She's late. I glance at my watch for the millionth time as it points to seven thirty. Something must've happened for her to not to be here.1
Even I got out of work late. Life would be easier without my boss. He's always breathing down my neck - quite literally, no personal space and very creepy - to ensure I do my job. Since he’s busy with me, the others slack off. We have deadlines and I’m the one who has to do be responsible. At least the boss realizes that; my checks reflect it.2
Everything seems to be falling on my shoulders. Problems at work, school loans and bills to pay, family, among other things; they start adding up. 3
Imani is the only good thing in my life. We've been together a while now. Recently, we’ve been busy with school and work; today is the first time in a couple weeks that we can be alone. 4
Not one day has gone by that she hasn’t been on mind. I always wonder where she is and what she’s doing. We talk on the phone as much as we’re able to. Hearing her voice makes me feel better, more at ease. Not being able to see Imani is driving me insane. I miss holding her in my arms, whispering, ‘I love you,' and hearing her say it back.5
I'm preparing dinner in my little apartment, away from the prying eyes; too many of those these days.6
Time moves slowly. I feel a knot grow in my stomach as anticipation of seeing Imani grows. I stand up from the couch and walk to the living room window looking out at, "the city that never sleeps." That statement is accurate. Even now, it’s bustling, full of tourists who wander its streets aimlessly. From up here, they look like busy little ants moving about.7
The only time the sight is really worth it is when the sun sets. From this vantage point, the sky looks amazing. I marvel at the astounding array of colors the rays of sunlight give off. Deep shades or red intermingled with orange along with the full spectrum. I feel a soft pang of regret. If only Imani were here to watch the sun set with me. I take one last glance at the receding sun and turn to look at the living room.8
My living room is the largest room in my small apartment. There’s a couch and a few shelves on one wall facing a large TV on the opposite end. Pictures of family and friends, paintings and personal drawings dot the walls. A glass table lies in the middle of the room. Boxes dot the floor and open spots on the walls.9
My restlessness leads me to recheck all the preparations. I enter the dining room which is only large enough to accommodate a table for two. The plates, silverware and wine cups are neatly set on it. The aromas make my stomach growl; I steal a slice of bread to calm it. 10
It’s easy to keep my problems at bay when Imani is on my mind. However, I can’t help feeling an emptiness within me when she isn't around as if a part of myself is missing. Tonight, I’ll be with her that’s all that matters. From the day we met two years ago, I knew she was the one. 11
Everything is ready. I can't wait to see her reaction when she finds out what the dessert is. She loves dessert and this one is different than any she's had. 12
I return to the living room with thoughts of her on my mind. I smile slowly, remembering how it all began; 13
We met in college. Imani was a freshman and I a senior. She was - and is - beautiful and outgoing. I, I was just a normal guy. Few girls seemed to notice me.14
I was smitten with Imani. Thinking back, I was quite bold in approaching her. We talked for a while and I discovered that she needed help with algebra; I offered to tutor her and she agreed.15
As I helped her, I noticed that she seemed sad as if she something terrible happened to her recently. Despite her attempts to hide those feelings, I could see it in her eyes, the lingering pain she still felt. I would try to cheer her up. She began to open up to me, eager to share with another person. I enjoyed spending time with her and she didn't seem to mind my company. In the process, I fell in love with her.16
Throughout that time, she remained single. I saw her turn down more guys than I cared to count. I kept wondering what she looked for, if she was looking for anything. I asked her about that. Imani revealed a secret. The specific reason she turned down all those guys was because she quit on love. She believed dating was just a game for people to refine their skills of hurting others. Someone shattered her heart and she was unwilling to risk trusting another person to that extent. After a few months of knowing each other, she told me happened. 17
Her words were tinged with pain, anger and contempt and were etched in my mind, "The first man I ever loved abandoned me when I needed him the most. You've absolutely no idea what it felt like to see him leave. To have the one you trusted the most just to turn his back and walk away. You wouldn't understand what it feels like unless it happens to you and I pray it never does. If that is love, I want nothing to do with it." 18
I couldn’t say anything to alleviate her pain so I held her as she cried silently, wishing I could change the past. How could someone do that to her? What kind of man would hurt her so much? What am I supposed to do? I kept wondering what exactly happened. 19
I would be able to distract her from her past. There were times where an attraction between us was apparent. During a study session, I boldly kissed her and she responded. Surprised that she responded, I pulled away. Before I said anything she excused herself. I can still feel the imprint her warm lips left on mine. After that, Imani became distant. I decided to stop tutoring her; I didn’t know what else to do.20
Whenever we passed each other, she always greeted me. I didn't know how to approach her and confess, until the day she came to me. I had just gotten out of class and was on my way to the dorm, hoping to find my brother - my roommate. I hadn't noticed that she was walking beside me until she tapped me on my elbow. 21
"Oh hi Imani! I didn't know that you were there," I said genuinely surprised and delighted to see her. 22
"Hey,” she smiled.23
“Ho-how’ve you been?” I cursed myself for stuttering.24
“Couldda been better but thanks for askin’. Been away for a few days, miss me?" she asked smiling.25
"Nope," I replied playfully.26
Her mouth fell open upon hearing my response. "You’re supposed to say yes silly!" she tells me, punching my arm lightly.27
"I was only joking! Of course I missed you. Did you miss me?"28
"Nope," she said haughtily.29
"Hey! You're supposed to say yes."30
"Says who?" she asked sticking her tongue out at me.31
"I'm offended!" I said comically. ***32
“You started it mister.”33
“Started what?”34
“Don’t act like an angel. I know you ain’t.”35
“Hey! You know I am…sometimes. Okay fine…what am I then?” She winked in response. “What’s that supposed to mean?”36
“Secret,” she winks again, laughing.37
“Awe, come on.”38
“Maybe later. How’s everything?” she asked, changing the subject39
“Alright I guess, class, work, ya know. How’ve you been?" 40
"Better," she said brightly.41
"That’s good, I heard you were sick." 42
"Yea, I'm better now."43
"I was worried."44
“Really?”45
“Yeah”46
"Thanks. So...how are ya?"47
"I'm good," there was something on her face that prompted me to ask, "What's wrong?"48
"Nothing," she replied, uncertainly. I stop walking, pulling her lightly towards me. I looked deeply into her captivating eyes.49
"Okay, I told you to come to me if you needed anything. So if it's anything that I can help you with, let me know."50
"No really, it's nothing." 51
"Alright." I smiled reassuringly and let her go, resuming our walk. I led her down the little slope towards the dorm.52
"I miss the old days."53
"Me too," I thought reminiscing.54
"You know..." she asked suddenly.55
"Yeah?"56
"Um...nevermind."57
"Na, tell me."58
"Um..."59
"Come on."60
"Fine, I've always felt comfortable around you. You were there for me when I needed someone to lean on," she began. It made me happy to hear she enjoyed my company. "I know how you feel about me. It's pretty obvious. Especially during the all awkward moments when you were tutoring me, I knew."61
"I didn't hide the fact that I liked you. No, it's more than just like. I tried to keep my feelings away," I say admitting my feelings towards her.62
She considered what I said and nodded to herself before replying. "I told you I quit on love. But now...I think I gave up on it too early. What I'm trying to say is that..." she hesitated, "I love you."63
It was something that I hadn't expected to hear. Those words took the breath out of me. They made my heart beat rapidly. It took a few moments to register what she had just said.64
"You love me?" I asked in a shocked voice.65
“I do. At first, I denied it. I thought you were like those other guys who want to get in my pants." She looked deeply into my eyes and continued, "But as I got to know you, I began to like you more and more. I didn't know what to do. When you stopped tutoring me, I became depressed. I thought you didn't like me or something and that was when I figured out how I really felt about you."66
"Actually, I thought you didn't like me."67
"Why?"68
"After the kiss, you became distant. I didn't know what to do."69
"I didn't know how to react. Yeah, I kissed back and I didn't know why until you stopped."70
"Then I'm glad I stopped. But I suddenly feel weird."71
"Why? what's wrong?" she asked uncertainly.72
"Well, it's usually the man that confesses. Not the other way around," I said smiling mischievously.73
"Too bad. I created a wall around myself though. I had to do something about it before I lost something beautiful. A least I hope I haven’t..."74
She seemed to be waiting for something. Imani took a uncertain step towards me. I pulled her to me, my arms wrapped around her as she pulled my head downwards.75
I’ll never forget that moment. Our lips slowly met and I was in heaven. I had dreamed of that moment but never thought it would happen. The kiss grew in intensity, until I pulled away, knowing that we could go much further. Despite realizing we should stop, her lips followed mine for a moment. I grinned down at her and took her hand.76
"You haven’t. I love you Imani. I offered to tutor you because I wanted to get to know you. I was afraid to tell you how I felt about you. But now that I know, would you like to-" she cut me off as if she already knew what I was going to ask.77
"-Yes! finally," she replied happily.78
"Would you have said yes had I asked before?"79
"Haven't I already?" she answered giggling, right before pulling me into another deep kiss. She felt so comfortable in my arms, as if she belonged there all along. 80
After remembering that, I notice that I'm standing, smiling like an idiot. Let me get back to what I am supposed to be doing.81
I return to the living room, kicking my cell phone that was lying on the floor. I pick it up and notice that I missed call from Imani. I press the appropriate buttons to hear the message. I begin to set the cushions of the couch as I listen.82
"Jayden," She says unsteadily. "Oh my Gosh, I’ve got something important to tell you. Um...this is big. We've got to talk, sweetie. I love you..."83
Weird. What does she have to tell me? I hope nothing bad has happened... she’s coming soon so she’ll tell me; if not, I will worry. I take another peek at my watch, it reads: seven forty-nine. I glance out the window noticing that the sun has already set.84
I look at myself to see if I'm presentable. I have a tight, thin sleeved blue turtle-neck and khaki pants. I walk to the bathroom to inspect my short cropped hair. It is combed and my face clean-shaven. I check myself carefully and when I finish, I spray a touch of cologne, one that Imani favors.85
I tap my pockets feeling the little box inside. It's about time I ask her to marry me. We’ve talked about marriage and both agree we should marry but we are hampered because we have no money. Now, I’ve reached a point where I don't care about that. Love has nothing to do with money. I love her and I want to marry her. The money I spent buying this ring was hard earned but worth a lifetime of happiness and companionship.86
I glance at my watch, frowning as the dial hits eight. I make my way to the phone deciding to call her.87
As I pick up the phone, the door bell rings. Great timing. A sigh of relief escapes my lungs as I walk to the door. I unlock the door and open it, peeking out into the corridor.88
Before me stands the most beautiful woman I’ve ever beheld. Her lightly tanned skin displays her Hispanic heritage. She has full lips painted rouge, a well shaped nose and gleaming hazel eyes. Her long black hair flows down to her full bosom. Imani has a slim, well shaped figure; a very desirable woman. She’s wearing a tight sweater with a tight pair of jeans. It's nothing fancy but it looks good on her nonetheless.89
She has a bag slung over her shoulder and another beside her. My heart jumps with joy seeing them. It means that she’ll spend a few days with me. How long has it been since we’ve been together for more than two consecutive days?90
"Hola Mi Amor," I say, which means, 'hello my love.' "You're finally here. Imani, I was so worried," I say with my voice full of relief and joy. 91
I open the door and let her into the apartment helping her with the bags. She smiles, hugging me tightly. Her head rests on my chest - she is about a foot shorter than me. I bend my head pulling her chin up, kissing her passionately. She responds with ardor. I hear a slight moan of pleasure from her. The feeling of her lips on mine is glorious not to mention her tongue.92
"I missed you so much Jayden. You’ve been on my mind all day," she says breaking the kiss and looking up at me, her eyes sparkling. Her voice a musical melody which makes me visibly lose the tension that had been building up. "Sorry I'm late, I got caught up with class. That annoying woman doesn’t know how to teach! How do they expect me to pass this class if I can’t even understand her?” she asks. “I was talking to my adviser to see what she can do about changing me to another class when noticed what time it was. I ran back to the dorm, got ready and came as soon as I could," she says apologetically.93
"It's fine Mi Amor, I was just worried. Call me next time okay?"94
“I promise.”95
"What are these bags for?"96
"Oh, these? Well, I brought them because you said that I could move in some of my stuff. I prefer to spend the night here with you with Steph at the dorms," she says enticingly placing her hand on my chest. 97
"So an extended visit?" I ask grinning.98
We agreed not to live together until marriage.99
"Yea, why not?"100
She embraces me, wrapping her arms wrap around my head, kissing me. This kiss goes much further than the previous one. I break it unwillingly, Imani pouting, wishing to continue. We both know what would happen if we don't stop.101
“I love you Imani,” I whisper into her ear.102
“I love you Jayden,” she replies instantly.103
“I missed this you know.”104
“Missed what?”105
“Kissing you, just being here with you,” I reply raking some hair that had fallen onto her fair face, caressing her cheek. Imani reaches up seeking to find my lips but I pull back.106
“Hey! I thought you missed kissing me. Don’t you want to kiss me?” she asks enticingly, pressing her body against mine.107
“Of course I do. Who in their right mind wouldn't want to kiss you? But we have to exercise a bit of…self control," I say mischievously.108
“That’s cruel,” she says jabbing me in the ribs with her small fist, momentarily winding me. 109
“I hope that hurt.”110
“It did,” I say gasping for air, trying not to laugh.111
She takes advantage of this moment, putting her arms around my neck, pressing her lips against mine.112
"You see, you can't stop me," she says laughing in triumph.113
"Taking advantage of me like that. You should do that more often," I reply winking at her. "Anyway, what do you think of the place? It only took my dad and me a week to repair it."114
"Your apartment looks great! Looks nothing like it did before," she says looking around. "You’ll have to give me a tour but for now can you show me the bathroom?"115
"You see that hallway?" I ask pointing towards it. "The bathroom is the door to the left." 116
Imani puts down her bag on the couch and opens it. She shuffles around a bit until she pulls out a smaller bag.117
"What's that?"118
“Oh this?” she asks pointing at the bag and I nod. “Something I’m going to go change into,” she informs, walking to the bathroom.119
“You look fine the way you are, you don't have to change.”120
“Apparently I do,” she says winking at me, slipping into the bathroom and closing the door behind her.121
I wonder what she’s going to put on this time. I don't ask her to do this but she seems to enjoy seeing my reactions. Her outfits are designed for me to desire her more. It’s going to be even harder for me today. We haven’t seen each other for over a while so I’m not sure I’ll be able to resist - despite my attempt at self control.122
I sit on the couch and take the book I’ve been reading, Frank Herbert's “Dune”. I’ve read a number of times but always find myself rereading it. I become so immersed in the story that I don’t notice that Imani had exited the bathroom until she makes a noise to break my concentration.123
“Close your eyes and stand up,” she orders, taking me by surprise and I comply smiling slyly. A few seconds pass. I feel her hand on my stomach, slowly making its way up my chest. She passes her hand all over my upper body causing me to shiver. Her lips brush against mine but never fully meet.124
“Mmm…You smell good,” she whispers into my ears, nibbling them lightly. “Open your eyes.” 125
I obey, gasping at what I see. Imani has a tight halter top and from the look of it, without a bra, a mini skirt with high-heeled shoes. This is the most seductive outfit she’s worn. My mouth opens slightly and I whisper, "Oh my..." 126
This elicits a giggle from her as she spins around modeling for me. It seems that she gave much thought to what she was going to wear for this special occasion.127
"I'm glad that you like it," she says smiling.128
"Wow," I say. I reach out to her but she evades me laughing malevolently.129
“It looks like you have to exercise self control my love,” she says seductively, succeeding to torture me. “I came to eat dinner you know, I'm kinda hungry," she continues saying almost sarcastically. "The food smells good. You’re a great cook you know."130
“Really?”131
“I wouldn't lie to you would I? Let's eat”132
“Alright,” I say relenting. 133
I lead her to the dining room. She walks very seductively making sure I don't touch her. I seat her and go to the kitchen to bring the dinner. It's a traditional Dominican dinner which consisting of white rice, red beans, chicken along with shrimp and a small salad. I return to the kitchen to get the bottle of wine that my father had given me. Throughout all this, Imani stares at me, saying nothing.134
I sit down and say a short prayer before catering to her and then myself. We begin eating but barely touch our food. We’re more occupied by looking at each other. It feels as if we’ve seen each other for the first time. We are both enraptured with the other. I attempt at starting a conversation by asking Imani how her day was, yet she only answers using one or two words.135
"Aren't you hungry?" she asks, seeing that I’ve barely eaten.136
"I am, but I want something more...filling," I reply, filling our cups with wine.137
"Me too. Don't get me wrong, the food is delicious," she says taking the cup I give her. She takes it, sipping from it.138
“Oh yea, I forgot to tell you, there’s dessert today, Mi Amor.”139
“Oh really? What is it?” she asks, her eyes lighting up in interest.140
“You’ll have to wait and see.”141
“You know, I don't feel like eating anymore. So why don't we just have some dessert? You know how I like desserts.”142
“Alright, help me with the dishes then.”143
“Okay,” she says brightly.144
We take our time. I place the dishes neatly on the kitchen counter. I make no effort to show that there is any dessert and am confronted by Imani. She pushes me against the counter, playfully threatening me with a finger. 145
“Now tell me, where’s that dessert you mentioned?” she demands.146
“You’re looking right at it, Mi Amor,” I tell her smiling mischievously and I see her grin before I pull her to me, kissing her. She breaks the kiss and looks up at me. 147
“Should’ve known. This dessert is even better than I thought,” Imani says smiling.148
“Did I tell you that I loved you today?” I ask.149
“You probably did, but say it again.”150
“I love you Imani, with all my heart and soul.”151
“I know, Jayden.”152
A cell phone rings and we both recognize it to be Imani's. "Great," I say exasperated that a phone might ruin the moment; right when I was about to propose.153
"That's mine," she says walking to the living room looking in her bag until she takes out the phone.154
"Don't take it," I tell her but she doesn't hear me.155
"Hello?" she says and then there’s a pause. "Yes, this is she. How’d you get my cell phone number?" she stops to listen. "Oh my Gosh! That can't be!" I walk up to her and see her face strewn with tears. She reaches to me and I hold her in my arms as she begins to sob with the phone still in her ear. "Ho-how’s my daughter? Is she okay?...Why can't I?...Alright, I will take tomorrow's plane and get there as soon as I can."156
"Daughter?" I ask bewildered. "You have a daughter?"157
She barely responds as she closes the cell phone, "Yes, her name is Tamara."158
I don't know what to do. Imani has a daughter! After two years of being together, she never told me.159
"I'm sorry Jayden, I'm sorry I never told you." she says apologetically. "I just didn't know how."160
"You didn't know? I'm your boyfriend for Goodness's sake! How could you not tell me?" I scream at her.161
"I'm sorry!" 162
I sit down and put my hands on my head. She has a daughter. 163
I feel anger brew within me as well as helplessness. Unwanted tears flow down my face, which I quickly wipe away. Imani sits beside me and puts a hand on my shoulder.164
"Are you okay?" she asks in a sad voice.165
"Do I look like I am okay?"166
"Please tell me what is on your mind. There aren't many times when I see you like this. I'm so sorry Jayden."167
"If you have hidden something of this importance from me for two years, I have to wonder what else you have hidden from me. Don't you love me?" I ask her.168
"Don't say that," she says beginning to cry, "I do love you."169
"You hid this from me for two years! The only way I find out is because something happens to your daughter," my anger and shock take over. How could she do this to me?170
"What have I done?" she asks herself rocking back and forth.171
I don't say anything because if I do, I know that I’ll end up hurting her more than need be.172
Imani stops rocking and looks at me with a strange twinkle in her eye, “Jayden?"173
"What?" I ask angrily.174
"There is something else that I haven't told you,” she says taking hold of my hand.175
"There's more?" I ask, feeling even more helpless.176
"Yes."177
For some reason, I remember the message that Imani left me on the cell phone. "Does it have to do with that surprise you mention in the message?" I ask.178
"Yes."179
"What is it?"180
Taking a deep breath, she says, "Jayden, I'm pregnant."
Author notes
This is the first time that I attempt a love story. Don't ask where I got the idea from because I wont tell you. I hope that you like it.
Grapevine 
PS: I know this story needs to be revised. I'll get around to it some time. 
A contest entry
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Please tell me what you think
Comments
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Really god, makes me wonder who's kid she's pregnant with though. This was a pretty good love story for a first attempt, a little more adult then I'm used to but that okay. Good job!
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Ending of Para. 17: is 'told me happened' it should be 'told me what happened'
Para. 37: You changed from past tense to present tense.
Um, I don't really get how they can be so buddy-buddy after that kiss of theirs? But, I guesss you kind of had to do that or they wouldn't ever get back together againk, huh?
Oh, I almost started crying when she said that they needed to talk. I'm serious, I was on the brink of tears! Still am in fact. I hate to see love viciously ripped apart.
She's pregnant right (No, I haven't finished the story, I'm guessing) I can tell because she had to pee when she got there! (You see, my mom just had my baby bro a month ago, and before that, she had to pee ALL THE TIME! And my aunt is pregnant and she has to pee a lot too, and so does my mom's best friends, she's pregnant too. But my aunt peed alot anyway... Okay I'm sorry, I'm getting off subject.)
OH YEA! I KNEW IT! I ROCK *does stupid little dance* lol
Good story! Great read! I really enjoyed it!
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AHH!!
Amazing! I loved it!
You are a great writer. You had me sitting on the edge of my seat and I loved the entire story.
Rae
beginning: 3, language: 4, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 3, characters: 4.
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This was absolutely....
I don't even know what to call it. Such great description. You described their love in such great depths, I felt like I knew them personally and their love was so apparent. Ever detail was written beautifully. will you continue it? What a great love story it would make. The many trials and challenges they would face together. The unexpected news about Imani's daughter was a great twist. I would love to see more of this. The way the story was left makes me wonder how the rest of the conversation went.
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" A Range Of Options "
Ermm... the story was really interesting, I have to admit, and I do say that I loved it because of all the emotion you used well.
However, your entry is almost a 1000 over the word limit. So I'm so sorry, I'll have to DQ you.
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Very interesting. Really good write. Thanks for entering and best of luck to you in the contest.
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I absolutely loved this short story or maybe even a chapter in a longer story. The details of the courtship, the revelation of all the conflicts, the characterization all coming together to create a story that moves both in terms of pace and in terms of emotional response in the reader.
Would definitely like to read more from you if this is an indication. -
Hmm. This was interesting, but not all together enrapturing to me. I don't know why, but it was. No SPaG errors that I could see, and everything fit together and flowed nicely 'till the end. Thanks for entering my contest!
~sberendt
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para 2: "Why do I have to do all the work while everyone else slack off?" ...slacks**
para 122: "It's a books I've read a number of times but never tire of reading,"...book**
Other than those mistakes i found your story is perfect! I love the whole thing and I would like to know what happened to Imani's daughter. You should definitely continue this story
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This was an interesting and easily read story. Took me awhile to read it due to the length, but that's okay
There were some places that had missing commas but that is pretty much all I caught at the moment. I don't feel it extremely necessary to point them out as I'm sure you've either already had them pointed out in previous comments or you could just simply read out loud to yourself and catch those places that need the commas.
The romance was sweet and the ending stopped with a bit of a cliffhanger. I'm sure readers are wanting to know now what happens once her announcement is made and want to see Jayden's reaction. I'm also curious to know why she hid the fact that she had a daughter for two years? In most cases, a serious relationship wouldn't have such a big secret like that.
Overall, it was a good read
~Pixie
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Wonderfully written.
Emotional and magnificent piece.
Well done and thanks for entering!
Good luck
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Beautiful story Josh, i feel as if i m reading real life stuff. very intresting and yeh having very nice twist at the end,just my kind of stuff.Discription was nice and dialouges were quite real. well done
Keep writing such stories ,Josh ...
good luck.
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Awww!!! thats such a sweet tale but poor Jayden...just when you think you know someone they say something like that!! lol
well if this was your First Love story...i have to read your outher storys!! and How....how can you just leave it like that!! what away to end!! lol
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wow that was great! you should keep writing! lol nice title!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i thoroughly enjoyed reading that and really want to read more! Thanks for entering and good luck in my contest!
Kudos,
CreaterSk8er
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pow
are you going to continue? you got me hooked
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I like it... Unexpected ending though....
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Sigh..... Usually it bothers me when someone does somthing better then mem but I'm not surprised that you're a good writer, and rather then annoyed at you, I have fun reading your stories. The reason I'm not surprised is because obviously you're odler then me and know much more, and it's good you are more forced then willing to use that advantage. MY stories compared to yours... tsk, ysk, tsk. You win Sith. lolz
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Okay wow! The twists you put in there at the end kept me reading. Then you cut it off and made me mad. Haha.
Just one tiny thing - detail. There's so much detail that you can add to this and make it that much better.
Gret write!
~Always Dancing.
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really cute but long but you had me hooked so i read it
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awwwwww this was soooooo cute
the humor was good too
very long though !!!! -
Long, but you kept me entertained all the way through. Well done =D
loisx -
This is a very well told story
#2 Slacks off?
#6 I look out [over
I didn't see much wrong with it. I hope that was a happy ending. I'm not real sure.
Don't let this be your only love story. I thought it was very good.
beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 3, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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This reminds me of 4 Christmases
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Very Well written, I must say. Brilliant and practical.
Thanks for entering!
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This was very good. You're a good writer.
There were a few typos here and there, but I'm not going to focus or worry about that right now.
The only suggestion I could make....and it's only a suggestion...is to maybe add a little conflict, or hint of a conflict sooner in the story.
The two of them were getting along so well, and were so lovey dovey, I was starting to wonder if that's all there was to the story. Don't get me wrong, love is great...but people prefer to read about conflict.
Imani leaves him a message saying she has 'great news!'. That did nothing for me. Everything was great, happy, happy. Too happy. No conflict. Until the very end....a little too late. Maybe you could 'hint' that there was conflict coming.
At the end, we find out she is pregnant. Well, most girls who find out they are pregnant, and are young and unmarried....generally don't tell their boyfriends they have great news. Mainly because they don't know how the guy will react. Perhaps she could leave a message saying, "Uh....hi Jayden, I wanted to let you know that I'm coming over tonight. I have something I need to tell you...."
Or something. You get the picture. While the expression "great news" is ambiguous, and you would think that would be intriguing...I didn't find it that way. In fact, I'd almost forgotten she had left that message, because it made no impact on me.
Whereas, saying "I have something to tell you..." or "we need to talk..." sounds not only intriguing, but potentially troubling. Thus the hint of 'conflict' to come.
The other thing I found odd was that she left Jayden a message about her great news, but when she showed up, he didn't bug her tell him. I know if someone told me they had news, especially if it was bad news, I wouldn't let them rest until they told me. ha ha.
So, perhaps, during their loving conversation where she's teasing him with her outfit, he could be begging her to tell him the news. Or something. I hope this makes sense, because I am rambling a bit, due to shortage of time.
Other than that, this was very well written...I think you have a good story, here....I'd just like to see a little more conflict-action-resolution.
Good job!
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nice job
this is so sweet keep going please!!!!!! -
nice job
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i love the name Imani. i think it is really pretty. the increasing love story flash back is so sweet and it makes you think about how some loves start out. please tell me you are going to continue this......... i want to know what happen
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This is amazing! It flowed very nicely, and it had a lot of detail. It had a good foundation for a story.
Good Luck in my Contest!
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This is so beautiful and well written.
You say in your proflie that you don't know how to write, but really, you managed to take me into a beautiful world of this amazing love story.
You did an amazing job with your description, and though my eyes hurt, I managed to read the whole thing.
And takes some skill to keep me in.
Great job with this!
Oli
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it is very emotional but I love it anyways...
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some of my favorite lines:
"All seems to be falling on my shoulders." oh wow who doesn't feel like tha sometimes? (:
"We don't want to go out because we want to enjoy the comfort of each other without prying eyes; too many of those, these days." love it!"All is ready, even the surprise dessert,' I think mischievously." air of suspense XD
"No, not really," she replied, uncertainly." again with the suspense..."After remembering that, I notice that I'm standing still, smiling like an idiot. " aww thats cute (: P58 is also cute XD "I put on the cologne that I know turns Imani on." ahh.."Love has nothing to do with money." A contradiction to most modern and old belives yet I agree XD "Here voice is a musical melody to my ears which made me visibly lose the tension that I had been holding up" oh wow thats amazingly amazing (: P 112s awsome. ohh yet again unexpected ending great job (: -
some of my favorite lines:
"All seems to be falling on my shoulders." oh wow who doesn't feel like tha sometimes? (:
"We don't want to go out because we want to enjoy the comfort of each other without prying eyes; too many of those, these days." love it!"All is ready, even the surprise dessert,' I think mischievously." air of suspense XD
"No, not really," she replied, uncertainly." again with the suspense..."After remembering that, I notice that I'm standing still, smiling like an idiot. " aww thats cute (: P58 is also cute XD "I put on the cologne that I know turns Imani on." ahh.."Love has nothing to do with money." A contradiction to most modern and old belives yet I agree XD "Here voice is a musical melody to my ears which made me visibly lose the tension that I had been holding up" oh wow thats amazingly amazing (: P 112s awsome. ohh yet again unexpected ending great job (:
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This was really nice, you really deserved those trophies. . Well written with a nice, unexpected twist, fantastic!
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"You love me?" I asked in a shocked voice. 'She loves me!' I thought in my mind happily
That was halarious ha
he got all excited lol.
This was really good. Ha then she is pregnat thats great.
I have a cousin named Jayden.
Oh and there was a bad word in it shame shame -
Omg, I looooooove it! It was very interesting And I loved the detail in it too. Seems like you put a lot of effort into this. It was a nice twist at the end. UUuuuuugh, It bothers me that that they were interupted by the phone call. Lol xD amazing write!!! Awesome story. :]
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"Dessert"
Wow, that was great! It is not what I would usually be interested in but I totally loved it! I loved the surprises and how you made it seem like there was an actual "dessert" but it was actually him. Haha. One thing, though. You should probably go through and make sure the sentences make sense. Some of them are missing words here and there. I don't know where, I did not kep track but yeah. Great job!
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WOW it really amazing
its really good and it is a attention grabber and i wish i could be as creative as u. lol im gonna read more of ur awsome stories u make feel like an idiot lol jk but u r better than me
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...
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I loved the humor in it!!! Can't believe it ended with her being pregnant XD . Wow this story got a lot of awards XD niiice job grandpa (im getting addicted to calling you that) i still cant belive this is your attempt at a love story. its really good, and knowing me... I HATE LOVE STORIES!! but this was good and i actually laughed in the middle nice job
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Nice twist. Hahah, a baby!?!?!
I loved it.
<3
Great job, hun.
beginning: 5, language: 4, plot: 3, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 3.
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one word: awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
I thought it was really good! quite adorable! Very good job! -
It's really interesting.The story line is great. Very descriptive,the dialogue sounds natural and real.In other words i liked it.Keep it up !
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After I got used to the fact that it was in present tense - something I am always leery of - I got pulled into the story and stopped noticing all those style details. I think this is very very good for a first attempt, and not even for a first one. The emotions feel real, the dialogue flows smoothly, the characters convincing and the ending just ends on such a great note - a sort of startled "on my".
Good read. I'm glad I had a chance to see this.
Nocturne -
Good story
Nice details. I could easily see the story unfolding. Have you completed the rest of it? I was wondering how it might end. That was a lot to drop on poor Jayden all at one time. I thought his emotional state might have him react in a way that might not be expected.
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This is an amazing write! Its emotional and its felt as a reader...it has a strong sense of beauty and the characters and details are well written. Great write
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Omg!!!! This has such emotion and is a beautiful piece. You did a great job on the ending and an amazing job on the whole thing. I'm looking forward to reading more of ur work. I'm a sucker for romance lol.
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WoW
this was awesome! I was so addicted to this ^.^ nice job ^.^ I really like this sooo much. The characters were awesome and so were thier personalities ^.^ Great job!
~Blackwings
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Okay this is very well written. You are a good writer. I only noticed a few errors at the beginning, but then I got to wrapped up in the story line to notice if there were more. Keep penning!
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I’ve got a few things to say about this one.
Firstly, this isn’t my usual reading material, so I’m out of my usual genre comfort-zone here.
Secondly, most of the first two-thirds or so feels like a male love-fantasy. I don’t know how many women would find Imani a credible character. Please correct me if I’m wrong though, but I never met any women like this.
Thirdly, the story mechanic of receiving a message about “great news” which doesn’t even get remembered until the end, strikes me as unlikely.
Fourthly, the final third regains credibility with me. It was all going too well until she takes the phone call. This is easily the strongest part of the story for me. Great story telling.
The language is good, clear and crisply descriptive. I can visualise it all and there were none of the jarring moments where the description appears at odds with my prior envisioning. Well done in achieving this. There are a few minor errors which you should be able to find for yourself in re-proof-reading the whole piece.
beginning: 3, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 5, dialog: 3, characters: 3.
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It's Real
Very Good..!!! I really enjoyed reading it..and I'm looking forward to Part Two..because I know it's got to be another part...you definitely can't stop here.. I have to know why Imani waited for two years to mention her daughter, if Jayden's love for her going to be forgiving based on her reasons and how are things going to workout between them with Imani being pregnant...Gotta have more..!!! Really Enjoyed..!!! Keep up the good work..Very Interesting!!!
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thnx for the comment.
actually, I started the second part. Yet, i didnt have and still dont have the inspiration to write it down and i dont want to just write it because i put a lot to writing Dessert (despite all the mistake that remain
) so maybe in the not so distant future, i can write subsequent parts.
josh
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This is now the third time I have read this story. My previous statements concerning its make-up still stand. It doesn't quite embody two ends of ny given spectrum buth rather focuses mainly on the normal interactions between two people. Thus, for this contest, it doesn't fit. Thank you, though, for entering
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OH MY GOSH!!!
I commented on this a while ago, I'm sure, but I just had to remind you that I loooooe this!!! Is there more to it yet!?!?!
It's amazing. I'm so glad you entered it!!!
xoxo
taylor -
hmmm
Good start! There were a handful of spelling/slight grammar mistakes in there, along the lines of, "i've told to come" which leaves out the "you."
You wrote the relationship very convincingly, very good characterization for both Narrator and Imani. I liked the detail you put into Narrator's preprations for I's return.
The description of I. when she came to the door threw me off majorly. Out of nowhere, you described this smoking hot latin american woman and I was like, "Wait, is this I. or is this some hootchie mamma who's gonna mess up their relationship?" So maybe you wanna look at that paragraph and see if it could be cleared up, unless, of course, that was the effect you were going for, in which case, rock on.
Good job. -
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this comment makes no sence.
ok I may have to work on the grammer part, no problem.
but when you mention the description of Imani i think u confused urself. in the previous paragraph i state that im about to call her. who have i been talking about THE ENTIRE story? IMANI. not some weird woman. to top that off, i mention IMANI's name in the middle of that description paragraph...
hence i say u confused yourself
...im not mad...
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oh... this was nice. This was well described and contained loads of cliffhangers. In general, you fared well with this love story although at first, I thought it would be a common one, but you proved me wrong later on.
Thanks for entering and good luck! Keep up the good job! -
Great work
Well written and very good.
Thanks for entering my contest.
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Thanks for entering my contest
Good Luck
Frm MDH -
Thanks for entering
good work -
oooooooooh this is really good..... I really like this lots! very good! there were a few grammatical errors, but otherwise that's it. VERY good, I like it! keep it up!
~*~goth&sweet - Bo~*~
beginning: 5, language: 4, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 4, characters: 5.
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I know I've read this before. This time there was much more details. Bravo. Thanks for entering and good luck.
~*Brooke*~ -
I've read this before, and I now that it's your's Josh. Lol. You must've forgotten that I read this months ago. But, it's good, I like it. It's has a certian allure to it that just keeps me wanting more. Thanks for entering it into the contest.
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AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
OH MY GAH OH MY GAH OH MY GAH!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! WHY DID YOU HAVE TO END IT IN A CLIFFHANGER??? WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY??? Still, I'm kinda glad it's a cliffhanger...weird?
Anyways...despite the long length of your story (trust me, anything over 2,000 words on the internet is long to me...my bad eyes) I found that I couldn't allow myself to simply skim over some parts like I usually do in long stories...I WAS ENTHRALLED! I envied them and their love. I felt Jayden's dismay and having found out that his girlfriend already has a daughter (I kinda hope it's Jayden's, but I get the feeling it's not) just as he was about to propose to her! And that nice little surprise at the end...SHE'S PREGNANT!!! OMIGOD! You've done a spectacular job with this and I bid you good GOOD luck in my contest, though you won't need much. You're up high on my list of favorites. -
Well written.
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this is a very good bit of writing that i enjoyed reading greatly. the characters were very believable and the story line is enchanting. makes me want to know what's going to happen with this couple. they are obviously in love though, which is, of course the purpose of my contest. thanks for entering and good luck!
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interesting
i really don't do romance... not my thing ya know? but i was surprised that i enjoyed reading this one and will most definatly read any more you write. -
Its a very romantic story very fast moving and attention keeping. I loved it. Keep writing or else
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My Gods....I love this story...It's very good...I figured in the beginning when he listened to her message that she was pregnant, but I didn't expect her to have a daughter! Wow! Nice story! It would have upset me as well if she hadn't told me after 2 years. He was going to ask her to marry him..and suddenly...she has a kid. That's a big secret to keep from him. Nice Job ^.^
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Very good
Very good use of dialogue to draw the reader into the story. I like your short paragraphs as they make the story easy to read. The ending was a surprise. He finds that suddenly there may be two children, neither he had known about, or was apparently expecting. Thanks for entering.
Andy
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aw this story is very cute.
it's sad how she didn't tell him about the daughter.. but i guess it's hard to talk about.
good job =)
i love your writing -
2 surprises x.x I did sort of guess that she had a daughter (or that her first boyfriend got her pregnant or something)... so, haha, you really shocked me with the revelations at the near end of your chapter. I just.. wished the guy could understand a bit more x.x I mean, her daughter had an accident of sorts x.x then again, I can't blame him for being angry, after all, it IS a pretty big secret
(men here call single women with a child "plus one"s.. or 2s.. depends how many children she has ^_^.. just sharing)
I did like his little trip to memory that happens to me! I just stare off and remember some stuff...
Your author notes.. I already know where you got the inspiration from The daybreak woot!!! Thank you for sharing this with us!
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thank you for entering! i commented on this b4, i beleive. nice to talk wit ya again. great job and good luck
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I should rephrase my comment. Most spots do have a good amount of detail. there was one or two short paragraphs that i found a little plain. Those paragraphs werent't long enough for detail. There isn't much you can do to improve the story just maybe make a few of the short paragraphs a little longer. I will quote my history teacher. He always says I want the meatloaf and not the gravy... In this case I think the meatloaf could use a little more gravy... I don't know if it was a good comparison but I tried to explain myself lol.
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This was really interesting. It lacked details in some areas and it could be a little better. I loved the ending. I like the style of writing used here and the sentence lengths are good. It did keep me entertained and i did enjoy it. It held my attention and it was a good read! Good job
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Hmmm I've never read a love story. This is still really good and your detail is excellent. Good job now on to ur next story!
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I ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT!!! really, great writing!!! it flows perfectly, and I CANT BELIEVE SHES PREGNANT!!!!! i cant wait to read more!!!!!!
Taylor
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This is really similar to the relationship you have with Dawn. Very nice plot and you have a smooth flow to it. I didn't really see any choppy lines. Loved the Spanish cliches. But you didn't need to translate them in that way..Maybe something more creative. Overall, this does show passion and is very touching. Good job!
beginning: 3, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 4, dialog: 4, characters: 4.
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"She felt so comfortable in my arms, as if she belonged there."
i like this because--although it was cliche--it fit well with what you were portraying.
""Hola Mi Amor," I start to say, which means, 'hello my love' in Spanish."
i don't think you need to say what it means in spanish. maybe if you said "hola mi amor" i started to say " hello my love" or something like that that said what it meant and wasn't so incredibly blunt
otherwise a great write with plenty of twists. i have to go, but this write was incredibly lovely. i will be sure to follow up on the rest of the parts of this story. i'm really excited. -
Great!
From the comments below, I can tell you have put a lot of work into this story. I love the new paragraphs you added. This story is comming together very nicely
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Wow, what a story. I feel like I really know the characters. I love the ending!! Such a nice twist.
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You havent changed it since I last read it josh, I stick by what I said before, fix it up and It will be a great story.
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first off thnx for entering the contest.
okay wow this is very good. i love it.
but i think u should add more details, take time to slow done and discribe stuff, like the facial expressions, the charhacters' peronality, ect. i think u could make this chapter a lot better than it is to go back and add more details.
but theres no denying that u have a great storyline here. the first chapter is excellent. it deffinanlty had me hooked and i cant wait to read more
but think about going and adding more details, but of course this is just a suggestion, the story would still be great if you didnt add more.
anyways great job on this and good luck. keep up the great work.
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excellent
wow... a very romantic story full of emotions.I enjoyed reading it a lot.
I also like very much that the end is "open" - we don´t know what Jayden thinks about the pregnancy - so the reader has to think about it.
Your story made me smile and giggle, the end made me a little sad -just a short time - because I imagine that Jayden will be a good dad
WELL DONE!
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wow
this was awesome.this is the 2nd story i have read that has been more then 2000 words. gj here and very good story.
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At your request, I shall be specific in my comments about grammar:
"All seems to be falling on my shoulders in a rapid pace." All of what?
"Time seems to be moving slowly as I wait. The anticipation to seeing Imani just grows as I sit on my couch. My restlessness leads me to recheck all the preparations.5" Short, discriptive sentences. Leads to choppy flow. Not fun to read. Is kind of tiring. But, it is easily fixed. Just combine a few sentances, and see what happens!
"I open my eyes and see the outfit that she put on. Imani is wearing a tight halter top and from the look of it, without a bra. She has a mini skirt on. This has been her most revealing and seductive outfit that she has worn. My mouth slightly opens and I whisper a barely inaudible, "Oh my..." 92"
The sexyness of the outfit is overshadowed by how many times you say it. I would re-write it as:
I open my eyes and see tonight's sexy outfit, put on just for me. The skin-tight halter top and mini skirt are reveling, but not nearly enough for me. etc...
(I'm not good at the present tence, but you get the idea.)
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This is good, but could definitly use some work. I do think the plot, especially the twist at the end, was very good, although you need to touch up on your grammar. I wish you luck in my contest!
language: 3, plot: 4, characters: 4.
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truly breathtaking...
An absolutely amazing write, kept me on the edge of my seat with every word. The Love and emotion you managed to portray through the imagery and detail were breathtaking. Short yet captivating, and the ending truly marvellous! it tends to leave the reader with a chance to let their imagination run wild as to what happens next, and at the same time waiting in anticipation for the next chapter. Well done, once again a wonderous write!
Applauds.
Yrs.
Azaradelle.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Very good. It's descriptive and I could feel the love, the passion. You maintained a good flow throughout the story. You tend to repeat some phrashes like "lover", but it's still good. By adding alot of detail, you made the story come to life. Good job.
The story over all was excellent. It was one the best stories I've read. I was fond of it. Good luck in the contest!
~~Jigsaw Killer~~
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After repeated pestering, I've re-read and considered this re-write.
Please bear in mind that it is bad form to solicit reads without the simple courtesy of offering to read something in return. From what I observe, you might owe quite a few people a few reads and comments. Each.
My comments are a matter of taste and I expect them to be ignored. The story is what it is. As it is, it functions as it seems to be intended.
1. Present tense doesn't do anything for me but distracts my attention of the flow and dream-state.
2. I don't care about your characters. I am not lulled from the beginning, I am not curious about how they deal with anything. It isn't until the end that a particle of vague interest develops, and only because a situation develops.
3. Overused. I'm not a romance aficionado, but I have studied the genre and read a number of books of this type. Perhaps fans of romance expect this as is, want it and will read it and love it. To my eye, it is as done and done again as a cynical detective, a scarred hero, a plucky heroine or the mad scientist.
This may not be what you were hoping for, but it's what I have to offer.
Good luck with this.
-Kevin -
Good
Lots of typos would love to read more. I do tink if you try you will make it somewhere with your writing. you have to take your time, do spelling checks and use correct grammar. Your story is easy to relate to and I love that. Try and try again Josh!
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okay. this is a nice story. but you use those old words... i mean... those words that kids these days dont use much anymore... which this awkward to read.[for me]. but it was nicely written great job
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its real good
oh my gosh. i never expected that to happen. i wanna read a lot more!
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Aww...How Romantic...
You have revised well, my dear brother. (o^_^o)
This story is simular to the relationship within you and Dawn. I know that because for the fact I was in the Chatterbox, reading the passion of love. =)
Okie dokie...Positive comment done...now for a little typo corrections, well I think it needs to be corrected...Sowwy...I'm hard to please, when it comes to reading stories.....Lol. I can't even write one decent story yet....(Still having troubles editting, lmao..)
Well, let me get straight to the point...
1) "Okay. You can tell me if something is wrong. I would try to help you if I can," I say, walking with her down the little slope towards the dorm rooms.29
-----> Using I “say” doesn’t make any sense into me lol…
2) I look at my watch and it's a few minutes to eight, so I go and pick up my phone deciding to call her.58
-----> I thought it’s “I went” not "I go"...I dunno...lol.
3) I don’t know why but when I read the word “fine” the actual tone of the choice changes, as though it’s kinda rude…..would be good if you change it…
-----> How about "okay"?
4) “Fine, Lets go eat,” I say relenting. I lead her to the dining room. She walks very seductively yet warily making sure that I don’t touch her. I seat her and go to the kitchen to bring the dinner. It's a traditional Dominican dinner which consisting of white rice, red beans, chicken along with shrimp and a small salad. I return to the kitchen to get the bottle of wine that my father had given me. Throughout all this, Imani is staring at me keeping quite.98
-----> Same again for I say… lol
5) “As do I, Jayden.”116
---- > Doesn’t make sense…unless you wanted to say “As I do too”
6) I don't say anything because I'm fuming inside. 131
---- > Hmm….should be… “I didn’t say anything because I was fuming inside”
Well, that’s all I have discovered, the rest is up to you, lol. A little more revision and you’ll be alright and complete. ^_^ You don't have to change it...it's just a suggestion, and I tried to avoid the confusion, lol.....Sowwy big bro.
beginning: 4, language: 3, plot: 3, ending: 3, dialog: 3, characters: 3.
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Wonderful!
Sweet! This was a very good romantic story... I love the way you use the present tense in your story - adds a special flavour.
You made me laugh in some occations. I loved the way you discribed the passion between them.
The ending was so confusing... She has a daughter yet she never told him... Why? I hope there is a second chapter.
Well done! Keep writing.
xoxoxox
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ok - i am going to revise the ending because i want it to flow well into the second chapter - the very end is the same but leading to it, i will tweek a little bit
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I love the way you put in lots of little details that made the story come alive. For the most part, this story was very sweet and romantic and the kind where you can't help smiling. ;-) Excellent job describing the characters and the setting and excellent job doing the flashback of how they met. I was really drawn into the story. You included just enough details to give the reader background w/o overdoing it.
My suggestions are as follows:
1) Are you sure you want to narrate it in present tense? A lot of writers do, but it's less common so it gave it less of a smooth feel as it would if you had done the whole thing in past.
2) Two huge suprises at the end may have been a bit too much too suddenly (btw, I guessed instantly that her surprise was that she was pregnant). You present their having a child together as a positive surprise for them, which I believe since Jayden said he wanted to marry her, money not withstanding. The reader might interrpret it more positively if the couple is actually engaged -- just so that the reader knows that they really love each other and want to spend their lives together and raise the kid. But what about Imani's other child? I was left feeling happy for them and their new family, but a little sad for the other kid who is about to be replaced. I don't doubt that Imani and Jayden love each other -- but I couldn't help but be a bit disturbed by the fact that she never told him about her kid. That makes their relationship seem a little less credible -- as though it's not based on the truth : good or bad.
Anyways, keep up the good work. :-) -
Wow.....im speechless....WOW. this is amazing. so amazing....WHY CANT I APPLUADE MORE THAN 3 TIMES??
Ok now to try and find stuff wrong with it. jk, awesome story
I didn't notice anything wrong with it, the beginning kind of lags, but otherwise, i repeat, AMAZING. Maybe shorten the flashback, thats the only thing i can think of. you forgot the quote marks a few times but thats it.
I like how you wait til the middle of the story to descrbe her, but give her name at the beginning. this was really well written
I absolutly love how theres such a huge crash in the end...couldnt find better wording. this definatly has me hooked ^^
~Aurora~
beginning: 3, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 4.
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