Just Your Smile

It wasn't the fact that you weren't there, not even the fact that I had wished you to be there beside me. The day wasn't any worse than the one before, and would no doubt be no better or worse than the next. But something about it made me want to break down and cry. Just to feel your arms around my shoulders would have made it better - but I've always been good at hiding it when I needed to.1

It was something about the way you were always afraid it was your fault... something about your paranoia, that need to know if you did something wrong to hurt me, pulled me out each time. The fact that you cared - that's what made me focus on the world again... focus on you.2

But I had to wait for that, had to wait for you. I had to finish my classes - and you were still in work. You would come collect me as soon as you were off - it was our routine. Wednesdays were pool nights, you always got off early in the evening so that we could spend a few hours together. I needed that time with you now, but I would have to wait.3

The time seemed to take forever as I sat quietly in the corner of my room, watching the clock as it seemed to slow and stop - and the soft ticking recieded and the tolls were soundless. And when it seemed that the clock was dead, that time had fallen to pieces around me, you were there.4

Your worried face lay sideways on my shoulder, your arms wrapped protectively around my waist from behind. A quiet question, one coupled with worry and caution, as if you feared shattering my mind if you spoke louder.5

"Was it something I did? Did I do something to upset you?"6

I shook my head, and though I longed to turn and embrace you - I found myself resisiting. I didn't want to react suddenly, to scare you into believing it was worse than it really was. I wouldn't allow myself to cry in front of you - because I know that would have hurt you more than if you had really been the reason.7

So instead I breathe slowly, listening to your heart pounding against your breast bone, against my back. Slowly I turn to face you, close my eyes and rest my head lightly against your shoulder so that the beat of your heart resounds through my head, calming me with the steady rhythm.8

"Are you going to be alright?"9

Another question, and I knew there were more. You always held back what you really wanted to say when I wasn't ready to take it... I was your charge in this aspect. You took care of my fragile mind, as much as I took care of you when I had the ability.10

I nod slowly in affirmation, I'll be alright now that you're here - but I can't tell you that. All I need is time.11

"Do you need to be alone?"12

"No." My answer is immediate, and though it comes out as barely a whisper - cold and tenative - it feels as if it's been ripped from my body, shreading my lungs in it's urgencey to be heard. My hand spasams, clasps the back of your shirt tightly, and relaxes again.13

Just a little time, that's all I need, and that's what you give me. Just a quiet presence to lean against as I readjust myself to the world. Now that you're here I can focus on you, and the hours of pool ahead. The thought of your smile as we talk over the table, and your exasperation as your tallent leaves you hanging and allows me to take the game.14

Perhaps the day wasn't bad at all... perhaps I just needed something to compare it too?15

"Let's go play some pool, hun."16

Your smile convinces me, and suddenly the world is right again.17