For Your Love

It was bright outside, yet her heart felt none of it. She was at his funeral, dressed head to toe in black. The tears hadn’t stopped coming from the moment she got the phone call about the accident. It had been late, and she almost hadn’t answered the phone. But on the last ring, she picked up. The officer on the other line told her how the car had gone off the side of the road, crashing into a telephone pole. There had been traces of cocaine in his system.1

A fresh onslaught of tears came as she thought back, and guilt washed over her once again. It had been her fault he left, her fault he had gone to find his dealer. It was all her fault and nothing could alter that thought in her mind. 2

They had fought, and even now she couldn’t remember what about. Something insignificant, most likely. They had been fighting more and more often, and he had been going out more and more often. His dealer had become his favorite person over night, and she couldn’t stand it. He had become such a different person, yet she could not stop her heart from loving him all the same. 3

“Tristana!” someone called. She pushed back her long, dark hair and looked around to see who had called out her name, but all the heads were bowed in silence. 4

“Tristana!” Who was calling to her? She couldn’t leave, not during his funeral. She ignored the other sounds, and focused only on past memories of him. 5

Last summer they had traveled to Spain for two months, to take in the sites and wonderful culture. It was the best time they had spent together, and the time they were most in love. Nothing could touch them. Nothing negative, or saddening, or depressing, or any of the events in the world could bring them down when they were together. Singing, and dancing, and chatting with new people; they were a whirlwind of fun and entertainment. It was then that he proposed to her, getting on one knee and everything. His black hair had fallen in his face, as it always did. He looked up at her, with his pretty green eyes, and brought out the ring from his jeans pocket. It had been so beautiful… She still couldn’t fathom how events had turned so backwards in the States. It wasn’t until then that he started his addiction. 6

It was introduced to him at a party. The perfect white lines, the temptation to get as high as you could fly. The threat of addiction wasn’t even known to him, so he thought nothing of it. It wasn’t a concern he had ever been faced with, and didn’t exist in his mind. That was probably his downfall. 7

At first, it was only on occasion that he would go out, but with time the frequency of his outings grew higher and higher. Soon, Tristana was begging him to quit, to find help. But even though he loved her so, he couldn’t admit that the addiction was anything more than a little fun he was having.8

As the pastor asked for a moment of silence in his memory, Tristana was brought back to the present. A moment of silence was all that he received? He deserved a life time of silence and remembrance. 9

She though back to the first time she had met Ethan. They had met at a quaint little coffee shop in the downtown area. It had been a cold day, and she had gone in, hoping to find some sort of warmth. Looking around, she realized there wasn’t a single table open for her to sit at. Dismayed, she turned to leave when a man grabbed her arm.10

“Would you like to sit with me?” he asked quietly, almost embarrassed to put himself out on such a limb. She smiled gratefully at him, and sat down on the empty stool. Tristana had thought she could lose herself in his smooth words, and she felt herself longing to play with the thick black hair that shadowed his intense green eyes. It was at that instant she fell in love with him.11

After the funeral, she was required to attend a gathering at his mother’s house. People she had never met came up to console her, pat her on the back; anything they thought would make her feel a little less alone. But nothing could touch her. She was lost in her memories of Ethan, and could only feel how much her heart ached, as if someone had gone deep inside her with a knife, and cut out that piece of her that she gave to Ethan long ago. 12

It was the first day of spring, and life was blooming around them. They sat on the swing in front of his mother’s house, basking in each other’s presence, feeding on the love that radiated between them. He asked her what she wanted to do with her life, as he asked her many times. 13

“I want to follow you for eternity,” she replied, gazing up at him fondly. He laughed, as if he didn’t believe that someone could possibly think that way about him. 14

She sat on the couch as everyone shared fond memories of the beloved soul they had known, oblivious that he had led a different life that anyone knew of, except Tristana. Tears streamed down her cheeks as she realized the mistake she had made in not sharing with his family the path he had taken, which eventually led to his destruction. She had been so blind not to see how much he had needed his family to intervene. 15

Again, she heard the voice, calling to her. At first she did not pay attention, lost as she was in her memories. But it kept calling out her name. 16

“Tristana! Tristana! Listen to me Tristana!” She looked up, expecting to see everyone looking around for the source of the voice. But they continued to look at Ethan’s aunt, whose turn it was to share stories of him. 17

Confusion washed over her, enveloping her like a thick black cloak, and she could not find her way out of it. After his aunt was done speaking, she stood up to leave, longing to find the speaker of the mysterious voice. No one stopped her, as they knew the grief she must be suffering and they accepted it.18

Outside, she turned in a full circle, looking for anyone that might be around. Seeing no one, she decided to drive home, so as to mourn for him in silence.19

It was fall, and they were playing hide and seek with Ethan’s nephew. Ethan was the seeker, and he would always pretend not to see the little boy so he could giggle and pretend he was invisible. Ethan would always find Tristana first and they would go around for the longest time, “looking” for his nephew. Eventually the little boy would pop out and shout here I am! And they would feign shock at being scared so badly. 20

That was one thing she had loved so much. No matter what was going on with him, Ethan always had consideration for others. No matter how big of an inconvenience it was for him, no matter how far out of his way it would take him. He never failed to help the ones he loved. 21

Nearing the house they had shared, pain flooded over her, almost causing her to veer into a ditch on the side of the road. She slammed her brakes, and she thought of how he must have felt in his final moments on Earth. Was he scared to die? Did he think at all of her? Or was he so high that his final thought was to turn the wheel? She sat there and cried. Cried for the loss of her only love, cried for the memories she still had of him, cried for the fact that she could never feel his warmth or touch ever again. Not in this life. 22

She took her keys out of the ignition and walked up the stairs to the front porch. And then she heard it again, the voice, but this time, it was pleading. 23

“Tristana, follow me. Follow where I lead you Tristana.” 24

So she did, without question. She walked down the stairs and let her feet carry her. She walked for what seemed like forever, but when she reached her destination, the sun hadn’t even set yet. She looked around, taking in her surroundings. She had finally stopped in a place that she knew very well. Ethan and she had come here many times before. It was a small clearing, surrounded with tall, thick red woods. A slight stream, merely a trickle of its former glory, ran through the middle. There were flowers of every kind, blossoming in the warm spring, creating a rainbow of life. 25

They used to lie there for hours at a time, sometimes talking, but mostly just sitting and admiring the beauty that was all around them. Going to the clearing always brought on memories of Ethan. 26

They laid there in the night, gazing at the stars. Ethan asked her, “Do you ever feel as tiny as one of those stars looks?” She shook her head no and ruffled his dark hair. He looked fondly at her and said, “Well, think about it. To the world they look tiny. But in their group, in their little cluster of stars, each and every one of them is amazing. That’s the way we are, here on Earth. To everyone else, we look like nothing. But to a few special people, we look like something incredible.” 27

Tristana was startled to find herself crying, though she was making no noise. The memories of Ethan were so strong in her mind, so fresh in her heart, that she could barely contain the tears for any length of time. She couldn’t live like this. She couldn’t survive in his shadow every day, or go through life like a normal person after knowing him. It would tear her apart, and she didn’t know how to get over that fact. 28

She walked home, savoring the still quiet of the night. Everything was so peaceful, so serene, that it was hard to believe Ethan had just died a few days ago. 29

The next thing she knew, her alarm was ringing. Why this early? She asked herself, rubbing at her eyes. She had fallen asleep sitting straight up on her bed, and her neck was screaming in pain. She argued with herself for quite a while on whether to go to work or not and finally decided that Ethan wouldn’t have wanted her to miss so much work, just for him. She could still mourn for him in the office.

She put on jeans and a black tee-shirt and drove downtown. She worked in a recording studio, helping to mix the final tracks that you hear on CDs. Waiting for the light to change, the voice was there again. This time was different than the others. For the first time since she had been hearing the mystery voice, it was angry at her. Not a yell; it was never a yell. But merely an angry whisper, as if it was disappointed in her. 30

“Tristana! Why won’t you follow me? Don’t you love me enough to follow me into eternity as you once said you would?”31

And finally, she placed a name with the voice, and berated herself for not recognizing her love’s voice before.32

“Ethan?” She whispered. “Is that really you Ethan?”33

“Follow me Tristana. Follow where I lead you.” 34

“Just tell me where Ethan, just lead me there.”35

But the voice was gone, vanished into the light. She screamed his name, but got no reply. How could he be speaking to her? Why would he just leave her, after giving her renewed hope of his survival? The tears began to come, and she closed her eyes, trying to force them back. 36

She never did make it to work. She wasn’t ready, or strong enough, to face life as it had been before his death. She went back home and sat on her couch, debating what to do with the rest of the day. Finally settling on going and getting coffee somewhere, Tristana hopped in her car and began to drive. But the only place she could think of that had the cheapest coffee was where she and Ethan had met. Deciding that it would be nice to visit somewhere that was so familiar, she weaved through traffic like an expert, yet her mind was only partially on her driving.37

Arriving there, she walked in slowly, surveying the shop. There were only a handful of people there; unlike the day they had met. She sat down at a table in the corner and ordered a cappuccino. As she was waiting, her mind drifted off to her store of memories. 38

There was one afternoon, when she and Ethan had been dating for a few months. Both were between jobs, so they often hung out at the coffee shop. It was rainy, and the lunch time customers had the usual bored expressions on their faces. Ethan decided to bring out his guitar and give a little show. He looked at the waitress, and she signaled that it was fine for him to continue. He played a few songs, all of which he had written, when a burly black man came up to him. He introduced himself as head of a major record label and asked who Ethan had signed with. 39

“No one yet. My manager won’t let me,” he said, playfully nodding in Tristana’s direction. The black man looked at her and offered her a job if she would let Ethan sign with his record company. They glanced at each other and said yes, dumbfounded at what had just happened. 40

She sat there and smiled, cradling the steaming cup the waitress had just handed her, when his voice screamed so loud in her head that she jumped up out of her seat, spilling coffee on herself. The people in the shop looked at her, confused by her actions. She apologized, paid, and ran out to her car. 41

“Tristana! You are torturing me! Please, follow me so we can be reunited!” the Ethan in her mind cried.42

“Just tell me where to go!” she screamed back to him.43

But again, there was no reply to her question. No word of comfort, no chance for solace. This time, no tears came. She just felt numbness, all over her body, working its way towards her heart. She needed to sleep. That would cure this feeling that had washed over her. 44

In the middle of the night, she heard it. It was humming, but she could tell it was just in her mind. Looking around to make sure that no one was there, she raised an eyebrow. She knew the tune that was being hummed. It was her and Ethan’s special song. He used to sing it to her whenever she needed a little boost, and in turn, in the last months of his life, she sang it to him when she wanted his forgiveness. 45

“Ethan, where are you?” she whispered into the dark.46

“I’m in your heart. I’m in your soul. But most of all, I’m in your mind,” he whispered back.47

“Ethan, I said I would follow you. That wasn’t a lie.”48

“I know. And I’m ready for you to follow me.”49

She listened to him as he told her how to reach him. She was momentarily baffled, but her faith that he wouldn’t lead her astray overwhelmed that feeling, and she got into her car.50

Weaving in and out of the night time traffic, she reached the hotel in only a few minutes. She went into the lobby of the Four Seasons, where her cousin had worked for a couple of years.51

“Melanie. Can I get the keys to the roof?” Tristana asked her, fiddling with her engagement ring.52

“Of course sweetums! I know how much you like it up there. Just don’t tell the boss!” she joked good-naturedly.53

Keys in hand, Tristana got onto the elevator and pushed the button for ‘roof’. She tapped her foot impatiently, when she heard Ethan’s sweet voce again.54

“I love you Tristana. I always loved you. Everything I did, I did for your love. From the moment I saw you, you had me captivated. Your big brown eyes, the way your hair falls into your face when you’re concentrated, how you giggled at all of my jokes. I can’t let go of you. Death’s release had no affect on my love, and you still hold the keys to my heart.”55

Tears welled up in the corner of her eyes as she walked off the elevator, holding onto every word that echoed in her mind. She was out on the roof now, walking towards the edge of the building. 56

“I’m so sorry for those last few months. It wasn’t right, the way I treated you. I just found such an escape in the high! It was a way for me to disappear from the world for a while. But remember before that, before all of my problems? Remember how much fun we had in Spain? Remember the dancing? And the food. Oh God, the food was one of the best parts. But spending time with you topped everything else. All the sights we saw, everything we did, all the people we met. It would never have been the same without you.”57

Tears were freely falling from her eyes now, and she balanced on the edge of the roof, swaying with the wind.58

“And we were going to get married! I had such a beautiful wedding planned for you Tristana. We were going to have pink and yellow roses, your favorites. And I knew how I was going to say my vows; I had them all planned out. And I was going to sing for you Tristana! I know how much you enjoyed it. I had the songs all picked out, and I practiced every day while you were at work. In my mind, it was so beautiful. A wedding fit for someone as gorgeous as you, if that is even possible.”59

“Ethan. Ethan, wait for me, please. I’m coming now. I’m ready to find you. I’m coming to get you Ethan,” she whispered, and let the wind push her off the edge. 60