Time flies. In the blink an eye, years zoom by. Things change along with it. My body slowly deteriorates day after day; not allowing me to do things that I once could do. I am an old man now; and have lived too many years and experienced more than I care to relate. This is the way of life. We are born, we live, grow old, and then die; a cycle in which we all go through.
I am contemplating my life and the things that I've done. Living over eleven decades and still being able to stand and walk, is still a feat few can boast of. Yet with this age, I’ve come to regret some of my actions that in retrospect, I believed were correct at the time.
My memory is not only full of sadness. Many good things happened in my life; like my beloved wife who has stood by my side for all these years. To be able to see my children grow and become the people that they are today. For having seen things that many would not have ever dreamt of seeing. I can't complain. I know that there is a God. After all that I have seen, I can only be assured of that.
“John! Where are you? Are you still sleeping?” my wife, Jelen, screams out, breaking me out of my pensive mood. I shake head and smile. She seems to have only one pitch when she speaks; loud. Sometimes, it gets on my nerves but then I have been with her for over eighty three years now so it’s not all that bad.
“Ah, there you are. My love, you shouldn’t be in bed!” she says as she walks into the room and turns the lights on. “We will be having great-great-great grand children over today with their parents, etc.”
“Great,” I mutter sarcastically. “Just when I thought that I was going to stay in later as I usually do. Maybe you can just apologize to them and tell them that their however many greats grandfather is tired,” I say sighing.
“Nope, not today you won’t. Now get out of bed you big old oaf!”
“Fine fine,” I say but do nothing to move. I look at her from the corner of my eyes; she is a short, frail looking old lady who was very hot - at least to me - when we were younger. "I love you," I tell her softly. She smiles at me, reminding me of the past. “Say, what is for breakfast today?”
“Oh my! I haven’t made anything,” she says hurrying toward the kitchen, as fast as a woman her age can go. ‘It seems that her she is loosing some of her memory,’ I think sadly. 'As long as she doesn’t forget me, I’m fine.'
“Turn on the news; Susan told me to tell you to watch it. I don’t know why but do so while I make breakfast for you,” she screams out from the kitchen.
I sit up on the bed which takes me some time to do with all my creaking bones. I turn on the screen to watch the news. The wall which is the screen, immediately lights up. The light focuses and I see two news reporters.
“Good morning New York! I am Greggory Abrams-"
"And I’m Matthew Gen, filling in for Susanna Bons who is not feeling well today," he says with a genuine smile on his face.
I listen searching for something worth paying attention to. All that we see on the news is depressing. Especially now that the short respite of war has ended. I nearly doze off, when I see something that jog my ancient memory. Images that after all these years I could never forgot.
“And to our top story,” says Gregg, who seems to be an expert at smiling while speaking, “Earlier this morning, we reported to you that our long range sensors detected a large object moving towards our solar system. We have acquired new information on the unidentified object. Our experts have monitored it and from what we can gather, it's a planet that no longer orbits its sun," The man stops to take a breath.
While the man stops, the picture of the planet is shown. I look at it in shock, "It can't be," I mutter.
"What is more revealing is that this planet is where the expedition fleet Antioch discovered evidence to prove that there was life outside of our galaxy. You are all aware that there are more than a few races that live in this universe. The planet that you see before you is called, X’vier. It was discovered approximately eighty years ago. They found the remains of an ancient yet highly advanced civilization that lived there. This was where we acquired and learned the technology that we use now."
Greggory stops and Matthew continues, "They have yet to ascertain how this planet has moved all these light years to make it to where it is now.” The picture of X'vier is shown again. It's a small planet roughly the same size as the moon; the color is light blue purple with no apparent bodies of water. My mind reverts back eighty or so years to my days of youth, where it all started.
It was year 2348 of the Common Era (C.E.). Humanity had grown in terms of knowledge and technology. The nations were at an uneasy peace after yet another world war. A war that caused so much destruction and death that the people wanted to avoid further wars as much as possible. Though it was and is human nature for us to bicker and fight for meaningless reasons.
Yet as we look back into our history, wars allow our race to technologically advance in a very short amount of time. This war was no exception; many breakthroughs were made in all aspects, especially in terms of space travel and exploration. By that time, we were capable of moving starships at sub-light speed and at the time, the revolutionary hyperspace.
It became a commodity to live in space, which everyone wanted to experience. At the time there were numerous space colonies orbiting the Earth large enough to be seen on the planet. A number of colonies had already been in operation on various parts of the moon. They could all easily occupy a few million inhabitants. The moon became the treasure of the human race. A mysterious ore was discovered as they dug systems of tunnels. When refined, it was stronger yet lighter than any metal we had.
The population of our race had grown staggeringly high. Yet that wasn’t the main reason as to why the space colonies were built. Some feared that we were going to destroy ourselves and decided to find a way to escape. The only place for them to go was space.
All this had not been a factor in the push of all the human nations, to search for ways more efficient means of space travel and exploration. Being that the resources of our planet weren’t sufficient enough. Yet it was impossible to research means of efficiency when the ships lacked an energy source that would not deplete as fast as the one they were using. The engines on the star ships were barely able to keep up with the dangerous hyperspace speeds.
After decades of failed attempts to create a chemical that would provide energy on Earth, they began to explore space to see if they could find a viable energy source out there. At the time, they only had a few - dozens - ships powerful enough to travel at an acceptable speed yet the ships were monolithic in size requiring an immense staff of over one million workers to maintain the ship.
I was assigned to one of those expedition fleets, as they were called. I enjoyed the idea of going out into space, exploring, and seeing marvels that no one else had seen. That was the very reason why I joined the newly formed - highly trained – The United Nations Space Marine Corps or it can be abbreviated to UNSMC. Yet, I wasn’t one of those wide-eyed men who would eagerly sacrifice all that they had and knew to see space.
Even though I was young in age, I was already married and had a baby boy. Having a family changes perspectives on things. Just the thought of making my new born baby and my beautiful young wife wait all those years for me to return, made me sick.
I immediately applied for reassignment to a post that kept me closer to my family. Yet, I was rejected as soon as I applied, they needed every able bodied worker. I wasn’t just any worker; I was an officer who had grown quickly in the ranks. They thought that I was an asset to them so I had to go whether I wanted to or not.
Before I began to despair, they informed me that I could bring my family along because they wanted to see if they could make Space colonies on distant planets that have resources that can be exported back to Earth. I didn’t have to think much for deciding what to do. We packed our few belongings and boarded the ship and left all that we knew, behind. Many of the men brought along their families or girlfriends with them. This bolstered the amount of people on the three starships in our expedition to over six million, not counting the armed corps.
Seven years pass without much happening. Even after seeing those beautiful nebulas, planets, and many other wonders. We only encountered a few planets in which humans can live in. Some were lush planets, prime for food production, while others were almost barren lands where many different ores and metals could be mined.
The wide-eyed, eager look on the faces of the young men was no longer there. That face was replaced by grim, hard worked faces, longing for the day that they can see their home. Our wandering through space had not gotten us any closer to our objective. We no longer cared about rank or pay, we just wanted to go back home. We knew that the longer we stayed on this course, the longer it would take to return home.
At the end of that year, we turned around and commenced our journey back, seeing that these last seven years have been utterly fruitless. Another year goes by when we encounter a planet that had not been in our trajectory. It intrigued the scientists and mathematicians because had not been anywhere close to the system we were currently in and it did not orbit the sun. In fact, it seemed to just be floating in space.
They had discovered that there was a faint artificial heat source emitting from the planet. The fleet admiral deemed it important enough for us to veer from our path home to investigate the mysterious planet. As we neared the planet, we came to see that is was just as large as our moon.
The planet was a cold barren land that had nearly the same gravity and atmosphere than that of Earth. Furthermore, most of the atmosphere was similar to that of Earth; which allowed us to travel down to the planet and be able to breathe fresh air.
It did not take us a long to discover that the heat source - detected from out ship's sensors - was below the surface of the planet but there was a weird frequency surrounding that planet that did not let us scan it. I was sent to find a way to reach that heat source and determine what it was.
I was the officer in charge of the expedition. I immediately went down; eager to do something after all those dull years of restlessness. We searched the planet for days, looking for a way to penetrate into the surface of the planet.
After what seemed to be months, we found an immense crater that had a large hole in the middle. When we reached it, we found a platform of some kind. It was large and empty, definitely created by something. As we inspected the platform, I mistakenly pressed something that made the platform begin to move towards the core of the planet.
We were very uneasy because we had no idea what was going on. The deeper we went, the more the platform changed. Weird controls began to appear, as well as small robotic things that seemed to be repairing the platform. By this time, we have already confirmed that we were not alone in the universe. Even though we should have been cautious, we were eager for find out more.
For a long time, all that we saw were walls of some metal surrounding us and the light from the surface getting smaller and smaller. One of the engineers that accompanied me told me that we were getting close to the heat source that we had detected. After what felt like a long time, the walls surrounding the platform disappeared replaced by a wall of glass appeared and what we beheld was beyond words.
We had most certainly found the heat source. My men and I just gawked at what was before us as the platform plunged deeper into the planet. At first, light flooded our eyes making us unable to see anything. Yet when we were finally able to see, we couldn’t believe what we saw. There was a city of some sort; becoming larger as we drew closer.
It was immense in all the senses of the word. It had monolithic spires and buildings that spanned miles. The architecture of the buildings was definitely not human in design. Yet they were magnificent to look upon. The buildings were built diagonally instead of vertically and they all had the same blue, grey color with different shades. There were many spires and buildings that allowed the platform to continue moving as well as other.
The first thought that came to my mind was that we had finally found another living species in the vastness of space. All that we did was stand there, looking at the beautiful city. After hours of descending, the platform finally came to a stop. The city was empty but we didn’t seem to mind because we were still trying to process what we were seeing. We walked for days, cut off from the rest of our people, just looking at the marvelous architecture.
As the euphoria passed, we began to notice that the city seemed to be deserted, and we could not find the answer as to why, and what had happened to the cities inhabitants. We figured out how to work the platform and began to bring more people down into the underground city. Many tunnels were found that led to the city.
The city was not like any that I had seen before. There didn’t seem to be any streets, which explains the vast amount of “highway” platform tubes. As soon as we had enough personnel, we began to search the city in earnest. They discovered that this city was but one of the many cities on the planet and that it was a rather small one at that.
Others began to gather objects from the city and began to examine them in order to determine what their functions were. Some didn’t need explanations because we could easily guess to what they were but others baffled them for a long time. It is hard to understand what happened here. It didn’t seem as though this planet was abandoned hastily. What is more mysterious is that as we search the cities, not once did we encounter another life form nor were we able to ascertain what they looked like.
When the civilian population received word that there were underground cities on the planet, more and more of them began petitioning to be allowed onto the planet. At first their requests were denied but after consideration, they were given permission. Within a short time, nearly all were on the planet.
Through careful examination, our engineers and scientists found what we were looking for all these years. A stable and immensely powerful chemical capable of creating an energy source that completely dwarfed our own. Yet to be able to use it, our technology had to be advanced as well. For this, they had to destroy their ships create new ones with the new technology that they had acquired.
I was happy because we were finally off those ships, on the ground, witnessing marvels beyond anything imaginable. Jelen was happy as well, it was in this time that she became pregnant again after many complications. Our son was already eight years old; many believed that good things would come from him. He was more mature than the boys his age.
Two years pass by on the planet that we had named X’Vier. Much had been done in those two years. Innumerable databases were copied from the races computers to ours, new ships had already been built far more advanced and more beautiful than the ones we had before. They were larger and allowed us to use a smaller workforce.
The engineers also began experimenting on the own working on all that they had learned. Weapons were some of the more important things. Through the use of energy, they could cause more damage than a projectile weapon. New plans for ships – for military nature were made. They also developed new shielding for ships as they travel through hyperspace, as well as exponential multiplying the capabilities of the hyperspace drive. Yet there were two things that they were most proud of inventing – the energy shield and “cloaking” technology.
We were too eager and busy with our jobs to notice that there was something wrong. At first we paid no attention to the disappearance of children among us. Many attributed this to the sheer size of the cities we lived in as well as how many of us there were. Yet more children began to disappear until my own son was taken from my own arms. I wasn’t able to see what it was that took him.
We began to search for the lost children, yet we knew that it would be impossible to find them. The more that we searched the more children were lost until only a few were left. The first conclusion that we came up with, was that we were being targeted by an unknown enemy.
Yet we never found that enemy. We never gave up hope but time passed and not one child was found. I was too depressed to notice that another year had passed. Our baby twins who were just over a year old helped us to cope with the lose of our firstborn. Soon after that, she became pregnant with another baby.
Due in part to this tragedy, we all decided to leave and take home all that we had discovered. When we arrived to earth a couple of months later, we were heralded as heroes for discovering a new energy source, a more powerful engine, as well as finding evidence that there is life other than our own in the universe.
How were we heroes? All we did was “borrow” technology from a race that we didn’t even know if they still lived. I certainly didn’t feel like a hero even after I was promoted to Admiral.
During that time period, we grew to understand the alien technology and incorporated it to our own. More expedition fleets were sent in search of X'vier but I was never found. With many advances being created, we began to explore the universe searching for more signs of life.
Eighty years have passed and we regret our decision to search for life in the universe. We found what we searched for, but we were sourly mistaken in thinking that they were peaceful…
I open my eyes, which I now notice were closed. My muscles are tense and tears roll down my face. I didn’t even notice Jelen hugging me. She too was crying, tears that were unable to be shed now flow freely down my face. After eighty years, I still wonder what became of my son and hope that he can forgive me for abandoning him. I wonder how he has fared all these years if he is alive…
My eyes close once again. Something within me begins to burn, in fear I think that it is my heart and I grab at my chest. Yet is it a hot searing pain that goes beyond understanding, spreading throughout my entire body. Jelen lets go of me as I fall onto the bed, her face full of horror. As the pain subsides, with my eyes closed I see someone or something. It approaches me but it is as if it’s surrounded by a veil so I can’t see what it looks like.
“Warn your people, human. They are in grave danger,” it says in a scratchy low voice.
“We have protected you for longer than we can remember,” says another appearing from thin air. “But we are no longer strong enough to defend you. Neither are we allowed to directly affect the outcome of what is to happen.”
“Thus, we have found a way,” begins the other.
“Warn your people and prepare them for the hard times before you. Those who will help you are on their way. When you find them, send them to these coordinates that we will show you.”
A myriad of images began to appear in my mind. At first, my fear and confusion didn’t allow me to understand anything I saw. Yet as the images replayed themselves, I began to understand.
“Those images have been imprinted on your mind, you will not forget this,” says one of them. “Farewell human at least for now.”
“Wait!” I scream out to them, as they begin to disappear.
One looks back and says, “We know you have many questions. Now is not the time. We will meet again.” With that, they disappeared.
My eyes open and I see Jelen with her tear strewn face. “Are you okay? I called for an ambulance,” she asks sadly.
“How I’m feeling…" I say wincing as I try to sit up again. Jelen helps me up and puts her arms around me. "How I feel is of no concern at the moment. I…" I say wincing once more. "I saw something. I’m not sure whether to believe it or not. I know that I was not sleeping so it is better to be prepared that be caught unawares.”
I begin to move up but my muscles are still weak from the pain that I had experienced. “What are you talking about?” Jelen asks.
“Bring me a map and call the admiral. There is much to be done.”
Author notes
if i add more, it wont be an intro but i hope that this is good - its a working progress(must remember Ruantorian)
A contest entry
- Small contest, big sci-fi by beyondsonic.
100 points, ended June 15, 2007, 13 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - SW Presents--Fan Fiction--3 Month Gold or Silver at stake! by Violet Moodswing.
700 points, ended May 28, 2007, 28 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Options AHOY! (That's pirate speak for lots of options, come take a look!) by CyberSoulmate.
130 points, ended June 2, 2007, 13 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Contest for All - Big Points to win! by k3nny.
1250 points, ended June 16, 2007, 53 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Impress Me! (now allowing pre-writes, with new rule) by MDavid.
1500 points, ended June 4, 2007, 38 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 59 of 59
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This is a good science fiction story. I thought the descriptions were good, and it had a very good pace. I also like how you described the main character's life a small bit. Its always good to give a character a background. I am really surprised that you have not won a trophy (not counting honorable) for this story. I look forward to read more.
Also, I might make a SciFi contest some time this summer, would you like me to tell you when, so you can enter?
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Very good
This was good, and fun to read. in my opinion, it needs more discriptive writing, but other than that its very good.
a pleasure to read, Thanks
Kurtis -
this is excelent all it needs is a little more desciption for it but other than that it was a very good proluge
good job
hand claps
Great
keep on writing
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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GREAT JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Good job i loved it you are the best keep on writting please this is the best !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Bit long for a prologue but still awesome
You have done a great job with this! great description, style, sentence structure and good use of extended vocabulary. You have avery mature sense of writing. He was a great character keep up the good work
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this is a really great job you have done, i love the way you have mannaged to express the characters feelings and emotions along with his thoughts, i would love to read more!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Way to go!
Great sotry, the character is very interesting and I find myself wanting to know even more about him. I would love to read more and see what you have instore for this character.
Great job and keep writing!
Summer -
GREAT JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
it was so goood i loved it please write more it was so good be in my contest you would maybe win i swear........ GREAT JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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This is an interesting format, I find. Flows like a mix of a ships log and stream of consciousness mixed with narration. I think that is an good combination for this type of genre. Fits it quite nicely.
Sometimes I felt in the general running of the writing that you may have wanted to be a bit more free with your words and show rather than just tell the reader what you want them to know. But that works for a prologue so I can not really fault you there.
Well.
Keep writing
God bless -
My memory is not only full of sadness. Many good things happened in my life; like my beloved wife who has stood by my side for all these years. To be able to see my children grow and become the people that they are today. For having seen things that many would not have ever dreamt of seeing. I can't complain. I know that there is a God. After all that I have seen, I can only be assured of that
This is a very good prologue
I really love the sound of this story, and will read and wait for more!!!!!!!
Great job! -
I love your story! Great job!
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This is excellent, maybe a little more description, but I just like to visualise things. I like how at the start you describe the cycle:
'This is the way of life. We are born, we live, grow old, and then die; a cycle in which we all go through'
Yeah, really good.
The work is nice, it has a good plot and the story in general. It has a good amount of suspense and it's nice and original.
This was great. -
Not my favourite genre, i admit, but this was good with nice description and plenty of suspence
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liked it but be careful about the term "space marine" the words are copyrighted by gamesworkshop
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WOW
wow josh this is really good i'm glad i finally read it it's great i can't wait to read the rest keep up the good work -
More expedition fleets were sent in search of X'vier but I was never found. I should be it.
Ummm well, I must say; this work is nice. It has a nice plot to it and I like the story. However, you tend to over-explain some parts. You may wish to change the structure of the parts where you are explaining; they seem a little too 'off-story'.
Otherwise, I liked the plot and the storyu in general. It's really an original idea!
Thanks for entering and good luck! -
once again, i am awed at you talent. I have read and commented on this before, but it was worth reading again. minus a few grammer errors, awsome job, such supense! great discription, good choice for this contest
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Wow! This was very good! There was little awkward phrasing and maybe some more description would prove beneficial but it was overall a very great and interesting piece. XD I enjoyed it much! Great, great job!
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Thanks for entering
good work -
I don't mean to be mean when I say this: Why did you enter my contest? The story you've entered is quite remarkable and I did enjoy reading it very much. It just might have placed if not for the fact that you already have quite a few trophies. Keep up the fan-diddly-tastic writing! Hope to read more of your works in the future!
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Thanks for your entry. I enjoyed reading it. Best of luck in the contest
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well done a nice bit of sifi all the best
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hmmm I'm not fimilar with this one but I think that overall you did very good with this
I wish you the best of luck in the contest.
- KariKaRama - -
I enjoyed it a lot, although this fits my idea of Sci-Fi more than Fantasy. The events in your story were interesting, but a little difficult for me to picture. However, it was easy to keep up with it and I really did enjoy it.
The only thing that strikes me is that the protagonist sounds a lot younger than 110 years old! Maybe he's still young at heart, but still...
Thank you for entering my contest. -
Woot, I FINALLY got to read your work. Sorry for taking so long
I love the opening paragraph - it grabbed my attention and just had me awestruck, and it helped me propel myself to read faster, to reach more.. I love the idea of living somewhere else, other than the planet earth ^_^ and I agree about the news, that they always have depressing stuff on x.x
Would this guy be some sort of seer that cna see the future, or messenger from the gods, like Cassandra?
It's all very interesting (and is Ruantorian the genre of this fanfic?)
But for a prologue, I think this is a bit too long? That may just be my personal take though ^_^
Thanks for sharing this with us
Good luck with the contest! -
This is nicely done, although one of the criteria was black font/white background. I'm wondering what this is based on, since I have no guess. It's a great story, though, full of nice imagery and description as well as some great dialogue.
Thank you for entering, and good luck with the contest
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ooooooo. very good. yes, i like the changes u made josh and hope that i helped with the sugestions i told u about before.
anyway.
good job and i cant wait to read more. maybe just shorter next time -
Very nice sci-fi story. Which option was it?
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there were 10 options
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nope, i gave two options
1. anything you want
2. read my stories and write a continueing chapter - which if you do, you will gain my favor.
then i gave 6 rules. there are only 2 options man
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there were only 2 options man...
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great
Loved it, can't wait for the first chapter. -
Ok Josh I read this. It is very interesting and you set it up nicely. But I feel, for a prologue, that there was just too much information the process. Also in the beginning I didn't know it wasn't set in the this age. If maybe you could stick something in that say 'Hey we're in the future here!' it might make that clearer.
Ok now I'm going to go look for more.
~*Brooke*~
Oh also now that I read something of yours, I would appreciated it if you would read something of mine. Thanks
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wow wow
wow i liked this it was like sci fi josh you did awesomeeee one this i will read more all i can say is wow wow wow wow great job keep up with this it really good
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This is so good. I wish I could use as vast a vocabulary as you. This is a wonderful story and I can't wait to read more. Now on to the next!
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Well done
First/second paragraphs-Lacks a hook, seems monotonic, the introduction of the character through self reflection seems at best stale, spice it up a bit yet it is decent. The use of common phrases like stuck by my side is come what “cliché”.
Suggestion-
-”we”-be changed to something along the lines as “all people” or simply “people”. The we is as most English professors will tell you, weak.
-”good things”-Again it is a stale phrase lacking emotion or connection.
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Third Paragraph- Voice does not seem like that of a old man.
Suggestion-
-The “...” messes up the flow, although it might be good int that it indicates thought it is rarely used in professional writing.
-”Not all that bad...”-again a stale phrase
Quick error- “loosing” -should be “losing” (Eighth paragraph down).
.........(would continue on but line numbers are not listed and reference becomes impossible)
Excellent story over all, yet references to events is somewhat told in passing, these events could be expanded upon since they in fact may be necessary parts of the story. (I realize this can be done later on) As well some to the explanations lack the “reality” they usually have in professional stories, they seem unbelievable. Yet, you did a satisfactory job. Again good job, I just wish the line numbers could be seen so I could comment further.
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i liked it!!!! i think it was very good, not necissarily my favorate type, but i di d like it!!! keep up the good work! very nicely written.
Taylor
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my kind of story
I loved reading this novel so far. It kept my interest right the way through, and you provided vivid imagery, and believable characters. I can't wait to read the other chapters -
gj! im not the biggest fan of sci fi. but nice job here. more dilague would be nice, but none the less gj and keep it up
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You did well with all the description in this. Thanks for entering, and good luck!
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wow...
wow... all i have got to say is wow... this is like... the awsomest novel i think ive ever seen.... just as good as Ch. 1... however, i did spot a flaw...
like on earth does rely on oxygen for life, but nigrogen is also importent, making up something like 70% or so of our atmosphere, so yo might want to re-word Paragraph 26 (im pretty sure) to oxygen-based or something like that
anywho, i luved it and i luv how you have diaganal buildings instead of virtical. i LUV it when people make up something like that! A++
beginning: 5, language: 4, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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I'm a little confused with the sudden change of tense in the third paragraph. It goes from him looking back to him talking in the present. Was he thinking or writing something down? It kinda confused me.
As for the rest of the story, it's great!! I loved it and it was very vivid and imaginative. I liked the way you described things!! Very nice!!
If there's more, I want to read it, ok? ^__^
~Kaelynn~
beginning: 4, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Okay
Science Fiction isn't my type. But so far I like it. The characters are belivable. But why so much info? Were you scared that the readers might not have understood? Anyways You need more dialog. and story plot. but I liked it
beginning: 4, language: 5, plot: 3, ending: 3, dialog: 3, characters: 5.
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Interesting.
I found myself wanting to read more! It reminds me of some movies. Can't wait to read the rest. Good job mate. Sure you don't want to be a writer??
beginning: 3, language: 4, plot: 5, ending: 3, dialog: 5, characters: 4.
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Do You Know....
I'm not a great fan of science-fiction...LOL.
I'll try and read it when I come back, but so far, when I see the comments below this one, it sounded alright, by the reaction, lol. Oh yeah, one thing you should know, I like saying "lol" alot for some reason, and it is one of my bad habbits, lol.
Paul is sometimes hard to talk to....(age difference)... but he is a good critiquer...lol...well so far he is for some reason.
Oh well, I gotta go now, ttfn.
Peace!
~ JC -
GOOD INTRODUCTION
HE POWER OF A GOOD INTRODUCTION TO YOUR STORY!
It appears that you are beginning to develop an understanding of what an Introduction is suppose to be and how to effectively use one in your stories.
I think you will find in your future postings that if you make it a point of including an Introduction for all of your submissions (IE-if you do not already do so), you will attract a lot more people to reading and reviewing your submissions(IE-that's one of the major goals for posting,right?). The use of an introduction in your submissions will reach out there and grab the members, presenting them with an exciting and powerful attention grabber, making them want to click on your story and read it(which of course is what we all want).
Let me make a few points on your submission.
(1.) When constructing an Introduction, every sentence we use is important to the final story. Each sentence must contribute to conveying the plot of the storyline. If they do not, they weaken the the Introduction and the story.
> Now that you have written the first draft of your Introduction go back over it. Look at each and every sentence you used and ask yourself (a.) Do I need this sentence to explain my story or my plot or can I leave it out?, (b.) Can I say what I am saying in a shorter/clearer/more consise way and still be able to explain my story. Then rewrite your Introduction and make it even better.
(2.) You have accomplished the main goal of the Introduction in that you have managed to summarize your stoyline down while still conveying to the reader what your entire storyline is all about.
> This is very good for your attempt at writing an Itroduction. A lot of writers find it hard to do what you have done here. Good Job!
(3.) You have also managed to do what all good Introductions must do. That is your Introduction has reached out there and grabbed the interest and excitment of your readers. Your Introduction has shown your potential readers that you have an interesting exciting story to offer them and they will respond with a loud call to want to read your story.
> This is very good for your up and comming story. You already have readers standing in line to read your story and you have not even finished it yet. Can you now see the power of using the Introduction in your writing? Good Job!
Now let me comment on your Introduction.
> The flow of the intro is good. It presents the reader with an easy, nice moving pace and read.
> The begining is not to slow and you move the story nicely from beginning through the body of the story to it's ending.
> The reader hook you are using to end the story is Very effective. It makes the reader want to get right into reading the story to find out what your story is all about. Very nice technique here in using the reader hook.
> There is sort of a suspenful sort of action/conflict in this story which is quite unique. It is sort of a subtle form of action that keeps the reader interested right up to the ending. Nice job here.
> There are some awkward phrasing and jerky wording that should be looked at and given some attention.
> There are also some spelling and grammar blips that should be given some editing attention.
All in all you have created a unique little piece of work here with alot of reader interest and drawing power. You should be proud of this intro. It is one fine piece of work. I would not settle for just having a good intro. With some editing and a little reworking here and there you could have an execellant intro. that other writers would envie. Good Job.
Thank you for entering this in the contest and sharing with everyone the power of your techniques. It will serve to inspire others to do the same.
Paul -
Oooo...
Yes, this is a much better rendition of your story's prologue, and I very much enjoyed it. Most everything looks great for a prologue and certainly captures the reader's attention, pulling them into the first chapter (I hope). Well done.beginning: 3, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 3, dialog: 4, characters: 4.
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AWWW, OMG, I LOVE IT!! lol, this is a great write so far and I can't wait to read more! There were a couple mistakes, so here they are:
"Yet, I was not one of those wide-eyed men who would eagerly sacrifice all that they had and new to see space.18" "new" should be "knew"
My wife, who had also suffered from the loss of her son, gave birth to twins. This helped me greatly to cope with the death of my firstborn.37"
I think that it shouldn't be "suffered from the loss of her son," but "our son"
Other than that, the story was great and I can't wait to read more. So keep writing and good luck! -
Very interesting
First off let me say that I like the idea of this story. It's very different and that's great! I noticed that you didn't have a period at the end of paragraph 3. I think that you should add more diologe and be less direct. Maybe you could go into the searching for the children with more detail? Other then that I love your idea here. Good job so far!
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hey. really good story. i enjoyed reading it. its an interesting beginning, maybe u want to edit just a teeny weeny bit. there's nothing that really jumps out at me thats wrong, so good job and i cant wait to read more!
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not my type of thing but I think it's pretty good.
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I understand the whole city deal. There's a city laying around, so you assume that there is life here, but then it dawns on you that there isn't anything happening inside the city. So, you see, it all makes sense. No confusion here. To me, just another of one of your very long prologues.
beginning: 5, language: 4, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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curious
I like this but I wanted to see more! oh, and the 3rd sentence needs help... lol. very good nonetheless
beginning: 3, language: 3, plot: 3, ending: 2, characters: 3.
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Very good
this is a really good story. but why is it called saloman?
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Quite Interesting
How do you do that? I mean how do you write a story like that? I can't get any to go that way, they just cark it before anything good happens. -
vwery good
it was pretty good i liked how you gave good detail and described it very well good job.
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Interesting beginning. I think some of the wording could be rearranged but nothing major. I also didn't notice many glaring structural problems either. I would have to say this is extremely well done and worth the read.
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reall good keep up the good work i can't wait 2 read the book
-dawn- -
GREAT
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