short, got me captivated in the story. The imagery is wonderful, especially in paragraph 16. I could see the park and the tree perfectly.
In paragraph 17, I don't think you need to state Rob's name again ["Life had never been easy for Rob"]. The reader knows who you're talking about by this point. The same goes for paragraph 18 - "Rob wondered.." could just as well be "he wondered.." if you so chose.
This story is easy to get involved with because there are so many people who can relate to the idea of wanting to change, but still not being sure if they can. I find myself wondering what is going to happen to him, and aligning myself with him, which is spectacular.
This is really a great beginning. I'm interested in seeing the rest. =]
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