He staggered down a corridor that had no windows. There was only darkness ahead, each step a plunge into the unknown. A slightly warm gust of air cooled the sweat that had been dripping from his brow. This seemed odd to him since there was nothing visible ahead that would give off a breeze and nothing behind him that had not already vanished, a path lost to the dust of time. He did not know where this path led, only that he must follow it. 1
He thought over the mistakes he had made over his lifetime. He knew he had dug a hole for himself, one that was impossible to climb out of. At least that had seemed to be the case. Now he thought that there might have been a way…there was someone that stood at the top of that hole who had offered to help him out. However, he had denied the other man’s assistance because that would mean leaving precious things he held tightly to behind forever. 2
So he kept digging and digging and digging. All the while the other man stood at the top of the expanding hole, still offering his aid. He had found himself digging one moment and plunging into darkness the next. Falling was the worst thing he had ever experienced. Numbness crept up his legs and smothered him till he felt nothing. The last thing he saw of the other man was him shaking his head and walking away, without looking back.3
Strangely enough, there was no sound of impact when his body clashed with the dirt floor beneath him. His heart’s rapid beating grew dim until he could no longer feel his chest pound. 4
That was how he found himself feeling his way down into the gloomy depths of the mysterious tunnel. Time seemed non-existent here. Minutes were hours, hours were days, and days were years. At some point, he smelled the stench of decay, his skin absorbing the disgusting odor. The breeze that had felt so cool a moment before was blistering hot. A light shown ahead, indicating the end of the long winding tunnel was near. And with the light were shadows that contorted around him. He could almost see creatures hiding in the veil of shadows, things that were neither human nor animal. 5
The light ahead grew until it was clear that he was walking straight into a scorching furnace. The sickly colored flames licked the edges of the tunnel, only a few feet ahead of him. The few remnants of hope that had remained with him all this time were now burning into ashes in the heart of what lay ahead. He screamed as tears flowed down his cheeks, drying before they dripped of the sides of his jaw line. Instead of hearing the sound of his own anguish and misery, he heard the shrieks of other voices that tormented his ears. 6
He turned to run back into the tunnel’s comforting darkness but his body collided into a wall that wasn’t there before. Slowly, he turned around and once again made his way towards the eerie wall of flame. The life he had lived before seemed only a thin stream of thought that just as quickly escaped his memory. He suddenly felt immeasurable regret for every choice made that had inevitably led him into this never-ending nightmare. With a few last steps, he opened his arms and embraced the inferno that eternally engulfed his soul.
7
Author notes
If you have any questions on what I was really writing about (in case you didn't catch it) just let me know and I will be happy to explain.
A contest entry
- anything by LostSoulOfRage.
600 points, ended December 4, 2006, 9 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
What changes should I make and do you think i should write more, or leave it?
Comments
1 - 19 of 19
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a very good story
Your work doesn't need anything added or taken.
The story contains not too much detail to distract the reader from the main issue but enough of it to let the anyone know what is going on, what will happen next.
A very good piece of work per se. -
This is very discriptive and very original, I found this was easy to read and very well written fantastic job on it.
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interesting story
I love some of the imagery that you use and find most of your description to be vivid and well done. I find it somewhat confusing since you don't identify the character much (I'm imagining this is the intent to keep it vague)
However, it makes it difficult to identify with the character, since you hint at his past.
A little more detail or perhaps an example of why he "dug himself a hole" would be great. -
Captivating. I did figure it out early. Mostly from the words you used to discribe what was in the story [a give away!].
It was quite good! I liked how he moved from one area into the next and instead of getting any better, it all went to ... well, to hell. It's an unusual telling of an old story!!
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first thnx for entering the contest.
wow this was really good. like i dont know what else to say about it besides that it was very good. i loved it. good luck and keep up the great work.
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wow. i really like this, the imagery and allegory are wonderfully done if it is about what i think it is. is it about a man who has made bad decisions and has dug himself a hole out of them, and would not accept Christ even though He wanted him? And then was sent to hell? Just my take on it. very nice
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Nice
I enjoyed this, and did pick up where it was leading rather quickly. You tell the story well, and use very good structuring. Very well done.
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I Like this story
This is an excellent start to a gripping story. I want to know more. The writting is so descriptive and paints avivid picture. Please submit more.
Roy
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Good write.
I suspected where you were going with this early on in the story. You could write about what led to his death or what things led to his condemnation, but it is really not necessary to the overall point of the story. You could expand it, but I believe it serves its purpose as is.
Andy
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This story captivated me from the first line until the last. I enjoyed reading this... Amazing description and good story line. You should definitly continue with this. I may suggest lengething it to add more detail. I want to know more about the character and the why he's feeling those emotions. Other than that, I see great potential and look forward to reading more of your work.
. Rewarded 4
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This story has great potential. Some people can't begin a story without it being awkward, but this isn't awkward at all. It's well developed and emotional. Keep writing. I'd like to see where this goes .
xXxChristinaxXx
. Rewarded 4
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this story has a lot of potential, I wouldn't drop it. Expand on it instead. Explain why he feels lost. Describe the character. What his emotional state is, how did he go from digging a hole and having someone offering to help him, to being alone. At first I thought it was a figurative hole then it turned into a literal one. That is extremely vague. More detailing could clear that up.
. Rewarded 4
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Sad and powerful ... This is definitely well-written and is hopefully going to be very thought-provoking. I would only add that you could show I little bit more of his regret, like in The Rich Man and Lazarus. The thought of a remorseful person in this situation is something that really pulls on people's hearts. Good job.
. Rewarded 4
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I like it...I'd comment longer but my eyes hurt and I'm tired.
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If you drop it then it would have been a wasted story line, its really good. The imagary is clear and doesnt go OTT.Definetly keep going, I want to know what happens next after all lol
. Rewarded 4
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DON'T DROP IT
I like this story. You should keep at it. Good luck!
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