jaded (chapter one)

my heart racing in my chest, palms sweaty, chills down my arms and legs, which shake vigorously under me i felt this anxiety for the first time after the jury reached the verdict guilty, guilty, before then life was almost perfect, coming home after school and eating mama’s chocolate chip cookies, i lived like most carefree now i stand behind the curtain nervous about my very first performance1

a dozen people say in unison, “what a shame, your mother ought to be shamed,” as i take my first step out on stage, but home, mommy and daddy, are a thousand miles away, but if ma only knew what i was doing just to keep food in her grandbaby’s mouth she’d walk here from texas and carry me home on her back2

if you a fly mommy please stand up3

i walk boldly on stage, strutting hard in six inch heels, hoping i don’t fall and i begin my routine as the music keeps playing4

they like mommy with the cute face can i get a date, mommy got a cute shape mommy make ‘em wait… mommy got the good shit that really good shit5

i grab the pole with my hand and wrap around my leg and go spinning, but instead of sliding down i make my way up and all the ravenous eyes looking toward me get a little bit wider6

the type of chick u get with that really good shit…mommy get the money, get the money, get the money, mommy find a man who can go an get it for me7

she get naked like hold up mama at that cue i rip away my already revealing top and money starts flying towards the stage8

mommy be a freak mommy let the world know, mommy want em to lick her from her head to her toe…Mommy cute rock vendi suites mommy fresh these my real breast mommy sex cause mommy grown, mommy be that good sh*t at home mommy mommy mommy mommy, damn mommy roll like armies, mommy ass like cadillacs, mommy give ‘em heart attacks9

as the music comes to an end i finish big, whirling around the pole once more, going up then sliding down quick to the ground where i land in the splits10

i get up and collect all the bills on stage, smiling harder then i ever have before as guys reach into the tight g-string they put me in to leave a tip then after one more cute smile and a polite wave good-bye i’m off to hide behind the curtains11

in the dressing room everyone screams congratulations as i come in and i sit in my chair and pull money out of every nick and cranny in my body as tears start to build up in my eyes, but i try to stay strong, and hold them back12

“that was good baby,” camille says, wiping away a tear and hugging me tightly, before giving me a kiss13

“baby count that money girl it’ll cheer you up,” cheyenne sitting next to me says14

i sigh try to look at the bright side of this, but there isn’t a bright side just a slightly less dull side15

i don’t know why i didn’t see these tears coming looking at the puddle i’ve caught in my hand as if it’s the craziest thing in the whole world i should have known this would end up in tears and pain just like the last time i felt such anxiety16

i was just a little girl, innocent in all its sense, but somehow i got caught up in something i shouldn’t, somehow though it was hardly my fault i was merely a child eleven and a half years old, knowing not what was honestly right and wrong, i was blamed for the whole ordeal and i didn’t quite understand it17

i was in prison nonetheless, surrounded by grown ass women that in their lifetime had seen the worst things and did the worst things, but i was just a wide-eyed little girl18

i understood what respect meant and walking in i knew it be a long time before i earned anyone’s, but red my cellmate, only three years older then me promised she’d show me the ropes and that eased my nerves because i had no idea that meant her kicking my ass19

lights went off for the night and she ripped me from my bed kicked my ass right then and there and all the tears, and cries for help, yelps of pain i wasted were easily ignored by what seemed everybody in the whole damn place20

i needed that ass kickin’ to toughin me up, red still claims to this day that it was to make a woman out of me, and i guess i can say that lying there whimpering on that paper thin mattress that smelled stank cause of the thousands of asses that had laid on it and cried salty tears into the musty mothball they called a pillow was my last act as a little girl21

this is just the initiation, just breaking me in, i can’t let that crowd overwhelm me, i can’t go crying back to my mama i just can’t i got a daughter to raise22