Clint Eastwood

When Sandra died Douglas`s life was over . Until Sandra , no woman had ever meant anything to Douglas but sex . The fact that he never seemed to have too much difficulty procuring that commodity had always seemed to make him instantly desirable to certain women . And if they were pretty enough , wanted it badly enough and asked him nicely – he might . It could have been a brilliantly contrived and highly successful act. But it wasn`t . For Douglas , that`s just the way things were and had always been . He drove women crazy , at least any who were shallow , foolish or unlucky enough to get involved with him . His indifference had a particularly strong appeal to really good looking women . The challenge , apparently , was irrestible to them . But it was a game they were bound to lose for Douglas would not play to their rules - or any rules . For him there was no game . He simply got bored with women quickly and had no qualms about letting them know that . Their resulting heartbreak/tantrums vaguely amused him , nothing more . 1

With Sandra it had been different right from the start . She simply wasn`t like anyone he`d ever met before.And she appeared , as if God-sent , exactly when he needed someone - more than he had ever done before in his life .She was the last thing in the world he might have been looking for . How can someone look for something they`ve no idea even exists . 2

Everything about Sandra would be a brand new experience . Starting with how they met . Up until then most of Douglas`s women would have been pick-ups . They would have come on to him in bars or night-clubs when both he and they were drunk or getting there .3

He`d met Sandra at the local supermarket . He`d been making a business call in his capacity as heir-apparent to his fathers food importing business.He`d been day-dreaming as he waited to be seen when he saw her at the cold display choosing cheeses . She was dropping a Danish blue into her basket when she caught him idly eyeing her .4

“ I don`t know why I buy this stuff – it stinks !” , she said . 5

“ It`s meant to “ he replied . 6

“ I know that – it was a feckin`joke !” .Her face broadened into a huge smile without looking at him .7

She continued rummaging on the top shelf , which , he noticed , she could reach rather too easily . This girl was tall . And despite her expensive clothes and beauty-parlour perfect make-up and hairstyle, the classic armour worn by the rich and insecure , there was something care-free and almost clumsy about her movements . She was somehow natural and un-self-conscious . It suggested a lack of guile – and Douglas liked that .8

” Have you tried this ? “ .9

He was holding a circle of packaged brie . She barely glanced at it . The smile hadn`t quite left her face . 10

“ It`s crap – I much prefer this one “ .11

She dropped a nearby alternative into the basket 12

. “ Don`t let my father hear you say that – he imports this stuff !” .13

He didn`t smile but he was enjoying the little game they were starting . He looked at her legs . She let him know she`d caught him doing it . And that she didn`t mind .14

“ Were you thinking of introducing us then ?” .15

He couldn`t help smiling at her boldness . It was like something he might have said . He liked her .16

“ Fancy yourself a bit , don`t you ! “ , he said smiling broadly .17

“ Now look who`s talking “ – her reply came over her shoulder as she began to move on towards the next display.She was almost laughing .18

“ But yes actually – I do ! The question is – do I fancy you ! “ .19

Upping the ante was a game Douglas liked to play – and liked to win . The situations where he might have used the tactic would usually have been of a more confrontational nature , quickly culminating in a pre-emptive strike with his size 12 right boot .20

DOUGLAS21

He`d arrived in Dublin in 1964 , the 9-year old son of a Scots Protestant trying to settle into a new life in the still relatively young and strongly Catholic Free State. Douglas had quickly found himself bullied at school . Scotland , after all , was in Britain , and that was England by another name , right ? A strong Glasgow accent made him stick out like a sore thumb . So they squeezed him . 22

“ Yoor father`s father was a Black-and-Tan ! Well the IRA kicked their arses and we can kick yours .”23

Come break time in the tiny National school yard he was always last to be picked for the soccer match that filled the lunch period . Then they started organizing `wrestling matches `. No doubt he simply wasn`t supposed to notice that it was always him against `A.N .Other`. The bigger Mr. Other was the better . Douglas was good at football . But he never played well in the yard . He was a practiced wrestler as well – a brother two years older had seen to that . He could have beaten almost any of the kids they set upon him . But somehow he never did . The whole world , it seemed , wanted him to cry `Uncle`. The Man from U.N.C.L.E.` was the coolest T.V. offering of those days . And that’s how you had to surrender . It made him feel as stupid as it made him feel weak . But it ended the ordeal and the soccer match could start . So he`d cry ` Uncle `and it would be over .24

He made up stories of victories to cover for the bruises and torn clothes . His father expected nothing less . Douglas- senior has been brought up in one of the rougher areas of post –war Glasgow and could `handle himself `. Of course his sons should be able to do likewise .Douglas had come home crying one afternoon having been roughed up by a small gang of Catholics on the Council estate in Scotland where they lived before things got better and they`d moved to Dublin . His father had sent Douglas and his elder brother back out to find the gang and make sure they never tried anything like that again . It hadn`t gone well . Douglas had learned a lesson that day. So now he kept all this to himself .He came to know his place and life settled down . Once he stopped resisting the game lost its appeal – and to a large extent they stopped hunting him .25

It was to be his own imagination and not his tormentors , however , that finally got the better of Douglas Cready .He might have lived a more normal existence if it hadn`t been for the movies . And Clint Eastwood . ` A Fistful of Dollars ` , the original Spaghetti Western ,made an extraordinary impression on a very impressionable young Douglas . Every schoolkid loved The Man With No Name . The tall , silent , dark angel of retribution with a poncho , a horse and a six-gun . But Douglas worshipped him . One day he would be him . He was sure of it .26

His over-the-top hero-worship would draw new ridicule – and new persecutions . But they`d be sorry one day . Clint would see to that . 27

Douglas`s mixed fortunes in life had mushroomed into his teenage years . His Father prospered quickly in the wholesale grocery trade .The family had the biggest house , the biggest and newest car ,the first dishwasher and colour TV in the small suburban estate where they lived . Douglas was loaded - and that drew begrudgery on top of ridicule .28

He grew to be tall , very dark and very handsome .Girls from neighbouring parishes would make bus journeys to his church on Sundays just to see him . At 14 few of his peers had much of an idea what to do with that sort of popularity , and in the` young love `arena , the young Douglas was supremely inept.On one occasion, pestered by a girl whose unrequited admiration had led her to goad him in front of his friends , he had flattened the hapless teenager with a straight right ! Before anyone could react he had taken to his heels and in no-one was faster than Douglas in full flight . A 36” inside leg helped see to that . Such social ineptitude and early evidence of his propensity to think with his fists only served to alienate him further .So , increasingly , he lived in a world of his own . With Clint . 29

It wasn`t that nobody liked Douglas . He had an infectious , boyish enthusiasm born of a sort of innocence and naievete . He`d loved to laugh and play long after it had ceased to be socially acceptable among his self-conscious, early- teenage peers . Once , as a thirteen year-old , he had got up on his mothers ridiculously expensive dining-room table , with a mop for a guitar , and sung ` Donald Where`s Yer Troosers `at the top of his not-very-good Scots voice just to amuse his bewildered friends . He threw himself into every fad with total abandon . Until a new one came along and distracted him .He was going to join the French Foreign Legion – had researched the nearest recruitment office and everything . Then David Carradine appeared as Caine in `Kung Fu ` - and Douglas was going to be a Shaolin Monk instead ! He was funny , particularly when he wasn`t trying to be . Innocent to the point of being goofy , he was warm and human and he was good company . And then he`d bought the self-defence book . 30

It looked like a hundred other `self improvement `paper-backs of the time . It used simple language and crude drawings and it got straight to the point. About the hundreds of different ways you could hurt or damage people you thought might be trying to hurt you . It was brutal and crude and Douglas had devoured it from cover to cover several times . Two weeks later the class smart-alec had a go at Douglas about having more money than sense or something like that . Douglas had been practicing karate kicks and laid the guy out with a straight kick to the chin . It was to become his favourite `move` .He had begun . He discovered that a 36” inside leg had uses other than carrying him swiftly away from trouble . He quickly sought retribution against almost anyone who had ever bullied him or given him a hard time There were many - but Douglas wasn`t wasting much time . He grew a well deserved reputation as a bully and a trouble maker . Squaring up to Douglas was not generally a good idea .31

At 15 he had already let the line between his movie fantasies and reality become blurred enough to procure a small hand-gun . He`d show it to selected friends very secretively , assuring them it was quite alright to have it as long as he never loaded it .However , he did , if they cared to believe him , have the bullets at home . He kept them separate from the shoe box where he hid the gun under his bed ,having satisfied himself that this practice somehow immunised him from prosecution . He seemed to lose interest in it after he was told it was not , after all , a spy`s fire-arm, but a woman`s weapon. Nobody really thought it was real or that he had the bullets .32

Sandra was in little danger from Douglas , armed or otherwise even if she had challenged his desirability. . Douglas met her challenge head on .33

“ Well since we both know the answer to that question , you can buy me dinner tonight ! “ .34

She turned and studied him openly . eyeing him slowly up and down , tapping her chin with her index finger .35

“That`s a very generous offer …” , she drew out the pause theatrically – “ but I couldn`t possibly accept .” 36

“ Why not ? Don`t you believe in women`s lib. ? “ .37

, “ Not that my politics are any of your business , but no , I don`t believe in that rubbish . It just wouldn`t be fair to all the other wasters who`d like me to buy them a hamburger !”38

She was sharp .. And she had turned him down . He liked this girl . 39

“ That`s settled then .” he said, “ I`ll buy you dinner .Where should I pick you up ? “ .40

He was smiling his best smile . The warm , boyish one that only escaped on increasingly rare occasions these days . She smiled back at him but it was tight lipped and she was screwing up her nose . 41

“ Nobody picks me up – and certainly not in a supermarket ! I`ll see you around !”42

She was walking away . Douglas found himself almost shouting after her .43

“ Where ? “ . 44

She turned but never stopped , walking backwards as she smiled and called the answer back to him .45

“ Around . I`ll be around “ .46

Then she spun around again and headed for the check –outs . An almost irresistible urge to pursue her and at least get a phone number had to be surpressed . The assistant manager he`d almost forgotten he`d been waiting to see , had just shown up . He watched her disappear stealing sideways glances . He knew she`d look back before she left completely . She had to . Maybe he`d just missed it . But she hadn`t . 47

It was to be almost a month before he saw her again . When he did , he was surprised to reflect that she had hardly crossed his mind in the intervening period . This time he was in a bar , one of his regular haunts , young and trendy , a good hunting ground . It was home turf . Douglas felt supremely confident . After all , they were almost friends somehow. Immediately prior to spotting her , he’d been considering returning the very direct looks a young hopeful in a mini-skirt just along the bar had been directing at him . All thought of her left his head as soon as he noticed Sandra . She`d just reached the crowded bar a few people further along . He knew the barman , and was pleased with himself that he managed to organize paying for her order and having himself pointed out . It was all so `007`. She acknowledged with a nod and a pleased , but faintly mocking smile . He raised his own glass and nodded back . Soon afterwards she appeared at his shoulder .48

“ I`m still not buying you dinner ! “ , she said . 49

“ I`m not hungry .” he smiled a reply , “ How are you ? “. 50

“ Aren`t you going to ask me what a nice girl like me’s doing in a place like this ? “ .51

Her flirting made it seem almost as if they were picking up exactly where they left off a month beforehand . That suited him .52

“ I thought I`d let you thank me for the drink first “ , he said .53

“ I`m here to return the compliment– what`ll it be ? “ .54

There was something in the way she said it . But then there seemed to be `something` in the way Sandra said everything 55

“ I`m drinking scotch “ , he said .56

He hadn`t been . He only drank scotch on special occasions . He`d just decided that tonight would be just that . It also gave him another opportunity to probe her .57

“ Will you join me in one ? “ .58

It came out more Scots than he`d intended .59

She scrutinized him for a brief moment , recognizing the challenge immediately .60

“Only if we drink Irish .”61

That deal - and another one - were done with no more than a nod to Douglas`s bartender friend .62

While they waited for the whiskeys the girl in the mini-skirt , who`d been trying to get a response from him earlier on , pushed into the space beside them on the pretext of ordering a rum- and- coke . Sandra caught the shadow of a look that crossed Douglas’s face and turned to catch the girl smiling at him . With an almost imperceptible backward movement of her elbow, Sandra toppled the tall glass containing the drink she had brought to the bar , sending it splashing all over the intruder . The mini-skirted girl jumped back, horrified at the mess now soaking into her blouse .63

“ Look what you did! “ she yelped .64

Sandra never flinched – never took her fixed smile from Douglas . He beamed his approval straight back at her . The mini-skirt was an outsider and knew it immediately. Two new `insiders ` raised Irish whiskeys to their lips simultaneously . It was coincidental but it looked and felt, like a toast between conspirators.65

Sandra got off her stool as if about to leave. Doing so propelled her towards Douglas . He thought she meant to kiss him as her face came towards his , but her lips sailed past his cheek and said , as quietly as the bedlam in the bar would allow ,66

“ My name’s Sandra – what’s yours? “ 67

She brought her smile back from his ear to his face , and smoothly turned her ear to his lips to hear him murmur ,68

“ Douglas – let’s get out of here. “69

But Sandra was already turning away. Her eyes remained focused and smiling at Douglas but the rest of her was going somewhere. Douglas was afraid she might be pulling another disappearing act. He would have been irked by that . This was a done deal . Life was too short. 70

But Sandra wasn’t going far . The girl in the mini – skirt was about to storm off, believing she’d been sent a very clear message . Now Sandra grabbed her by the arm. Her grip was strong for a woman. For a split second the mini-skirt thought she was in trouble, even though she was clearly the injured party in the drink-spill incident .As the two women squared up to one another , a hollow , haunting whistle echoed somewhere in the back of Douglas`s brain . Were The Good , the Bad and the not-so-ugly about to go at it ? And he was suddenly transported back in time to a night in this very bar when he and Benny McGuire had staged their own Wild West Show .71

GUNFIGHTERS72

The seafront road that runs from the East pier in Dun Laoghaire towards the small harbour at neighbouring Sandycove is almost arrow straight for about 300 yards . Between it and the sea, there is a strip of grass about fifty yards wide . There was a free-for-all game of soccer there every Sunday afternoon . All anybody had to do was show up in some clothes they weren’t too worried about ( not too rough mind – there would usually be some `talent `on the sideline ) and someone would appear with a ball . A few jerseys would be put down as goal-posts and sides would be picked. Late arrivals would be allocated to the sides alternately as they showed up. There could be twenty -a-side on a good day! It was a pleasant November Sunday, very sunny but very crisp and the match would be well attended , by , among others , Douglas and Johnno. Almost everyone was there a little early that Sunday .73

The previous night Benny Mcguire , a local `heavy `with a bit of a reputation had very publicly challenged Douglas to prove he was as tough as he thought he was . He`d been drunk and ( unusually for one Douglas`s opponents) well out of order .Benny had become loud very quickly .As more and more people around the bar noticed him the background uproar of the bar had died to a hush . Benny had an audience.He was on a roll . He’d wanted to `have it out ` right there and then , in the pub , or at least outside .Douglas had been sober , and as usual , expensively well dressed . So he had refused the challenge with a measured and menacing calm , deferring it to the next day at a time when he knew well he could have an audience as big as the one he was disappointing . 74

The match always started at about 3 0 `clock . On any Sunday Douglas and Benny could have been kicking lumps out of one another on Dun Laoghaire seafront and no-one would have noticed . Free-for-all football was a `man’s game` after all . But this would be differen . You could almost hear that same, haunting whistle , the theme to his favourite Clint Eastwood film ,as Douglas and Benny approached from opposite ends of the seafront road . Both had `seconds` with them . Douglas`s was Johnno .Nobody remembers who Benny`s was . But he must have wished he wasn`t.75

JOHNNO76

Johnno was a `hard-man`. The real McCoy . Even when he was only fourteen he looked like something that had been quarried from the nearby granite pits . He was a scale bigger than any of his peers and wore a constant scowl of disapproval – for everyone and everything .He was the antithesis of Douglas in every way – poor, hard working , unexpressive , sullen - and he hardly spoke . His silence was almost as intimidating as his reputation. You didn’t mess with Johnno . He lived in Sallynoggin , a rough area in those days .His family were from a long line of `hard-men `and he had a tradition to maintain . Living where he did , if you talked the talk – you had to walk the walk .To cross the wrong person could mean running into a small army of his mates on a dark night . Johnno never needed company to walk home. He feared nobody and respected nobody he didn’t feel had earned it .77

That afternoon on the seafront at Dun Laoghaire, most of the ` bystanders` , officially there for regular Sunday afternoon `match ` had been in the bar the night before and witnessed the high-profile confrontation between Douglas and Benny . All the others had heard about it. A few of them kicked a ball about , pretending to be `warming up`- whatever that was – but all eyes were on Douglas and Benny and the imminent `showdown `. Douglas was in his element that day. He felt like the gun-fighter he’d always wanted to be . Benny’s belligerence from the night before had evaporated in the face of sobriety , daylight , and the formidable sight of the man on Douglas’s shoulder . He was for negotiating now.78

“ Douglas, let’s be reasonable . I`m sorry if …..” 79

Douglas was not for peace- talks. His, by now famous, opening gambit , a straight kick to the head , caught Benny off –guard and it was pretty much all over . But the second most remarkable thing that day was the sight of Johnno stepping between the protagonists, grabbing them like a schoolteacher grabs warring children – and knocking their heads together before telling them it was ` over now `¬ - and starting the football match ! 80

Douglas always winced at that memory . Johnno had always been his mentor when it came to street- fighting. He’d idolised him . Being humiliated by him had never been in the script. Johnno had stolen both Benny and Douglas’s thunder that day .But Douglas could only smile every time his memory played out the rest of the reel . 81

The `pitch `at the seafront was perilously close to the sea . Occasionally a wayward clearance would find its way to the tideline. Usually the prevailing breeze would bring the ball back after a short wait. On this day, however , the one-and-only ball was making a slow but steady bee-line for Howth, five miles north across Dublin Bay . A record compliment of footballers stood helplessly at the guard-rail above the water, watching what had been a good game , drift out to sea when Johnno piped up . 82

“ Roigh’ lads ! It won’t come back for yis standin’ lookin`at it !Who`s get’n in after it ? “83

The look of consternation on every face was unmistakeable. If Johnno wanted someone to get in after the ball, someone would be getting wet . And, sunny or not, it was November . And that water would be cold. More than cold . But before anyone could even start to wonder about who might be drawing the short straw, Johnno was peeling off his own shirt and jeans and heading down the steps to the Irish Sea, loudly grumbling about a ”….bunch o`fucking wankers “ and “..do the job myself “ .84

Before everyone could breathe a collective sigh of relief , he was in the clear, blue and freezing cold water , swimming powerfully after the ball.85

By now the footballers were not his only audience. The pleasant sunshine had brought a larger-than -usual crop of Sunday walkers to the promenade that day . And there was little of more interest than the sight of a near-naked footballer swimming across Dublin bay to recover a lost ball . So by the ( impressively short ) time it took Johnno to reach the ball and begin the swim back to shore with it , there must have been no less than 200 souls , lined up shoulder to shoulder along the guard rail, intently focused on his mission . As he returned to shallow water about fifteen metres from land, Johnno noticed his audience . He suddenly stopped swimming and stood up, the ball under his arm , the water up to his thighs . He very deliberately and slowly scanned the fascinated crowd of spectators – from left to right and back again, along a two hundred metre length of promenade – men , women , children – families . They waited.They wondered . They watched. Then Johnno addressed them, loud and clear , in his uniquely direct fashion .86

“ What are yez all fuckin`lookin`at!? “87

The effect was amazing . Two hundred people immediately resumed their Sunday stroll in a manner that tried to suggest they’d never actually interrupted it ! And they might have pulled it off. But for four hapless nuns who, stunned and shocked no doubt , by what they had just witnessed , failed to react and stood rooted to the spot , still staring at Johnno’s unlikely and near-naked figure standing defiantly in the shallows , the football still tucked under one arm . Their tardiness drew the lightning, as Johnno confronted them , shouting ,88

“ Well Ladies , is it a look yis are after ? “89

yanking down his already drooping Y-fronts as he did so .90

The unfortunate sisters became cartoon-like figures , completely flustered , each starting off in different directions , bumping into each other , holding on to hats they weren’t wearing . It was uproar .The match never really got going again . 91

. . . . .92

. 93

The smile that now spread across Douglas’s face at the memory seemed inappropriate in light of what looked like it might be a rather ugly scene between Sandra and the girl in the mini-skirt . But Sandra was suddenly conciliatory, all over her , apologising , swatting at the stain with a handkerchief , asking her name , pulling her gently back to the bar – and to Douglas .94

“ Douglas, this is Tina ! Tina this is my cousin, Douglas ! Douglas, I’m so clumsy , look what I did to poor Tina ! “ 95

Sandra had taken Tina by the shoulders and turned her towards him. Tina was confused and off-balance. It made her look helpless. The drink-stain down the front of her blouse added to the impression Douglas almost immediately got – and which he felt Sandra fully intended he should . Held in Sandra’s outstretched hands , this young girl suddenly looked like a sacrificial lamb . And she was being offered. Douglas smiled and offered to buy her a drink . Tina began to relax. He had such a nice smile. She totally missed the fact that it was aimed just past her right ear – at Sandra. By the time the three of them left the bar together it seemed they’d all been friends for ages .96

Douglas would do the driving that night . If he was more than a little unsure exactly what was going on , Sandra`s certainty and composure made up for that . She skilfully arranged that Tina would sit with Douglas up front . She squeezed into the cramped back seat of the Alfa sports he drove . He watched her in the mirror as he drove . Her eyes were always waiting for his whenever he checked . They smiled and flirted with him . She even toyed playfully with her finger in her mouth once or twice – but for the entire journey back to his flat she never said a word .97

If her intention was to make Tina forget she was around it was working . The mini-skirted girl`s confidence had returned and ,even as drunk as she was , Douglas could hardly believe that one woman could be so forward and downright sexually aggressive in the presence of another . Or that the other woman could apparently take pleasure in that . He`d always found women hard to figure out and never taken much time trying . But this was definitely new territory . He decided to let the dice roll and see what happened .98

Douglas lived in a trendy apartment high above Sorrento Point , where Dublin bay runs out and the South – East coast begins with the magnificent vista of Killiney Bay , often favourably compared to The Bay of Naples . It was a fifteen minute drive . Twice before he got there , he had to remove Tina`s head from his lap and her fingers from his flies . He couldn`t decide which of these bitches was crazier . The one in the front seat trying to get them all killed or the one in the back seat who seemed to find that so amusing . Coffee for everyone at his place had been Sandra`s idea . This was her party . Douglas was becoming increasingly apprehensive about how the evening might go .99

He parked the Alfa in the private car park below the apartment block and the three of them made their way to his front door . Sandra wasn`t getting a look-in. To a very drunk Tina , she may as well not have been there . To a preoccupied Douglas, the roles were very much reversed . He opened the door and dealt with the alarm in the semi darkness . Tina needed directions to his bathroom in a hurry . 100

Alone with Sandra for the first time since they`d met that night , he took her to him and kissed her . She responded eagerly, as he knew she would. Still – it had to be got out of the way. He was still a long way from knowing exactly what was going on here. Kissing her was comfortable. He was suddenly aware that it was a long time since he’d kissed a woman that way – or any way . When it finished he said ,101

“So how`s this going to work ? “ 102

“ How do you think it`s going to work ? “ 103

Sandra`s smile was the same impish , mischievous beam that had that she had worn that first day in the supermarket . In the circumstances Douglas felt impish and mischievous didn’t quite cut it . The deal on the table was a little more than a prank at this stage, even to him . 104

“ You know I’m not interested in her “ , he said .105

“ Of course I do “ 106

“ And you’re not interested in her – are you ? “ 107

The question had left his lips before it had time to fully form in his head . 108

“ You know I`m not “ 109

Her reply was instant , even and completely unabashed . 110

“ So what’s she doing here ?” . 111

Douglas really wanted to know . 112

“ She`s looking to get laid ! “ .113

Sandra`s smile mocked him now .114

“ Okay . Maybe I`m asking the wrong questions. Maybe I should ask what you`re doing here ! “115

Sandra`s body language and tone changed subtly but unmistakeably . She turned and moved away from him a little. She was looking nowhere in particular-but not at Douglas as she spoke. 116

Maybe I`m here to make sure I don’t get screwed .“ 117

Douglas surpressed the knee-jerk reaction to announce that he had other ideas . Almost as quickly he wondered why he did . Why he was so unsure with her . Why he wanted to hear her to tell him she wanted him . And why he just couldn`t ask if it was so .118

“ You don’t like women much , do you Douglas ?”119

“ I like you “. He heard the words leave his mouth and could hardly believe his ears .120

“ You think you like me – but that`s just because I`m still a challenge and you haven`t figured me out yet . Well , I`ve got news for you – you do like me . Whether you like that or not . But you`re going to screw the little tramp in your bathroom tonight – not me ! Do it right, Douglas . I`ll be watching “ 121

Behind her the bathroom door opened and a fan of light spread across the ceiling above them .The apartment was open plan and split level ,clever design making what would have looked like a small kitchen–cum-diner and smaller living room become an apparently generous living space . Tina had been mashing toothepaste into her gums at his sink . When she appeared she was met by Sandra . Sandra said she was going to `hit the hay` and headed to what Douglas had pointed out as the spare bedroom.122

“ Now don`t you two do anything I wouldn`t ! “123

she called back as the bedroom door closed behind her . 124

Douglas was rooted to the spot where Sandra had left him . He stared at the empty space in front of the spare room door she had last occupied . Tina was too drunk to notice that although Douglas was looking in her direction , he once again wasn’t actually looking at her . All she knew or cared was that they were alone .125

A little unsteadily , she crossed the room , almost missing the two-step drop that the split-level design involved . She didn’t fall but having almost done so she arrived in Douglas’s arms and waited to be kissed . Douglas made no attempt to do so. Tina hung from his neck and waited. He didn’t stoop . He peered down his long, straight nose with a look of indifference that was pure Clark Gable. The genuine indifference, however , was all his own . Tina decided to progress matters in her own way and began tugging at his belt buckle. Douglas remained stock still as she went to her knees before him. She assumed his pose to be just that – a pose , a ritual – one in which she was all too willing to participate . The truth of it would dawn later as Tina experienced the stomach-wrenching , blood-curdling feelings of rejection and abuse that so many like her had done before . Yet she was doomed to do so, however, as those before her had , in hindsight . 126

Behind Tina the door to the spare room opened silently and without light . Sandra stepped, unnoticed by Tina ,into the shadows of that dark part or the living area . Douglas could see that she had stripped to her underwear but was still wearing her high heels. Her tall athletic frame was somehow perfect in his eyes, though even he could see she was far from classic beauty . As Tina engaged in her intensely feminine chore, Sandra’s presence electrified Douglas’s intensely male world . She tossed her long , dark ringlets and brushed them back with her fingers . And she watched, silently . And Douglas watched her – watching. More than the feeling of Tina’s eager mouth around him , Sandra`s presence aroused him . He felt transfixed, mesmerised . Tina noticed his enhanced level of arousal. Gratified , she redoubled her efforts . Douglas, almost oblivious to her , stared at the shadowy figure across the room .127

In the kitchen area a small radio played a late-night radio programme . Douglas always left the radio on when he went out. It was a habit he got from his mother. She said it made the house sound like there was somebody home when there wasn’t . The only light in the room was from a pathetically small table light standing in the window. Another legacy from his mother with the same motive .The meagre light it shone was barely enough to make to make Sandra’s shadowy movements visible . Yet the little he could discern told Douglas something was wrong. She was still now .Her pose angled her body away from the scene he and Tina were acting out twenty feet across the room . She disapproved . She was withdrawing .128

Almost without realizing he was doing it , Douglas placed his hand on Tina’s forehead ,gently commanding her to stop .She looked up , her puzzlement almost childlike . “ Don’t you like me ? “ she asked . Douglas brought her gently to her feet , her head cupped in his two big hands . For the second time that night he found himself kissing – and enjoying it. For Tina the unexpected tenderness of the moment felt like a pleasant surprise . She closed her eyes. Douglas saw her do it and resumed his scrutiny of the shadowy third party in the dark corner of the room. Tina was still completely oblivious to Sandra’s presence – and the effect it was having on her lover . 129

This new development seemed to bring Sandra’s attention back . And that was somehow all that Douglas wanted right now. Visibly more relaxed she had turned back towards them. Without knowing how or why Douglas knew she approved of this kiss. Her approval and his enjoyment were somehow intertwined. That made no sense to Douglas. For as long as he could remember he had made it his business not to give a damn what anybody thought. Clint Eastwood . He had earned the right to wave his indifference in people’s faces with his money and his fists . Why did he want to please this stranger – this tall bossy woman with her fucked up ideas about a threesome? But he did. And what the hell, if she was a voyeur he’d give her a show . Showing off was something he’d always been good at , one way and another . Besides, even if this game was a little fucked up , something in this bizarre experience felt more real to him than anything in life had felt since he’d been released from his hell at Mountjoy jail. 130

CLINT EASTWOOD 131

Prison had hollowed Douglas like a fruit that rots from the inside .The grim reality of prison life was his worst nightmare come true .The script for his life , which had run so smoothly til then, had never included this . Once inside, he` d shown them he was tough – not to be messed with . He’d decked that faggot who came on to him the second day he was there. Accepted the consequences handed down by the screws - loss of privileges and confined to his cell for a week. He was straight and he was tough . He`d sent the message . Now they`d leave him alone , right ?132

The realization that real life and the movies don’t operate with the same rules would be brought home to him in painful and brutal fashion many times during his short stay at Mountjoy . He would emerge a very different person from the boy who’d loved cowboy films and taught himself self-defence fifteen years previously .Those years had seen Douglas`s life develop in different ways , some more predictable than others . For those that knew him it became increasingly difficult to tell if he was ridiculous or dangerous , a likeable child with delusions or just a despicable bully with money and good looks .Even for the spectators , the lines between his reality and his fantasies were becoming increasingly blurred.133

. . . . 134

The rugby club dance was well attended , mostly by middle –class kids from Dublin`s affluent South-side . It wasn`t known for trouble . By that time a few of his friends had motorbikes . Douglas had a car. A new Datsun - no problem to his Dad who was building a fleet of vans for the wholesale business and had clout with the local dealer . He saved his mates queuing for the cloak room at the dance by storing all their helmets and leather jackets in the boot and on the back seat .Some of his mates had gone out to retrieve something from the car that night . As they locked the door and headed back towards the dance-hall , all Hell broke loose . 135

The troublemakers were rough kids , 18 or 19 , like themselves , but from the neighbouring council estate at the inappropriately named Mount Pleasant . The area had a seriously bad name . These boys were some of the reasons why . And they were in a bad mood . Douglas`s mates twigged that all was not well when they saw the first brick go through the high window just under the eaves of the gymn building that was hosting the evening . It took a good arm and a good eye to manage the feat . They made their way back to the door but the bouncers had their hands full and nobody was getting in or out . They couldn`t leave and they couldn’t stay . So they melted into the background as best they could and watched the situation develope . Happily, everyone seemed to be far too busy to notice two scared young bikers hiding in the shadows . So they watched. 136

`Charlo` was not very tall but he was broad and muscular. And apparently completely crazy. He was seriously pissed off about having been ejected from the dance and wanted a piece of the bouncers for his trouble. Two of his mates had him by the arms, trying to dissuade him from `having a go `at the tallest bouncer Douglas’s mates had ever seen , an off-duty cop who stood six foot seven if he was an inch . Ripping one arm free from the grasp of his well-meaning mates Charlo used it to punch the other one in the face. Now taking his demands to be released seriously, his mates watched as he charged the giant bouncer and leapt into the air to land an unlikely , even incredible , head –butt to the cop’s nose , breaking it for sure . Charlo never landed from his leap. The giant caught him as the head –butt landed and both he and the other bouncers were reigning blows of retribution on Charlo’s head before he ever hit the ground . Yet even as his mates hauled him away from his hiding , he was struggling and cursing them to let him go and have another `go `at his tormentors . This time his mates prevailed and an uneasy peace took hold for a while . Still, no-one was getting in or out of the hall . 137

Still skulking in the shadows , apparently unnoticed but very much afraid they might be at any moment , Douglas `s biker friends caught bits and pieces of the conversation between Charlo and his mates . They were going to wait ” All fuckin`noigh “ if need be . “ He “ , whoever He was , was still inside . And when He came out ……..! They wondered who He might be . They needn’t have . The mystery man who had apparently kicked one of Charlo’s gang ` in the bleedin face ` would be one of the last figures to leave the hall that night . He wasn’t hard to spot . Douglas was 6`4” , with long black hair , the fashion of 1973 .He wore a £100 sheepskin coat , unfastened to display a £50 silk , figure-hugging shirt from Carnaby St. which was open to the waist revealing a vulgar , solid gold medallion dangling against his hairless and recently tanned chest . A pair of cotton flared trousers bought more cheaply in a Dublin boutique called `It`s a Beautiful Day `, de rigeur among his peers , fucking gay`’ among Charlo`s , a pair of high heeled platform black boots bought at London`s Kings Road Market for a price that matched the plane-fare over and a cigar ,so big it would have looked outrageous in the grip of a movie star twice his age – in Hollywood ! - completed the image that was Douglas on a night out . 138

“ DAT`S HIM “ shouted one of the gang .139

“ Oi fuckin`know ! “ said Charlo .140

“ `ay YOU ! Yeah YOU ! You`re fuckin`DEAD ! “ 141

Douglas stopped his slow walk towards the car-park and struck a pose that suggested short sighted peering at this guy . Theatrically , slowly , bringing the cigar to his lips and inhaling , he then exhaled the next words in an accent that belonged to nobody , least of all Douglas . It was his best Clint Eastwood , clenched teeth and everything . 142

“ I`m shorree , friend ..I think you`ve got the wrong guy ! “ 143

The look on Charlo`s face was bewilderment , that quickly turned to increased rage as it dawned on him that this faggot asshole was actually trying to take the piss .144

“ Don`t yoo give me any o`dat shoi` ya bleedin` BOLLIX ! You hit one o` moi mates in dare an` Oi`m gonna fix you for it ! Roight ? “ 145

Douglas was clearly getting into character as he replied . He now held the cigar in the side of his mouth and only removed it slowly to drawl a reply in his pathetic attempt at a Hollywood accent . 146

“ No friend , not right - “ 147

( another drag on the cigar so he could exhale smoke at Charlo with the rest of the sentence )148

“ It`s like I shaid – you got the wrong guy ! “ 149

His friends had seen Douglas retreat into his fantasies like this before when he was younger . When they played in the woods he was Tarzan . When they went for a swim he was Flipper . They`d always put it down to an overactive imagination . Now it looked like something very different and , quite simply , something very dangerous . They weren`t in the school yard now . Charlo was not a man to mess around and Douglas was yanking his chain very hard . They wanted to get that message to him so urgently . But Charlo was between them and Douglas . And in any case they were rooted to the spot . Their worst fears were realized when Charlo took a glass beer bottle out of his pocket and expertly smashed the bottom out of it against the stone wall. 150

“ Fuck dis shoi ` - Oi`m gonna fuckin`………”151

As Charlo advanced towards Douglas , the vicious jagged edge of his makeshift weapon held at arm`s length before him , the two young bikers felt their legs weaken and almost give way .They had had no doubt at all that this guy would use this weapon and that they were about to witness something worse than they had ever dreamed they might , something more brutal and horrifying than their middle-class , South Dublin suburban upbringing could possibly have prepared them for . 152

But Charlo had only taken two steps of the six or so it would take him to actually reach Douglas , when Douglas took one step sideways and stooped , all in one smooth , quick , yet somehow unhurried motion . His eyes never left his would-be attacker , the cigar never left his mouth . When he arrived back in the upright position he had a very sizeable brick in his left hand , not unlike the ones that had been going through the windows an hour beforehand .He passed it smoothely from his left hand to his right , giving Charlo a good look at it and a good sense of its weight . He struck a new pose , slightly side-on to Charlo , the brick held shoulder high ,arm outstretched behind him like a baseball pitcher . His leading left hand held up a slow , steady , warning finger and Charlo pulled up , hesitating . As he did so Douglas leaned towards him , fixing him with his gaze , and said quickly , and suddenly in his natural Scots accent ,153

“ Ah`ll have this brick through yoor ugly face before ye ge` within two yards o` me !“ 154

. 155

Charlo had hesitated and Douglas took his time now . He took the cigar from his lips and exhaled more smoke . Replacing it he resumed his Clint Eastwood drawl and , beckoning with the curled fingers of his outstretched leading left hand , he dared Charlo forward . You could almost hear the words “ Do you feel Lucky ?” though , almost unbelievably , Douglas didn`t use them that night . Instead he challenged his opponent with 156

“ Well come on , friend . Are you up for this or not? Let`s go !” 157

Those who knew him has no doubt that he`d just gone a bridge too far , that the game was up and Douglas’s movie career was about to meet a violent and bloody end at the hands of an anonymous psychopath from Dublin’s Mount Pleasant Gardens . But that night fiction was to be outshone by fact in the unbelievability stakes.` Charlo `studied Douglas for a long moment . Maybe one crazy bastard recognized an even crazier one . Maybe he took some sort of pity on Douglas or admired his spunk . But it looked like he just didn`t have the balls to call his bluff . It was make –or –break time . And it was Charlo who backed down . He tossed the broken bottle away , turned , and , with a lowered head and a broad upward sweep of his arms , took himself and an army of at least twenty, out the gate and out of sight . If they hadn`t seen it with their own eyes ,neither the two young bikers who`d witnessed the whole event , nor anybdy else , with perhaps one exception ,would have believed it . Clint Eastwood stood admiring his cigar. Johnno , who had been silent and unobtrusive throughout , suddenly spoke in the same pissed-off tone he always used . “ Can we go home now ye stupid fuck ! It`s bleedin` freezin` out here ! “ 158

. . . . .159

Douglas’s eyes watched Sandra watching him – then they closed .160

Tina broke from the kiss and laid her head on his chest, wrapping her arms around him and squeezing him tightly . Such banal intimacy had always irritated Douglas and he would tolerate it only as a necessary evil until such time as orgasm would release him from the duty of polite behaviour . But now another strangely involuntary gesture saw him return the embrace and even nuzzle the hair on top of Tina’s head with his nose . He watched himself do it almost as a spectator – and he felt like a fraud. Then he remembered - he was . 161

He looked for Sandra .But the door the spare room was closing silently behind her and he and Tina were alone again . He felt like someone left holding the baby – in a way more real than than ever before . Tina really hadn’t been his idea after all . He reflected that he should have felt angry – but could only feel mildly perplexed . It was even more unsettling to discover that some secret, stupid , inadmissible part of him was quite enjoying the whole ridiculous scenario .162

Douglas brought Tina to the couch as he had brought many of her kind to it before . He sat down and looked up at her ,his hands gently holding her hips . Her make-up and hair were a little dishevelled now .She looked down at him and smiled a knowing smile . She began opening her blouse and was quickly undressed . Douglas took his shoes off before lifting his feet onto the expensive leather of the large sofa and lay back . Tina straddled him and he found himself kissing again . But the experience felt awkward and strange now and he knew why he`d stopped doing it for so long . He felt her small mouth take hold of his tongue and her hand on his erection . She was deft and practiced in her movements and Douglas felt her take him , almost greedily inside her . As she did so she left his mouth and rose above him . Her hands clawed at the front of his shirt as she let her straightened arms take her weight . Her hair fell over her face as she took her pleasure , abandoning herself to it . Douglas watched her , as he had watched others before , mildly detached from the experience . He examined his senses , starting with the feeling of her as she moved up and down his considerable length . It had always disappointed him . Studied closely and coldly like this it was a strangely bland experience , lacking the thrill and intensity promised by foreplay . He preferred his women to use their mouths, especially those who really knew how to . At least there was some nuance and more scope for a variety of physical sensation . Even at that , sex had always been one of life`s biggest disappointments for Douglas . He would tolerate Tina a while longer . With any luck she would climax quickly . And then he could pay a visit to Sandra`s room . 163

. . . . .164

Douglas was on his way back from dropping Tina home . It was first light in the Dublin suburb where she lived with her parents . He`d dropped her at the end of her road with the usual awkward pecking that always accompanied these moments . As the car door clunked shut and he watched Tina walk away , he felt the familiar release of tension like a held breath exhaled . He lit a cigarette and turned up the stereo . His cassette player filled the car with his particular kind of country music and he realized he was in a good mood for the first time in a long time. 165

He`d always liked this time of day - the unfamiliar flat light thrown by the rising sun and the new sheen left on everything by the dew . And the quiet emptiness of the streets that let him indulge his taste for fast driving . Home was a ten minute drive . He`d cut that down a little . He had Bob Seger on the stereo . It was one of his favourites and he turned it up as loud as the sound system would allow without distorting . He checked his mirrors and gunned the car away , carefully feathering the clutch to avoid wheel-spin and screech , anticipating the bite from the differential as the wheels straightened out . He revelled in the sensation of being pushed back into the contoured driver`s seat . Driving soothed him because to do it well he had to focus . And that blocked out a myriad of other dross that daily kept his mind in some sort of white-noise spin .166

The route he chose was not the quickest route – it was the most technical and , coincidentally , the most scenic . As he got nearer home the turns became more practiced and familiar to him . Here and there he had favourites . He knew his braking points to within a yard of perfection , had them marked out in his head – a gate-post , a sign , an irregularity in the tarmac .167

A double apex as he entered and immediately exited the big roundabout below the school was one of his favourites. He could see the approaches to it for miles . If they were clear he could pick his line and blend the entry and exit points like they were one . Skimming the kerbs going in and coming out told him he`d got it right . This morning he nailed it . Leaving the brakes a yard or two later than his usual marker he braked hard but progressively , careful not to lock a wheel or upset the balance of the car as he approached the entry to the roundabout and the first apex . He had the car placed as wide of the kerb as the white line allowed . As the nose dived and the car pitched forward he began to press it onto the racing line . Feeling for the oversteer as the back end threatened to break away , he gently rocked the steering wheel away from the inside apex that was his target . Balance . It was all about balance . He held on to the brakes and the steering wheel and waited to see the exit . Only his local knowledge told him where that was exactly , a slight rise in the terrain hiding the second apex until the car was well into the channel of the roundabout . As he clipped the first apex on his way in , Douglas smoothely brought his right foot from the brake to the accelerator and began to squeeze the power back into the driving front wheels . The Alfa`s lively flat four pulled at the steering and the car began to squirm a little on its big tyres . Gently pumping and feathering the throttle and blending the effects that had with the movements of the steering wheel , Douglas let the car drift towards the middle of the road . To the uninitiated , it would have looked like a loss of control , as the car appeared to drift away from the inside kerb . In fact the Alfa was carving a precise arc which would bring it perfectly to the exit apex . And that`s where Douglas`s eyes were focused . Almost touching the central kerb on the hub of the roundabout he got an early look at the exit vista and any trouble that might be waiting . At this hour of the day that was unlikely . Seeing it clear he watched the inside kerb come back towards him ever more quickly as he reached the apex. The slightest hint of opposite lock as he gunned the car past it . He noted with pleasure the report of a light crunching feeling under his inside front tyre as it kicked up the dust that always accumulates just beside the kerb . Perfect . He sunk the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor brought the rev counter to the red line as he pulled away up the hill , just to hear the engine sing . He was in a good mood . He felt almost happy . 168

Douglas pulled into the same parking spot he had left almost twenty minutes ago – enough time for the increasing daylight to have totally changed the vista , and somehow the whole mood of the place he called home these days . The stereo shut down with the engine and he found himself sitting still and alone behind the wheel . He heard the ticking of the engine block as it immediately began to cool . It amplified the quiet of everything and , he noticed , somehow added drama to the moment he`d avoided thinking about for the last ten minutes . He draped his hands over the back of steering wheel and craned his head forward to peer up at the faint light of the small table lamp that marked the first floor apartment as his own .Did he expect to see her there ? He realised he had no idea what to expect from this woman . The car door creaked a little as he opened it and moved his weight towards it . He noticed how loud it sounded . Was it the early morning quiet or were his senses sharpened ? He listened to the muffled echo as he thunked it closed behind him and headed towards the main entrance to his apartment block . 169

Inside his flat , the little radio in the kitchen still played quietly . He went in and switched it off . Once again , his senses reported reality with heightened awareness and he noted that the act felt more like switching the morning`s silence back on . The apartment was still . As he crossed the living area to switch off the little light in the window , he noticed the door to her room was slightly ajar . He wondered . As he reached under the lamp-shade and fumbled for the small switch there he found himself observing his own movement , felt the world go into into some sort of unreal slow motion and himself become an actor there . He heard the small clock from his own room ticking as if it were a grandfather clock . A floorboard creaked like a stifled bang . He was at her door . He raised his hand to knock but thought the better of it and slowly pushed the door open and went in . 170

The emptiness of the spare room shocked him almost as much as if he`d walked in expecting it to be empty and found an intruder there . It wasn`t just that she wasn`t there . The room , and somehow the whole apartment felt somehow devoid of Sandra . Douglas`s mother had her cleaning lady come in once a week and housekeep for him . Since no-one ever used it , the spare room was tidy in a way that only unlived- in places can be . That undisturbed air of disuse now jarred on his heightened senses like a slap in the face . Douglas scanned the room , the living area and even the kitchen for any sign of her - without result . 171

Although the light had hardly changed in the apartment the day seemed to have grown somehow suddenly older . The sound of his movements returned to a more normal volume . The spell was breaking . He began undressing on his way out of the kitchen to his own bedroom . As he entered it he felt hope rise again , suddenly , powerfully . But she wasn`t there . His room was more cluttered than the spare room – but just as empty . 172

Undressing , he climbed into bed , leaving his clothes where they fell . He lay back on his own hands behind his head and looked at the ceiling . Where was she ? Who was she ? Why hadn`t he gotten her number ? Why had he ever gone along with the Tina idea ? What the fuck was it about ? He heard himself quietly utter the words “ Fuck her anyway “ as he rolled over , pulling his big quilt over his shoulder , and began to look for sleep .It had been a long night and he quickly felt the first wave of it wash over him . The wood-pigeons were hoo-hoooing outside as they always did at this hour . The sound of them began to wow and fade as unconsciousness approached .And then he saw it . From the position of his head on the pillows , his closing eye looked across the top of a small bedside table towards the Venetian blinds on his bedroom window . The blurred horizontals the blind created as a backdrop were slashed by a perfect vertical form in the foreground . It was standing on his bedside table right beside him , a small narrow cylinder , silhouetted black against the light of the window . Even half asleep , and without having , immediately , the faintest idea what it actually was Douglas knew it didn`t belong there – and that it was hers . 173

He reached a hand out from under his quilt and took the small lipstick between two fingers . Propping himself up on one elbow he examined it more closely . It was the usual gold-finished plastic, with parallel grooves along its length . He opened it and propelled the soft , pink stick into view . He studied it . He liked it . He liked that it was hers and that she`d left it there for him to find . He liked the imperfection of the tip of the paint-stick – that she`d used it . He found himself picturing her doing so . He smelled it and put it to his mouth , remembering how she`d felt and tasted when he kissed her . He closed his eyes to remember more clearly . To his horror he could not see her face . Only Tina`s . His eyes flashed open and he realized he`d been pressing a little harder than he`d intended on the lipstick. He`s bent it slightly against his bared top teeth and scarred the paint –stick with them . Examining the damage , he performed a half-hearted repair job on the lip-stick and returned it to its lid . As he sucked at his top teeth with his tongue , he scanned the room for any more possible traces of her , knowing instinctively he would find none . He took the small cosmetic and held it between his thumb and middle finger , studying it one last time before making it disappear into his fist and popping it back onto the bedside table exactly as he`d found it . He got back under the covers and looked at its silhouette as he`d first found it . A calling card . He liked that . He fell asleep with a smile on his face .174

It was just after midday when Douglas awoke . He reflected , not for the first time , that he no longer enjoyed the indulgence of late mornings in bed . He felt the subtle , heavy pull of sleep call him back to the restless slumbers that can repeat endlessly until they have devoured the whole morning . It did battle against the quiet but persistent urging of his bladder and his reluctance to surrender a day , already almost lost before it had a chance to begin . He`d noticed recently that time seemed to disappear in half-hour increments .It was 12.10 and the first half hour of the afternoon was as good as gone . If he could shower and shave quickly he might yet rescue it and make it to the breakfast table with a chance of getting the started at 1.00. A one o`clock start to the day was a shambles . He hated being behind the game like this .175

He threw the quilt to one side and swung his legs out of the bed , stretching and yawning loudly, demanding a response from his reluctant limbs .As he unscrewed his eyes from the yawn , they focused on the small lipstick , still sitting on the bedside table . The events of the night before replayed in an instant in his brain . He snatched the lipstick from its resting place and briefly scrutinized it in his open palm . With a tight-lipped grimace he slapped it back down on its side and headed for the shower . But even as he was half way across the room he noticed it begin to roll off what he`d never realized was a less than level surface . Something drew him back to save it from its inevitable plunge to the carpet . He watched himself do it and wondered why . 176

Reaching the bathroom he began running the shower . As it warmed up he would shave at the sink . He liked to use a brush with the tin of expanding foam .The soft badger hair of the shaving brush soaked up the water from the hot tap like a sponge . He injected a charge of foam to its heart and the soft bristles engulfed it like tentacles .. He had forsaken the manufacturer`s proprietary plastic handle for the two-blade razor he preferred in favour of a custom-made gold-plated , heavy metal substitute . It enhanced the sense of ritual . 177

As he prepared to aim the first stab of the loaded shaving brush at his chin he raised his eyes from the sink to the mirror and mechanically began wiping away the condensation from it .He froze at the sight that greeted him there . His absent minded toying with lipstick had left his teeth and his lips grotesquely smudged and stained . The ridiculous image that stared back at him shocked and horrified him . Not so much because he looked ridiculous – and ridicule was something he would never tolerate again – but because the figure in the mirror reminded him of something and someone he hoped he`d never think of again . Jemimah .178

He dropped the plug into the sink and it began to fill . Long before it had a chance to do so he plunged his hands and the soap into the punishingly hot water . Bringing handfuls of it to his face he scrubbed at his lips with his fingers . The heat of the water seared his skin and it became difficult to tell if the pinkness of it was stain or reaction to the heat . After several minutes he satisfied himself that the job was done . He scrubbed at his teeth with the toothbrush and only then did he eventually shave . The hot water in the shower was losing its edge by the time he got into it . He left the bathroom at 12.35 . The first hour of the afternoon was gone . 179

Johnno was wearing a darker scowl than usual when he called to Douglas`s door that night . Douglas had been supposed to accompany him to a meeting with Douglas`s father earlier that afternoon . A carpenter by trade , Johnno had intended to price a job building a bar in the library of the family home , a mansion built high in the hillside above Dalkey , with magnificent , panoramic views of Dublin Bay and beyond .180

Johnno found Douglas`s father as difficult to get along with as most people did . He was considerably less inclined to tolerate him however , because of , rather than despite , how much money he had . It would typically have been Douglas`s job to smooth things between the two of them . He did it so well no-one would ever have guessed how much it took out of him . In such tight corners his boyish , easy laugh and smile had proved invaluable on so many occasions . They had been conspicuous by their absence that afternoon .181

The meeting had not gone well . Douglas`s father had demanded a better price than Johnno was prepared to offer . Johnno had already adjusted the price for `goodwill ` before he quoted . Douglas would have seen the trouble coming a mile off . Would have stood between the protagonists and smoothed things out with the delicacy of a battered housewife .But he hadn`t been there .182

As it was , Johnno had ended the `meeting` by informing Douglas Senior he should start ` fuckin` lookin` ` for someone to do the job at a better price than his quote . What should have been a good deal for all concerned was headed down the plughole and Johnno had no doubt who`s fault it was . He now waited impatiently for Douglas to open his front door so that he could launch into the tirade that had been rattling around his brain since the collapse of negotiations earlier that day.183

The unexpected sight of Sandra opening the door momentarily disarmed him. Douglas never had women in his pad. Not at this time of day . He never let them stay the night and breakfast was out of the question . The woman at the door was a stranger . Yet her `yes?` was a challenge more than a greeting .184

Johnno , like most men of his era , had a natural inclination towards politeness where women were concerned . That didn`t stretch as far as removing the scowl from his face as he spoke .185

“ Speak to Douglas ? “186

“ Douglas isn`t here . Can I help you ? “ 187

Sandra`s bearing and apparent aloofness instantly grated with Johnno . His dislike of her piggy-backed on his frustration that she simply wasn`t who he`d come to see . That , and the unmistakeable fact that she had a generally bad attitude , made it unusually hard for Johnno to maintain his politeness . 188

“ Do you know when he might be back ? “189

“ Not exactly . Maybe I could give him your number , Mr. …….? “ 190

There was something about the way she met his gaze . Most people had difficulty eye-balling Johnno . 191

Now he fixed her with his most impenetrable stare – and waited for her to back down . Sandra showed absolutely no sign of doing so .She tilted her head slightly sideways in a gesture that indicated she was waiting for him to furnish the information .192

“ John Davidson . Will ye tell `im Oi was lookin`for ìm ?”193

“Certainly John ! Nice to meet you……”194

She was trying to close the door , but Johnno had his foot stuck in it .195

“ Ye didn`t tell me your name “196

Sandra looked down at the workman`s boot jamming the door open , then back up into Johnno`s scowling face .Her jaw muscles tightened around the words .197

“ That`s right – I didn`t “ 198

Johnno put his forearm to the door and leaned on it . Sandra was in the gap of the door , holding it with one hand. She could not resist the momentum of Johnno`s weight as he pushed it open and strode past her .199

“ Ye don`t moind if I come in for a while do ye ? “200

Sandra had recoiled , surprised by the swiftness and force of his intrusion. 201

“Look , Mr. Davidson , I really don`t think Douglas would appreciate you barging your way in here like this …”202

“ Oh , Douglas an`me go way back . Wha` was dat ye said yer name was again ? “203

He was staring at her again , his eyebrows raised , his lower jaw jutting , lips pursed and curled . The expression was almost comical . It mocked her . In the streets it read “ what are ye gonna do about it ?“ 204

“ My name is Sandra “205

Johnno was standing in the middle of the room with his hands thrust deep in his pockets now . His head occasionally ducked this way and that ,looking around non-existent corners , as if he expected to see someone , presumably Douglas . 206

“So-o , Sandra …how long `ve you an` Douglas known each other ? “207

“ That`s really none of your business – and I`d like you to leave now if you don`t mind ! “208

Sandra stood with her arms folded across her chest , each hand gripping the opposite upper arm . Johnno showed no sign of leaving .209

“All in good toime luv- jes` want te make sure everything`s alroigh`here - ye know ? For all Oi know ye could be a burglar .”210

“ Do I look like a burglar to you ?Douglas left me to look after the place and I`m sure he wouldn`t like you being here .Now would you please go ! “ 211

Sandra had one arm outstretched , pointing towards the still-open door . The other hand had gone to her hip . She leaned aggressively towards Johnno , her anger visibly rising . Johnno was studiously unimpressed . 212

“ Or wha` ? Ye gonna throw me ou`? “213

Sandra took two purposeful strides forward and clutched at the top of his shirt sleeve . 214

Woman or not , nobody manhandled John Davidson . His big hand snapped upwards to grab her wrist and remove her grip . The resistance it met surprised him . That surprise registered as their eyes met and they gauged each other .Her look was fierce , almost wild . It alerted him to the incoming blow before he actually saw it .Blocking and catching her other hand was more instinct than reaction. Johnno`s mind raced as it tried to adjust to the ferocity of her attack and the surrealism of having to consider defending himself further . He had to react quickly . Her momentum would unbalance him if he didn`t counter . With the instincts of a street-fighter he dropped low , still holding one wrist . As he dropped he twisted and forced her to deflect and twist the other way . As he came up he had her in the makings of an arm-lock . But she continued to resist with amazing agility and strength suggesting some sort of training . She remained a real threat . 215

Johnno sensed that she was off balance and pressed his advantage , charging more than pushing her towards the wall . Unable to resist , Sandra slammed into it , the shock momentarily stunning her and allowing Johnno to complete the hold he`d been looking for . And that should have been an end to it . 216

But Sandra was not finished yet . Johnno paid the price for underestimating her and trying to restrain rather than conquer her as Sandra kicked back savagely at his knee with a clunky high heel . The momentary lapse of concentration and strength caused by the pain only lasted a split –second . But Sandra felt for it and used it , expertly , to rip her arm free and turn on him , spinning around to whip an elbow into Johnno`s face . The blow was hard enough to make Johnno reel just a little and his eyes watered . Instinctively he moved away and brought his arms up to a defensive pose crossed and slightly apart in front of his face . He needed to regroup . He still couldn`t quite come to terms with what lengths he might have to go to to subdue her . Her ! This woman ! 217

To say she had surprised him to this point would have been an understatement . What he saw as his vision cleared and he peered through his guard to see his opponent would shock Johnno to the very core of his being .218

NOT LIKE THE MOVIES 219

After his triumph outside the rugby-club dance , Douglas`s larger- than-life existence had rolled on .He had achieved notoriety . You didn`t `look `twice at Douglas - especially when he was drinking . So he had a tendency to get thrown out of bars and night clubs . He`d got belligerent with some bouncers in a local club one Saturday night and they`d taken him outside and given him a hiding . It would have repercussions . 220

A few months later Douglas , Johnno and two others were drinking in a local bar when Douglas recognized one of the bouncers who had delivered that hiding . The matter was ` taken outside` . This time the odds were in Douglas`s favour and the big bouncer , unaccompanied , found himself on the ground . Dirty Harry would have known where not to kick a suspect and when to stop . Douglas didn`t . The bouncer didn`t die but he might have . As it was he lost the sight in one eye and would suffer from epilepsy from that day forward . The police , and subsequently the courts became involved . Douglas`s family`s money couldn`t save him . The bouncer was `connected `. perhaps luckily for Douglas , to the establishment . Douglas and one of the four involved that night , got six months . 221

His mother went to great lengths to put it about that Douglas had gone to France for those six months , to work for the cheese company his father imported from. Douglas would learn a lot in Mountjoy jail . But not about cheese or shipping costs .222

When he was released from solitary ten days after he was admitted he hoped he would have dispelled most of the `soft little rich kid `image he had no doubt his looks , accent and background would have engendered . The eyes that met his on his way back to his cell that day told him otherwise . Because they met his at all – and because they smiled . Not friendly smiles. The faggot who had `come on` to him was named Jimmy Deegan . But he was known as Jemimah . Jemimah`s bruises were still palely visible , even underneath the make –up she wore against prison rules . Jemimah was connected . And not to the establishment . When she next confronted Douglas she was not alone . And she was not in the shower room to wash. Or to talk . Jemimah was there to watch . Closely . As six of her hand –picked boyfriends pinned Douglas to a toilet head and took turns . He`d seen stuff like this in the movies .But it could never happen to Douglas . It could never happen to Clint .223

He would have almost a week in the prison infirmary , diagnosed as having had a bad fall , perhaps having fainted as a result of internal bleeding , to reflect that real life was not , after all , like the movies .In the moments of his unbearable hurt and degradation ,Douglas had , as always, managed to escape . Managed to take himself to another time and another place where he could deal with the world on his own terms . Managed to find a replacement for Clint Eastwood.224

JOHNNO AND SANDRA 225

What Johnno saw as his vision cleared and he prepared to repel Sandra`s second onslaught was her wig , falling to the ground . Without it , Sandra`s masculinity was unmistakeable . More devastating for Johnno , the man that Sandra was ,was no stranger . Though barely recognizable , he was nevertheless unmistakeably -Douglas Cready . Johnno feared no man and despised most women . But he was retreating now . All fight was draining away from him like the blood from his face . All higher mental function was being whited out in a blizzard of information it simply couldn`t process . His hands and his jaw dropped and he began backing away .226

The look on his face and his sudden defencelessness somehow insantly defused the rage that had been fuelling Sandra`s attack .She followed Johnno`s wild-eyed stare to where her wig now lay on the floor . The enormity of the moment hit home. In that moment , Sandra had suddenly no idea who she or Douglas Cready were .She wasn`t angry any more .She wasn`t afraid any more . She was suddenly something much worse . She was totally lost .A small child again , scolded , with no idea what for , hoping for comfort from her persecutor . Almost absent-mindedly , she ran her hand across Douglas`s tightly cut hair .She saw the panic on Johnno`s face and watched the words forming involuntarily in his mouth.227

“ Naw …! Naw , naw…….na-aw ! This is fucked up . Jaysis Cready – this is FUCKED UP ! 228

He was backing away towards the door .It wouldn`t come to him quickly enough . Like a man having a bad dream, his movements felt leaden and uncoordinated . He kept looking back at the grotesque figure he thought he had known well up to a few seconds ago . He felt like all the air had somehow been sucked out of the room and he was suffocating . Douglas made no attempt to stop him and eventually ,he reached the door to make his escape .229

Douglas stood frozen and watched him go. His thoughts made words his mouth wouldn`t form. His mind was deafened by the explosion made by the two worlds that had just collided in his head .News of that disaster would be carried to the rest of the Universe by the satellite now disappearing out his front door . Johnno was gone . 230

Douglas made his way to the big mirror above the mantelpiece , stooping to collect Sandra`s wig on the way .There he studied the mannequin-like figure staring blankly back at him . Slowly, with movements that appeared mechanical and involuntary but strangely precise , he settled Sandra`s black ringlets back into place . The effect was like the final piece of a complex jig-saw bringing a picture to life . A perfect Sandra looked back at him . She was smiling – and thinking of a small gun – a woman`s gun , that Douglas Cready always kept in a shoe –box below his bed . 231