Windhill (second try)

Kaitlin stood for a moment looking beyond her transparent image in the floor length window. The sun was in the west descending behind the massive purple mountains that stood in front of the rampart. The peaks of the mountains were dusted with brilliant white snow like a delicate pastry. The emerald green hills cascaded down to the vast lake that lay beyond the barricades of Windhill.1

The fading sun made her copper highlights glint between golden ringlets, catching her eye and drawing her attention away from landscape and to the crowd below. Speckled with gold, her jade eyes regarded the stairs with quiet concentration as she willed herself not to fall, knowing that one wrong step could send her rolling down the stairs. Her plump lips were drawn in a disheartened frown, glanced at the large crowd gathered below. Drawing in a deep breath, she grasped the skirt of her royal blue gown and started her descent.2

One by one the groups of people turned towards her. Glass clinked against bottles as the waitstaff hurried to refill the champagne flutes.3

The v-necked bodice of her satin gown tightly squeezed her ribs together, while angling down towards her slim waist. The sleeves were bluntly cut just under her shoulders reviling ivory skin where goosebumps formed. The tips of her new opened toed blue sandals peeked out from under the edge of her skirt. She paused at the last stone step.4

Standing at the bottom of the staircase stood Forbes Aleksander, her older brother, waiting patiently for her to finish her grand entrance. Forbes slim lips held a smile of amusement as he caught her disapproving frown. His light brown eyes sparkled as he shook his head at her, laughing silently.5

Kaitlin stepped down and linked her hand in the crook of his well-muscled arm. Out of the corner of her mouth she demanded, “Quit laughing at me or I’ll elbow you in the gut.”6

Instantly he stopped, but smirk played on his lips. He patted her arm gently with worn hands as he led her to the middle of the room.7

Palmer Aleksander, the middle child of Pierce and Olivia Aleksander stood waiting patiently for them both. As they approached he turned to the crowd. The thought of their mother and father brought on a twinge of sadness. She wished they could have been here to see her finish moment.8

“May I have your attention please?” Palmer’s deep baritone voice echoed throughout the gathering. He waited for the murmured voices to settle to silence. Then in on swift movement he came to stand beside her. “We, my brother Forbes and I, would like to present to you our youngest family member and most stubborn of sister’s.” Stifled laughter rippled across the room. She gave Palmer a grimace and looked away from him. “Kaitlin Anne Aleksander.”9

Applause exploded from the assembly as everyone wished her a happy birthday. Elated smiles beamed from her brother as they scanned the faces of their guests. She dropped her hand from Forbes’ arm and he put his hand on the small of her back and pushed Kaitlin gently forward through the crowd. Kaitlin nodded and smiled to her guests, taking her brother’s lead.10

“I really hate this,” whispered Kaitlin biting her lower lip.11

“I know sweetheart, but mother and father would have liked it this way.” He said quietly.12

“Would they have really? I mean would they have paraded me out like a show pony?” She asked, rubbing the palm of her hand against her dress.13

“I think they would have, yes.”14

“I don’t believe you, but you do look nice in your tux so I’ll let you get away with this. But next birthday it’s your turn. By the way I like the blue bow tie and flower.”15

As the conversation took place he was leading her towards four young men, the same age and height. Kaitlin recognized three of the four, but the other was unknown.16

“Jensen, Julian,” Forbes nodded at each.17

In a mock whisper Kaitlin asked, “how can you tell them apart? Both have the same hair, same eyes…” she paused a few heartbeats, ‘everything.”18

Everyone laughed politely except for the twins. Their sky blue eyes glared from underneath shaggy blond hair.19

After the laughter died slightly Forbes resumed introductions, “and this unbendable young man is Liam Charles Crede 3rd.”20

Kaitlin held out a slim hand, “yes brother, we’ve met.”21

Liam stiffly took her hand. “You look as lovely as ever Kaitlin.” He gave her hand a slight squeeze then dropped her hand, but held her eyes longer.22

“Hphff-hum,” the man next to Liam cleared his throat.23

Kaitlin slid her eyes away from Liam’s dark pools and gasped softly.24

“Thaddeus Cole may I present my sister Kaitlin.” Said Forbes breaking the silence.25

“Charmed,” he replied while taking her hand just as Liam had. He bent over it and brushed his full lips against the back of her hand. A chill ran up Kaitlin’s lightly freckled arm making the hairs standup.26

Thaddeus Cole lifted his eyes to meet her and continued, “but people just call me Cole. Only my mother calls me Thaddeus anymore.” A deep baritone laugh came from lips as he brushed back his chocolate colored hair from his forehead.
“Well since everyone knows one another I will leave you to greet some new guests.”27

The five young adults watched as Forbes walked into the crowd. Other couples caught Kaitlin’s eyes and waved. She politely waved back but her eyes kept wandering back to Cole.28

“Hey Kaitlin, how much did that dress cost?” Jensen asked looking her up and down.29

“$50.00 off the rack at a thrift shop,” put in Julian as he elbowed Jensen. They both snickered behind thick hands.30

“Nice tux, too bad it looks better on Liam and my brothers then on you two.” Kaitlin sneered in their direction.31

“Nice one. Where did you learn to talk like that?” Asked Cole, turning her away from the others.32

She cocked her head and raised an eyebrow before replying, “Whatever do mean, sir?”33

He laughed again and she decided she liked the sound. Small goose bumps again rose upon her arms.34

“The way you let that slide off you,” he replied.35

“I’ve dealt with them and their kind before.” She flipped her copper ringlets over her right shoulder.36

The night dragged on and Kaitlin greeted her guests, mingling with friends and business associates. All the awhile Cole hovered nearby, always keeping close by. Eyes darted from the subject in front of him to Kaitlin’s bare shoulders and slender neck.
At last the guests started to depart and the three Aleksanders stood at the entrance wishing them a safe journey. As the last couple left Forbes turned to Kaitlin. “And how did it go tonight? Hove a good time?”37

She glanced between reddish lashes and replied, “as long as I stayed away from J and J, it was quite nice.”38

Puzzled Palmer asked, “J and J?”39

“Jenson and Julian, the terrible twosome.” Forbes answered for her.40

“And what about that new man, Thaddeus Cole?”41

“He wants us to just call him Cole, Forbes. And to answer your question he was very attentive. He was never far from my side. But…” she continued when it looked like Palmer was going to interrupt, mustache twitching under his nose. “But he never let anyone feel his attention wasn’t fully on them.”42

“Umm hmm.”43

“Palmer stop!” She swatted his broad shoulders. She bit her lower lip and looked innocently at her two brothers.44

Forbes glanced around at the empty hall, “where is he now?”45

Kaitlin shrugged delicate shoulders, “I’m not sure. He asked if he could call on me tomorrow night. I said fine. Guess we’ll see him then.”46

Palmer and Forbes said goodnight and drifted away as Kaitlin watched the hustle of the cleaning staff efficiently strip the hall.47


***48

Kaitlin struggled against the silk sheets as she thrashed from side to side. As she slept strange imagines crowded her sleeping mind. 49

For most was blood. Splashes spread across the gray stonewalls of the hall two stories below. Wood boards lay scattered here and there. Scrams of terror, moans of pleasure echoed through her sleeping brain. Swirling colors, whirling around an image. A dark figure standing alone, silver glinted in the candlelight. She recognized them as blades. Daggers of high quality, unscratchable.50

Blades whirling in front of the dark figure, coat bellowing out behind him, white teeth catching more firelight.51

Copper, she could smell copper. Hot warm blood oozed and gushed from wounds sustained from guest of the party.52

Unexpectedly her mother appeared, pale and translucent. A long white dress trailed after. Crimson specks dotted the corners of her mouth.53

“Mom!” Cried Kaitlin. Her arms reaching out to her. “Mom, what’s happening?” 54

Olivia Aleksander stroked her daughter’s tearstained cheek and replied, “What fate has forseen. Chaos, destruction. The death of your race.”55

Confused she asked her dream mother, “my race?”56

Olivia’s ice blue eyes pierced Kaitlin’s jade one before replying, “the race of warm blood, of beating hearts, of veins filled with life.”57

“I don’t understand mother.” Kaitlin pleaded. Olivia’s sharp fingernails pinched her soft skin, drawing blood. “What am I to do?”58

Shaking her head from side to side Olivia Aleksanders blond hair fell back from her fragile shoulders. “Two are the key. Same side of a coin yet different as night and day. Remember my child trust only the one whose name comes from underground.”59

“Mother, mother I don’t understand.” Kaitlin called franticly, but the image of the dream and her mother faded.60

Kaitlin sat up and a cold sweat had enveloped her body. Her hair hung in damp strands and the sheets were wrapped around her ankles. Unable to sleep, she threw back the covers and paced the room. The beating of her heart set the rhythm of her pacing. From her bed to the window, once, then twice. At the third pass she paused to stare down into the courtyard. The moon was not yet full but it still shed light on the shrubs and trees that lined the borders. The fountain, with it rearing stone horses, sparkled under the moon’s light.61

Not even the fountain could distract her from her dream. Kaitlin turned from the window and left the deep run that covered most of her floor. The stone floor was cold and hard beneath her bare feet as she padded towards her desk. “I must write this down,” she said out loud to herself. She wasn’t quite sure why it felt so important for her to do so. “It’s only a dream, but something about it felt so real.”62

White paper reflected the candlelight as she lit the single candle on a cast iron stand. Beside the glowing paper sat a stoppered pot with a single peacock feather quill lying next to it. A birthday gift from Palmer before the guests arrived for the party last night. It’s brilliant electric blues mingled with the vivid purples and sunshine yellows of the eye.63

Fleeting imagines passed before her as she closed her eyes, remembering her dream. People running towards the doors and smoke choking, making the air unbearable. The sound of their screams so filled with terror. A shiver crept up Kaitlin’s back; settling on her neck and making the small hairs stand up. Her mothers sweet jasmine perfume lingered in the air as the words played across the blank sheets before her.64

She wrote hastily, ‘Two are the key. Same side of the same coin, yet different as day and night. One leads and the other follows.’ Where had that come from? She thought to herself. ‘Trust only the one whose name comes from underground.’65

She put the flowing quill down and looked at the words she had written. She still didn’t understand what they meant. The last part was what puzzled her the most. “Underground name?” She said aloud, shaking her head.66

Finally unable to hold her eyelids open she dragged herself back to bed all the while her arms and legs felt like lead. Her thoughts turned towards Cole as she drifted towards sleep. His arresting eyes sparkling while he laughed and his thick dark hair reflecting the many lights of the candles, as they danced. A soft smile played across plump lips as she reflected on his behavior that night. His watchful eyes, his warm hand on the small of her back and he was never far from her. 67

Keeping the smile, she coasted off to where the dreams were pleasant. Where blood and the screams of horror were kept restrained behind invisible barriers of sanity.68

***69


“Kaitlin, you look like death warmed over, to use the old clique.”70

“Thanks Palmer, you look like your girly self as always.” Kaitlin retorted.71

“Point one to Kait. Palmer zero.” Scored Forbes.72

“Oh shut up, Forbes.” Kaitlin spat.73

“My, my, what’s put you in such a bad mood little sister?” Asked Forbes.74

She came up behind him, wrapped her arms around his thick shoulders and planted a kiss on his right cheek.75

“I’m sorry. I just had a terrible night last night. I didn’t sleep well.”76

Moving past Palmer she flopped down on the chair at the end of the polished table and started pushing her eggs around the plate. The dining hall was a small cozy room that held an oval table in the center surrounded by elegantly scrolled chairs. On the walls hung colorfully weaved tapestries depicting hunts of ancestors long since gone. The table had been set for the three of them; delicate china plates and gleaming silverware were set in their proper places.77

Today she woke feeling tired and sluggish. Almost like she had too much to drink the night before, but she hadn’t. Pulling on a worn pair of jeans, she had fallen over and landed on the floor bruising her backside. That had made her angry. Angry enough to have pulled her forest green sweater on harder then she needed too, causing it to stretch out. Then bare-footed she padded down to breakfast.78

“Why’s that sis?” Asked Palmer while passing the toast over to her.79

Taking the toast she set it beside her plate then crossed her hands in her lap before speaking. “It was a dream, so it was a jumbled mess. People were screaming, lots of running, smoke, you know, general chaos.”80

“Yea, I get those all the time. Specially right after mom and dad died.” Forbes took a drink of coffee, followed by silence.81

Kaitlin again pushed her eggs around while she thought about the night her patents had died.82

Pierce and Olivia had gone down to the stables late one night. One of her mother’s favorite mares was having a difficult labor and the foal was lodged in the canal. Olivia went down to soothe the mare and her father went to be there for her mother. No one is quite sure what happened, but a very frightened Palmer had awakened Kaitlin. She remembered watching the flames licking at the roof, the firemen running around pulling large hoses, lots of static and Forbes and Palmer standing there beside her as the fire consumed their parents and the stable.83

It had only been six months and the memory still hurt. She could feel her chest tighter and tears prickling behind her eyes. She closed them against the memory of fire and screams. 84

Taking a deep breath she brought up a new topic. “Why are you two dressed in old clothes? Those jeans look like they are held together with only thread.”85

Palmer looked up from his plate as though he had forgotten anyone else was there. He quickly composed himself and replied, “I’m off to help muck the stable. Ted’s out sick, so I volunteered.”86

“And I am riding out with Tom.” Forbes said in between bites of toast.87

“But it’s going to snow any day now. Shouldn’t you be bringing them in?”88

“Couple more days and we will. Don’t worry.”89

“Just don’t wait too long. Remember what happened last year. We almost lost half the herd because of frost.”90

“I won’t let that happen this year, I promise boss.” He said saluting her.91

Silence again followed. Kaitlin shifted in her chair, struggling to find away to finish telling them of her dream. Breakfast was coming to a close and Forbes was folding up his newspaper before she found a way to phrase her dream so she blurted out, “Mom was in my dream.”92

Forbes and Palmer stopped what they were doing and turned to her. “You haven’t dreamed of mom since the accident.” Said Forbes.93

Kaitlin nodded her head slowly, wide eyes staring at her brothers. Tears threatened to fall as she swallowed. “Mom came to me with blood on her face. Said something about two of the same and underground. Oh, I’m not sure. And that’s all I really remember.” Desperation had filled her voice at the end. The tears she had been holding back finally fell. Forbes gathered her into his arms; he murmured soft words of comfort. Palmer stood at her back, squeezing her shoulder, doing his best to comfort her in his way.94

95

96

97

98

99

100

101



102

Author notes

Have rewritten this as of October 3rd. Still not finished but now hopefully the description doesn't distract from the story. The comments below are from the first story before the rewrite.
~Syren~
There's a rewrite in here plus I've added on, as of October 9th.

In a list

Please tell me what you think

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    : Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have 0. (?) (Line numbers)
    Ratings:

Comments

1 - 11 of 11

  • Jargo Oberan
    October 14, 2006

    Edit | Reply
    This highlights why I don't like long stories on this site. So much happens in this unbroken text that it just all blurs together into a frustrated mess. Try cutting it into scenes and publish each seperately. This would also help with posting speed since you aren't trying to finsh everything.

    I liked the party scene, maybe make that longer. The detail is good. The dream sequence is oddly graphic and seems very out of place in the somber joy of this story. Perhaps talk more about her parents and emphasize that they are dead and perhaps give some hints as to how.

    This also feels like a very anime plot, most specifically Sailor Moon, but that's not too bad. Her eyes though need to be more realistic. If you're trying to mark her as an alien, have many signs, not just one.


  • poewhit
    September 28, 2006

    Edit | Reply
    I think it will be a thick book. You seemed to flower the characters a little but its your style. I see the woman in the character detail. Maybe you have a hint of self jealousy in really wanting to be in the grand hall. I myself wouldnt mind a wine there.


  • Bella Corday
    September 27, 2006

    Edit | Reply
    You have a good beginning. The characters are interesting enough to keep the reader's attention and the details work very well, detailed without being overly descriptive.

    I did have to read the first paragraph twice to get the significance of the window. She caught a glimpse of herself on the way down and stopped to study it?

    I think this story shows promise and I am also intrigued by the fourth man. Although the arrogance of the twins and their significance to Kaitlin is something I would like to see expounded as well.

    A few typos here and there, nothing distracting from the story though. Looking forward to more.


    • SageSyren Greeters member
      September 28, 2006
      Edit | Reply

      Yup

      Yup the window is confusing people. I think I've reworded now and I'm hoping that it will clear it up. Also Kaitlin is vain. I just was waiting to point that out more later. I want to thank you for reading and taking time to point out what needs to be done. I'm hoping to get the corrections and add some more on later today.
      Again thanks for your honesty and your help.
      ~Syren~


  • TheLittleOne-Paul
    September 27, 2006
    Edit | Reply

    THIS CRAP IS BEAUTIFUL CRAP

    Hi Syren;

    First of all let me just say that this piece is far to elegant and beautiful to be shitcanned and you would be nuts not to build on it and make it a wonderful story.

    O.K. Lets' talk about the piece for a while. The story reminded me of "Gone With The Wind" when Scarlett desends her staircase dressed in a gown made from window curtains.

    There are as usual a number of spelling/wording/sentence construction/grammar errors that will need some editing attention but not all that many.

    I think your use of the descripitive narrative to setup the scene and the characters is very well done and executed. So much so in fact that you fell right into the "show don't tell"trap. In the entire chapter there is only on line of actual character dialogue. While said elgentantly, you told us the whole chapter none the less. I think you should give some serious consideration to breaking up all of the solid narration with more dialogue. Maybe use dialogue to present some of your character descriptions through some good interactive dialogue between the brothers and her potential suiters, say at the foot of the stairs.

    The theme of the story is not all that clear and remains somewhat confusing right to the end. Why is she all dressed up and coming down to a roomfull of people? Is this her comming out party? Is she announcing her engagement? Is she celebrating some sort of victory at the ranch? What?

    Some of the characterization seems a bit out of sync to me. With all of the grand surroundings and dress and gatherings we get the impression that these people are high class socialites but then there is the hint that they just might be plain old rough country folk dressed up in fine duds.

    Some of the scene set-up is also a bit out of sync. At first we get the impression with the long stair case and the name of the house that this is taking place in some sort of large southern plantation (theres Scarlett again) then comes the mountains and the hint of the place being a cattle ranch and that the place is located possibly in one of the midwestern states?

    Some of the dialogue seems to be slightly mismatch and maybe a little to period dated. The use of words such as "rampart and barricades" seem to be a little outdated (Scarlett, dear Scarlett..like nobody uses "dear" anymore). Speaking to word usage, how, if her body was transparent, could she see her refelection in the windows? The details can kill us sometimes.

    You also have a missing character danglling out there in from of the reader you seemed to have forgotten. You give the reader four young male suitors but when you get around to actually describing these guys you totally leave out the fourth mysterious guy. Not a singe reference to him other then to stage him within the group of suitors. The reader is saying ..Ok where is he and what is he all about anyway? If your intentions were to use this guy as part of a reader hook into the next chapter I think you have to do more with him than to just include him in the head count of her suiters.

    I like your use of the reader hook with the parents. We know they are gone from the kids but we don't know any of the the reasons for their not being there. Nice hook.

    The ending is completely flat like a pancake. As a reader there was nothing there that would encourage me to turn the page and want to find out what becomes of your story or cast of characters.

    This is a beautiful little piece which I think you should pick-up ,dust off, and make something out of.

    Paul

    • SageSyren Greeters member
      September 28, 2006
      Edit | Reply

      Thanks

      Thank you so much for taking the time to read this.
      I'll try to answer most of your questions about this. I wrote this when I was in my early twenties and was just getting serious about writing. My puncuation and grammar have never been very good but hey I'm still learning. I was trying to set this in an earlier time with a castle and a working village around it. But it does seem that I modernized it abit, what with the tuxedos. As I told Totem I needed to go through it but wanted something fresh on the board for this group. And it was a coming out to society party. You know like what they use to when back then.
      I haven't really given the fourth man an idenity yet. Characters sometimes just come to me while I'm writing and I hadn't picked this up in awhile (over ten years).
      I hope that answered most of what you asked. I hate not to leave some mystery around the story. And I've gotten some good feedback on this so I am going to pick it up, dust it off and see what I can make of it.
      Thank you again for your time and your honesty.
      ~Syren~


  • Token Massacre silver member
    September 27, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    This is a very interesting story, I think I'd have liked to have known more about the fact that she was about to be introduced to society. also about why her parents weren't there and what happened to them.
    the detailing was very well done, although at the beginning it was confusing as to why she would use a window to admire herself and not a mirror.
    There are some structural problems with this as well, also few grammatical problems. "each other" is used when comparing more than 2 people, when you're comparing only the twins ... one another should be used. Later, if you want I can help you go over the punctuation. I do hope you continue with this, I'd like to know who the mystery guy is

    • SageSyren Greeters member
      September 27, 2006

      Edit | Reply
      Thanks for reading and commenting. I wrote this so long ago so I'm hoping that my grammar, etc has improved. So I will go through it and make the changes you have suggested and do more to it.
      If I remember rightly she used the window instead of a mirror because she was coming down the stairs.
      I am going to go through it today and hopefully post the updated version tomorrow. After that yes I would love it if you would help on the puncuation.
      Again thank you for the read.
      ~Syren~

      • Token Massacre silver member
        September 27, 2006

        Edit | Reply
        take your time I can't wait to read the updated version of it. I tried to reply to this from my message box but it wouldn't let me for some reason =\ anyway I'll be around.

1 - 11 of 11