There once was a man named Tim,1
who sat on a big thick limb2
while kicking his legs3
he sat and ate eggs4
and watched all the kids go by.5
They stopped to ask him why6
his nose was so big and red?7
He looked down from his limb and said,8
"I don't understand you at all,9
Why is yours so pale and small?"10
He looked back up,11
took a drink from a cup,12
went back to swinging his legs13
and eating his eggs.14
He did this day after day15
and the kids stayed out of his way.16
Till one day he was gone17
but the kids walked on18
wondering what happened to Tim,19
the man who sat on the limb?20
It's said his nose got so red,21
that now its as heavy as lead.22
So he stays on the ground23
scattering eggshells all around24
watching all the black ants25
marching over his pants,26
shaking his head27
with his nose so red,28
asking a devastated why?29
with a great, deep sigh.30
Author notes
Assignment for a class on this site. Tell me what it needs...grammar, etc...
Thanks
~Syren~
As of 10/4 I've made some changes.
As of 10/5 I've made some changes.
In a list
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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Well done! I must say...you are extremely well with words...even when you use them to write poetry. Extremely good job. I hope I never know a character like Tim...he'd drive me insane, then I'd be laughing all the time. I don't think anyone wants that.
Again, great job!
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Hahaha, I can't write poetry
but I did get a decent grade on this assignment.
But hey thanks for commenting and taking the time to read this junk
~*Brooke*~
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Hmm, I tried commenting but it said there was an error and it was recorded. If you get two comments from me somehow, only one showed up, so my apology!
Anyway, heh. How cute is this? In terms of the structure, I think that the syllable count might be a little off. Line 24 has eight, while 27 has four, then eight on 29, whereas most have six or seven.
This is really good.
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YES
That was a very cute ending I really like it! It reminds me of the voice from that movie The Nightmare Before Christmas. I hear the narrators voice when I read it. Very good, and best wishes.
one mistake a double on the last line.
with a ( a )great, deep sigh.30
Amy -
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Thank you thank you
Thanks for reading it again.
~Syren~
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cool. The word in line 29 is really supossed to be spelled devastated. i agree with silkwing about putting a moral of the story.
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Thanks I'll get that fixed. I didn't use spell check this time. hahah The one time I don't and I hit a big one. lol
~Syren~
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WOW-POW-BATMAN
Has a jingle sound and flow. -
Who stopped to ask him why,6
Might sound better to put They instead of Who.
Why his nose was so big and red?7
Maybe you can take out Why.
If you have time I think you could add one or two clincher lines, like the moral of the story or something. Like it seems like "marching over his pants" doesn't end it.
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As usual you are a big help. I thank you. I wasn't even sure if I was ever going to end it. It just kept going on and on and on. I'm not sure what more I could say about it. But I'll keep thinking. Again thanks
~Syren~
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