Heartfelt Sickness

Liquid shadows seem to creep upon me when I'm not looking, retreating only to the edges of my vision when I turn to look. A flashing light takes shape through the lenses of my glasses into a hand which reaches out to grasp my arm tightly - only to pass through it into nonexistance again.1

You walk slowly, more so than you have before. I know you came for just a smile, for just a hug and a kiss and a light word before returning to the dead of sleep that is promised to cure you from the disease I've spread. It kills me to see you this way, this shell of life that was once more than I could ever hope to understand now so easily folded into the small circle of my embrace.2

Your burden rests on my shoulders as we hug... but even then you are careful of me, mindful that you can't lean on me physically. Your height compared to mine is a gap that will never change, though we manage to bridge the distance well enough. But even though you pull me to lean against you instead of leaning over me - just that tells me how much you have lost in these last couple days. Mentally I could cradle what was once so full in the palm of my hand.3

It's the same each time you leave... but now it is made worse. You should not have left and driven to see me, you should have staid at home where sleep could encompase you when it was necessary instead of you fighting it off like the battle mage you call yourself.4

I'm a healer, let me do what I'm good at.5

"I'll bring you the second book tomorrow so you can continue reading the series..." your voice is soft, half what is was and twice as deep. I could fall into that voice, get lost in the abyss that has become of you.6

"No, Jeff." I shake my head slowly, "You need to stay home and sleep."7

You shrug, nonchalantly - but the movement it slowed, sluggish in your sickness and exhaustion. "I have to come to a doctor's appointment tomorrow anyway... I'll drop it off on the way."8

I sigh, you won't give in now that you've caught me on the last few chapters of the book you lent me only yesterday. "You promise not to over tax yourself?"9

"I'll try."10

For a moment I watch you, knowing that's all the more I'll get out of you in the way of promises... but wishing you were able to give me more consolation than that. Sighing again I lean forward to give you a kiss before you leave, you move away, cradeling my head in you hand.11

"I don't want to make you sick."12

I smile sadly at the irony of it all, "It's only fitting for you to give me back the sickness I infected you with in the first place." I steal the kiss anyway, and despite your words - you respond as I expected you would. I don't want you to go, I never do... but both of us know you have to.13

"Get some rest."14

"As soon as I get home."15

I steal another kiss from you and lean away so that I can close your door for you, "Be careful."16

"Don't worry."17

The door closes on the end of your words and you smile at me from behind the glass as you back out and maneuver your way from my presence. Standing there for a moment I wait before turning back to my dorm room, whispering into the night from which you came...18

"I always worry..."19